Confused and crushed...help..

[queenesther]

Im sorry that this is quite long but it will help if you see the whole picture. I just needed some advice and Im afraid of being judged... im just so confused and broken now. Please bear with me.

Before I became a Christian Im in a very chaotic relationship with an atheist. I dont necessarily agree with his views because somehow I know there is God, but I was also swayed by his beliefs. Until I started working in a Christian company which strengthened  my conviction about God and made me long for something better. I played about the idea of having a Christian partner, maybe that would make things better for my personal life and I envy the wonderful relationships I see around my Christian friends. That was also the time I started falling out of love with my atheist boyfriend, but Im still stuck with him. I transferred to another company and there met a guy who I learned is a Christian. Im physically attracted to him plus we got along real well I started to covet him. I prayed to God that if He made him love me then I would take care of the relationship every Christian way possible. This attraction also gave me the strength to finally breakup with my atheist boyfriend. It was easier because I have someone to focus my attention to and a companion during lonely days. This guy taught me about Jesus, the real thing and I adored him more. He also invited me to church and thats where I learned more about real Christian faith.

After a few months of my friendship with this guy,  I learned he got a girlfriend. This Christian girl he was courting for a long time said yes to him over the holidays, they've known each other for a long time and have been best friends. They even thought of getting married.  I cried when he told me he got a girlfriend but didnt let him know. In my mind, there is still time for me and him to get to know each other and for him to realize that we are meant to be. I covet him so much, that I intentionally think I could steal him from his gf because I have the advantage. We always see each other in the office and his gf is studying far away.  Suffice to say, the plan worked and he fell for me. Fell so hard that after a few months he decided to leave his gf because he said it is unfair for her because his heart beats for me. I was elated at the same time guilty, so I told him to go back to his gf, but this only made him pursue me more. In the end I just let everything flow. I was in cloud 9 to ever think of anything else. You know that feeling when you first fall in love, nothing else seem to matter because you got a natural high. A lot of my friends are against us because they think im just having a rebound relationship and we dont know each other well, but in my mind we have something special and I want to fight for it. I lost some of my bestfriends because of this. 

So we continued going out without any commitment because we were thinking we dont want to rush. He just broke up with the gf and doesnt want anyone to think he jump into another relationship after that. After a few months though, he asked me to be his gf. I refused. I told him we dont have to commit. Truth is im afraid of commitment, I hate being put in a box. In my more than 4 year relationship with my atheist boyfriend, we didnt have an anniversary, we are just going out exclusively, I didnt even introduce him to my family and just introduced him to friends who we accidentally meet when we are out. I always want to have an upperhand in a relationship so I wont get hurt and didnt want to involve others close to me in case of break ups.  But this guy wanted my commitment, and after some nudging, I said yes. For the first time in my life I felt like giving my all in a relationship because I put my word on it. Everything is going rosy until 1 day i learned a painful truth through one of my friends. This guy while we were getting to know each other (not really courting) flirted with one of my officemates whose bf is also my officemate. I was so mad and wanted to end the relationship right then and there. He pleaded with me not to do it. He said he cut it off but the girl continues to harass him. I learned that this girl also liked him a lot and she was so hurt when this guy told her that they cant communicate any longer because he wanted to get serious with me. I was flattered and I know its the truth because he really tried to stay away from the girl. It caused a commotion in the office that even made my friends more doubtful about our relationship, but we continued on.

The next few years we shared is actually awesome. We travelled a lot, go on a lot of dates, shared a lot of romantic times together wether going on picnics, or just sitting in silence reading a newspaper while reading coffee. He is very good to me that I felt I am so blessed to have found him. We got to know each others family and friends. We rarely fight but if we do we always fix it. It was also during this time when I fully committed my life to the Lord. I longed for God more than ever and got to know him deeper. 2 years after being together I had to move to another country for my job requirements. When I moved to this new country, I even grew deeper in my relationship with God. Maybe because I was alone and had no one to count on but my God and my sisters and brothers at church. I got to serve the ministry and be involved in a lot of fellowship activities. I was enjoying my newfound Christian life. Before I would go to church because I know ill be meeting my bf there but when I moved I would go to church because I love to. During my first year in this new country, he visited me 4 times and those visits are just full of love and wonderful memories. I got to show him around my new life, my new friends here. After a year, he decided to follow me in this new country and find a job so we could be closer. God is good because He gave him a good job with good salary except that he is working at night 6 days a week and we really wont be seeing each other that often. Even the going to church suffered because he couldnt wake up early and our church only has morning service. This is where all the chaos started.

When he came to this new country, I was living with 2 other girls and just renting a room for myself, by a sudden twist of fate, I had to leave the house because of some misunderstanding with my housemates and find a place of my own. Its also the same time my bf got a job and need a place to stay too. So we found a 3 room flat where I could stay in 1 room, he stays in the other and the other is taken by a friend from church.  My close friends at church is apprehensive at the idea of us staying in 1 house but I was confident nothing bad is gonna happen because we kept our relationship pure for years and we are already planning to get married next year so might as well wait. At the back of my mind Im also guilty because I know a lot of people will think we are living in, and that is not something to be proud of specially when a lot of people know Im a christian. I guess I was so guilty, I tried to distance myself from him around the house. I refused his sweetness and talked to him like a normal housemate. I want to be able to tell myself our conscience is clear. Little did I know I was slowly destroying his self esteem and he was dealing with a problem and I somehow made it worst for him.

