Husbands Not Wired for Romance

[Petals]

Is your husband romantic?  Does he do little things for you to let you know you're special to him?  

Husbands...what do you do for your wife to make her feel special?  I know most men are lacking in the romantic gene, so it takes effort to add special touches to enhance the marriage relationship.  Do you make that effort?    
 

[lcougars08]

it starts with us - when we are romantic with them - they will want to be romantic with us.  there is a great bible study called The Inspired Wife that really will make a huge difference in this area - here is the blog and you can do it online too - highly recommend it. 
(Link Removed Per Forum Rule 3.3)

[Petals]

it starts with us - when we are romantic with them - they will want to be romantic with us. 

Sorry, but I don't agree with what you said about when we are romantic with them, they will want to be romantic with us.  If your comment was true, then my husband is the exception.  I could write him love notes, greet him at the door wrapped in a sexy negligee or wearing nothing but a smile, have candlelight dinner on the table and soft music playing, and he'd still be clueless about romance.  He just doesn't get it, and I think many men are that way.   My husband just doesn't see a need for romance in our marriage.   I wish he were different, but I knew he was this way when we got married.  He has many other positive traits, however, that make up for what he is lacking in the romance dept.     

[MarkHooper]

He just doesn't get it, and I think many men are that way.   My husband just doesn't see a need for romance in our marriage.   I wish he were different, but I knew he was this way when we got married.  He has many other positive traits, however, that make up for what he is lacking in the romance dept

I would disagree greatly and say most men are romantic . Men are wired for it. But the issue is much deeper than a stereotypical view. First of all your disappointment  is in the fact your idealization of romance is not known to him. One of the reason is  your view of romance is hidden is to hope that some how he will read your mind or notice who you are! But to have to tell him I like chocolate the "good kind" and flowers not from the grocery store but a "flower shop" and I want them deliever in front of my peers I want to go to a fancy restaurant on and it goes for you kills the deal........ I am not saying you have not sat down with him and had this discussion what I am saying is your thinking on romance is like a carrot on a stick! It is a fantasy not a reality!!!!!!

The truth is it is embarrassing or demeaning for you to communicate your desires to your husband. I would say he feels that deeply and is terribly afraid of not being able  to satisfy your dreams. Most men when faced with impossible odds tend to find  ways around the issue.

 

My husband just doesn't see a need for romance

If you are a "Trueblue" you would know this is just not true in and of itself. The way to romance is in the give and take of our personalities. It's either fire and ice , hand in the glove , or gentle persuasion. When you give him a chance and learn what makes him care about your desires he will begin to change for you.

[Petals]

I couldn't make myself any clearer to my husband, and was even inspired to write, record & publish a song that dealt with the subject.  His response, only through the urging of a friend, was to bring me a dozen roses. 

He was in his late thirties and pretty set in his ways when we married, and since his dad is the same unromantic way, I just try to accept it. 

When I talk of romance, I'm not talking about Christmas or birthdays.  I mean little thoughtful things throughout the year that say, "I love you."  I'm really not that hard to please.  A single rose, a favorite song, a poem, a love note, soft music, dancing in the rain--things that cost little or nothing, are simple things that can add a lot to a relationship. 

I'm not exaggerating when I say romance isn't important to my hubby.  He  doesn't need it, or seem to feel that I do, either.       I used to grow quite frustrated after opening up to him, and he just didn't say anything or try to fix things.  I gave up mentioning it & stopped  trying to resolve things for fear of becoming a nag about it. 

It's also not "embarrassing or demeaning for me to communicate my desires to my dh, but it's more like the other way around. 

[MarkHooper]

I still disagree.

Think about this what motivates your husband? Is it quiet time and harmony in the family,is it power at work and home, is fun sports and play?  If you know what motivates him then you know how persuade him. But if you don't know what motivates him then you don't know how to communicate romance.

A single rose, a favorite song, a poem, a love note, soft music, dancing in the rain--things that cost little or nothing, are simple things  

Not always true for everybody....

[janine]

I still remember the glowing white magnolia blossom Mike picked for me as he walked across campus one day, when we were college kids living in the "married students' dorm.  He couldn't have afforded storebought flowers - but the fact that he thought of me while we were apart was a thrill.

