Do any of you have 'boundaries' set in your marriage.

[chosenone]

Marriage is under such attack these days, and I have heard of so many marriages that have fallen due to one spouse meeting someone else. Many of these situations could maybe have been avoided if certain boundaries had been in place. For example, never going out to eat with a member of the oppostie sex, never travelling to a work conference or similar with a man/ woman other that your spouse, not being alone with someone of the oposite sex, not ever telling someone anything bad about your marriage partner or talking about any personal  issues with someone of the opposite sex, never counselling anyone without someone else being there etc etc.
Do any of you have boundaries in place.?

We dont have specific boundaries but my hubby is always very strict with himself about such things, and we certainly would never eat out with anyone other than each other or a family member, or travel long distance alone with someone of the opposite sex.
Some may think these things too restrictive, some may have even stricter boundaries, but I know of several marriages that have been broken by someone doing such things and especially meeting someone at work and getting too close to them emotionally to start with.  In fact I know of five people in my family and my husbands families alone where one partner met someone at work and didnt have boundaries and they ended up having an affair.

Christian marriages in particular are under attack and Satan will use anyone or anything to come btweeen a husband and wife (even another Christain) It often happens in church also, as I expect most of us know. 

[Imabear]

Good points.  I have been guilty of complaining to someone of the opposite sex about hubby, and the next thing I know these guys are putting the move on me... flirting... etc.  I put an abrupt end to that.  I've learned I have to be careful about that. 

[sopranette]

Marriage is under such attack these days, and I have heard of so many marriages that have fallen due to one spouse meeting someone else. Many of these situations could maybe have been avoided if certain boundaries had been in place. For example, never going out to eat with a member of the oppostie sex, never travelling to a work conference or similar with a man/ woman other that your spouse, not being alone with someone of the oposite sex, not ever telling someone anything bad about your marriage partner or talking about any personal  issues with someone of the opposite sex, never counselling anyone without someone else being there etc etc.
Do any of you have boundaries in place.?

We dont have specific boundaries but my hubby is always very strict with himself about such things, and we certainly would never eat out with anyone other than each other or a family member, or travel long distance alone with someone of the opposite sex.
Some may think these things too restrictive, some may have even stricter boundaries, but I know of several marriages that have been broken by someone doing such things and especially meeting someone at work and getting too close to them emotionally to start with.  In fact I know of five people in my family and my husbands families alone where one partner met someone at work and didnt have boundaries and they ended up having an affair.

Christian marriages in particular are under attack and Satan will use anyone or anything to come btweeen a husband and wife (even another Christain) It often happens in church also, as I expect most of us know. 

I agree with all of these boundaries.  There just leaves no room for doubt by either your spouse or neighbors that nothing unseemly is going on.  I had a pastor that would never go to a female member's house no matter what her age, when he knew she would be alone, without a couple deacons with him.  A small town like this, rumors spread like wildfire.

love,

Sopranette

[chosenone]

Marriage is under such attack these days, and I have heard of so many marriages that have fallen due to one spouse meeting someone else. Many of these situations could maybe have been avoided if certain boundaries had been in place. For example, never going out to eat with a member of the oppostie sex, never travelling to a work conference or similar with a man/ woman other that your spouse, not being alone with someone of the oposite sex, not ever telling someone anything bad about your marriage partner or talking about any personal  issues with someone of the opposite sex, never counselling anyone without someone else being there etc etc.
Do any of you have boundaries in place.?

We dont have specific boundaries but my hubby is always very strict with himself about such things, and we certainly would never eat out with anyone other than each other or a family member, or travel long distance alone with someone of the opposite sex.
Some may think these things too restrictive, some may have even stricter boundaries, but I know of several marriages that have been broken by someone doing such things and especially meeting someone at work and getting too close to them emotionally to start with.  In fact I know of five people in my family and my husbands families alone where one partner met someone at work and didnt have boundaries and they ended up having an affair.

Christian marriages in particular are under attack and Satan will use anyone or anything to come btweeen a husband and wife (even another Christain) It often happens in church also, as I expect most of us know. 

