Is it Ever OK to Marry an Unsaved Person?

[angeleyes]

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about marriage in case no one has noticed. It is my belief that God wants us to have saved spouses to share the rest of our lives with. I know that there is a scripture that says we are not to be uneaqually yoked with unbelievers, but is it really talking about marriage, friendship, or associates.
Since God is love and we are to love one another; wouldn't he want us to marry someone of the opposite sex that we love. I know that there are different types of love and after all God says for wives to respect and be submissive to our husbands and our husbands are to love us, but it doesn't necessarily say that we are to love our husbands. I find that to be very intersting.
Since we are to love everyone, I assume that God wants us to love them as well.

My question is wether it s ok to marry a an unsaved person?
Does love cover a multitude of our sins or ours and others as well?

[Petals]

God's ideal for us is to marry another Christian.  It is meant to help us avoid a lot of headaches and heartaches if we don't (in business, friendships, and marriage).  Sure, there are a lot of unsaved people out there who treat their spouses, friends and business partners with respect and kindness, but in most instances the negatives will outweigh the positives. 

If there are children born into the marriage of an unequally yoked couple, it may confuse them if one is a believer and the other is not.  What example will be set if the unsaved parent goes to church, and the other one stays home?  If one is a tither and the other says "don't give to the church."  There are many more problems that can be avoided if believers don't compromise and stick to dating and marrying another (solid) Christian, one who is serious about serving the Lord.    There are problems in every marriage, but those built upon the Rock (Jesus) will stand a better chance of withstanding them. 

[angeleyes]

Thank you trueblue,

What about those who believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, but are not Christians. Any thoughts on that?

[Petals]

Thank you trueblue,

What about those who believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, but are not Christians. Any thoughts on that?

Even the devil believes in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit and knows they are real.  I'd say they must be "born again" in order to qualify as a true believer in Jesus Christ.  The Bible says, "Can two walk together except they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3) It is still better to be on the same footing when you are thinking about something as important as marriage.

[ConnieLard]

Why would a Christian want to marry someone who is not a Christian?  You would be basing your relationship on something other than Christ, and that is not the best way to start a marriage, is it?  Just food for thought.

[angeleyes]

 

Well said. I couldn't have said it better myself. Often times people think of John3:16 and think that because they believe in the holy trinity that they are accepted as a child of God and will therfore, go to heaven, but you and I both know that this isn't true. I just pray for those who are not yet savd that they may someday be saved and leave it up to God. Every now and then I will talk to them about their beliefs and tell them about Jesus, hoping that maybe what I have said will help them come to Jesus.

I was deeply in love with an ungodly man once and believed with all my heart that this was the man that God has for me. A part of me still wants to believe that, but now I believe that God has someone even better for me or He will change this man that I think might be the one for. Either way, I'll be thankful and satisfied.

[janine]

It would be the ideal to have a believer marry a believer.

However, you could marry someone you thought of as a Christian and find as time goes on that he's not the perfect paragon of Christian Manhood that you had thought.  What then?

What if he got six months into it and found that YOU were not the paragon of Christian Womanhood that HE had thought?  To the point where he even considered you some sort of Christian-camouflaged pagan?

What if you and he both are all happy with your spirituality and Christian-ness, and a year or two or ten after the wedding, you have moved to a higher level of learning and devotion and you understand a lot of things differently than you did when you married?  To the point where Mr. Unchanged Stick-in-the-Mud feels threatened by you, and divorces you?

See, Christians marrying Christians is still a human being marrying a human being -- and we human beings are more powerful than God in this one thing:  We can refuse Him.  We can stop our ears against the Spirit.

So --- by all means, try as a Christian woman to find a Christian man.  Two people trying to follow Christ makes an easier partnership than only one in the pair trying.

But still I am not convinced it's a panacea for all marital troubles, and I have yet to see that it is a sin to marry someone who has not the faith you do.  (Despite  Paul's paternalistic attitude toward widows.)

Whether you're a Christian marrying another one, or a Christian marrying a heathen -- don't make the mistake of thinking you can change one blessed thing about him.  No not one.

[angeleyes]

janine,

You have said a lot of good wholesome things in your post. As a matter of fact, I heard that the divorce rate in the body of Christ is just about the same as in the secular world. I pray that this is not true, but that just goes to show you that even if you are grounded in Christ, every marriage is going to have it's ups and downs and just as you said one may grow to a higher level while the other one stays where they are at.

[HRoberson]

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about marriage in case no one has noticed. It is my belief that God wants us to have saved spouses to share the rest of our lives with. I know that there is a scripture that says we are not to be uneaqually yoked with unbelievers, but is it really talking about marriage, friendship, or associates.

Does it matter? If it is talking about associates, would it not then extend to marriage associates?

Since God is love and we are to love one another; wouldn't he want us to marry someone of the opposite sex that we love.

