Got kicked out of a Christian communal home because i had a crush on the deacon.

[NovemberGirl]

Many years ago, i lived in a communal Christian home. Dating was not allowed and we had to treat each other like brother's and sister's in the Lord.
The elder of the house, who did not live there, would visit at times. One day he came to me saying he needed to talk to me. He said i seemed kind of depressed..ect..He asked what's up? I told him i had a crush on the deacon of the house. He looked very shocked and displeased, but didn't say much.

After that, i felt really bad, so bad that i felt i needed to tell the deacon that i liked him. Yikes! lol i know. He was very surprised...and he said his "flesh eats it up"...but that dating was not allowed there....ect. ..Well...after that meeting he started to avoid me.

Days later, the elder came by again and asked me to leave.
Basically i got kicked out because i had a thing for the deacon. Even though i never acted any differently towards him. In fact, he never knew i liked him until i told him, nor did anyone else.

Was it right they did that? and why was the deacon ignoring me afterwards? and what did he mean by his flesh eats it up?

I have always wondered about all this, but have never really spoken to anyone about it all these years.
By the way. I was 18 then, he was 26.

[Pokhara]

Based on what you have said, I do not feel that you have any reason to feel ashamed.

The Bible is not against dating.  Marriage is an institution ordained of God, and dating usually comes first.

I cannot explain why the elder ordered you to leave the commune, and I doubt if anyone else can either.

Try not to let it upset you.  Learn to move on.

[NovemberGirl]

Pokhara...

They also believed in dating. They were not against it. One just couldn't date while they were living at the house. The house was just meant to be a place where one learned about the Lord and had fellowship with each other. Even though i was not asking to date anyone...just the mere fact that they knew i liked the deacon was enough for them to throw me out.

[Pokhara]

The no dating rule may seem silly, but you chose to live in that community.  If you were a nun, then you would have to contend with a far stricter set of house rules.

You need to move on.  It is easy to have a crush at your age.  You don't know that the deacon was the right man for you.  If he were, then surely God will bring you and him together at some time.

The best advice I can give you is that you should let go of your disappointments and set out to enjoy the life you have.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

It seems apparent to me that the problem was with him.  He stumbled on knowing it, and, when it came right down to it, he was more important to what they were doing there than you, so you got the boot.  I can see some logic in it, but it still sucks.

If having a crush on someone is a reason to be ashamed, a lot of people should be hangin their heads.  Keep your chin up.

[Petals]

I see this as trying to remove temptation.  Maybe the Deacon had feelings towards you, too, but chose to suppress them and concentrate solely on things of the Lord.   You evidently had someplace else to go, didn't you?  I am giving them the benefit of the doubt and choose to believe that they felt they were doing the right thing according to Scripture. 

This topic interests me, because I'm sure this situation will eventually come up when my daughter and SIL's ministry opens later this year.  It is a ministry for troubled teens who will reside in a group home.

[NovemberGirl]

It seems apparent to me that the problem was with him.  He stumbled on knowing it,

Stumbled? in what way?  he did nothing but avoid me afterwards. He saw me coming, and he headed the other direction. He was NEVER like that before.

and, when it came right down to it, he was more important to what they were doing there than you, so you got the boot.  I can see some logic in it, but it still sucks.

If having a crush on someone is a reason to be ashamed, a lot of people should be hangin their heads.  Keep your chin up.

Thanks Wycliffes_Shillelagh. Cause in a way, they did make me feel guilty for my feelings. They never even went into details. It was basically, oh, you like him? out you go. No explanation, no nothing.

And i was like...whoa.  ....which of course..lead to this.

I see this as trying to remove temptation.

Meaning...I was the temptation??

Maybe the Deacon had feelings towards you, too, but chose to suppress them and concentrate solely on things of the Lord.

