My Wife Cheated And Got Pregnant!!!!

[cab802]

My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years.  She told me she was pregnant back in September and later that month she broke the news to me that it may not be mine.  I am completely devastated.  We had been trying to have a child for several years.  She just had a dye test done on her fallopian tubes which usually cleans them out.  A lot of people get pregnant right after this procedure.  Well, two months later she cheats on me and is pregnant.  Just got the results back from the DNA test a couple of weeks ago and the baby is not mine.  I just don't know what to do.

[courtgirl72]

I don't know what to say.  I am sorry this is happening to you.  I am praying for you and your wife.  Is she even asking for forgiveness, if she is, well even if she isn't you both could benefit from christian counseling.  Please don't wait, find a counselor who is a christian to help you deal with these issues.  Maybe that could help heal the relationship and help to rebuild the trust that was lost.  Please know that God is with you.  I pray for comfort and healing be brought to this marraige. 

[MarkHooper]

  I would seek help first from a professional  Christian counselor. Next I would arrange for her to express how sorry she is with witnesses and any willingness to work out the marriage. Cherish honest repentance but don't be surprised by cold indifferent behavior. Do some deep soul searching but avoid obsessing. Contact a lawyer for legal advise on the child. Warn your wife of suppressed anger you feel and let out it and then let it go. The memory will never go away but the pain will subside provided she learns not to provoke you and you learn to forgive her.









                                                                         

[Mr. J]

You don't know what to do, but nobody can tell you either.  Biblically, there is absolutely no doubt that as the husband, you have options.

Just my two cents..... Rent an apartment, kick her out, tell her you need time to think things over, you will get back with her with whatever decision you have made, whenever that is.

If you're a Christian, it may be a good time to review the Bible as pertains to rights and expectations of husbands as differs from wives.  The good book in no way tells you to keep her, nor does the good book say you must dump her, but it does tell you your options.

Get some time alone, lots of it.  Do your thinking without her influence.  Nobody could think straight with something like that around, not even a bystander.

[TrueLoveEndures]

I am really sorry for your situation..I know it will be be tough..but just TRUST in the LORD....I really don't have any idea what to say as I am still single..
          But God is woth you...I'll be praying for you

[david johnson]

i guess she could go live w/her boyfriend while you sort things out.
no doubt she will find him understanding and eager to care for his child.

she's a jerk.  were you a creep to her? (just rhetorical, don't answer)

don't listen much to anyone who has never been through this...it does NOT take both partners to wreck a marriage.
if you go to a counselor, he/she does not have to be christian to give the personal help you need.
a good, non-church related counseling provider can always by supplemented by the minister of your choice.

i do urge you to start the recovery now.

luck and prayers
dj

[Pokhara]

First, the results of a DNA test cannot be trusted.  I have heard of a case where a lab worker didn't bother doing the tests, and just ticked yes or no.

The Bible says you can divorce your wife for adultery, but you should think long and hard before going down that route.  Think how the baby will be affected by all of this.  Do you think that God has - so to speak - given the baby to you?  Who is the baby going to regard as his or her father as he or she grows up?

[Jon-Marc]

I had a wife who cheated on me--several times and even with my sister's husband. She left me twice, and I took her back both times and forgave her. However, when she said to me, "I won't change", I gave up and we separated. In my mind I divorced her on adultery, but I didn't mention that to the judge. I didn't think "adultery' would mean anything in a divorce and just told the judge we were "incompatible".

I guess it depends on her attitude about it all. My wife saw nothing wrong with what she did. If your wife is truly sorry and seeks your forgiveness, it's your responsibility as a Christian (I'm assuming you are one) to forgive her. My wife had a child by another man while we were still married but after we separated. Every situation is different, and no one can really tell you what to do--except God. I regret to say I would have had a problem with accepting another man's child as mine. I know it's not the child's fault, but I would think she didn't rate on the same level as my own daughters. It's one of the many ways in which I fail as a Christian, but then I'm only human with human failures. It's the way I was raised by an unloving dad.

Does she want a divorce, or have you stopped loving her? That was my problem. I found I couldn't love or trust a woman who cheated on me and saw nothing wrong with it and refused to change.

[zoonance]

As lame as this will sound and as easy as it is for me to say having never had to deal with this - Never lose sight of the fact that none of this mess is the child's fault.  I have no great advise.    She must have told you for a reason.

