I need advice in finding someone

[scrappinmom19]

Hi
I'm new here and I'm curius about the others in this forum.

I'm 37, and heve never been on a date
Most of the guys I meet are intimidated by a woman who is independent enough to have adopted a child and have bought a house with out ever having a husband.
Others, as soon as they find out about my "package deal" my special needs daughter, all I see is dust!!!   
I have tried visiting other churches, going to rallies, going to singles conferences, and I have found friends, but it never goes any where.

[janine]

Friends are nothing to sneeze at!

I'll be back in tomorrow -- I'm sure you'll get some suggestions here.

[spurly]

I don't have any advice for you other than to concentrate your love and energy on your special needs daughter and wait patiently to see if God provides a husband.  According to 1 Corinthians 7, unless you are burning with passion, Paul would encourage you to remain single.  It might just be the best idea.

[ConnieLard]

I think Spurly gives good advice.  Since you have made the choices you have made, it would take someone uniquely gifted to take on the "package deal" you describe.  If it is God's will, He will send someone.  If not, He will give you what you need in other ways.

[janine]

We always want what we don't have.

Sometimes as a married person, I long for the single life I never knew, seeing it as a rosy time when I would have only my own self to answer to about decisions.

And there you are, wishing you could give that up.

Ah, well.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

All I can think of to do -- besides of course keeping a prayerful attitude about it, a "please send me a mate but Thy will be done" attitude --

Is to get yourself places where men of the type you want to meet tend to appear.

[ann]

I'm two yr older than you and am single and childless.  I am content on being single and I think that is the best advice I can give.  If love comes along, then it comes along. If not then it wont!  You can't rush love and there be nothing worse than being trapped in a dead end relationship just because you want a husband.  Like me, it might never happen.  Relax and just go with life. It hard to accept that but that is probably the best thing you can do.  Show your child there is nothing wrong in being single so they will grow up to be happy and secure in the knowledge that you love the child and that is important.  Your child loves you and so does   God and God loving you is as important if not more so than a male loving you.

[scrappinmom19]

 ::prayinghard::I have been praying for Gods will, and my mom and sister in law have been praying too

Maybe it is for the best that I stay single, for awhile anyway.  My daughter is terrified of me getting married.  I found out that it is because of what she saw happen to her bio mom, and she is afraid of the same things happening to me.  Can't elaborate (confidentiality rules).

She is willing to share me with other kids though, and asked me for a little sis.  When I told her she would have to wait, her reply was "can't we go to the office and get a baby where you got me?" that was an interesting conversation to say the least.

On the other hand, I have reopened my license to get more foster kids, and possibly adopt.  At least I have a brother and brother in laws that can be role models  for any kids I get.

Janine-you must have read Erma Bombeck! I love that saying.

Thanks Everyone!

[janine]

Erma Bombeck was one of God's mouthpieces on this Earth, bless her little cotton socks.

If you do meet a worthwhile man and y'all do consider marriage, then your kid will be a piece of work to handle because of her issues. 

If a man wants you he will have to want the both of you.  SO much that he is willing to court her as a daughter.

[scrappinmom19]

I know! That is one of the things that scares me.  I do believe that there is someone for me though.

When I was younger, I had a vision of my church, and I recognized the people but not the building.
I walked in and saw many of the anchors of the church, and stopped to talk to one of them.  The platform  had a very unique design, and a choir loft which our current sanctuary did not have.  What surprised me was that the loft was full, with no room for me.  A little blond girl came up to me, acting as if I had been gone for a long time. She took me by the hand, wanting to show the recently refinished Sundayschool rooms in the basement.  After we came back upstairs, I began to talk to another of the ladies, when I felt a gentle pressure on my shoulder. I looked down, and a mans hand was resting on my shoulder.  Instead of turning around, I looked at my left hand and there was a matching ring on my hand. The vision ended there.
Heres where it gets funny.  Two years later we began a building program, and the platform has that unique shape, with a choir loft.  And just a few years ago all of our rooms in the basement were flooded.  We cleaned the mold and dampness out but we have never redecorated.  Instead we are using the old sanctuary for a Superchurch, with puppets etc.  Now we are in the middle of a growth spurt so to speak!  We have baptized more in the past 6 months than in the past 6 years ::clappingoverhead::PTL
I keep holding to that vision, because I know that somewhere is someone that He  has prepared for me.  Someone who is willing to work with my daughter, and be the father that she needs.

