Is anyone there? Don't know anymore!

[cristals mama]

If anyone is out there?  I was feeling so good and confident for a change the past few days, I had my plans all set to move my daughter and I back to NJ to begin a new life, my husband was letting us go without trouble and even said he would send money each month for us.  My father (although not the best nicest person) said he would help me get a truck to move with a couple of weeks ago while I was at the shelter but wanted me to plan for it to happen a week or two instead of just rushing out overnight and let him know the details, so I did.

I planned and set everything, booked the truck, notice has been given where we are living now and boxes are packed.  I left 4 messages and 2 emails for my father who did not contact me back, this morning I talked to my mom who said my father left her a message that I called him about coming home and that he sounded like he didn't want me to that he said "it wouldn't be a good idea".  I called and left him another message asking why he could talk to everyone else about me but not call me back himself and noted that I made the plans 'he' told me to ...  this is the response I got in email:

>Hi Kim - Didn't get back sooner.  Needed time to think about this more and discuss the implications with Mom.

You haven't done anything to make me mad.

In any case, however, planning an immediate move and renting a van is too abrupt, unexpected, and probably way too soon for you as well.   

What began as a request for some financial help for you to come up by train and spend a few days to a week, visiting with mom and family, has suddenly escalated into your planning for a permanent move to NJ.   

As I indicated in our last discussion, we're not really ready for anything like this, especially if you expect to start with a move into Lincroft.

We really don't want anyone staying at or bringing furniture into Lincroft.  The offer to you was made for a very brief stay was made because it sounded like you were in a dire crises mode, being hurt or physically threatened by John, and would be prevented from the right to ever come to New Jersey before a setrtlement if John arranged to prevent it.   There was no intention for you to move in except for that very short-term emergency.   Neither Walter or Michelle have been permited to move into Lincroft (and both have wanted to).   The house needs repairs and upgrades, has some issues, and is also far too expensive for mom or me to continue keeping it - it is being prepared for sale and nothing should interfere with that.

I know you're anxious to return to NJ, but any move to NJ should be delayed until you can arrange to clear up your future financial picture and be able to arrange another place to move into.   At this point, plans to guarantee future income and ability to support yourself and Cristral are unclear.  You need to make arrangements to guarantee child support, alimony, and also set yourself up for some type of regular employment that provides a decent enough income to sustain you.   

It would be a lot more desirable to get legal commitments on the support and possibly a local job to get you back in the job market.  Some kind of tele-marketing or customer-service job that you can do from home, or work at a day-care center that provides a discount for Cristal, or an evening and weekend job while John watches Cristal could make sense.    If John is agreeable to a divorce, it can probably be accomplished a lot more cheaply for both of you and be done quickly.   

I know you want to move quickly and we're very sorry to disappoint you, but we both feel that you need to delay any planned move until sometime next year when you can be in a better situation. 

In the meantime, you might think again about coming up to visit for a few days' to a  week visit as you originally had in mind.  Would be wonderful to see you and Cristal again, especially if it's around the year-end holidays.  If you find a good round-trip rate for you and Cristal on Amtrak or fairly cheap round-trip flights, I can buy tickets for you.   Let me know.   In the meantime, use the money I sent as a reserve or for special needs.

Love.....

   Dad<


Now he is saying that nobody wants me to come home and I should just come for a visit!  I have gone through this junk with my husband for all these years and asked him for help over a year and a half ago and he denied me, now he tells me to plan and let him know what he needs to do, so I do exactly that only to have him say I am not welcome but I should come for a visit instead.  Even if I now knew what to do (which I don't again), why would I want to even visit anyone who says they don't want me there or even their own granddaughter!  He even had the nerve to say that when I went to the shelter he was only planning on us (my daughter and I) going to NJ for a week or so and then going back to FL, but yet he criticised me for not staying at the shelter longer.

I am so confused and feel more lost and alone then ever!  Now I will have no choice but to stay with my husband and this time he will know he can get away with whatever he wants to because we have no one else!  I have a husband who is unstable and a family that apparently doesn't want me and nowhere else to go 

[zoonance]

I have no words.   

[HRoberson]

It isn't that they don't want you - or your child.