I agree with all of these boundaries.  There just leaves no room for doubt by either your spouse or neighbors that nothing unseemly is going on.  I had a pastor that would never go to a female member's house no matter what her age, when he knew she would be alone, without a couple deacons with him.  A small town like this, rumors spread like wildfire.

love,

Sopranette

Yes I think that is probably a good policy for a pastor not to meet with or counsellany one of the same sex without someone else there. Billy Graham had a policy of never seeing another women alone, and his marriage survived and I am sure that Satan would have loved a big name like him to have fallen.

We have probably all heard of pastors or others in churches, who have either counselled someone or spent too much time alone with someone and ended up havingan affair and leaving their wife and family. it can creep up without anyone noticing, and often people in leadership can be targets for someone who is lonely or even someone wanting to cause disruption. We have to be just as careful ina  church as outside with these things.

Another boundary I have also heard of was  from awomen at work who always kept her office door open if she ever had a meeting with a man alone..a very good policy I think.

[Charles Sloan]

For example, never going out to eat with a member of the oppostie sex, never travelling to a work conference or similar with a man/ woman other that your spouse, not being alone with someone of the oposite sex, not ever telling someone anything bad about your marriage partner or talking about any personal  issues with someone of the opposite sex, never counselling anyone without someone else being there etc etc.

I just consider the things you mentioned as a given. But mostly my boundaries are if I wouldn't want my wife to so something, I won't do it myself. This philosophy hasn't failed me yet, so that is how I consider my actions. Time to time I do those momentary lapse of reason things like a few weeks ago a pretty young girl smiles and waves at me and I instinctively smiled and waved back right before my wife backhands me. Not a good idea when your wife is sitting right next to you in the car...

[HRoberson]

Marriage is under such attack these days, and I have heard of so many marriages that have fallen due to one spouse meeting someone else. Many of these situations could maybe have been avoided if certain boundaries had been in place. For example, never going out to eat with a member of the oppostie sex, never travelling to a work conference or similar with a man/ woman other that your spouse, not being alone with someone of the oposite sex, not ever telling someone anything bad about your marriage partner or talking about any personal  issues with someone of the opposite sex, never counselling anyone without someone else being there etc etc.
Do any of you have boundaries in place.?

We dont have specific boundaries but my hubby is always very strict with himself about such things, and we certainly would never eat out with anyone other than each other or a family member, or travel long distance alone with someone of the opposite sex.
Some may think these things too restrictive, some may have even stricter boundaries, but I know of several marriages that have been broken by someone doing such things and especially meeting someone at work and getting too close to them emotionally to start with.  In fact I know of five people in my family and my husbands families alone where one partner met someone at work and didnt have boundaries and they ended up having an affair.

Christian marriages in particular are under attack and Satan will use anyone or anything to come btweeen a husband and wife (even another Christain) It often happens in church also, as I expect most of us know. 

1. We always speak positively about one another
2. We do not eat out with a person of the opposite gender unless there are more than two people present
3. We do not have sex with people other than our partner

Before the kids left home....
4. We do not agree to something without asking "what did your father say?"
5. We discuss major discipline issues
6. We discussed dating ages
7. We discussed curfew hours

[Howdyboyalan]

I think it depends on the people.

I have private pilots license. So whenever anyone male/female would want to come up and contribute to the cost I would take them, that would involve me being alone with a girl other than my girlfriend (Like a long car drive). That's what I see as 'proffesional' though.

Like, the wife of a doctor has to accept they will so members of the opposite sex naked. I think it depends on the people, one can't take anything as a given, as their spouse might not feel the same way. I think people should sit down and say what they are and are not comfortable with their partner without seeming constrictive.

[leeford]

Those were really good suggestions. Boundaries, if agreed upon sound like protection against an affair. But I'm wondering what should be done when one spouse doesn't agree to a boundary that's important to the other. Who is supposed to give in?

[chosenone]

Those were really good suggestions. Boundaries, if agreed upon sound like protection against an affair. But I'm wondering what should be done when one spouse doesn't agree to a boundary that's important to the other. Who is supposed to give in?

