How do you get over someone you've been loving for so long?

[angeleyes]

In my previous post I told you all about my love for my ex-boyfriend and how I wanted God to save him and reunite us. Now I want to get completely over him, but it is very difficult because I've been in love with him for about 10 years.

I've come to the realization that he was very unappreciative and didn't really show me the love and appreciation that I deserved. No matter what I did; he just didn't appreciate it. He would play mind games with me and say some very mean and harsh things to me.

I guess I was a little slow at coming to this conclusion, but now that I know what I know; I don't want him anymore, but in the back of my mind I still love and miss him very much.

What steps should I take in getting over him?

[janine]

Fill your mind and heart and spare time with the Lord and His business.  That might help, and it cannot hurt.

[angeleyes]

I have een trying to do just what you have said Janine, but even if I'm not thinking about my ex, he pops up in my dreams and then I feel as though I am back at the drawing board. I have also prayed about this many years prior to this point and time and I have still not been completely delivered from this. I don't know what else to do except wait on the Lord.

[janine]

Well... it might also be that constantly trying to fight against his memory and the cycle of love and desire and so on, constantly revisiting it, revising it, revelling in it, reviling it,  has made it all a bigger more permanent deal than it needs to be.  Like wearing a mental rut.  Studies have proven we do just that to our poor brain neurons.  We do wear out some mental/emotional ruts.

I mean, if I look back over people or happenings or whatever -- any thing that made a BIG impression on me but that I need to forget about, or cope with it, or let it heal, and move on in my life -- that includes loved ones dying on you, sugar --

You don't bother to try to forget it.  You likely never will.  Nor should you. it's part of what made you who you are today.

You let it come up.  You acknowledge it.  You honor it, if it's a thing worthy of honor, or you sorrow over it a little bit if it's a thing you wish you'd never known.

Then you go about your business.

It's almost like you are watching yourself from inside your own head.  And when this longing for the old love, or the shame over a past sin, or the sorrow over losing your loved one -- when any of those heavy things comes up -- you acknowledge it -- but you break the cycle of circular thinking about it.

It's almost like you are standing on the sidewalk and a parade passes by on the small-town street.  You see the parade -- you might nod at the driver of the first flashy convertible or the Grand Marshall on the first horse -- and you say to yourself, "Here I am again, there goes that feeling again.  That's what I think about sometimes.  It comes and it goes.  It is what it is."

Then you go on down the street about your business and let the parade play itself out without you standing there feeling compelled to watch every single last car float horse marching band clown unicycle elephant pretty baton twirler.

You do not have to be held a prisoner there by your own memories.  You are not compelled to stand there rooted to that sidewalk all the way through the whole blasted torturous process until the very last little guy at the end passes by to sweep up the elephant poop.

Nope.  It's more an admission or a realization about yourself that yes, you are a person who has loved and lost, or yes, you are a person who committed that embarrassing sin... But that was then and this is now and the parade can just whirl and blare and annoy its way down Main Street without you in attendance any more, thank you very much.

You are no longer bound to make your decisions by whether or not the parade is likely to pass.  You are no longer bound to avoid living -- to avoid going into town -- for fear that the parade might take over the streets.

No, you walk right down any street you need to walk down to live a triumphant life for the Lord -- and let that blasted parade take a side street, doggone it!

[Mr.McCheese]

It come when time goes by. Pick up a hobby that is new to you. such as golf, cards, stamps.

[psychomikey]

I have found it helpful to spend my spare time trying to convert non-believers.

[janine]

I prefer to get the unbelievers to sweep up elephant poop for fun and profit.

[angeleyes]

I just want to say thank you for all of your replies and advice and even the joke Janine.





God Bless You All!

[zoonance]

I prefer to get the unbelievers to sweep up elephant poop for fun and profit.

Are you suggesting we zoo folks are heathens?  :)

[janine]

No... that you maybe don't maximise your profit potential, that's all.

Maybe visualizing your old crush with poop smeared all over him would be a good way to "fix" that old longing for him...

[Petals]

Is there anything you people won't talk about?   You know, God reads these boards, too. In fact, I think we both are  at some of the things that have been written not only here, but in other topics. 

[janine]

Have you read your Bible?!?!?

It's a tale of sex and violence and murder and cooking with excrement and more sex and more violence and theft and murder and lies and pridefulness and prostitution and adultery and torture and selfishness and corruption and more illicit sex and even a good discussion or two of "licit" sex...

I'm not sure where you think you can go that God only sees a cleaned-up version of our lives and thoughts.  He does see us through a Jesus-filter, that's true, but I doubt He is unaware of things because of it.

[Petals]

I see the post that was before mine was removed.  Thank you!

Yes, Janine, I have read my Bible, even the verse that says "Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.  For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret." (Ephesians 5:11,12)   

[shoshanarose]

Angeleyes:  
Praying for the strength, wisdom and courage to "go on"...I understand what you are feeling and what you are wanting to do...I think as women we have additional input to deal with (emotions) that affect every area of our life. All I can add is: You have to want to let go...and then just DO IT!

I had to "work through" my "letting go" by writing a song; I literally (in a figuraive sense) wrestled myself through this song...it was first titled:I've just GOT to let you go...and then I renamed it...To see you once again. A song of hope of his salvation. I was a new Christian in the last months of our relationship; I only hope, to this day, that my witness and love for the Lord made a difference in his life. Only God knows for sure. Now, I don't hope to see him again, I don't "fear" to see him here on earth, but in do hope to "see him" in  Heaven, that is where and when I certainly hope to see him again.

Take gentle care of yourself; you can do it...

[janine]

I see the post that was before mine was removed.  Thank you!

Yes, Janine, I have read my Bible, even the verse that says "Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.  For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret." (Ephesians 5:11,12)   

Oh, I get it.  Someone must have stated some awful thing, then someone deleted it, before I got here that day.  I couldn't understand how the stuff I can see up there right now had struck such a sensitive nerve for you.

Thinking back on the OP --

A loss of love, a loss of relationship -- the mourning in your own heart and mind over the "death" of something you had hoped to build -- It's very like dealing with a death, in some ways.

I'm not sure we want to get over the person who has died, or moved away, or married another, or whatever other thing that happened that resulted in us "losing" this person.  I'm not sure at all we want to, ought to, get over them.

It's the unmanageable feelings and obsessive patterns of thought about them that we want to extinguish.

And we can work on that the same way we work on extinguishing any bad habit.

[DCR]

Someone must have stated some awful thing, then someone deleted it,

Yep. 

[Truefreedom]

Love operates on principles, not feelings or moods. Whether a relationship was good or bad, there is always a tearing away which takes place when a relationship ends, bringing a degree of pain, discomfort or second thoughts. This tearing away process is normal whenever bonding has taken place, no matter what caliper of relationship it was. Knowing we did the right thing to remove ourselves from relationships that aren't good helps us to stay focused on moving forward. Dwelling on the things we miss in the relationship is counterproductive & can lead to returning to a relationship that won't work.

[Kiara]

I got my heart broken 2 times for me to learn that there will be peace if we seek for it even on the darkest area of our emotions.


I'm not really sure how to type the words right but... We can really do it.

The prince of peace is the master when it comes to this...