[cab802]

Well, she is asking me for forgiveness and telling me that she made a terrible mistake and she would give anything if she could just take it back.  I believe that she is sincere but what worries me is that she somewhat blames me for making her unhappy enough to be in the frame of mind to cheat.  I am not taking responsibility for her infidelity.  I understand that my past behavior may have contributed to her unhappiness, but I actually thought she was my best friend.  What scares me the most, is the possiblity of this happening again. Then I will be attached to the child and it will be that much more of a mess.

[TommyTsunami]

My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years.  She told me she was pregnant back in September and later that month she broke the news to me that it may not be mine.  I am completely devastated.  We had been trying to have a child for several years.  She just had a dye test done on her fallopian tubes which usually cleans them out.  A lot of people get pregnant right after this procedure.  Well, two months later she cheats on me and is pregnant.  Just got the results back from the DNA test a couple of weeks ago and the baby is not mine.  I just don't know what to do.

Let's see, a newbie and you post this as your first post, a very intimate and personal problem revealed here?  Hmmmmm.

[MarkHooper]

  Your worries are well founded. But a spouse that wants there partern back is a good thing. Work with that one day at a time. Another thing is your not alone in your problems. Trust issue will haunt your marriage and  the search for true love will always be at the back of your mind. I would get a book on the issue and begin to read it , self empower yourself.

The blame issue is something she need to work out.  If she can't  I would make a time limit of one year to part ways. But this is a common problem with people who really mess there lives up. Don't fall for the 50% fault rule. It may take some time for her to realize she needs to take full responsibility. What that means is walking in grace sacrifice and humility.

[Pokhara]

Many years ago I had a problem involving a woman I knew (not a major problem).  I phoned some people I knew, but only one of them was home.  I told him that I wanted advice about my predicament, and he replied rather bluntly that the only advice that anyone could give me was to trust my judgment.  He then went on to ask me some questions about the situation, which perhaps contradicted his initial position.

Basically, none of us can tell you which path you should take.  None of us know enough about the situation to make that kind of judgment.  What we can do is to suggest certain ways in which you could look at the situation, such as see it from the child's perspective; or we can point to a certain passage of the Bible which might be relevant.  Ultimately though, the best advice is that you should approach God in prayer before making a decision - but you are probably doing that anyway.

What I will say is that if you walk away now, then the child will not grow up seeing you as its father.  On the other hand, if you stay with your wife, then the child will grow up seeing you as its father, and that will inevitably impact on your life in the future.

Suppose your wife were to cheat on you again a few years hence - you might want to walk away from the marriage, but to do so would also be walking away from the child who regards you as its father.  Do you see my point?

[Jon-Marc]

It's easy to blame someone else for our problems and shortcomings, but we have to take responsibility for our actions. No one can make someone else happy, and you're NOT responsible for making your wife happy. That's something she has to do on her own. She decides if she's going to be happy or unhappy. I used to suffer from depression a lot because of self pity, and one day I decided that I will not be depressed any more. Depression is a lack of trusting the Lord.

[janine]

(So is schizophrenia and acne and the heartbreak of psoriasis, eh, Jon-Marc? 
Most who read up on the various forms and origins and chemicals involved in depression would not entirely agree with you.)   

The first thing I wondered about the OP is, what the heck are you doing testing the DNA on a pregnancy that new?  How would they do that, with amniocentesis?  How far along was she when they did this testing?  When is the baby due?

[Mere Nick]

That's a tough situation.  Anything from trying to work things out and staying together to changing the locks on the door and setting her stuff out in the front yard is a choice only you can make.

[JoyInHim]

"Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson helped my dh tremendously when his 1st wife was adulterous.  Though SHE left (and is on her 4th husband), HE stayed with HER children and kept a Christian home going for them.  Her behavior was bad, but it didn't mess up his plan to raise children in a Christian home.  They had one bad parent, but the other remained stable. 

I love that you say, '....I will be attached to the child..."  That alone, shows your heart.  BE attached to that child.  Be the godly Man.  Be the godly Father and Husband.  Let the chips fall where they may, allow God to work forgiveness in you - but if at all possible, the godly thing seems to me to be accept your wife back, allow her to return to the role of your wife and child's mom (if she is willing to, and not cheat), and live justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.

Does it REALLY matter who donated the sperm to make this child?  She is YOUR wife, carrying a child in her body.  The sperm doner is not her husband, or a father to the child - he was just a doner.  (Abraham....?)