[janine]

Unless the vision meant that the man by your side was Jesus.  Are not his people the Bride of Christ?

[ann]

On the other hand, I have reopened my license to get more foster kids, and possibly adopt.  At least I have a brother and brother in laws that can be role models  for any kids I get.

great way forward and hope you find peace amongst fostering/adoption.  You are very brave.

[scrappinmom19]

If you do meet a worthwhile man and y'all do consider marriage, then your kid will be a piece of work to handle because of her issues. 

If a man wants you he will have to want the both of you.  SO much that he is willing to court her as a daughter.

A piece of work is putting it mildly ::eek::When I mentioned that she is special needs, You understood without my ever saying what her issues were.  She has ADHD, PTSD, RAD, anxiety disorder, and a seisure disorder.  She is a piece of work on a Good Day.
Anyone who deals with her has their hands full.
On the other hand, we had a good report at the neurologist today.  She has been seizure free for 5 years, and if she can remain seizure free until January and has a clean EEG, we can eliminate seizure disorder from her list.
She does behave better when we have other kids in the house, as if she really realizes that I need the help, and that she needs to act her age,14, instead of 10.
Thanks for letting me talk.

[janine]

I think any older child, disabilities or conditions or syndromes or not, can benefit from being given partial charge of younger children. 

[ConnieLard]

Pretty sure I wouldn't give even partial charge of younger children to a 14-yr-old with the kind of problems you describe.  Might be good for her, but definitely not good for the other children.

[ann]

the 14 year old would need a lot of emotional and physical support so they don't feel overwhelmed.   The 14 year old is doing alot of growing themselves at this time. They are not yet an adult.

[scrappinmom19]

Don't worry, she is not left in charge.  I just mean that she keeps little ones busy playing games, putting in new movies, helping with the glue bottle on crafts etc.  She is not allowed to babysit, I am always home with them.  She also helps me, with dishes and vacuuming, because she understands that  toddlers need more attn.  If I am cooking or refilling washer or dryer, she helps too, whether there are little ones around or not.  She has her share of chores, then fun time.  If she wants to get away and go to her room to do things alone that is fine too.  She keeps her magnetix, and chapter books in her room so that when she needs alone time, she can have it.  I have taught her that her room is her sanctuary, so to speak, where she can go to pray, read, snuggle with her cat, or just calm down from a bad day.  If she has a bad day I let her go to her room and rest, read or whatever, then we get together to talk over what made it a bad day and what choices could have been made to make it better.  No kids are allowed in her room, she is allowed her privacy there. She isn't trated as an adult, yet she isn't treated like a baby either.  I protect her, but let her grow at her own pace.

[janine]

That's the kind of thing I had in mind when I said "partial charge".

[zoonance]

I can't speak for all guys (anymore than you could for all women) but I doubt I would first and foremost think, she has a special needs daughter... I'm out of here!   I might though "resent" (if that is the right word?) the obviously unidirectional attention you would give your daughter who has years of relationship with you.  (You admit you got along fine without "him" (any him!) before the potential mate came along.  It would take time for a man to "fit" into your plans (to be more than just a convient partner when you have the time and energy ... and desire to get over YOUR loneliness)  I doubt I said this right, but it is unlikely a decent guy's first thought would be "She's got a special need daughter, I'm out of here!"

[scrappinmom19]

I haven't had time to write lately, but when I said I have been around guys that are not interested because of my daughter, it was because of one in particular.  His teenage sis said "you're 37 and she's 37, why don't you ask her out?"  His reply?  "I like her, but I can't handle her daughter!"  This exchange was heard by his mother and three of his sisters.  His mother had been trying to get us together for several years, and not succeeding.  I think I'm better off with out him.