That a hard one. I guess it depends on what it is?if for example one says that neither should eat alone with a member of the opposite sex, and the other disagrees, I would wonder why they did diagree for such a basic sensible boundary, but if one was wanting a  boundary that was very unreasonable then maybe they need to think again. 

[chosenone]

Also I wonder if there should be more sensible boundaries in churches. I dont know about any of you guys but I have heard of many having affairs in churches, both with leaders and with the rest of us who arent in leadership.
I dont think it is advisable for anyone to counsel or speak in depth about anything to someone of the opposite sex if one or both are married, or in a relationship with someone else. Also church 'jobs' can be a source of temptation if two people are working at something when one or both are married to someone else, if this involved spending time alone together. This can happen a lot and gives room for possible intimacy between 2 people, that should only be  between a husband and wife.

[memmy]

Wow, I don't know. I guess I just took my vows at age 18 pretty seriously. I hope I would not find myself in a position as some of these instances, but I suppose anything can happen since we live in the "world".

I just don't think I would ever break my vows that easily, even though sometimes we can get frustrated with our spouses, we did take a vow, remember?

And I am certainly not even close to being perfect. I just really took my marriage vows very seriously.

[avenger]

Marriage is under such attack these days, and I have heard of so many marriages that have fallen due to one spouse meeting someone else. Many of these situations could maybe have been avoided if certain boundaries had been in place. For example, never going out to eat with a member of the oppostie sex, never travelling to a work conference or similar with a man/ woman other that your spouse, not being alone with someone of the oposite sex, not ever telling someone anything bad about your marriage partner or talking about any personal  issues with someone of the opposite sex, never counselling anyone without someone else being there etc etc.
Do any of you have boundaries in place.?

We dont have specific boundaries but my hubby is always very strict with himself about such things, and we certainly would never eat out with anyone other than each other or a family member, or travel long distance alone with someone of the opposite sex.
Some may think these things too restrictive, some may have even stricter boundaries, but I know of several marriages that have been broken by someone doing such things and especially meeting someone at work and getting too close to them emotionally to start with.  In fact I know of five people in my family and my husbands families alone where one partner met someone at work and didnt have boundaries and they ended up having an affair.

Christian marriages in particular are under attack and Satan will use anyone or anything to come btweeen a husband and wife (even another Christain) It often happens in church also, as I expect most of us know. 

I agree with all the things you have said.  We tell our kids constantly that if you don't put yourself in risky situations your chances of faultering and/or making mistakes goes way down.
This is a very good subject, thanks for posting it.  We might be surprised at the number of people who have never thought about the potentially dangerous situations that they innocently put themselves in.

Avenger

[chosenone]

Wow, I don't know. I guess I just took my vows at age 18 pretty seriously. I hope I would not find myself in a position as some of these instances, but I suppose anything can happen since we live in the "world".

I just don't think I would ever break my vows that easily, even though sometimes we can get frustrated with our spouses, we did take a vow, remember?

And I am certainly not even close to being perfect. I just really took my marriage vows very seriously.

yes I also take my vows seriously, but so did many others who have since fallen. Its just that I know so many mariages that have ended with divorce through one spouse havng an affair with either someone at work , at church, or somewhere else. Most were becuase there were no boundaries, although of course if people really want to, they could break the boundaries, but if both spouses really want to stick to their vows then they will keep to the boundaries. I guess that many of those who have affairs never started out intending to do so.

Unfaithfulness is endemic now sadly and even among Christians it seems to happen so much. It is often between those who work closely together, as in the case of a church that my husband used to go to where the assisstant pastor ran off with his secretary, and in another case I know of where a baptist pastor left his wife for a women he had been counselling.
I suppose that boundaries will nip these relationships in the bud, before that ever have the chance to develop into something else.

Having said this we dont actually have many stated boundaries but my husband is very strict about what he does and what he looks at and also with the way he acts with other women, and he has his own self imposed strict boundaries. This is why he was never unfaithful even in the 23 years of his first marriage even though it wasnt a very happy one for him. Unfortunately his wife had no such boundaries and she met someone at work (a non Christian)and had an affair.
Her relationship with this man started with e=mailing as they worked in different offices a distance apart, so they actually had to physically meet up as they had never met until after they had been e-mailing for a while. Many boundaries broken there I think..
It all ended badly for her and they broke up some time later.