I never sensed him liking me, though i must have stirred something in him when i told him that. I cant remember the words i used now, but i remember telling him that I've been dreaming of him lately, but that they weren't sexual dreams, which they weren't. But the way he looked at me when i said that, it was obvious to me he was very flattered. He once again mentioned that his "flesh eats it up" He mentioned it twice in our conversation. Then after that he avoided me like the plague.

You evidently had someplace else to go, didn't you?

Ummm..actually....i didn't.

I am giving them the benefit of the doubt and choose to believe that they felt they were doing the right thing according to Scripture. 

I think in their hearts they did what they "believed" was right. 

This topic interests me, because I'm sure this situation will eventually come up when my daughter and SIL's ministry opens later this year.  It is a ministry for troubled teens who will reside in a group home.

Ohh yeah..because its the kind of thing you'd think...would be a quite common experience. To be made to feel like you committed a sin because of it, i feel, just isn't right. IMO

Oh and thanks all of you for your replies. Its actually helping me a lot!!

[NovemberGirl]

Hey, one more question guys.

And i know you all don't KNOW this, cause you're not the deacon...but did it sound like he was truly flattered/moved by me? ...or was he just telling me (twice) that " his flesh eats it up"....to be nice...?? 

Yet if i didn't effect him at all, would he have avoided me like that afterwards?  Would i have still been asked to leave if i had no effect?

In other words, should i be flattered? lol

[Mr. J]

Just a general observation:  It would seen that getting kicked out of a commune is an overall good thing, regardless of the reason why.

[kensington]

Hey, one more question guys.

And i know you all don't KNOW this, cause you're not the deacon...but did it sound like he was truly flattered/moved by me? ...or was he just telling me (twice) that " his flesh eats it up"....to be nice...?? 

Yet if i didn't effect him at all, would he have avoided me like that afterwards?  Would i have still been asked to leave if i had no effect?

In other words, should i be flattered? lol

No.. you should be thankful that the 26 year old saw that "fleeing from the appearance of evil"... is better than having the admiration of a much younger woman. You were young, and they responsible for teaching many like you, and bringing them to be able to stand in the LORD.. they could not give one inch to even the whisper of something being amiss.  They did the right thing, if the elder didn't give up your secret, you should have kept it too...   You basically told an older man in leadership you were available to him, with out really knowing it. 

I'm sorry.. But, I know men of God who would not stop to pick up a sister in the rain.  They cannot ill afford to have gossip in their ministries when seen by "sister into everyone's business" that he had "A WOMAN IN HIS CAR"... 

I firmly support that.  Having walked this walk a long time and seen men fall for less... He did the right thing. Don't be flattered, but be wise.  It would only be flattery if he returned your admiration, and you have no evidence of that... don't feed into this what is not there. 

[NovemberGirl]

Just a general observation:  It would seen that getting kicked out of a commune is an overall good thing, regardless of the reason why.

Why is it a good thing?
Actually, it was the best thing that happened to me *at the time*.   I had no place to go, and that place was like a refuge for me. The people were wonderful, and the spirit of the Lord was definitely in these people.
But there were things that i didn't agree with....but i still missed the place greatly after i left. It will always hold fond memories for me.
But what exactly did you mean??

No.. you should be thankful that the 26 year old saw that "fleeing from the appearance of evil"... is better than having the admiration of a much younger woman.

I had the appearance of evil?  How so?

And i wasn't THAT young. I wasn't underage...and he was only 7 in a half years older. He had just turned 26 when i moved in. I was hardly a baby. I was more mature for my age...

But i hardly felt thankful when they gave me the boot.  Do you think i thought...wow! cool!  they kicked me out because i liked the deacon! whoo hoo! 


Um...yeah...right.

You basically told an older man in leadership you were available to him, with out really knowing it.

Hmmm...i never thought about it that way.

I'm sorry.. But, I know men of God who would not stop to pick up a sister in the rain.  They cannot ill afford to have gossip in their ministries when seen by "sister into everyone's business" that he had "A WOMAN IN HIS CAR"...