[ConnieLard]

I do admire his honesty, though.  He knows his limitations.  It takes a uniquely gifted person to take on the responsibility of a special needs child.  I'm not sure I could choose to do it.  I mean, if a child with special needs was born to me, I am sure God would give me the resources to do it, but to choose it deliberately is something else again.  You must be a very special lady.

[janine]

And, logically thinking along those lines, there must also be special men out there who would stand at your side.

I guess the way to go is to move forward in life, clinging to God and keeping positive, but always being open to the possibility that a good man might just cross your path.  Like, you and the daughter and God will be just fine if that's how it is to be -- but you wouldn't toss a good man back in the water if the Lord hooks one for you!

[scrappinmom19]

LOL on the fishing analogy The last time I went fishing, I took a rod and reel, but fish were the last thing on my mind. 
On the other hand, turtles stole my bait, I caught poison Ivy,  and the one I was trying to "hook" got married to someone else 6 months later.
I gave away my gear, and let my license expire.

[kensington]

But, you do scrapbook, and that is something I can relate to!!  Hello!

My family loves my scrapbook. The DH says I am putting our history down for generations to see!  I also quilt. 

Just saw your name and wanted to say hello.  Hello... 

[Mr. J]

Most of the guys I meet are intimidated by a woman who is independent enough to have adopted a child and have bought a house with out ever having a husband.

[/quote]

I'm not picking on you, you asked for help.  As a man speaking, I think you're making a mistake assuming men are intimidated by you when they simply choose to look elsewhere.  You've made family decisions before you've even gotten married.  When I meet "independent" women, I get the feeling they are far more interested in their own satisfaction than in being serious about being married.  I'm certain I've been labeled "intimidated" when in reality I was simply not interested.

I would suggest not making permanent family situations and demands before you have a family (husband) to talk it over with.  Any guess what, he might not want to adopt.

So it boils down to priorities.  Are you really looking for a husband, or are you really looking for an assistant?

[ann]

Hi to you
Well I am 40 in June 08! and admitt whilst I have been on a very few dates I am still very very single and very happy to be that 'spinster' what everyone dreads.  I have decided it must be a part of what I am here to do.  I do not mind making Spinsterhood have a very refreshing outlook.
Okay I have one cat and a rabbit.  That is one negative spinster outlook.  But I love my cat and rabbit. Between us across the two lands, UK and USA we could make Spinsterhood very fashionable I am sure. Especially Christian Spinster hood.  Admittedly I've experienced sex and I will be a traditional spinster here and say well I prefer a good pot of tea any day.
Not everything is so rosy since I have minor mental health problems and a very low income.  But I have happiness and God and know that yes I am safe.  I don't have a nagging husband who beats me up or feel threatend by. I don't have a fun and loving husband either. But I know that at least I haven't forced myself into a marriage because that is what everyone does.
Keep smiling because God loves you

[TommyTsunami]

Hi
I'm new here and I'm curius about the others in this forum.

I'm 37, and heve never been on a date
Most of the guys I meet are intimidated by a woman who is independent enough to have adopted a child and have bought a house with out ever having a husband.
Others, as soon as they find out about my "package deal" my special needs daughter, all I see is dust!!!   
I have tried visiting other churches, going to rallies, going to singles conferences, and I have found friends, but it never goes any where.

First, you can't fault them.  YOU chose to adopt without a husband, they didn't.  So, just like you they make a choice.  They have not only a right but a God given right to choose to live their life just as you have made YOUR choices and now the consequences in part are limited dating partners and possible husbands. 

Possibly someone will come along that is amenable to the situation and they will choose to invest time into furthering the relationship.  But remember, you made a choice and with that choice you alter your situation and people have the right to determine if it is right for them just as you determined adopting as a single person was right for you.

So reducing it down to self-aggrandizing statements like "men are intimidated" because you bought a house and adopted a child while still single only keeps you deluded as to the reality of the situation.  For the most part they simply don't want that and you do.