reconciliation/advice please!

[lizer]

This is my first post.
I understand this is a place for marriages, but I hoped it could be a place for
my issue as well. Which involves a broken relationship INTENDED for marriage from the very start. & I am looking for godly wisdom.

Background: At the age of 20, started being pursued by a gentleman. Loved the lord. I finally agreed to "court" him 1.5 years later, as he had never wavered and after many prayers it appeared as though God had brought him to me. This would have been both of our FIRST relationships.  The intent was for marriage, obviously.

Fast forward to now. I am 24. He is 25. We "courted" for 3 years. He was my dearest closest best friend. 3 months ago he left me. We had been dealing with arguments that just became overwhelming. The focus at this point was not on the Lord, but on ourselves. Thus the downfall. He left and moved 3 hours away.

My heart never knew despair and pain like how I felt immediately afterward. I never understood that whole "broken heart" stuff, but I sure do now. 
The problem is that despite my daily handing over this burden to Jesus...(and believe me, it is a daily thing)...
I still desire reconciliation with this man.....  who I have not spoken to in 2.5 weeks.
When I pray to god I get the sense that hes saying "trust in me... wait... he will return"..
but half the time I wonder if its god? or just me? how do you know?

I dont even know how to handle this situation.
I pursued reconciliation with him. He knows how I feel, but yet..
has made no efforts to return.
Thus I just "let it go"..and I guess will not bother him any longer?

I'm really looking for some advice on how to handle this from those
of you who have gone through it.
I want to marry this man. Despite his flaws, despite his abandonment....
The lord can repair ANY relationship...  he says to pursue peace and love and reconciliation..
but why isnt my guy responding? Is he not being open to the lord?
I am just....

clueless...

[janine]

First thing -- you two are the both of you still very very young.  To you, 2.5 weeks without him might seem like an eternity... but what are you going to say if God leads you to wait for your young man, or for whatever suitable young man God will find, for 2.5 years?   2.5 decades?!?

I'd say make yourself clear in what you'd like to see happen... and communicate that to the young man... and keep praying but do not chase after the guy.

If you guys have been courting and close for these three years, then I would hope you had enough communication skills between you that you can let him know graciously and clearly and decisively how you feel... then let it go.

No whining, no nagging, no delivering to him what your latest word from God said or your latest dream was like, no justifications about how God wants you together, nothing.

After you have had one good chance to explain your position, then no more contact of that type.  None.

Send him a birthday card, a Christmas card, a nice chatty note maybe once a month or every six weeks, all about what's going on in your life --- if you guys have been friends all this time that's not inappropriate.

But no poking at him about coming back to you.

And if he takes up with another woman, and if it still seems right to you to maintain that rare card or letter, fine, but address it to the both of them and be willing to drop even that if it causes them strife.

[Sherman Nobles]

Good post Janine.

Lizer, from a man's perspective I encourage you to back off of the relationship and go on with your life apart from this young man.  After 3 years of a courting relationship, if he's decided to move on, then let him go.  It's way past the time to make the decision to marry or not.  I encourage you to trust the Lord, release this relationship, embrace the mourning process, don't seek the ressurection of this relationship, rather, seek the Lord of the ressurection. 

You did not mention whether or not you have been sexually active. If so, then I really encourage you to move on.  Sexual activity biochemically bonds a woman to a man emotionally.  If he has created and betrayed this bond then he is especially hard harted against you and God.   

Also, may I ask, those who love you and know you and he, what are they encouraging you to do?  Especially, what are your parents and closest friends encouraging you to do?   

[HRoberson]

I want to marry this man. Despite his flaws, despite his abandonment....
The lord can repair ANY relationship...  he says to pursue peace and love and reconciliation..

Hmmmmm....yes, God CAN repair any relationship, if He wants to. Our job is to figure out if this is one of them.

Yes, God does say pursue peace and love and reconciliation. I'm not sure that means that once we've dated someone that God wants us to pursue them.

You want to marry this guy even though is so unstable that he would leave you?

Why?

You're working too hard. Spend some time figuring out who you are, not why someone else left you. Don't sit at home pining - he's one of about 2.8 billion guys in the world (OK, you're gonna have to reduce the size of the pond by those that are within marrying age, are local enough to meet, and that have some things in common with you - like faith.).

[lizer]

in response:

no no no no and no. we were not sexually active. we are both saving ourselves for marriage.
though it became very apparent towards the end of the relationship that he was struggling with those desires. he would have never ever "gone there"... but he was definitely pushing my boundaries no less.

i have been in touch with my pastors wife as well as a wonderful man in my church who has counseled me and who is also a pastor.  he stated very early on that i need to be okay with being single. that it appeared my guy is dealing with a lot of immature behavior. and that if he does come back i should really be prepared as to whether its something i want or not.


yes, i would still marry him even though he left. people will always fail you. you make the choice to continue loving. which is what god calls us to do. forgiveness.
and yes, it is not the relationship i miss. or the feelings that he gave me. it was him. as the person god created. i desire to grow in the lord with him. i desire to share life with him.  this has never wavered. im not sure if it will ever go away.

thank you all for your responses.
 