6 months of staying together, with lots of pressure in and outside of the house and lack of time to be together took its toll.  One day he just told he is a good for nothing guy and I deserve better.  I learned that the reason he followed me to this new country is so he could flee from the affair he had while I was gone. He flee because he loved me and wanted to change his ways. He thought that being with me will change everything. During the times we were together, I was not encouraging, I was shutting him out. There is this time, which he remembered clearly, when I was waking him up so we could go to church and he couldnt because he hasnt slept yet. He heard me crying and telling myself Im turned off by him. There are other things I told him that might have put him down. He got very low self esteem mainly because he has a very controlling father who always criticize him, so he became somewhat rebellious. When he told me about the affair and some other flirtations, I cried a bucket but I forgave him. Deep in my heart I understood why. I understood why its so hard to fight temptation with the job he has. He is a musician meeting lots of girls who would be ready to give themselves to him. I just thought he would be stronger because He was a Christian youth leader with good foundation. I tried to warn him about girls before but I just put off the idea because maybe I dont want to deal with it or just dont want to get hurt.

God has given me so much grace at the time he admitted everything to me that I was hugging him while he is crying because I know he wanted to stop his desires but couldnt. He said he is already tired. Several times he asked God to take it away but he is always stuck in the same rut. He lost hope and faith that he could change. I cried for his soul, because what I see is not my boyfriend but a Christian man in bondage, without hope that he could get out of the pit. I also learned the painful truth that a month before while he is with me and we are staying in the same house (though we rarely see each other), he met a girl at work, flirted with her and somehow liked her. This girl is someone he sees everyday, wears miniskirts and you know the looks. She's a singer in another band. And he said, she is what he is going through now. And he is so ashamed that he is on it again. He thought being with me is the answer but now he really lost hope and the drive to obey God. He said the problem is his heart and only God can change it but he doesnt have faith anymore. He told me he has been through a lot of girls before but his love for me never waivered but now he deeply cares for me but the romantic love is gone. He said his mind says he should be with me but his heart is in contrast. We cried together thinking about all our dreams and memories, it didnt just broke my heart, I was crushed into pieces as if a big part of me just crumbled and I dont know how to rebuild it. I tried to convince him that we work this out but he said that he likes what he is going through right now. I tried to plead until I decided to just let go. In my heart, I knew I was giving God my Isaac, the one I love most and maybe the one thats hindering from giving it all fully to God.

Now he is still staying at our place, we havent talked the deep talk since I told him I accept his decision to split up because its better for us both. I know he is building new memories with this new girl and newfound friends. Im terribly jealous everytime I find out he is spending time with them but I know I cant do anything. Only God can change his heart. I can buy him books, talk him through it, but in truth I am powerless. In the back of my mind I still want him back because I know we make a good pair. We are so much alike and have a lot of beautiful memories together. The main difference and this he also pointed out is our faith. He said he is way down low and Im way up there. We are not seeing eye to eye in our spiritual life. Funny because when we first met, I was the one way down low and he seem to be the one up there. I tried to think that I deserve a better man. Someone who values loyalty and fidelity the way I do. Someone whose heart loves God more than he loves me or himself. I know I deserve better. But everytime I see him all my feelings for him go back, I wanted to hug him and tell him that we can start over but I dont want to preempt God's plan. Im so confused between praying for him to have a change of heart so we could be together again in the future, to totally moving on. I dont know if I will find another guy I would love more than I loved this guy. Im never one to fall inlove easily or to like someone easily. Im confused even about what to pray. I know he still cares about me because he message me everyday asking me how I am, but I want his love. Im confused, Im stubborn, I maybe suffering the consequence of my past sins, but I know God is gonna bring me through all this, thats what he promised. For now I dont know what to want, Im so confused... I havent told my parents or close friends yet. I just told some of my disciplers at church. I want to move on but I still love the guy... I want to fight for him. I felt something special is stolen by the enemy and I want to take it back. How do I fight when I feel I have nothing left? Any advice would be great. Sorry for the long message, I just think you have to see the whole picture...

[sopranette]

Well if I'm reading this right, you both left somneone else to be together.  Now you're hoping your mutual faith in God will be enough to keep you two together.  It sounds like that isn't working.....

love,

Sopranette

[Howdyboyalan]

The problem is here that many people never change. He left a girl for you, what made you think he would not do it again?

What is telling is that you wanted some kind of assurance that you would end up with him after leaving your 'Atheist' boyfriend.  I think it shows you are dependant on relationships for assurances.

I think you need to take time out, learn to love yourself first, then another.  You did do some dis honest things, which you will need to pray for forgiveness for.

If you want redemption among some of the people you have hurt also-
if you hurt your Atheist boyfriend when you left him, or cut him off painfully, when you are over this whole mess, and I mean REALLY OVER, so there is going to be no chance of being vunerable to going back etc and he has moved on, I suggest you write to him and make amends, which will hopefully help allay your own guilt.

These are just suggestions, but in the meantime, I think you just need to get past it. Just another one of billions that fall in and out of love.

[HRoberson]

Is there a digest version?