[Petals]

Okay MarkHooper, what is your idea of "romance?"  I'd like to hear a guy's point of view.

[Petals]

Janine, that's exactly my point.  It's the little thoughtful things that make a woman happy.     I once dated a guy who bought me a small mirror that was imprinted "Good Morning Sunshine" and a red silk rose.  He was an evangelist and that was all he could afford.  I kept those two things for years.   

[MarkHooper]

Romance is the enticement to intimacy. The fulfillment of the lovers dream. The journey of deep friendship and the appreciation of partners love.

.

[Tantor]

Romance is the club that women try and use to control their men.

Everyone should have to hear this song when they get married.

For my wedding, I will dress in black
And never again will I look back
Ah, my dark angels we must part
For Ive made a sanctuary of my heart

To want what I have
To take what Im given with grace
For this I pray
On my wedding day

For my wedding, I dont want violins
Or sentimental songs about thick and thin
I want a moment of silence and a moment of prayer
For the love well need to make it in the world out there

To want what I have
To take what Im given with grace
For this I pray
On my wedding day
On my wedding day

I dream, and my dreams are all glory and light
Thats what Ive wanted for my life
And if it hasnt always been that way
Well, I can dream and I can pray
On my wedding day

So what makes us any different from all the others
Who have tried and failed before us
Maybe nothing, maybe nothing at all
But I pray were the lucky ones; I pray we never fall

To want what we have
To take what were given with grace
For these things I pray
On my wedding day
On my wedding day

[Petals]

Tantor, how can "romance" be a club to use to control a man?  I just don't see it.  Romance is a benefit to both. 

[Tantor]

Tantor, how can "romance" be a club to use to control a man?  I just don't see it.  Romance is a benefit to both. 

Romance is nothing more the stroking the wife's ego..

Women wanting to feel 'special' is nothing more then a way to subjigate men.

Ask men about romance, and 99% only do it to get sex from their wives.. its the 'price' they have to pay.

Just one of the multiple nonsenses men have to put up with when they deal with their wives.

So glad I am single.. I would rather take a bullet to the head then get married again.

Don't have to deal with the nagging, horrible smells from time to time (my ex had the absolute worse 'horse breath' during her time of the month.. but God help me if I were ever to say anything about it), nylons and underwear on the bathroom floor, having my clothes smell like perfume.. lipstick or makeup smeared on my clothes... coming home to a horribly cooked meal and watching my credit card balances get bigger every month.

All the effort is NOT worth the reward no matter how special you think you are.

I have dated a few times since the divorce and after every date I am thinking I have just dated a mental patient.  Most 40+ women are just looking for someone to retire on.. or have badly damaged kids they want me to help raise.

I actually dated 2 women that had the audacity to inquire how much money I make..... I responded with 'check please' and it was a real quiet ride home.

Being lonely once in a blue moon is much more preferable.

[Charles Sloan]

Tantor, how can "romance" be a club to use to control a man?  I just don't see it.  Romance is a benefit to both. 

Romance is nothing more the stroking the wife's ego..

Women wanting to feel 'special' is nothing more then a way to subjigate men.

Ask men about romance, and 99% only do it to get sex from their wives.. its the 'price' they have to pay.

Just one of the multiple nonsenses men have to put up with when they deal with their wives.

So glad I am single.. I would rather take a bullet to the head then get married again.

Don't have to deal with the nagging, horrible smells from time to time (my ex had the absolute worse 'horse breath' during her time of the month.. but God help me if I were ever to say anything about it), nylons and underwear on the bathroom floor, having my clothes smell like perfume.. lipstick or makeup smeared on my clothes... coming home to a horribly cooked meal and watching my credit card balances get bigger every month.

All the effort is NOT worth the reward no matter how special you think you are.

Sounds like you had a rough marriage, or more like a rough divorce. But don't say that everything men do for their wives is nonsense, since we are commanded to love our wives as Jesus loved the Church. I personally joyously and zealously seek to romance my wife and make her happy, but its not to get sex. If thats all a wife is to a husband, then she is more like a hooker than a wife to him.

