Married, Fighting over Religion

[SevenHoundies]

 
Our troubles began after I quit going to a church that my husband and I had been going to about a year. I was put off by their purpose driven theology, and loud terrible repetitive bubble gum music which didn't seem reverant to God, only entertaining to man. In fact, the whole thing was all about entertainment and appealing to man. We had been to a few other Christian churches and denominations and never could agree which one to stay with. He would voice some things he didn't buy into and I had things I didn't buy into. So when I told him I didn't want to go to this church anymore, we agreed to go to seperate churches. I began attending a conservative Baptist Church. It wasn't long and the trouble began, as those in this church were making a big deal over him and he turned into a self righteous bobble head. He became too "spiritual for the TV, criticized me when I was watching TV, claiming my heart had grown cold to the garbage on TV. My dog figurine collection "might be idols". He did  not appreciate my saying that perhaps his gun collection and deer heads on the wall were idols, so lets get rid of those too.  He gave up sex for a few months to get closer to Jesus! That didn't work, all he thought about was sex, and he brought him no closer to Jesus. We started having long heated "discussions" about the weird things these people were filling his head with, but he claimed he loved these people, when he never had in any other church. Too me, the answer to this was obvious. They were making a big deal over, telling him what a wonderful spiritual person he was, and giving him a scapegoat for his insecurities, me. I knew they considered me a problem because I was not attending this "church".
WHO wouldn't love all that attention and pandering?  They walked on water and whatever they came up with was wonderful, who cares if it was laced with new age garbage.  After much fighting, he decided to stop going to this "church" and attend the Baptist Church with me. When members of this "church" found out, they wanted to come right over and pray over us, when I knew in reality, they were coming over to pray over ME, as I hadn't bought into their brand of Christianity. My husband told them not to come over, as I had told them, these people were a cult. Its been about a year and I  thought the whole thing was over, but then he stated playing passive aggressive games like refusing to partake in The Lord's Supper. When I finally asked him why, he said he was supposedly not right with God and it was my fault. It was my fault because I would not pray with him.  I am a very private person and the thought of being forced to pray with someone, even my husband makes me want to crawl back into my shell. It gives me almost a panic attack. I realize a lot of couples pray together and that's fine and wonderful for them.
So everytime The Lord's Supper happens at church, I cringe, because I know he is blaming me.  He claims he is not mad that he is not going to the PD church, but I do not believe him. When the Baptist pastor asked him if he wanted to join the church, my husband refused, citing "issues". The pastor did not know what he meant, but I knew, the "issues" is me. So my husband is refusing The Lord's Supper, refusing to become a member and refusing to tithe. And its all my fault according to his twisted thinking. Needless to say, these games have made me very angry, but I have been gritting my teeth and saying nothing because I am sick and tired of arguing, going around and round in circles about religion. My husband has always had some kind of insecurity issue since way before I knew him, he tried talking to the people at the very first church he attended, back in his twenties and they could not help him.  NOW, the purpose driven cult has given him a scapegoat for his insecurties, me.  I am wondering how long I can control my anger and yes disappointment in my husband. I have lost a lot fo respect for him and all he's done by playing these games is push me further and further away from him.We have been married over 20 years and never had any trouble till this. I am almost at the point where I am going to quit going to church and tell him to go back to his cult of "wonderful" people and "band of brothers" led by a three times married man. Even this men's group seems to be nothing but trouble, as my husband started immitating the leader and coming home with disclaimer phrases like, "gee, I was just throwing it out there" when I called him on his little digs at me, behavior that he never engaged in before.
I wonder if this marriage is going to survive. Friends tell me that he has to work out this out himself and to pray for him. I have my doubts. In his mindset, ITS ALL SUPPOSEDLY ME FAULT.  I've been tempted to tell him that too bad I am not dead, then he'd be back to square one, he'd have to find a new scapegoat.  Sometimes I am so angry, I am half tempted to put a bullet in my head just to get back at him. I know that sounds extreme and definitely immoral, but I will not deny the thought hasn't occured to me several times.