That would be the preferred option.

I know that there are different types of love and after all God says for wives to respect and be submissive to our husbands and our husbands are to love us, but it doesn't necessarily say that we are to love our husbands.

If a wife is a Christian, she has no choice but to love her husband.

I find that to be very intersting.

Likely because we spend a lot of time trying to figure out the exact text without taking the whole revelation into consideration.

My question is wether it s ok to marry a an unsaved person?

OK, as in non-damnable? Yes.
OK, as in preferred? No.

Does love cover a multitude of our sins or ours and others as well?

The love of God covers everyone's sins. My intercession for you may well cover a multitude of your sins, and vice versa. It is also likely that my love for God/others will cover a multitude of my sins, and yours, yours.

At least I hope so.

[Jon-Marc]

Only if God gives you a direct command to do so. Otherwise He says not to be unevenly yoked. A believer married to an unbeliever is being unevenly yoked.

[CSloan]

Only if God gives you a direct command to do so. Otherwise He says not to be unevenly yoked. A believer married to an unbeliever is being unevenly yoked.

I would say God has given us a direct command to not do so, as you pointed out in the passage you suggested.

2Cr 6:14
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 

I would suggest converting your love interest, not as a justification for your desire for marriage; but out of genuine sincere care for his soul.

[angeleyes]

Great suggestion CSloan, but wasn't Hosea commanded to marry a prostitute(an ungodly/unsaved person)? I think that Jon-Marc has made a very good point as well.

[CSloan]

Great suggestion CSloan, but wasn't Hosea commanded to marry a prostitute(an ungodly/unsaved person)? I think that Jon-Marc has made a very good point as well.

Didn't Hosea humble her?

[angeleyes]

Great suggestion CSloan, but wasn't Hosea commanded to marry a prostitute(an ungodly/unsaved person)? I think that Jon-Marc has made a very good point as well.

Didn't Hosea humble her?

I think that this is why Jon-Marc said

Only if God gives you a direct command to do so.

Since our ways are not God's ways and God will at times tell us to do things that we may not understand, would't it be fair to say that God could still command someone to marry an unsaved person to prove a point or to symbolize His relationship with his children and how some of them still do play the harlot and in the end humble the unsaved person just as he would humble His backsliding children.

[CSloan]

Since our ways are not God's ways and God will at times tell us to do things that we may not understand, would't it be fair to say that God could still command someone to marry an unsaved person to prove a point or to symbolize His relationship with his children and how some of them still do play the harlot and in the end humble the unsaved person just as he would humble His backsliding children.

I don't think Hosea 3 is permission for a Christian to marry a unbeliever. And I think its fair to say that God is not a hypocrite, and he wouldn't instruct us in Scripture not be unequally yoked with unbelievers if his intentions were otherwise.

I do believe you might be reading your own emotions and desires into the text, and it would be wise to examine your heart before proceeding.

But why is it so important to get married to someone before they convert, why the rush?

[angeleyes]

Since our ways are not God's ways and God will at times tell us to do things that we may not understand, would't it be fair to say that God could still command someone to marry an unsaved person to prove a point or to symbolize His relationship with his children and how some of them still do play the harlot and in the end humble the unsaved person just as he would humble His backsliding children.

I don't think Hosea 3 is permission for a Christian to marry a unbeliever. And I think its fair to say that God is not a hypocrite, and he wouldn't instruct us in Scripture not be unequally yoked with unbelievers if his intentions were otherwise.

I do believe you might be reading your own emotions and desires into the text, and it would be wise to examine your heart before proceeding.

But why is it so important to get married to someone before they convert, why the rush?

I, personally don't want to marry a non-believer. This is not about me and my emotions and/or desires. I am just pointing out that God is the same today, yesterday, and forevermore. If he did this once before, whose to say that He won't do it again. Hopefully He won't, but only God knows what He will do in the future.

I would prefer to marry another believer. One who shares the same faith and beliefs as I do. I know that problems may arise in our marriage just like any other marriage, but I honestly believe that with God on our sides we are more than conquerors and can win and overcome any problem, obstacle, and storm that may come our way better than a couple of non-believers or a believer and a non-believer would be able to deal with them.

[CSloan]

angeleyes,

It seems you are going to believe what you want in regards to Hosea 3 and 2Corinthians 6:14, I just pray you will proceed with caution and seek the will of the Father and not the flesh.

[angeleyes]

Believe it or not, it is the will of the Father that I seek. I don't believe that he wants anyone of us to marry an unsaved person, but as I have said before God's ways are not our ways. God has given us His will regarding marriage in regards to non-believers and I agree with not being unequally yoked with sinners. I believe that it will cause a lot of problems in the long run.