[Tantor]

Sounds like you had a rough marriage, or more like a rough divorce. But don't say that everything men do for their wives is nonsense, since we are commanded to love our wives as Jesus loved the Church. I personally joyously and zealously seek to romance my wife and make her happy, but its not to get sex. If thats all a wife is to a husband, then she is more as a hooker than a wife to him.

I dont recall Jesus doing anything for his church excepting dieing for it... he sure didnt spend a lot of time setting things up.

[Charles Sloan]

Sounds like you had a rough marriage, or more like a rough divorce. But don't say that everything men do for their wives is nonsense, since we are commanded to love our wives as Jesus loved the Church. I personally joyously and zealously seek to romance my wife and make her happy, but its not to get sex. If thats all a wife is to a husband, then she is more as a hooker than a wife to him.

I dont recall Jesus doing anything for his church excepting dieing for it... he sure didnt spend a lot of time setting things up.

Yeah only three years of personally living in their presence preaching and teaching them day and night. Not to mention after raising from the dead he stayed with the disciples that abandoned him forty days before his accession, then giving his Spirit to personally dwell within everyone that believes. Plus his Spirit inspiring the very book we all cherish (well at least some of us). Also let us not forget that Jesus was the one who created the entire universe and everything in it, and who it really is that rains his mercy on both the just and the unjust.

So before you compare Jesus to a negligent bridegroom, think about who you are talking about.

[Petals]

Ooh, Charles, you hit the nail on the head when you said that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.   When a man treats his wife like she is precious to him, she responds in kind.  A woman is like a mirror, reflecting the behavior of her husband.

Thanks, Charles, for your response.  My opinion of you just went up a notch.   

[Tantor]

I know what I am talking about.. and I know why he came.  I believe in the Trinity.. three persons as one, with each one having distinct roles to play.

The Holy Spirit inspired the Bible.

Jesus made disciples.. why is discipleship so far down on most peoples lists when it comes to Christianity?  His entire church was based off of discipleship, IMNSHO.

Jesus hung around to fulfill prophesy..

And given how Jesus' church has turned out.. I find it interesting that people think his church is precious to him.. or at least the incarnations of his church in these past 1800+ years.

And anyhow, marriage is the 'lesser' alternative for a Christian anyhow, its nothing we should aspire to.

[Charles Sloan]

Don't let your heart turn bitter.

[Tantor]

The only thing I have a heart for is the christian and american culture that promotes something that should be a secondary alternative in our lives.

I believe a lot of people seek out and get married because it is expected of them culturally and by their parents.. and then realize they were not cut out for marriage and get stuck in a relationship for the rest of their lives when they originally thought they were doing the right thing.

I tell both my kids (21 daughter and 22 son) that marriage should always be the last thing on their minds... get married for the right reason at the right time, not because it is expected of you.

[zoonance]

Okay MarkHooper, what is your idea of "romance?"  I'd like to hear a guy's point of view.

Ready?

[zoonance]

Okay MarkHooper, what is your idea of "romance?"  I'd like to hear a guy's point of view.

Ready?

I was just kidding.   I think it is similar.  It won't be "chick" romance, but it is recognizing that she needs "chick" romance - and that makes him romantic.

[Mac]

Romance is nothing more the stroking the wife's ego..

Women wanting to feel 'special' is nothing more then a way to subjigate men.

Ask men about romance, and 99% only do it to get sex from their wives.. its the 'price' they have to pay.

Just one of the multiple nonsenses men have to put up with when they deal with their wives.

So glad I am single.. I would rather take a bullet to the head then get married again.

Don't have to deal with the nagging, horrible smells from time to time (my ex had the absolute worse 'horse breath' during her time of the month.. but God help me if I were ever to say anything about it), nylons and underwear on the bathroom floor, having my clothes smell like perfume.. lipstick or makeup smeared on my clothes... coming home to a horribly cooked meal and watching my credit card balances get bigger every month.

All the effort is NOT worth the reward no matter how special you think you are.

I have dated a few times since the divorce and after every date I am thinking I have just dated a mental patient.  Most 40+ women are just looking for someone to retire on.. or have badly damaged kids they want me to help raise.