I have my own boundaries also such as not spending time alone with another man, and I would NEVER dream of eating out with another man unless it was someone in my family such as my son.

Travelling alone with a member of the opposite sex to a conference or similar (especially if it is an overnight one)is a definate no no for us as well.

I have SUCH respect for Billy Graham who had men around him who he was accountable to and he never spent any time alone with another women. Also whenever he stayed anywhere he had men go into his room first to make sure that no one was in there waiting for him. (Yes some peole will do things like this to trap another man)He was  a VERY godly man with a very good strong marriage.

[fanuvmxpx]

I just consider the things you mentioned as a given. But mostly my boundaries are if I wouldn't want my wife to so something, I won't do it myself. This philosophy hasn't failed me yet, so that is how I consider my actions. Time to time I do those momentary lapse of reason things like a few weeks ago a pretty young girl smiles and waves at me and I instinctively smiled and waved back right before my wife backhands me. Not a good idea when your wife is sitting right next to you in the car...

Whoops. Well if you didn't know her I guess I see how that would be awkward. I smile at people all the time (guys & girls) if they smile at me...I sure hope that isn't off limits...or worse that I'm bi...I thought it was just common courtesy?

I gave up 'female friends' a few months after my wife and I started dating. I just felt it was a good idea for sanity/trust in our relationship.

[llewksgood]

No written boundaries, no. Just love and respect for each other. Honesty is a key word for us.

In my stuation it is not possible for me to never be alone with the opposite sex, especially in counselling. However, if I think there is any suggestion of such casual relationships I avoid it at all costs. I will sometimes meet in a public place where we can have a private conversation. If a conversation becomes, in any way, suggestive, I leave. I also tell my wife if I think a lady has been making advances to me. She usually answers the phone and can make her own judgement whether I should be put in such a compromising situation or not. In other words she can say yes, or no. To my embarrasment she can be really blunt.

My wife knows that my desire is towards her, because I affirm her often. If Job, before the law could say, "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look on a young handmaiden," I don't see why I cannot with the power of the Holy Ghost. Don't look, and you won't see.

[KathyH]

How does one know when there are enough boundaries in place?

[chosenone]

How does one know when there are enough boundaries in place?

I guess there has to be common sense and balance used. if you are both happy with the boundaries then that is fine I would think. Of course they can change or new ones set at any point depending on what is happening in life generally.
I guess if one spouse is ever unfaithful and the marriage continues then they would need to be VERY strict ones set to build up any trust again.

[memmy]

For some reason, I guess I don't understand why boundaries have to be put in place. I somehow would feel violated if my husband didn't trust me enough to feel he had to set them, and I wonder why I would feel the need to do so for him. Seems like there is something lacking there if the need be set. 

What ever happened to realizing that God is able to keep us safe from infidelity, if we keep Him first in our life. After all, he is still behind every closed door anyway. 

[chosenone]

For some reason, I guess I don't understand why boundaries have to be put in place. I somehow would feel violated if my husband didn't trust me enough to feel he had to set them, and I wonder why I would feel the need to do so for him. Seems like there is something lacking there if the need be set. 

What ever happened to realizing that God is able to keep us safe from infidelity, if we keep Him first in our life. After all, he is still behind every closed door anyway. 

I know several people who felt the way that you do, who now are divorced after their spouse was unfaithful. I also feel that neither my husband or I would ever be unfaithful, and we both thought that about our first spouses as well, and both of them did commit sexual immorality(in different ways), so could it be slightly naive to think that it will never ever happen to us.
All that boundaries do is to ensure that the circumstances will not enable anything to ever start. In most marriages there come times where we maybe go through a rocky patch, and there maybe temptation to look elsewehere for comfort of emotional support with someone of the opposite sex. We are all prone to sin and all of succomb to some sort of temptaion in oir lives dont we?
I know of five marriages in my family and my husbands family and ex husbands family where this happened, and the mariages destroyed so I see the need for boundaries very clearly.
I heard a good teaching by someone called Nicky and Sila Lee, who started The Mariage course here in the uK (which is now worldwide)and they said that  none of us can ever be 100% sure that neither we or our our spouses will ever stray, and it is naive to say that this is so.I tend to agree, even though my husband is the most moral gody faithful man I have ever met, what is the harm in having our own boundaries to safe guard our marriage.
Satan is out to destroy Christian marriage in particuler and will put people in our lives to tempt us and to entrap us and we do need to be on out guard all the time.
No one gets married with the intention of being unfaithful but I am sure that we all know of marriages which have fallen apart after one spouse did this.