[stevehut]

What's wrong with a purpose-driven ideology?   

[johntwayne]

I don't know what kind of advice you need, but I wanted you to know I read what you wrote and that I prayed for you and your husband that God's will might prevail. I wish I could tell you what that will is for your particular situation, but I know God can tell you in His own way and I trust Him to do that.

[SevenHoundies]

Regarding "What's wrong with The Purpose Driven ideology".
It's a FAD that has infected a lot of churches.

This church that my husband was involved in caused a church split.
A couple of guys read the PD books and decided they had a better way.
They tried to get their Baptist Church to buy into it, when they refused,
they started meeting in a small group in thier homes. Gradually part of the original
Baptist Church's members left to follow this small group and over time the group grew and they started their own church. Result, a church split, not a fast one, like most, but a gradual split.  People being what  they are wanted to be with their clickes.

We are to be Spirit led, in sharp contrast to "driven" which in the Bible, driven is associated with punishment.

The Purpose Driven ideology is basially a humanistic, psychological view of how to manipulate people, how to create good results by manipulating people and calling it God's work. It is a clever marketing scheme that in many churches that embrace this, The PD books take precedence over The Bible. Many have even taken the cross out of the sanctuary, because the cross is offensive to sinful man. And we sure don't want to offend anyone! People aren't interested in hearing they are sinners and need to repent. The PD theology is all about feeling good about one's self and bringing God down to man's level. So now people can go to church for a good time, be entertained and have all kinds of new friends telling them how wonderful they are. I can see now why Jesus will tell many " I never knew you" even though they did great works in His Name.

One of the wackier things I saw was the SHAPE purpose driven theory. One is supposed to figure out what one's SHAPE is and from there determine what your purpose, purpose, purpose is.
A lot of globbily gook. Finding your SHAPE has no Biblical support.
It a lot of pyscho babble. By focusing on assessing and developing one's personality as the key to a successful life or ministry, PD followers promote a reliance on one's inner self instead of on God's truth and the working of The Holy Spirit.

Goes back to humanism. It is also a great ego booster and results in self righteous
attitudes.


Christians must acknowledge the Bible as the only Book needed to understand THE HUMAN CONDITION, WHICH IS SIN.

Wasting several hours determining what one's personality SHAPE is just foolishness.

The Purpose Driven line of products has become a substitute for God's Word.

Apparently His Word is no longer sufficient.


Getting back to our marriage situation, I did not say anything to my husband until he turned into a self righteous jerk. He was making a lot of new "friends".
But even those "friends" in the end were as phony as the PD gospel. He was getting all kinds of phone calls because he was running himself into the ground for those people. He claimed he was doing it for Jesus. I 've seen a lot of people claim that, when in reality Jesus has nothing to do with it, its all about that particular person's ego.
Once my husband left, those friends ceased to call. He was no longer useful to them.
Which is sad, because my husband thinks he loves them.

So its right back to being all my fault.   He claims he's not mad, but I'm not buying it. He is lying to me and himself. Thus the games with The Lord's Supper, refusing to join the church we are going to, and refusing to tithe. Who knows what game will be next?
How long I can keep my cool and sanity is up for debate.

[p.progress]

Yhe question posed: "What's wrong with the PD ideology?" is missing the serious issues at hand. What is right with this ideology might take less time to answer. My two word oversimplistic answer is: precious little. Let that be debated elsewhere.

Dear sister, I say that sincerely and caringly - not to sound or appear 'spiritual' here. I do consider women that profess Christ and have some form of zeal, as it is apparent you are trying to maintain in the insanity you have found yourself invloved. Please continue to maintain your repulsion for those things that fall short of the truth. But do so while maintaining...I'll tenderly say here, strengthen your spirit with gentleness and a single-eyed forcus on the eternal issues at hand and see your husband from the vantage point of eternity itself.