Thats a bit much..if you ask me. 

But with me, no one would have known i liked the deacon. It wasn't obvious to any one else, so there would be no gossip what so ever. I never behaved any differently towards him...before or after i told him. And nobody else even had a clue. So they couldn't have possibly have asked me to leave because of possible outside gossip.

[kensington]

But i hardly felt thankful when they gave me the boot.     Do you think i thought...wow! cool!  they kicked me out because i liked the deacon! whoo hoo!  Clapping up high

No.. I did not speak to what you felt at that time, I spoke to how you must look at it now, from His side. He was a 26 year old man, you a girl of 18. You may not think that is different, but someone who is 26 would. I would... if my 18 year old came home with someone 26.. I would ask them "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING"

Your maturity for your age has nothing to do with it. He was in ministry. You confessed to being attracted to him...  what did you think He was supposed to do... ask you to elope?

AND... NO ONE ...  had to know or gossip for him to do the right thing by the rules, that is what he is called to do... That is called HONOR... "doing the right thing when no one else is looking." In your maturity, when you realized you had a crush that was against the rules, why didn't you leave as to not compromise the rules you agreed to obey when you moved in?  The answer to that "WHY?" is "because you were 18"... but he was 26 and he did what he pledged to do.  He was thinking of the WHOLE picture... it wasn't about you.  He was part of the vision they had, and a crush from and 18 year old was not in it. Do you realize what would happen if a 26 year old man announced to a congregation he was going to marry an 18 year old, out of high school?  Or even date her. The body of Christ is NOT Liberal.  You must think of the implications for a man who wanted to have a ministry. 

If it had been told to even one other person he could have been accused of encouraging you and lost his place in that ministry... it's plain to see that he understood about his commitment to that ministry, and perhaps you still don't.  And evidently it wasn't outside gossip they were worried about. I don't know what they actually required of their deacons, but he did and he chose to stand up to it.  If you fault him for that... you are wrong. 

[kensington]

PS... you said this happened may years ago.. what is "many"?  And why is it pertinent to your walk with the Lord now?  Why are you digging this up and trying to find fault after all this time?   

I'd like to say... if he was a deacon, he was probably seasoned in prayer and in tune with God, and He knew that breaking the rules once you confessed and letting you stay, was to compromise his sincere promise to not do that.  His vow to God was his priority. Maybe God spoke to him and told him to report it. That is not out of the bounds of reality for someone who prays and communes with God daily. God speaks to them.  (Exodus 25:22) 

[NovemberGirl]

No.. I did not speak to what you felt at that time, I spoke to how you must look at it now, from His side. He was a 26 year old man, you a girl of 18. You may not think that is different, but someone who is 26 would. I would... if my 18 year old came home with someone 26.. I would ask them "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING"

Really?  i guess i don't personally think the age difference is all that much..but thats another subject all together..

Your maturity for your age has nothing to do with it. He was in ministry. You confessed to being attracted to him...  what did you think He was supposed to do... ask you to elope?

Lmao! hardly. I actually didn't expect anything. I told him because i felt i needed to "get it out"....because i felt so bad, after telling the elder, that it was hard for me to go on living there with that over my head. So in order to "clear" it from my head, i confessed to the deacon that i liked him.
It wasn't easy for me in the least. It was very embarrassing and awkward, as you can well imagine.
Maybe not the wisest decision, but that was where me being only 18 came in to play. lol

" In your maturity, when you realized you had a crush that was against the rules,

I didn't know having a crush on somebody was against the rules. There was no list of rules they gave me at the beginning of my stay with one of them saying..."thou shall not crush on a brother or sister or take a romantic liking to" ....Nor did anyone ever tell me that in the beginning.

It was more of an unspoken kind of thing. And by living there a while, you kind of get the message that we're only there to learn about the Lord and nothing else. But by then it was too late.

why didn't you leave as to not compromise the rules you agreed to obey when you moved in? 