Boundaries are just a good precaution in my opinion.

[KathyH]

What keeps me curious in all this is the fact that there are many Christian marriages that end in affairs and divorce...even when both partners enter into the relationship fully intending to stay within the boundaries they set for themselves and for each other.  Working hard at a relationship doesn't always work.   Then, when a relationship encounters trauma, it is curious that the admonition is often: work harder. 

If working harder to keep boundaries around your partner wasn't effective the first time...then what? 

[chosenone]

What keeps me curious in all this is the fact that there are many Christian marriages that end in affairs and divorce...even when both partners enter into the relationship fully intending to stay within the boundaries they set for themselves and for each other.  Working hard at a relationship doesn't always work.   Then, when a relationship encounters trauma, it is curious that the admonition is often: work harder. 

If working harder to keep boundaries around your partner wasn't effective the first time...then what? 

maybe becuase they didnt actually set any boundaries but just relied on trust alone.

For example my husbands ex wife started a relationship with someone who worked for the same company but in an office quite a distance away. One of them had to e-mail the other about something and their relationshop started from e-mailing each other.

First possible boundary broken, to keep work e-mails on work and not on chatting or getting to know the other person.

They then  both madke the decsiion to drive to meet each other to get to know each other better.

Second possible boundary broken would be not to meet with someone of the opposite sex alone (especially with the express intention of going out with them!).

Then they went out properly, and she started divorce proceedings as she wanted to marry this guy (even though he wasnt a Christian and never asked her to marry him)

A third boundary would be not to go out with someone who isnt a Christian if you arent married, that could be a bondary that single people may want to set.

She then ended up having an affair, even though she told my husband that she would never have sex with this new man before marriage.

So another boundary for most would be no sex outside marriage whether single or still married.

So if she had kept to these sensible boundaries, then she wouldnt now be alone, divorced, probably feeling very sorry to have committed adultery and having probably no chance of meeting a Christian guy becuase at her age(51) there are hardly any Christian guys who are available  in the UK, and loads of Christian women available. Also I am not sure that she is Biblically allowed to remarry becuase she committed adultery and divorced her husband for no Biblical reason.

A salutary tale of what not to do and how to break every possible boundary that they could have made in their marriage.

I guess to answer you better, my husband and I dont actually have a list of written boundaries as such, but we BOTH have verry strict internal boundaries that we ourselves have always had long before we met, and that is why neither of were ever unfaithful in our previous quite long marriages (23 and 25 years long) and never would be now. Neither of us would for example go out with anyone of the oposite sex alone. My husband has to e-mail many many women as well as men in his job, but he always keeps then short and to the point.   Just a couple of boundaries to start with.

[KathyH]

I agree with what you are saying about 'internal boundaries' ...one partner can be responsible for his or her behavior within a relationship, whether or not the other partner chooses the same path, and at any given moment, either partner could be the one who resists the boundaries. 

Lately, I have been learning that my thoughts about my relationships greatly impact my emotions, and that those emotions tend to influence my actions. 

For example, if I think my husband should be faithful to me, and he is not, then I become angry or fearful and tend to want to control what he does or doesn't do.  That plan really doesn't work for me, and here's the reason why...

I am tired of living in fear.  Fear of not being loved, of missing out, of being fooled...again.  Fear of my boundaries being violated.  And scripture tells us that there is no fear in love...perfect love casts out fear.  What if I could choose not to live in the fear of being unloved? 

I am learning that I can live peacefully inside the boundaries of God's love.  When I remember my husband is responsible to God for himself,  and that God can handle him, I breathe easier. 