I think that you are just convinced that I am fixated on marrying an unbeliever, which I am not. You think that I want to fulfill the lusts of the flesh when I really want and try my best to yield to the Holy Spirit and resist the flesh. Obviously you don't know me very well. So I would appreciate it, if you would stop assuming things about me and just ask me whatever it is that you are thinking of me.

[CSloan]

I think that you are just convinced that I am fixated on marrying an unbeliever, which I am not. You think that I want to fulfill the lusts of the flesh when I really want and try my best to yield to the Holy Spirit and resist the flesh. Obviously you don't know me very well. So I would appreciate it, if you would stop assuming things about me and just ask me whatever it is that you are thinking of me.

I never said you are trying fulfill the lusts of the flesh, or that your are trying to marry an unbeliever.

But please don't lash you at me for trying to offer you adivce to something you asked openly.

[angeleyes]

I wasn't lashing out on you. Just because I ask a question in the topic of the thread doesn't necessarily mean that I don't know the answer or have my own belief about the topic. Sometimes I just want to hear other people's opinion on the issue and believe I value your opinion, but it just sounded like you thought that I wanted to marry an unbeliever and that I wanted to pursue marriage based on my own lusts and desires/emotions rather than seeking and adhering to the will of God.

[CSloan]

but it just sounded like you thought that I wanted to marry an unbeliever and that I wanted to pursue marriage based on my own lusts and desires/emotions rather than seeking and adhering to the will of God.

angeleyes,

I'm sorry if I came across that way, I didn't mean it to.

I just wanted you to examine your motives to make sure they are pure, not to insinuate they aren't.

[janine]

Idle thoughts on the matter...

Better to marry than to burn.

Children of mixed marriage are holy -- sanctified.

How do you know whether your example  -- conversation -- will lead the lost one home?

2 Corinthians 6:14,  "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?".

Unbelievers:

1.  unfaithful, faithless, (not to be trusted, perfidious)
2. incredible
         1. of things
3. unbelieving, incredulous
         1. without trust (in God)

Seems to me it's always best to marry a believer -- but define "believer".

[david johnson]

you're going to marry whomever you fall for.  there is no guarantee it will be the ideal person.
love is deaf, blind, DUMB (in every sense of the word), and so fine!

dj

[zoonance]

Sadly, using "unequally yoked" in terms of marital strife, division, difficulty etc... could way too equally be applied to denominational distinctions.   A believer can sometimes get along better with an unbeliever than someone with a different doctrinal belief!  It would seem that both standing on the Rock doesn't mean there won't be some serious King of the Mountain going on.

[janine]

Yah, sure, but if it weren't them jostling around arguing over how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, it would be something else.

[saved by grace]

As stated, "Do not be equally yoke with unbelievers..."

From a personal experience, I can tell you that the answer is plain 'No'. I got to only understand why the LORD did say that in the Bible when I once got into a relationship with a person not of same faith.

It is hard when you and the other person don't share the same goals and values especially when it comes to the importance of honoring and serving the LORD. You might feel happy in a while but not completely at peace, which is what matters most, in the long run. Sorry to be harsh, but the relationship will only be like a prison cell to your godly spirit. 

[janine]

Isn't it Sears who started that "Good Better Best" thing?

That is, it's not that you cannot make a good marriage with someone "unequally yoked".  People marry folks who are lots smarter than they are, or lots simpler; people marry others who come from wildly different cultural or socio-economic backgrounds.  And also people marry others who are not as spiritually mature, or who are lots more mature.  Or sometimes unbelievers and believers marry.

See, it's not that you cannot develop a "good" marriage, no matter what.  Even a poor old ignorant unbeliever can sincerely want to work on a good marriage.  And being a believer don't guarantee anybody's good behavior.

But -- why settle for "good", when two believers working together can have "better", or even "best"?

Of course at one level that same logic can mean you'd better quit hanging around looking for a rich husband...

[janine]

Analogies and extensions of logic only go so far.  You cannot mindlessly and slavishly apply them in a cookie-cutter fashion.

For example, if I wanted to really be totally fully equally yoked with somebody in every way... I would have to go marry a chubby middle-aged middle-class college-educated Caucasian Cajun woman.

[Pag]

I tend to ramble and tell long stories, but I'll try to keep this short and to the point.

Thankfully, my last girlfriend didn't follow Paul's teaching.  She dated me, an athiest.
She didn't preach at me, or read the gospel to me, she simply behaved as her faith dictated.
We were together for seven years, and because of her, I am a believer.
And now I am in her position.
That is, I am currently dating an agnostic.  I didn't think I'd date an unbeliever, but here I am.  I feel God has called us together.  Why?  Well, for one thing, the string of events that led up to us getting together cannot easily be explained by chance.  One item that stands out is how I didn't meet her until I put my full trust in God about marriage.  I stopped asking, pleading, and cajoling Him and instead put my trust in Him that He would do it His way, in His time, and I would accept whatever it was.