I actually dated 2 women that had the audacity to inquire how much money I make..... I responded with 'check please' and it was a real quiet ride home.

Being lonely once in a blue moon is much more preferable.

Wow Tantor....I really feel sorry for you...Man are you bitter....I went through a terrible divorce and was eviscerated financially, mentally and bodily....But today, I am truly blessed by the Lord with a wonderful, Godly, prayerful wife...I truly love her....And I do romance her...Every day...

I recently laid my bitterness issues (with the ex-wife) at the Lord's feet..It was beginning to harm my walk with the Lord.. It was damaging my witness and I didn't even know it...You need to lift up this issue in prayer...If you say there is no issue, you are in denial...Tantor, bitterness will eat you from the inside - out.....

The Holy Bible tells us that a woman is of a weaker vessel...
1 Peter 3:7
"Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered."

Not weaker as in unable or worthless, but weaker as in softer, gentler..In other words feminine not masculine...

I think what you may be considering a power play is the times when a woman is more needy than others... And yes, there are those times...When my wife is on her monthly cycle, she is very needy...She can be emotional....And you know what? I really try to pamper her at those times... Why? Because she has entrusted herself to me as her husband to care for her....She doesn't stop caring for the family..She still cooks, cleans and goes to work...She fulfills her obligations..So, why should I not help her feel better if I can? Why not rub her back or her feet? She rubs mine when I am tired and ache...

As far as romancing for sex...That is ridiculous...Sex is a for gone conclusion if I want it...Same with her...If she wants it, she will get it...I romance her because I know she needs that as a woman and I like seeing her happy and full of life....I think more people ought to live by the Bible's good word and live your own life for Christ and stop trying to live others for them...What I mean by that is, if I am living my life as God has told me to, I will treat EVERYONE in my life the right way....And how do you think Christ would want me to treat my wife?? I will tell you how, he told us how to in the Bible...To love our wife as Christ loved the Church....To treat our wives with respect....Love them...What is love's defintion in the Bible?

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
   "4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

And finally 1 Corinthians 13:13
  "And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

Tantor, I hope you will one day be rid of this bitterness you hold...It does not help your witness at all...I am not blasting you brother...I have read many of your post and learned from them...But you have a deep rooted bitterness towards women that is not healthy..I pray that you will turn this over to the Lord...I will be praying for you friend...

[Bon Voyage]

I am not wired for romance.  Gotta work on that because my wife is. 

[Tantor]

I don't think its bitterness.. its just realism.

Any christian man does a disservice to the lord when he subjagates the sacred bond of marriage to the secular laws of this land.

I really don't understand why christendom doesn't resist the governments intrusion into the most private part of our lives.

Isn't 'blasphemy' taking that which is sacred and throwing it out before the public a\who then bastardize it for their own ends?

And besides, I think I am in good company when it comes to my views on the current state of affairs between women and men in our culture these days... at least once a week I run into an article about the perceived 'marriage strike' that men are on these days.  It's getting worse and worse as the months go by with women branding men childish for not wanting to settle down and men branding women as gold diggers and exploiters.

Then there is the argument that the current state of laws regarding men and marriage are more of a danger to the institution of marriage in our culture then the assault by same sex couples on it... which I whole heartedly agree with.  What kind of an institution is it that puts one of the participants at such a disadvantage right from the start?

Personally, I would like to see all tax and employer benefits removed from marriage and remove the ability for couples to file 'joint returns'.. make all individuals in this country stand up for themselves and be responsible citizens.. regardless of sex or marital status.

Then require a 'marriage contract' for everyone that seeks a marriage that outlines the responsibilities of each participant along with the terms of settlement if the contract is to be disolved.  Make it a civil matter if it is broken and have the government actively enforce the terms.

But I have no bitterness tword women in general.. frankly the power that the government has allotted them scares me to death more then anything else and it is not a risk I am willing to take anymore.

At work, we no longer have closed door meetings if there are both sexes present.. the possiblity of one of the women crying sexual harassment or inappropriate contact is not a risk that we will take either professionally or personally... we also have cameras on in the conference rooms 24/7.  The fact that the burden of innocence always falls on the males is something that we need to combat.