[HRoberson]

yes, i would still marry him even though he left. people will always fail you. you make the choice to continue loving. which is what god calls us to do. forgiveness.

Making the choice of a mate is not about forgiveness - he hasn't done anything wrong. Making the choice of a mate is about knowing what you're doing, and not chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you. Picking a mate is more intellectual than emotional.

and yes, it is not the relationship i miss. or the feelings that he gave me. it was him. as the person god created. i desire to grow in the lord with him. i desire to share life with him.  this has never wavered. im not sure if it will ever go away.

You may well desire to grow in the Lord with him; he may not want to grow in the Lord with you. Why do you suppose that God would answer your prayer and not his?

[lizer]

well if i were making my choice emotionally i would choose to not be with him ever. he left me high and dry. abandoned the 4 years of kindredness. my emotional side would never want someone who could to that. ....
and there does have to be forgiveness. there always does. when someone hurts you more than you've ever hurt before. there HAS to be forgiveness.

and also..
people can choose to be disobedient to god.
its his own free will to do what he wants...
god is in control regardless..
but people can make wrong decisions...

[HRoberson]

well if i were making my choice emotionally i would choose to not be with him ever. he left me high and dry. abandoned the 4 years of kindredness. my emotional side would never want someone who could to that. ....

OK.

and there does have to be forgiveness. there always does. when someone hurts you more than you've ever hurt before. there HAS to be forgiveness.

Why? If he left because he doesn't want to be married to you, what did he do wrong? It seems to me that he has made his choice, and you want God to change his mind - as though he is living in sin or something.

but people can make wrong decisions...

Yes, like chasing someone who doesn't want to be married to you.

[lizer]

i really wish you'd approach your communication in a different way. you are honestly coming across as very blunt and hurtful. 

i'll tell you why what he did was wrong...
he led me on to believe we would be married...
i agreed to date him because it was for marriage...
i dont make rash decisions...
god brought this man to me.. after having never ever been with anyone else...
after HE had never been with anyone else. we were not stupid kids. we were in our 20's. most people start dating at 15.
he left because he chose to not lean on the lord
and work through the very petty issues at hand....
any relationship can be fixed if you devote it to god....
he chose to not do that...  he made his choice to leave.
on my birthday card in february he wrote.. "we can get through anything because we have god and we have each other"....

2 weeks later hes gone.

are you justifying those actions?
if you do not see yourself being with someone for the rest of your life,
please do not drag them around for 3 years just for the heck of it......
seriously.
why do that to someone.

[HRoberson]

i really wish you'd approach your communication in a different way. you are honestly coming across as very blunt and hurtful. 

i'll tell you why what he did was wrong...
he led me on to believe we would be married...
i agreed to date him because it was for marriage...
i dont make rash decisions...
god brought this man to me.. after having never ever been with anyone else...
after HE had never been with anyone else. we were not stupid kids. we were in our 20's. most people start dating at 15.
he left because he chose to not lean on the lord
and work through the very petty issues at hand....
any relationship can be fixed if you devote it to god....
he chose to not do that...  he made his choice to leave.
on my birthday card in february he wrote.. "we can get through anything because we have god and we have each other"....

2 weeks later hes gone.

are you justifying those actions?
if you do not see yourself being with someone for the rest of your life,
please do not drag them around for 3 years just for the heck of it......
seriously.
why do that to someone.

Yeah, I got all that. A lot of folks have told you how they know you're hurting and wondering, and I suppose I can get a grip on that too. However, once we've done the emoting, it comes a time when we have to face life as it is. You've asked for advice, and so I've given you some and in the process asked a few questions that I think you need to ask yourself.

What I percieve is a young lady who wants that guy, and intends to badger God into giving him to her. Normally, I don't subscribe to the "God's gotta get me that guy" philosophy, no matter how good we may be together. And so, no, I'm not going to tell you that I think you ought to do that. That's my advice; you needn't take it.

I simply don't think you have a case for pursuing him, and much less of one for expecting God to knock him on the head and bring him back to you.

He changed his mind. I don't know why, but apparently he did. That's not a sin, it's a life decision. He's allowed to make it. Yes, in the process you get suprised, hurt, and embarassed. We could spend the next year making sure you know that we know that's how you feel. What would that get us?

Maybe he realized he didn't want to marry you. Maybe he doesn't think you and he are a faith-match. Maybe.....The point is, he left of his own accord. He's a big boy; he's allowed to do that. The world does not revolve around me or my expectations of what the future looks like.

Does it hurt? Sure. Does it make us wonder if we've wasted three years? Sure. Does it make us wonder why he left and can't figure out how to come back? Sure.

OK, we're hurt and wondering.

What are we going to do now?

Sorry if that's too blunt, but quite frankly I don't know how else to say it. By the way, I agree with your pastor.

[Arkstfan]

Being single isn't a disease or a disability (Lord please help some of those singles ministries that act that way!).