So here we are.  Do I expect to change her?  Nope.  Do I hope and pray that she changes? Yes.  If she doesn't - well, ok.  Am I going to scheme of ways to get her to meet church people or attend services?  Nope.  I'm going to put my trust in God, as I should have from the beginning.
And while I believe God put us together for a reason, will I be disappointed if we don't live happily-ever-after?  Nope.  Maybe she was a way for me to start feeling good about myself again, and confident, and outgoing.  Maybe I was a way for her to feel the same.  Maybe I'll wind up being a friend who helped her through a rough time.

So enough about me.  Let me toss in my two cents with what I've learned so far.
Something to consider, and something we've already discussed - and continue to discuss - is exactly how our differing beliefs will affect our life together.  Our views on things are sometimes frighteningly identical, sometimes vastly different.  One issue is how will we raise our children (we both want children).   Not a comfortable discussion to have near the beginning of a relationship, but something which needs to be discussed early on to prevent hurt feelings later.  I'll tell you right now, if you decide to date an unbeliever, your faith is going to be a HUGE issue at times.  This woman is openminded and respectful of the beliefs of others.  This is key.  As a believer, you cannot become emotionally involved with someone who has no respect for the beliefs of others.  Not only does it speak to a deep down problem of which the disrespect of other's beliefs is only a symptom, but how can you be with someone you doesn't respect your beliefs - and therefore, you?  You deserve better.  Expect to have disagreements (but don't let them become fights) about faith and religion.  You're in for a rough time.  But if both partners work to respect the beliefs of the other, and show some compromise where appropriate, who knows?  In the end, there needs to be complete openness about your beliefs and the other person's.  Don't put off the uncomfortable discussions or let things fester.

[angeleyes]

Hi Pag and welcome to the forums

I really enjoyed your reply to the topic question and I found it very insightful and realistic. The bible does say not to be unequally yoked with sinners, but there was also a time in the bible where Hosea was commanded to actually marry a prostitute. This was part of his ministry and God's will.

So I understand and agree with the fact that sometimes God can be full of surprises and unpredictable.

I don't remember where I stated this before, but at times God uses unusual circumstances to do supernatural things and who are we to say that we know for a fact that it is never ok to marry or even date an unsaved person. God just might be doing another Hosea thing.

[janine]

Hi Pag and welcome to the forums

I really enjoyed your reply to the topic question and I found it very insightful and realistic. The bible does say not to be unequally yoked with sinners, but there was also a time in the bible where Hosea was commanded to actually marry a prostitute. This was part of his ministry and God's will.

So I understand and agree with the fact that sometimes God can be full of surprises and unpredictable.

I don't remember where I stated this before, but at times God uses unusual circumstances to do supernatural things and who are we to say that we know for a fact that it is never ok to marry or even date an unsaved person. God just might be doing another Hosea thing.

Well, I doubt it.  But the fact that He's God and we're us, and the possibilities -- that's enough for me to leave my mind open about it.

[angeleyes]

Well, I doubt it

What is it that you doubt?

[janine]

That God is gonna ask me to marry a repeatedly unrepentant prostitute.

[trento]

I don't think Hosea 3 is permission for a Christian to marry a unbeliever. And I think its fair to say that God is not a hypocrite, and he wouldn't instruct us in Scripture not be unequally yoked with unbelievers if his intentions were otherwise.

I do believe you might be reading your own emotions and desires into the text, and it would be wise to examine your heart before proceeding.

But why is it so important to get married to someone before they convert, why the rush?
[/quote]

because if you truly love the person, you'll not lay conversion as a condition.

[trento]

I, personally don't want to marry a non-believer. This is not about me and my emotions and/or desires. I am just pointing out that God is the same today, yesterday, and forevermore. If he did this once before, whose to say that He won't do it again. Hopefully He won't, but only God knows what He will do in the future.

I would prefer to marry another believer. One who shares the same faith and beliefs as I do. I know that problems may arise in our marriage just like any other marriage, but I honestly believe that with God on our sides we are more than conquerors and can win and overcome any problem, obstacle, and storm that may come our way better than a couple of non-believers or a believer and a non-believer would be able to deal with them.
[/quote]

That's why it is critical to examine the beliefs, values of your partner, whether Christian or non. When Paul wrote these instructions, it was a very different time in history. Christians were persecuted and no one was crazy enough to call himself one unless he wanted trouble. Today, many call themselves Christians, attend church and have values which are lower than non christians. i know of some christians who believe in divorces for eg and non who believe the marriage vow is sacred. You don't necessarily need to be a christian to be good person. Gandhi wasn't a Christian but the values he had were worthy. I'm not suggesting freely looking at non christians. But keep an open mind. There are many good non christians out there. And why is it so many think christians will fall away if married to a non? The cup is either half empty or half full, depending on how you want to look at it.