The bad apples (and the women that try and exploit them) have put the rest of us under siege and we have to deal with it the best we can.

[Mac]

Any christian man does a disservice to the lord when he subjagates the sacred bond of marriage to the secular laws of this land.

What laws are you talking about Tantor? The only law concerning marriage a Christian is bound by is God's law..And God said we should follow the rules of the land unless it directly contradicts His word...

I really don't understand why christendom doesn't resist the governments intrusion into the most private part of our lives.

I am not sure what you are talking about...The government does not interfer with my marriage in any way...

Isn't 'blasphemy' taking that which is sacred and throwing it out before the public a\who then bastardize it for their own ends?

The Lord said we should be in the world but not of the world...Here again I say that what the "world" tells me about marriage is of zero importance to me...That is like telling me that because the world says, "Jesus is not real", that I quit being a believer because I do not like what the world has said...I see it the opposite of you..God intended marriage to  be Holy...If we do ANYTHING it should be to prove to the world that their view of marriage is wrong...Not throw in the towel and say we hate marriage...

And besides, I think I am in good company when it comes to my views on the current state of affairs between women and men in our culture these days... at least once a week I run into an article about the perceived 'marriage strike' that men are on these days.  It's getting worse and worse as the months go by with women branding men childish for not wanting to settle down and men branding women as gold diggers and exploiters.

I haven't seen these articles you speak of..I am pretty news savvy..Maybe it is where you live...I do believe we have a problem with the constant negative views expressed by some feminist when it comes to men..But in general, I think it is the responsibility of each man to let the Lord shine through him in his life..Lead by example I guess. As far as some woman earning the label of "gold digger", well some who have been tagged with that label have earned it...But I see them as no different as the 70 year old male millionaire marrying a 22 year old girl..They both are getting what they deserve...He is buying sex and she is digging for gold..One is not better than the other...It is like paying for a prostitiute..Which is worse? The one selling or the one buying?

Then there is the argument that the current state of laws regarding men and marriage are more of a danger to the institution of marriage in our culture then the assault by same sex couples on it... which I whole heartedly agree with.  What kind of an institution is it that puts one of the participants at such a disadvantage right from the start?

I am not sure what you mean here...But I can say that the attack on the institution of marriage by the same sex lobby is a terrible situation...But, I will give you this, the idea of marriage today is if it doesn't work out , oh well, we tried...I am adamantly against divorce...As well as same sex unions, etc...

Personally, I would like to see all tax and employer benefits removed from marriage and remove the ability for couples to file 'joint returns'.. make all individuals in this country stand up for themselves and be responsible citizens.. regardless of sex or marital status.

Nothing personal, but that is just stupid...What about the families where only one person has a job? What about the millions of homes that the mothers stay home and provide their children with something that is all but gone, a stay at home mother?  As I said, stupid.

Then require a 'marriage contract' for everyone that seeks a marriage that outlines the responsibilities of each participant along with the terms of settlement if the contract is to be disolved.  Make it a civil matter if it is broken and have the government actively enforce the terms.

Earlier you said what business does the government have getting into our marriages...Here you say that the government should enforce contracts of marriage...That is over the top...If people would live by God's word, marriage would not be a disaster as it is today...Government has no business in mine or anyone else's marriage. In that capacity anyway.

At work, we no longer have closed door meetings if there are both sexes present.. the possibility of one of the women crying sexual harassment or inappropriate contact is not a risk that we will take either professionally or personally... we also have cameras on in the conference rooms 24/7.  The fact that the burden of innocence always falls on the males is something that we need to combat.

The bad apples (and the women that try and exploit them) have put the rest of us under siege and we have to deal with it the best we can.

Can't argue with the the first part of that..Seen the aftermath of that myself...As far as the "burden of innocence" issue, while that may be true to a point, there are a lot of men raising children that were awarded custody through the courts...That is something that NEVER would have happened 40 years ago. But I will admit it is definitely tilted in the woman's favor...But that is changing...

[Tantor]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_strike
Would be a good place to start reading.