See above answer.

And do you even know how crazy i was for him?  It wasn't as easy as just turning it on and off. It wasn't just a silly crush. I genuinely just wanted to be with him...to be near him. When feelings are that strong, one can not just turn them off. Maybe you can, but i sure couldn't. I couldn't go into denial and pretend my feelings for him weren't there and repress them.

My instinct was that i just wanted to be around him. Period. It wouldn't make logical sense for me or natural to want to do the opposite.
The last thing i wanted was to be away from him and never see him again, and that was exactly what happened.

The answer to that "WHY?" is "because you were 18"... but he was 26 and he did what he pledged to do.  He was thinking of the WHOLE picture... it wasn't about you.  He was part of the vision they had, and a crush from and 18 year old was not in it. Do you realize what would happen if a 26 year old man announced to a congregation he was going to marry an 18 year old, out of high school?  Or even date her. The body of Christ is NOT Liberal.  You must think of the implications for a man who wanted to have a ministry. 

If it had been told to even one other person he could have been accused of encouraging you and lost his place in that ministry... it's plain to see that he understood about his commitment to that ministry, and perhaps you still don't.  And evidently it wasn't outside gossip they were worried about. I don't know what they actually required of their deacons, but he did and he chose to stand up to it.  If you fault him for that... you are wrong. 

I do not fault him. In fact it made me respect him more. To know that he wanted to please the Lord to that extent is wonderful and endearing to me. In spite of the fact that it was also a source of frustration. lol

PS... you said this happened may years ago.. what is "many"?  And why is it pertinent to your walk with the Lord now?  Why are you digging this up and trying to find fault after all this time?   

A situation came up that caused me to rehash it all. And i am not trying to find fault. Just maybe have a better understanding as to what happened.

I'd like to say... if he was a deacon, he was probably seasoned in prayer and in tune with God, and He knew that breaking the rules once you confessed and letting you stay, was to compromise his sincere promise to not do that.  His vow to God was his priority. Maybe God spoke to him and told him to report it. That is not out of the bounds of reality for someone who prays and communes with God daily. God speaks to them.  (Exodus 25:22) 

Well, it wasn't him that asked me to leave. It was the elder.

[Imabear]

I'm sorry.. But, I know men of God who would not stop to pick up a sister in the rain.  They cannot ill afford to have gossip in their ministries when seen by "sister into everyone's business" that he had "A WOMAN IN HIS CAR"... 

Kens,
Wow, I think it's sad that you would say such a thing.  I hope it's not really true. 
It reminds me of the story of the good Samaritan. 
I think a real man of God should take that risk.
Gossip is a sin.  Slandering someone is a sin.  Even listening to gossip is a sin.
Are the people you know who call themselves Christians really that shallow?
There is something really wrong with us as Christians if this is true.
Or is it the paparazzis that they would have to be concerned about? 

NovemberGirl,
Actually I believe that you were kicked out was because when someone has a crush on another, it cannot be hidden long.  It will come out.  It also can make the 'crushee' feel very uncomfortable, whether he had feelings for you or not.  And since romantic relationships were not allowed.  Someone had to leave.

[NovemberGirl]

NovemberGirl,
Actually I believe that you were kicked out was because when someone has a crush on another, it cannot be hidden long.  It will come out.

Hmmmm...actually i was doing quite a good job of hiding it. I don't feel that would have ever been a problem. I had absolutely no desire to tell anyone and had enough common sense not to tell anyone. It was my little secret. Only God knew.  I never had a problem with acting any differently towards him. I never couldn't control my behavior around him. I didn't give him any special treatment. I didn't talk to him differently. I didn't follow him around. I didn't do anything that one usually does when they have a thing for someone. I was very calm, very mature and had enough common sense.