What they don't want is an adult daughter and child living with them for an undetermined period of time - with no plan, no method of supporting herself and her kid. Since you have been gone, their lives have changed, their routines are different. For all I know they now run around nekid - and don't want to change that.

The old saying, "you can't go home again," has a flip side "once you're gone, we'd really like you to make it without coming back." Not all parents wait with anticipation for the day their adult children move back in with them. That may seem a bit harsh, but parents are people with their own dreams and desires for the days after the kids leave the nest.

Perhaps the trip to visit and discuss a permanent move with them would in fact be best. Take a plan with you; while you're there apply for jobs and canvas apartment rates; ask your parents to help with a move and set-up budget.

Let them know you're not planning on moving in permanently or indefinitely, and they may change their tune - maybe. They may still want to run around nekid.

[Serenity432001]

Hey Kim

I see you're on that roller coaster.  What a trip huh?  But, just remember God is with you through the whole ride, even when it might not seem like it.  Maybe, it is a good thing you're dad doesn't just "jump for joy" that you're coming home so it will help you become more and more independent.  I know right now you really want his support and love and maybe it is there but just not exactly what you'd like.

I like the go for a visit idea and have a plan.  It is good to let him know that you don't want to stay there forever either.  Do you have plans to work?  If he sees you activiley trying to get back on your feet, then, maybe he'll be more willing to work with you. 

Do remember that God is in control and He will see you through this.  It probably won't be what you're expecting but when you stick with God He can and will truly amaze you.

[cristals mama]

It isn't that they don't want you - or your child.

What they don't want is an adult daughter and child living with them for an undetermined period of time - with no plan, no method of supporting herself and her kid. Since you have been gone, their lives have changed, their routines are different. For all I know they now run around nekid - and don't want to change that.

The old saying, "you can't go home again," has a flip side "once you're gone, we'd really like you to make it without coming back." Not all parents wait with anticipation for the day their adult children move back in with them. That may seem a bit harsh, but parents are people with their own dreams and desires for the days after the kids leave the nest.

Perhaps the trip to visit and discuss a permanent move with them would in fact be best. Take a plan with you; while you're there apply for jobs and canvas apartment rates; ask your parents to help with a move and set-up budget.

Let them know you're not planning on moving in permanently or indefinitely, and they may change their tune - maybe. They may still want to run around nekid.

This discussion had been going on for a while and my father agreed to help me, I did have a plan but cannot put it into action from FL which is why I was willing to live in the house which is run down, so that I can start my plan to become independent which I disussed with him.  Also my father doesn't even live in that house, he hasn't for over 20 years since he cheated on my mom (he had been doing so for apparently several years before that) and left.  My mother has lived there and lives only on his pension because he doesn't and hasn't paid her any alimony in the same 20+ years (his lawyer and hers turned out to be friends and really took her for a ride) and he also took a 2nd mortgage on the house approx. 18 years ago that was supposed to be used to fix it up and sell it (with my mom receiving part of the selling price) but instead he kept the money and never had a thing repaired and now the house is in such bad shape that it cannot be sold, however he still likes to throw around the I am going to sell the house line (I've heard that one since I was 18 years old!).

So my mom has been living in this house which is not in great condition off of limited funds, while my father lives in a beautiful condo and drives a new Cadillac and just purchased a new 60 ft boat, yet he still tries to bully my mom and tells her she has to move out all of the time.  My plan was to move up there, get on my feet asap and perhaps talk my mom into sharing an apt. with my daughter and I.

The fact of the matter is that my father is a greedy selfish person, he has been my whole life- he is doing quite well, has been for some time now but he leaves my mother to fend for herself and still isn't even close to behaving like or resembling a loving caring father in mine (I've felt that from him since I was very very young) and that is where this comes from, no place else.  During my entire childhood I never heard the words I love you or even received a hug one time from either of my parents and that is what my family learned themselves, when I was a teenager and 1st attended a Christian church I remember someone tried to hug me and it was such a shocking concept to me that I almost hit them.  I have struggled to be different from the time I first realized what they were like and could choose for myself!

When you give your word to someone, you should keep it!  I can only pray that for one my daughter never finds herself in a marriage or situation such as mine has been, but if she does or she ever needs me to be there for any reason, that I will not be in any way like my own family but instead I will be there for her even if she is 80.

