In the past.......I don't understand.

[tink390]

 ::frown::I don't even know where to begin.  I'm looking everywhere for advice and I'm so lost and confused.  My mind feels like it's going in so many different directions.  I'm confused, heartbroken and a whole lot more.  Ok...I'm having a moment.  Have to go for now.  I'm sorry.

[Jon-Marc]

It's difficult to advise you when you don't say what the problem is.

[tink390]

Ok.  Here I am and I think I'm ready to say what's on my mind.    It's hard  for me but here goes.
   To narrow it down for right now, let's just say my husband has an issue that he's been dealing with for some time now.  I noticed him getting depressed and withdrawn from me and I knew there was something bothering him but I had no clue what it could be.  Anyway, I have spoke my mind and told him that he needed to tell what it was that was bothering him so much because I wasn't a mind reader and I would never guess what is was.  Then one day at work I had texted him to ask him how he was.  He was still the same and it was killing me.  When he told me it was something to do with the past for some reason I automatically knew what it was except I didn't want to have to face the same issue again.  We had talked about it on more than one occasion over a period of years but I thought he had gotten passed it and moved on.  He has no reason to doubt me or no trust me.  I don't think I've ever given him a reason not to.  My gut started churning and I began to feel sick.  Later that evening he opened up to me and told me what it was.  It was exactly what I thought it was.  Back in 1995, we had moved here to Wichita.  My husband had gotten out of the Army and we had to find a place to live.  We settled down in Wichita Falls, TX, close to our family's since they were here.   He had to work two jobs and I was working also.  It was hard on both on us.  I hated it and I got lonely and depressed.  We already had two children.  That summer we took advantage of the swimming pool in the park.  We spent the entire summer at the pool.  I starting talking to this guy who also lived in the park.  He was nice and somebody that I could talk to.  I don't just talk to anyone.  I'm really picky when it comes to people and I also have a social anxiety disorder.  It's never been easy for me to just talk to people.  Not ever.  My husband  never said anything to me about it or aknowledged the fact that it bothered him that I was talking to him.   We went to Houston for our 5th anniversary.  He took me to the Houston space center because I've always been facinated with space.  That is where I got pregnant with our third baby.  Can you see where this is going yet?  This is what is bothering him.  One night when driving home from work my husband pulled into the park entrance and noticed my friend on the phone.  My husband automatically had the gut feeling that we were talking to one another.  He asked me about it and I didn't lie to him.  I told him we were just having general converstation.  My husband understands that he was just a friend but he was jealous.  I didn't think he would get jealous.  Those were not my intentions anyway.  I guess I should have known.
The real issue is ever since all of that and the time I got pregnant with our third baby, my husband thinks that I had sex with this friend of mine.  I didn't and would have never.  It did't ever cross my mind.  I coudn't and wouldn't.  I freaked out when he told me this the very first time he ever told me.  Now he says it still haunts him and every time about this time of year it begins to plague his mind.  It makes me feel horrible and dirty.  It breaks my heart that he could even think like that or would think like that.  We have been talking for several weeks about this and I've been very supportive of him and asking him if he thinks he needs to talk to someone.  Because we are christians, well not just because we are christians, I feel he should lay it at Gods feet and leave it there and never look back.  I know God can heal him and he knows it to, but he's so reluctant.  I don't want this to drive him crazy and I want to help him with it.  At the same time it's making me crazy.  We love each other and we're working through it together.  I really want this to just go away.  I feel like the devil is doing this to us and trying to ruin everything we have worked so hard for these eighteen years.  We are celebrating eighteen years next month on Sept. 22nd.  We are determined to grow old together but I want to grow old being happy with him not miserable letting this always get in the way of everything.  Again, I really feel it's the devil.  I need to pray about it.

[Imabear]

I think you should discuss this with your husband.  Remind him that this is in the past and as long as he keeps bringing it up he is hurting you and the relationship.  It's time for him to let it go. 
Years ago, my husband started accusing me of having an affair with my boss.  Actually, I had a very strong dislike for that boss.  I was working part-time and the boss would call me to find when I could work.  My husband was jealous, and actually became quite nasty about the whole thing.  As it turns out, (I learned later) my husband was cheating on me. (I have read that it is quite common for one spouse to accuse the other of cheating when they themselves are cheating.)
It's a long story but we eventually worked through these problems.
We both avoid bringing up past issues that are hurtful.  If you want to move on, you need to learn from your mistakes, but then forgive and not bring up the past. 
If you have not done so yet, I think you should discuss this with a counselor. 

[Mac]

So, after reading the post, it appears that your husband does not believe you when you said nothing happened...Or, he thinks that this keeps some sort of "cloud" over you and he likes knowing he can control the emotional situation...Please do not get angry at that. I am just trying to figure out how a guy can carry around a open "wound" for 13 years when he was never even "wounded".

You have told your husband that you did not do anything...Has this affected any other part of your relationship? i.e. the emotional bond, physical intimacy, etc....

What w8ing4daybreak posted is true. I have been through it also. People with guilty consciences try to find fault in people to "excuse" what they have done. Maybe the reason he can't get past it is because "he" has something to hide. Just thinking out loud here...

Anyway, he needs to seek some good Christian counseling. Something is definitely wrong. You can't harbor feelings of betrayal and grieve over things that did not happen.

Pray for the Lord's guidance and wisdom in this matter.