I was so slick at hiding this, that in the mornings when we all gathered around to say a prayer and sing songs, we would all hold hands in a circle, and i would try my best to stand next to him to hold his hand. lol  But i was extremely careful not to make it look obvious, and that it was just by chance. Sometimes i would succeed and get to hold his hand, other times not.
He never even knew. No one did. 

My stupidity came when the elder came to me one day because he saw i was a bit down, and asked me what was wrong. Then i opened my big mouth and confessed. 


But of course like you were saying, maybe they wouldn't have been able to trust me after that. They probably wern't sure of what i was or was not capable of.

It also can make the 'crushee' feel very uncomfortable, whether he had feelings for you or not.  And since romantic relationships were not allowed.  Someone had to leave.

Yeah, that makes sense. He did seem uncomfortable around me after i told him i liked him. Like i said earlier, he avoided me and stopped talking to me all together.

[kensington]

Kens,
Wow, I think it's sad that you would say such a thing.  I hope it's not really true. 

Yeah... married men in the pulpit have to be that guarded.

I really don't care what judgments people put on these men. They know they are in a place where people want take them down.

The good samaritan was MEN on the ROAD... not a woman in a married man's car.  Yep... it's different.  I'd pick up a woman in the rain, but I am a woman.  I've walked in the rain, it won't hurt you. In fact... it's a pretty neat thing.

And hey... if your wife is with you, pick up all the wet women you can.   A woman walking in the rain is not the same thing as someone who has been robbed, beaten and left for dead.  Give me a break.

and btw... it's absolutely true... I have no reason to lie.   

[Petals]

I understand where Kensington is coming from, and I agree with her.  Billy Graham would NEVER be alone with a woman to give occasion for the adversary to destroy his ministry.  He had people go into hotel rooms before him and make sure no one was hiding in closets or under the beds.  It was not paranoia, but just caution.  The Bible says to abstain from ALL appearance from evil.

The wife of Evangelist Richard Roberts got in trouble because she was seen in her sports car with a younger man.  The devil used that and other things to hinder and destroy their ministry and credibility.   The devil roams about seeking to destroy...remember that.  He also comes as an angel of light, and things that seem innocent at first can be deadly at the last.

It would be interesting to know exactly what the other two men were thinking and experiencing when they made the decision to ask you to leave, NG.   There are always two sides to every story, and it's difficult to understand people's motives without hearing from both parties.   

[zoonance]

I would be kicked out of our congregation if I had a crush on a deacon.

[Imabear]

I know this is off topic, but to continue on...

If I was out stranded somewhere, I'd hope a Christian would stop and help.

I've had complete strangers stop and help me change my flat tire (more than once)

I've had  non-Christians stop and help me when my car broke down beside the road on more than one occasion.

I've had a complete stranger drive me home when I've been out stranded in a heavy snowstorm at midnight.  I have to admit I panicked when I realized the inside door handle was missing... but the guy turned out to be a Christian. 

And I do think the good Samaritan story applies.

Who is my neighbor?  Any one who needs help. 
The religious leaders didn't want to get involved, It might have been dangerous, they might have gotten dirty. 

I see a real parallel.

Zoo, you keep making me 

okay, back to topic.

[mike]

I would be kicked out of our congregation if I had a crush on a deacon.

Now that would be a serious problem!

[NovemberGirl]

It would be interesting to know exactly what the other two men were thinking and experiencing when they made the decision to ask you to leave, NG.   There are always two sides to every story, and it's difficult to understand people's motives without hearing from both parties.   

Yeah, it would have been nice to know. But i guess they didn't see fit to tell me all the details. And it didn't matter to them that i had no place to go. They figured, the Lord will provide.

[Pokhara]

NG, this debate has moved on a long way in the past few days.

Looking over some of the posts, I think some of them were perhaps ill-judged.

I do feel sorry for you, but I do not think that further comment would be helpful.  I repeat that you need to let go of this, and move on.

[Petals]

I would be kicked out of our congregation if I had a crush on a deacon.

  I would hope so!