[cristals mama]

Hey Kim

I see you're on that roller coaster.  What a trip huh?  But, just remember God is with you through the whole ride, even when it might not seem like it.  Maybe, it is a good thing you're dad doesn't just "jump for joy" that you're coming home so it will help you become more and more independent.  I know right now you really want his support and love and maybe it is there but just not exactly what you'd like.

I like the go for a visit idea and have a plan.  It is good to let him know that you don't want to stay there forever either.  Do you have plans to work?  If he sees you activiley trying to get back on your feet, then, maybe he'll be more willing to work with you. 

Do remember that God is in control and He will see you through this.  It probably won't be what you're expecting but when you stick with God He can and will truly amaze you.

Hi Serenity,
Really I don't want or expect my father's love, I haven't for a very long time now so I really shouldn't have been surprised I guess.  I did however expect that he would at least help me and keep his word about it, but again based on history I probably should not have been shocked at all like I was.  I think I finally just thought that after years of living in anguish, my life was finally showing some promise of hope.

I have already let him know several times and in several ways about not wanting to stay forever, so a visit to do that will not make a difference.  I cannot go there and begin all these things just to have to go back to my husband with no progress or hope, that will just make things worse.  If I am going to begin working on my independence I must 1st know that I have shelter for myself and my daughter, otherwise I just might as well stay where I am.  This was my only avenue to get my foot in the door, if there was another way believe me the last person I would have ever gone to would be my father.

I have felt enough rejecton by my family my whole entire life already, I have no wish to just go for a visit now knowing that once again they are all bad mouthing me and apparently don't want me there!  I spent years waking up from sleep in tears over dreams I would have about my family casting me off and mistreating me, over the years I cannot tell you how many phone calls I would get from this one and that one just so they could tell me who was talking about me and what unkind things they were saying.  So believe me, the last thing I had was plans to go there and stay with any of them permanently-  all I wanted was a place to manuever from and build a happy life for my little girl.

My love and trust in God has not and will not waiver, however now I must change everything I have planned and thought about our future and instead stay where I am with my husband and attempt to make the best of things.

I must go for now because I am losing control of my emotions-  I guess I am just still way too naive expecting behavior from other that will never happen.  I just still find it so horribly surprising that this world is so full of ugly things when it is just so easy to choose to love!  Instead I will do my best too look to and lean on my real Father, the only one who has always been there for me!

[cristals mama]

Just as an FYI, this was my email response to my father:

>>I went to the shelter and you told me it was too immediate but that I should make a plan over a week or so but that you would help me get a truck or what I need to move.  Then we spoke a week and a half ago and I discussed moving there in Oct. (the plan you told me to make) and you told me to let you know when I have the details!  This is the details:  my truck is booked, notice has been given at the house here and we must leave by 10/31,  John has agreed to let us go without any trouble and will be giving me money each month to take care of us.  I am not planning on living in that house for too long (who would want to) and wanted to come to NJ so that I can work on creating a new life for myself and your granddaughter (whom you should love and be thrilled to have close to you).  I am planning on finding a job and a new place to live but cannot do that until I am there already!

So now after all of this you tell me that it is too soon for you (don't say its too soon for me, I asked you for this help a year and a half ago and you denied me then!).  You tell me to plan and then when I plan you have another reason, Mom told me last month that you were looking forward to my moving home, she must have misunderstood or something because instead you tell me you don't want me to come back.  Thank you, that makes me feel loved!   And nothing "suddenly escalated", I discussed exactly what I wanted and planned directly with you and you agreed to it even though you did it in a not so nice way!  Also I don't know who the "we're not ready" is because Mom told me she wants me to come home and she said Michelle and Wally do to- so who is not telling the truth?

I cannot believe this, I try to go to my family to find a way to make things better for my daughter and get treated like an unwelcome alien!  Don't worry Dad I don't want to live off of you at all and I don't want to live in your house for too long, I just wanted to get into a position and a place that I could work and maneuver from but thanks for turning your back to me once again when I finally do all the work here to make it able to happen!  I couldn't possibly want to come up for a visit with the granddaughter you obviously don't care too much for, I already feel rejected now!

So now I do not know what to do, because I have a truck reserved and things in boxes and nowhere to go.<<

[sopranette]

I feel sorry for Cristal,too, in the middle of all this.

love,

Sopranette