I'd suggest immediate couples counseling with your pastor or a good Christian source.  (Focus on the family is a great place for referrals - Family.org, I believe).  This would show you if your wife is serious: if she is willing to take steps to reconcile with you, letting you lead the way.  Let her know you are not willing to do this again (be cheated on) and she will have to CONVINCE you she is repentant and will never violate her vow again, and she will have to work double time to convince you that she can be trusted.  She should show she is willing to live under much tighter perameters (accounting to you for where she is at all times, and so on) to PROVE to you she has changed and wants to commit.

There is nothing more manly, in my view, than a guy willing to come in and commit to this child in a case like yours.  Even if the worse thing in the world happens (she leaves/cheats), you can STILL be 100% devoted to this child if the marriage fails.  You can still make sure you live within 2 minutes of the child until he or she is grown, and focus your life around raising this child.  But my sincere hope is that your wife is serious about reconciliation and you will not need to do this alone.

What a beautiful testimony you will have for the world to see one day, if you can submit to God's call on your life.  I hope you can commit to that, and hope your wife will respond accordingly, and follow your spiritual lead.  Most women cannot resist a guy like this.

Forgiveness is an amazing, miraculous thing.  By forgiving her, she sounds sincerely repentant, YOU can change this whole thing around and create a beautiful, intact family.  My focus would be on that child: MAKING a beautiful, Christian home for that child coming.  How can you do less?

I'm in prayer for you today.   Just my opinion.

Well, she is asking me for forgiveness and telling me that she made a terrible mistake and she would give anything if she could just take it back.  I believe that she is sincere but what worries me is that she somewhat blames me for making her unhappy enough to be in the frame of mind to cheat.  I am not taking responsibility for her infidelity.  I understand that my past behavior may have contributed to her unhappiness, but I actually thought she was my best friend.  What scares me the most, is the possiblity of this happening again. Then I will be attached to the child and it will be that much more of a mess.

[Mac]

My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years.  She told me she was pregnant back in September and later that month she broke the news to me that it may not be mine.  I am completely devastated.  We had been trying to have a child for several years.  She just had a dye test done on her fallopian tubes which usually cleans them out.  A lot of people get pregnant right after this procedure.  Well, two months later she cheats on me and is pregnant.  Just got the results back from the DNA test a couple of weeks ago and the baby is not mine.  I just don't know what to do.

cab802,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this...I have been through this same situation...You are not alone....First things first...

The child.... At the time I found out she was pregnant, I had 2 other children...After MUCH prayer and talking to a councilor at church, I decided to try and forgive her. I told myself that I could have been a better husband (she had also told me that I caused her infidelity because I "ignored" her, which I did not) and that I also had 2 other children and did not want them to suffer.....She also told me that the guy who she had the affair with told her to get  an abortion..She left me and as soon as she found out about the pregnancy he kicked her to the curb..How ironic...Anyway, she came home when he told her he wasn't looking for any children or a wife...But I digress..So, we decided to give it a shot...

It went ok for a few years...It took me sometime to get over the situation, but with the Lord's help, I did...Well, fast forward 5 years...I had a regular job and owned my own business..I worked 7 days a week more or less..I did not enjoy it, but that is what it took to satisfy her spending needs (she later blamed that on our problems).. We went on a trip with a group I was involved with..She behaved VERY strange that weekend...I found her by the pool early in the morning with a guy in the organization (who happened to be a very nasty and deceitful person)...I did not like that, but she came to the room and apologized about something that had happened the night before (falling asleep and embarrassing us both with something she did) and assured me nothing was amiss and that they were just talking... Then something strange happened..We did what married couples do. Which was odd..She had not done that in years..Initiated the contact I mean...Well, we returned home and on Monday..I got a call about our mortgage being behind 2 months...I tried to contact her but she was nowhere to be found..Cell phone, pager, etc...When she came home, I confronted her about the mortgage issue and she right smartly told me she wanted a divorce...It did not take much to figure out what was going on...She had been with that guy...

Let me shorten this...She did file for divorce...She threw me out of my own home...She financially ruined me...And she informed me that my middle son was not mine either...I felt like I had been shot in the gut....I could not eat or sleep....So I had to face the reality that I had 3 son's..2 of which were not biologically mine....What would I do? She pretty much set the tone early...She said if I tried to buck her at all on child support or tried to bring up the paternity issues that I would NEVER see them again....I tried to stand up to her once...I told her, "You know all I have to do is have them tested"..After I said that she told my 5 year old that I did not want to be his Daddy anymore...I begged her to stop. He was crying and upset...So, I cried at the thought of my boys being hurt...She told me, and I will never forget it, "Do not ever try to play ******* (very bad word) games with me again, or I will not hesitate to tell them..."  At that point I knew I was had...I love them to much to see them hurt...