If I am no longer responsible to control my husband, I have more energy to make choices for myself.  Like thinking about what is true in my marriage and life:  My husband can choose me or not, but my value is not dependent on his actions.  In fact, I can never control his actions, no matter how "right" I am.  What I want is for him to love me by his own choice.   But even if he asks me what I want him to do to prove or safeguard his faithfulness to me, how will I know why he's doing it?  I don't want lipservice, but I do want his love.  It's kind of like what God wants from us...our hearts, not our hands only.   

I am beginning to learn that I can trust God to always love me...and I remember it better when I practice renewing my mind with scripture.  Then I am less desperate, more open, more available to love others.

[llewksgood]

Our boundaries were already set, before we were married by what we believe. There are situations we had to work through, but I never demanded a boundary of my wife, and she never of me.

If she thought she saw a dangerous situation developing for me, she warned me, and I her. Mostly I stayed determined to love her no matter what. I decided that I would not offend Christ who died for me through an extra marital affair.

Like everyone, we have our moments, but our boundaries remain unsaid, because we demand them of ourselves only. I think you're looking for trouble when you begin demanding something you may not appear willing to give yourself.

[chosenone]

Our boundaries were already set, before we were married by what we believe. There are situations we had to work through, but I never demanded a boundary of my wife, and she never of me.

If she thought she saw a dangerous situation developing for me, she warned me, and I her. Mostly I stayed determined to love her no matter what. I decided that I would not offend Christ who died for me through an extra marital affair.

Like everyone, we have our moments, but our boundaries remain unsaid, because we demand them of ourselves only. I think you're looking for trouble when you begin demanding something you may not appear willing to give yourself.

I agree that you cannot demand anything from your spouse but you can come to mutual agreements togather on what is and isnt acceptable.

[k-pappy]

We do not have any boundries, but it is understood that there are certain things we do not do.  Otherwise it makes for an unhealthy marraige and, frankly marraige is tough enough without causing more problems.

In Christ,
KP

[Mac]

We do not have any boundries, but it is understood that there are certain things we do not do.  Otherwise it makes for an unhealthy marraige and, frankly marraige is tough enough without causing more problems.

In Christ,
KP

KP,
Are you suggesting that having boundries can lead to having problems? Maybe I read it wrong.

[Bon Voyage]

I just consider the things you mentioned as a given. But mostly my boundaries are if I wouldn't want my wife to so something, I won't do it myself. This philosophy hasn't failed me yet, so that is how I consider my actions. Time to time I do those momentary lapse of reason things like a few weeks ago a pretty young girl smiles and waves at me and I instinctively smiled and waved back right before my wife backhands me. Not a good idea when your wife is sitting right next to you in the car...

Whoops. Well if you didn't know her I guess I see how that would be awkward. I smile at people all the time (guys & girls) if they smile at me...I sure hope that isn't off limits...or worse that I'm bi...I thought it was just common courtesy?

I gave up 'female friends' a few months after my wife and I started dating. I just felt it was a good idea for sanity/trust in our relationship.

You can still have female friends.  They should probably just be of the canine variety.

[Just As I Am]

One thing I've learned more of late, is to have a "win-win" situation for both spouses. So, you can certainly set internal boundaries since you know where the temptations, weaknesses and strengths for you are. At the same time, having boundaries you agree on as a couple truly need to be something that are for the benefit of the marriage.

[fanuvmxpx]

You can still have female friends.  They should probably just be of the canine variety.

I have two of those!

[chosenone]

I think that having boundaries is just recognising that we all have the potential to sin and that we all have weaknesses that Satan would love to take advantage of. It is not allowing any potential situation to even begin to happen. I know so many people who would still be married if they had stuck to some even very basic boundaries in their realtionship.

I wonder how many people who have been unfaithful would have said before they were that "I would never do something like that" I know people who have said that, and guess what, they did! I never cease to be amazed at what people can justify doing, even Christians, if THEY really want to.   

[k-pappy]

Mac, please forgive me for taking so long to respond and for being unclear in my post.  What I had meant was we have never defined any boundaries, but there is an unwritten rule that we do not do certain things...doing these certain things makes for a troubled marriage, not making boundaries.

In Christ,
KP