Can my marriage be saved?

[Anisoul]

My husband and I have been "together" for ten years and married just under five.

Our relationship has been very rocky. Throughout the duration of our relationship, we've been through affairs (both him and me), seperations and any other turmoil but have gotten back together in hope that things will change.

I accepted Christ as my Savior very early on but never understood the implications of salvation. I accepted Christ but did not truly allow him to live and work in my life and thusly, I remained the same. My husband accepted Christ as well under the same pretenses and struggled with his faith as well.

There are also personal issues that I believe have played a factor in our turmoil. My husband was the victim of a very abusive father and at the age of 4 was sent to various forster care homes to live. At the age of 15, he was sent a forster home of a woman who was truly the only mother figure he'd ever known. She died in April of last year. I wasn't raised by my mother or father either and I've always struggled with issues of a poor self image and poor self esteem. I used to lie at to make myself look better and feel better about myself. I was a very lost a lonely young lady.

We did a lot things to hurt one another but all and all, we kept hanging in there together. Over the years, I do believe that we have developed a hard heart toward one another for the hurts that we endured. All along, Christ was never in the picture.

After many, many years, I have recently re-dedicated my life to Christ wholely and truly. I live in his grace from day to day knowing that he is delivering me (as he reveals to me) from that lying, hurting anger, lonely person that I used to be. I'm finally understanding how to actually love because I've finally accepted the love that Christ has for me. My husband still truggles very much with his relationship with Christ. Daily, I pray, read and study the word and my husband does not. As I stated earlier, we've had some up's and down's and now, it just seems like things aren't getting better but worse.

Last night, in a very open conversation, my husband revealed to me that he's not in love with me anymore and that he hasn't been for a long time. He said that he stays in our marriage because he made a committment to me but that the loving feeling is gone. He also revealed that he felt more in-love with someone he cheated on me than me because of all of the bad things that we've been through. He said that he's miserable with me but can't see being without me. He also says that he stays because he doesn't want our son to grow up fatherless as he did. I told him that I struggle with unhappiness from time to time as well and that I believe that God would work to restore out marriage. He said that he's not so sure but didn't want to make a decision. I suggested counseling and he said "what is a counselor going to do?"

I don't know what to do. I am continually trusting and believing God for an answer and I pray that I am able to accept whatever His will is. I don't want a divorce because I truly love my husband and ever since Christ his taken over my life, I see everything different. I don't have a desire to be the liar and deceiver I once was. I also am truly understanding what love is and what it means, especially in a marriage.  I know that relationships take work and with God's help, I believe that there is restoration in store for my husband and I. But I know that it's foolish to try to make someone love you. Only Christ can change how he feels. I just don't know if I can keep hanging on and being miserable in the process.

I was just wondering if anyone has gone throught the same thing and has any encouragement.

[gracie]

 
Anisoul, my  younger life  was not unlike yours - no dad, my mother a schizophrenic who only wanted a good time out of life ( me being the product of one such good

time), so my childhood was a long and lonely experience of  homes, institutions, strangers faces and no love. Then, when I did get married, my husband was a bit too

handy with his fists, and had a wandering eye.

I am telling you this so you know that you are talking with someone who has also had a bleak and painful upbringing - but really, I think, we are looking at the

wrong end of life to  reflect on these things. Of course we can be shaped by our experiences, and are, but we can also rise above them to meet the challenges life

throws our way.

Just as you say, we cannot make someone love us, and improving your  situation does not rest  upon you alone - but there is much you can do for each other to bring

the sun back into your lives.

It requires a change of focus.  Forget what has gone, and how you have been hurt, think only of how to bring a smile to his face when you are together. A hardened

heart can be softened again.


You have love on your side, and your faith. Read what it says in 1 Cor 13 and  use that as your template.If your bible reads 'charity' correct it in your mind, for

the Greek word is agape, which describes a benevolent love shown towards others. Unselfish love really does change and overcome. In hand with this, talk to the Lord

in your private moments and bring your troubles to him. It is my experience that He does answer in all sorts of ways when the need is there and you are looking to

him for  comfort and help.


Incidentally, my husband and I divorced after 11 years of utter misery for me, but we are still in contact and there is a caring for each other, despite there being

30 plus years between. Why? Because I preferred to show him love, not hate, to forgive him and to keep him as a friend, not counting the past or allow it to affect

the future.

I hope others on here can help you more and support you - I just happened to drop in and saw your post.  I shall hold you in my prayers - but  remember, life is life

and we have some hard and painful lessons to learn.It is my experience also (look at the cross) that out of the greatest bad can come the greatest good, though we

don't often recognise it at the time. Trust in Him, keep you eyes on Him even if your efforts bear no fruit, love is never wasted.