By the way, what does he say when you tell him you did not do anything?

You also stated that he does not have a reason to distrust you...Then, why doesn't he trust you?  Has he ever told you why he can't get through this?

I will say a prayer for you...

God bless,
Mac

[tink390]

You know from the very beginning when he first courted me it was absolutely special.  We only knew each other for a short time and later, when I had been a single mom for almost three months, I cried out loud to the Lord for him to bring someone into my life.  For a little while I became impatient with the Lord and try to seek someone on my own.  He sured showed me.  I mean that in a good way.  I knew then there was no way I could do it on my own.  So again, I asked the Lord to forgive me for being selfish and I promised to listen to him from that moment on.  Then one day when I was least expecting it, this guy I had thought about for sometime just happened to walk into my place of buisness.  I was surprised to see him but when I did I got butterflys in my stomach.  Somehow I knew he was the one.  And believe it or not the Lord reached down and pushed me right to the counter where he stood as if to see, follow me.  So I did.  I was extremely nervous.  He began to ask me how I had been.  I told him good.  He then asked me about my little girl.  Then he asked if I was seeing anyone.  I told him no and that the so called relationship between me and my other had been long over for over a year and I was moving on.  The look he than gave me gave me goosebumps.  He smiled back at me and said his goodbye.  Before leaving he turned to me and asked me if I thought I might be interested in going out with anyone.  Meaning him of course.  I jumped out of my shoes and yelled yes immediately.  It was like the Lord picked me up and put those very words into my mouth.  I couldn't believe what I had just said and if I had just made a complete idiot of myself, but I was excited.  Very excited.  He then came back throught the drive through that evening to see how I was doing.  Again he smiled at me and went on his way.  At closing he showed back up yet once more.  This time I couldn't contain myself and begged my boss to let him come in to sit while I finished.  My boss smiled at me and said sure, why not.  As I worked to finish up, he sat patiently waiting on me.  Just smiling and watching my every move.  I could feel him starring at me the whole time.  I was so embarresed.  I talked his head off.  It's the only thing I could do to keep myself from falling over.  My knees were weak and I was shaking.  I couldn't beleive the feelings that I was having for him already.  It was then time to close and he walked me outside and helped me take out the trash.  I felt like Cindarella.  As we both began walking back to the store, we both turned to one another and exchanged numbers.  It was like he knew I was fixing to give him this piece of paper with my number on it.  And he gave me one to.  It was so weird how everything came together.  I felt guided the whole time. Not afraid, but just anxious and really nervous.  A day later we went out on a date to a University to watch a musical performance.  That evening after returning home, we parked outside in the driveway.  We began to talk and share so many things with one another.  I didn't feel nervous then.  I felt comfortable with him and safe.  I felt like I had known him for a long time.  Hours passed and we didn't realize just how long we had been talking.  I was right after that, almost two weeks later and he took me to this little park in town.  It was surrounded by water and very pretty.  We just happended to be the only ones there at the time.  I became nervous again and I had a feeling that something was fixing to happen.  Something big!  As I took a seat on the bench I turned to see him on one knee and he pulled out this little black velvet box.  He then proposed to me.  I cried and said yes. 
The moral of my story is....I'm in love to this day with my husband.  We have always tried to keep the communication lines open.  It's not easy.  You get caught up in life, your children, your job and so forth.  We have been to several marriage retreats in the past and have enjoyed them so much.  We have learned so much about one another over the years.  He's an amazing person.  Always has been.  We have both suffered and gone through a lot of the same things.  We have always known and felt that the Lord brought us together for a reason.  We still believe that.  We have both sruggled like any other married couple.  We are both Christians and we have tried to lead one another and guide each other.  It hasn't always been easy.  But we do talk and yes we both have expressed our feelings about this whole thing.  I understand his feelings and I'm trying hard to be supportive of him.  He says he feels like he's going crazy but I assured him that he is not.  The devil has a way of controling people's minds and making them think their going crazy.  I believe in my husband.  I believe he is hurting in very real way.  We have been taking it day by day and we talk, talk, and talk.  I love him and he's expressed his love for me.  Next month we will be celebrating eighteen years together.  So, this is it.  I really do thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[Mac]

Well, you did not answer any of the questions I asked. Of course, you didn't have to either. But, it appears from what you posted that it is all good.

I will say this, as a person who has helped people in these situations, if you ask for help, you need to be willing to share information with the one you choose to talk to. You came here so shook up, you couldn't post. Came back and reached out for help. Then respond to questions with, "It is all good. We love each other." More or less...

Do not get offended by that, it just seems odd is all. You are under NO oblation to share here.

I hope the Lord blesses your marriage and you find the healing you two need.

God bless,
Mac

[vikkijones]

It sounds like your husband has something to hide and to hold onto it for such a long time is an issue. I'm pretty sure that you've spoken to him over and over about the situation but it gets you no where because he still doesn't believe you and maybe he doesn't want to. I really think that it's something more than what your husband is telling you to make him act like that. Whatever it is, he needs to be honest with you because he is destroying your marriage and I'm not sure if he treats your third child any different than the other two, but if he does that he is doing your child a disservice. Please seek marriage/ family counseling from a pastor or someone who is qualified to counsel and pray like you've never prayed before. I pray that your marriage can sustain your husband's insecurities and that you can celebrate 18 years of marriage and more.  I pray that both of you can look past the differences and build on a relationship that God wants you to have.