There are so, so, so very many pitfalls we are all subject in our ignorances and our immaturity that we are vulnerability to. This is certainly aspecially so, when we have not as yet become alert to...let me say it this way: Until we have been alerted to, identified, understood the dangers of continuing, walking in our ignorances and immaturities, that stem from our lack of understanding, appreciation and active and effectively crucifying our flesh; we will continue to remain vulnerable to the alurements of the flesh that false teachers know very well to use in 'hooking' us BY our ignorances and fleshly lusts.

If what you say is correct and I can only go on what you are relating here in this post...but I take it you are not lying or trying to consciencely withold anything: YOu have a husband that has yet to learn these things. And not that you are not laboring under unresolved issues, but you are not willing to be 'duped' into swallowing and following that which you have a sense is off-center (to put it mildly).

Need to go here. But to say something to encourage and direct your heart and mind.

I know that your husband has hurt you, it is evident you don't respect him now and do not trust his judgment. It would appear you have some good reasons for this - naturally speaking that is.

But can I encourage you to somehow retire from the battle in a matter of speaking.

Think of the candle whose oil or wax has been just about spent...or fully spent (used up). Without the oil saturating and clothing the wick, the wick itself will begin to burn, rather than the oil burn around it, and wick remain merely the medium for this process. You are the wick of course, so before you burn out completely, that is, become too, too "weary of welldoing" (to whatever extent you are doing well), "Come away awhile.", as Christ said to the disciples; come away and refresh yourself in the Lord himself.

The Word of God - without being twisted to mean what men of our times wish to reinvent as - IS a great source of Divine refreshment, food, water, bread, wine, meat and fruit to be eaten! Come away (perhaps early in the morning or when you can) and pour out your hear to God, ask him to feed you, heal you and strengthen you and give you the  grace for the day of ahead of you, to do his good will and pleasure!

Read the psalms, sing them ot God. Read the wisdom of Peter and Paul for wives. Bye

[Mac]

What's wrong with a purpose-driven ideology?   

Stevehut,

Here is a link to a good article about that subject.
http://www.biblebb.com/files/tonyqa/tc03-148.htm

Although a church I attended did this program, I never really got into what it was about. And just FYI, the church I attended is about to go bankrupt. This church went from no debt, to almost 20 million in debt...All after doing this "program". They offered the "Purpose Driven Life" classes as well to the members. For a fee of course. Watching the terrible financial decisions being made and the arrogance of the ever growing (in numbers) staff is what led the Lord to lead many of us away from the congregation. My current pastor made a pointed remark one day that we were going to do things "God's way" and that we would be a "Scriptural backed fellowship, not any Purpose Driven stuff". So, some have issues with it. And after reading about it, we all should have a problem with it. It is just another "feel good" doctrine about success and God loves everybody no matter what.

You can do a search on your own on google and literally thousands of items are available.

[HRoberson]

We need some boundaries.

Find a good, licensed (not nouthetic) Christian counselor and have them help you, and the two of you through this quagmire.

[stevehut]

Although a church I attended did this program, I never really got into what it was about. And just FYI, the church I attended is about to go bankrupt. This church went from no debt, to almost 20 million in debt...

Seems to me this isn't the fault of the PD doctrine.  If these people went off the deep end, that's their own lunacy.

[vikkijones]

I am really sorry to hear about your relationship with your husband and I pray that the 20 years of marriage will not be destroyed by Satan. Because that's what Satan is doing...trying to destroy what God has put in place. Don't let Satan be the drive the pushes you and your husband apart, don't let him win. I know that you are tired of arguing and fighting and maybe at a point where you feel like giving up....but please don't. God puts us through the fire because he wants us to call on him, use him as a support, as a comforter and use your situation as a testimony to others. Remember that God has a plan for you, for your husband and a plan for the both of you as man a wife and he will not put more on you than you can bear.