A broken engagement is hurtful and traumatic but much less than a broken marriage.

Best I can tell you is this. If something happened that caused my wife and I to be together I would be terribly hurt and sorrowful but I also know I could survive. A favorite saying among people is that they "can't live without" the other person. That's unhealthy.

[Hammer]

I guess in any breakup, the key question everyone wants an answer to is 'why?'....which can usually lead to rounds of self doubt and in some cases self recriminations....neither of which will ever effectively and actually answer the question.

But I do feel for you...I think most all of us have been there...and man, is it painful! And it won't heal quickly either...takes time, these things.

But...the game isn't over yet. Not to offer any false hope, but this happened to a couple I work with and he was gone for 2 years until they just happened to meet again....19 years and 9 kids later (yes, 9!!!) they are still happily married.

So I wouldn't give up hope, but I would suggest abandoning expectation in favor of trusting God (I know, I know, easy to say, hard to do...especially in affairs of the heart).

In short, if you can (really) trust God, then this lends itself to your own healing and sets the stage for God to do what he knows is best for everyone involved. I know that sounds trite and overworked, but it is still true.

The error in these sort of things is less in the circumstances of these (difficult) occurrences than in the expectations that we have concerning the outcome that the circumstances seem to indicate.

I know this is hard...no one likes to think an investment of any kind is simply discarded so easily..and that, without some sense of recompense, but dating is a gamble...and its a gamble that we only win at one time (in a successful marriage)....everything else is just...uh...practice ( for lack of a better term).

I would offer that it may be that this guy may just need some time to try and sort some things out for himself.

If this is the case...when guys get like this?...the best thing to do is give us the room we need to work things through. I mean, guys and girls think with different patterns. Instead of running through a series of options and testing each as to their emotional impact, as guys we need to take each option individually and 'Rubik's cube' it (read: turn it every which way possible until we are satisfied that we have a sure grasp of every angle and nuance that a particular option holds). This requires time...and the more we get interrupted in the process, the longer it takes us to find a resolution.

So, if this is the case and assuming he has been told how you feel, I would suggest to merely let it go. This takes the pressure off of him in trying to force a decision and allows him to work it through the way he has to.

I know the first instinct that comes to the fore when something we are so heavily invested in is threatened is to panic, but there's nothing any of us can do to change another person. I mean, changing people or making them to perform as we think best (use your best jamacian accent here)~~> "it's not my yob, mon."

And really, at the bottom line, if you can't trust this guy to make the right decision now concerning your relationship, then being on the other side of 'I do' won't make trusting him any easier. I mean, if you can't trust the dude to make the right call now, then you really can't trust him enough to enter into a life long covenant with him either.

In short, what is being tested here, for your part, is the ability to trust. To trust God first, and also to learn to trust the man that you want to marry.

So my advice (that and $2 will get you a coffee...if you don't go to one of those expensive places, that is): give the guy some space to allow him to think it through, take the pressure for an answer off, and be willing in your heart of hearts to accept whatever God has already decreed.

I promise it'll make life easier for both of you.

[zoonance]

Kind of like: Can we live without our right arm?  Yes, we wouldn't like it, but we would live and our left arm would learn to do things it never thought it could before.  I think sometimes we think we can't survive without _________ .  (job, spouse, kids liking us, eating steak and eggs, etc...)

[smikkelson]

Just give it time.  I know it hurts...I have been there!

When my husband left 3 months ago, I thought I would die!  I tried to chase him and tell him what God was saying as far as a husband and wife working things out, but it only pushed him away further and further.

Then, I stopped talking to him, and he finally started communicating with me slowly after a couple months.

Now, 3 months later, he is begging to come back to me....God answered my prayers! 

So, my advice is to hang in there, pray for God to do what his will for your relationship is, and just wait for the answer!  It will come eventually.  Good luck...I know it's hard, but you will survive!

[phoebe]

Just give it time.  I know it hurts...I have been there!

When my husband left 3 months ago, I thought I would die!  I tried to chase him and tell him what God was saying as far as a husband and wife working things out, but it only pushed him away further and further.

Then, I stopped talking to him, and he finally started communicating with me slowly after a couple months.

Now, 3 months later, he is begging to come back to me....God answered my prayers! 

So, my advice is to hang in there, pray for God to do what his will for your relationship is, and just wait for the answer!  It will come eventually.  Good luck...I know it's hard, but you will survive!

I just read your own post about your husband and your boyfriend, and your dilemma over whether to give up the boyfriend or take back the husband, all this after only 3 months of separation. And now I'm wondering, what the heck?!? If you REALLY wanted your husband to come back, you would  not have gotten involved with another man so quickly. Based on your own inability to make good decisions, perhaps you should not be giving advice to another that seems to be based on your personal experience.

Roberson has the best advice for Lizer. He could probably give you some good advice as well.

We could tiptoe-around-the-tulips all day, and still not get said what needs to be said. Sometimes bluntness is the only way to get a message across.