Well, that was almost 8 years ago...My boys are 15, 14, 12...I pay out the nose in child support...I am remarried (happily I might add) and we have turned our marriage and our family over to the Lord for his protection...I adopted my wife's daughter so I have 4 now...I have been her Dad since she was 4...

As a couple we decided that we would do what was right for the children...Follow the Lord's will....We do everything for them and it cost us a small fortune...We have no money, etc...But we are the only stable part of their lives...She (the ex-wife) has continued to live her life for herself...Married and divorced again...Adultery, etc.... Nothing has changed...But I get to see my boys every day...My oldest and only biological son lives with us and I am hoping and praying the other two will follow....But I do not regret it for one minute...Any man can donate sperm..But it takes a real man to be a father...I love them...

You have probably just read this and are thinking, My gosh why did he say this?  Well, it is simple...No matter what you decide to do, that child is yours, if choose to have him/her....You can stay and it may mean everything to her that you accepted what she had done and you may live happily ever after...Then again, you may stay together only to end up like me..To find out she used you...She may have multiple affairs...But if you do what the Lord would have you do and concentrate on your own spiritual life, you will be fine...The child is innocent...I wondered many times how it would work out....She has threatened many times to tell them...She probably will tell them eventually..But the Lord will be served..I have nothing to hide or fear...When (I know she will) she tell's them, it will back fire on her...I have raised my children to see things the way they are...I really believe they will say, "Wow, what a man he is for doing that". I have put up with her telling my children that my daughter is the spawn of Satan...(Yes, she actually said that) She told my youngest son that it did not matter if I adopted my daughter because she doesn't have "my blood" in her.... She told him to tell her that...So, my nonbiological son told my 8 year old (at the time) adopted daughter what his mother told him to say...Cute huh?


Well brother, I will be praying for you and I hope you find some help in what I have written..Sometimes it helps to know you are not the only one who has faced this decision...But, if the wife is willing to let you raise the child, I would do it...But remember, if you choose to accept it, accept it and move on...If you do not think you can forget what she has done, well pray about it....Then move on if you know it is over...But remember, the child is innocent...

[JoyInHim]

Mac - I just have to say, you are my definition of a Man. 

Despite the sin, the offense, the whoring of your woman, you stayed the course, and did the RIGHT thing by building your life around those children.  Your works have not gone unnoticed!

Your life has exemplified what a godly MAN does in the face of sin.  You have stayed the parent, the consistent one in these children's lives.  Great job taking the high road - you are a testimony to fatherhood.  Your story blesses me!



Choose your wife well, you unmarried guys. 

[cab802]

(So is schizophrenia and acne and the heartbreak of psoriasis, eh, Jon-Marc? 
Most who read up on the various forms and origins and chemicals involved in depression would not entirely agree with you.)   

The first thing I wondered about the OP is, what the heck are you doing testing the DNA on a pregnancy that new?  How would they do that, with amniocentesis?  How far along was she when they did this testing?  When is the baby due?

Yes we used amniocentesis.  She was 15 weeks preg.  The baby is due in May.

[janine]

Yaaagh.  I hate the idea of poking needles at a baby less than four months along in the uterus.  So much could go wrong, including botching the whole thing so as to start infection, spontaneous abortion, injury to the mother or child...

Y'all had this done simply and only for paternity-proof?

[cab802]

Yes.  She and the baby are fine though.

[dmcca]

First, the results of a DNA test cannot be trusted.  I have heard of a case where a lab worker didn't bother doing the tests, and just ticked yes or no.

The Bible says you can divorce your wife for adultery, but you should think long and hard before going down that route.  Think how the baby will be affected by all of this.  Do you think that God has - so to speak - given the baby to you?  Who is the baby going to regard as his or her father as he or she grows up?

first of all i'm a med tech, and i would make sure my lab result was really, really accurate before i reported out that a child was illigitimate. i think i could lose my job for that! i find it awfully hard to believe that a med check just checked off yes or no. Hosea of course, fathered three children that were not his own, but perhaps your wife is worse off than gomer. only you know

[Big Mike Lewis]

cab802,

I cannot even imagine what I would do in your situation.  I am sorry.  I love you brother and am praying for you.