Looking for guidance...

[looking4answers]

I know ultimately that I am the only one who has to make a decision on this topic(group of topics) However I would appreciate some guidance.

I have been married for 7 going on 8 years this month to a wonderful woman who I adore. Around our 3-4 year mark my wife asked me what about adopting an older child. (we had not/ have not tried to conceive) To this I was very upset. Never during our dating had the topic of having children ever include adopting... I always thought we would have our own biological children someday. I was beside myself.

Has anyone on had this type of experience? Do you know of anyone who has adopted vs having their own biological child?

Her reasoning for this is that she does not feel she could emotionally handle an infant, which I could understand the stresses that a woman has to endure....

When this came up she mentioned that she would understand if I wanted to get a divorce that it would bother her however she would understand since this was something that she would not be able to give me.

I do not want to get a divorce since I do not believe in it...Everything happens for a reason, I'm just trying to figure out why this had happened to me. What is God's intention? While at the same time I'm wondering if I would want to adopt, would I be alright with not knowing if we could have had our own biological children...

I look forward to your responses...

[MrQuietGuy]

Adoption can be very wonderful. My late wife and I  had a biological daughter and later we adopted  a baby at birth, who turned out to be a beautiful boy. It was a private open adoption. We had met the birth mother previously through my wife's OB/GYN for the purpose of the adoption so we knew her fairly well by the time of the birth. He was officially turned over to us at the hospital.

We loved our daughter and son equally, and to us (and to them) there was no difference between them (although they did have very different personalities).

That said, there is a huge difference between adopting an infant and adopting an older child. If your wife thinks she can't handle an infant, in my opinion she surely won't be able to handle adopting an older child. My wife wanted to adopt an older child, but luckily we didn't rush into it. Instead, we took in older foster children. It was through that experience that we found out what a problem that can be.

First of all, even raising your own child, especially through the teen age years, is difficult.  If you haven't grown up with the child and bonded, it is nearly an impossible task to deal with them. Add to that the fact that there is a reason the older child is being put up for adoption. They are often already problem children who require an extreme amount of love and patience, and even then are difficult. My wife wanted to "help" or "cure" the children we took in. We quickly found out that it just doesn't work. Even a mental health professional would have a difficult time with such a child.

If your wife insists that she really wants to adopt an older child, I would suggest you consider foster children as a learning experience to find out if you can handle the special problems of such a child. Be careful though, about becoming attached to the foster child, and wanting to adopt him. Depending on the laws in your state, you may not be able to do that.

I would also suggest that you look into yourself to consider the reason you don't want to adopt. Is it because you want the child to be "yours" -- perhaps because you want them as an extension of yourself so you can feel you will live on through your blood descendants? I think some introspection about this would be quite helpful, and through that introspection perhaps you can decide just how important it really is to you to have biological rather than adopted children.

I wish you well and truly hope and pray that you and your wife can come to and agreement on this that you can both be excited about.

Tom M.

[F. Jasmine Adams]

When this came up she mentioned that she would understand if I wanted to get a divorce that it would bother her however she would understand since this was something that she would not be able to give me.

  In other words, "my way or the highway."
  Strange, that she would decide on her own, what your future child/children would be....usually people decide together.
  I think there's a lot more going on here, than a discussion about children.

[Thunder]

When this came up she mentioned that she would understand if I wanted to get a divorce that it would bother her however she would understand since this was something that she would not be able to give me.

  In other words, "my way or the highway."
  Strange, that she would decide on her own, what your future child/children would be....usually people decide together.
  I think there's a lot more going on here, than a discussion about children.

I had the same feeling when I read the post.

And I am strongly opposed to "everything happens for a reason".  I think satan throws us a lot of curve balls and God sees us through them... things don't always start out as a lesson from God, they just end up that way. 

[kensington]

When this came up she mentioned that she would understand if I wanted to get a divorce that it would bother her however she would understand since this was something that she would not be able to give me.

  In other words, "my way or the highway."
  Strange, that she would decide on her own, what your future child/children would be....usually people decide together.
  I think there's a lot more going on here, than a discussion about children.

Amen...   This is not a choice you just make and hand your spouse whom you love and committed your life to.  Not at all.  I suggest seeking counseling and find a way to get an open discussion going on to see what is really at the root of this... I'm just more shocked that she would offer you a free divorce if you want kids of your own.  Something is wrong with that...  had she said she really had a desire to adopt, that would be fine, but she just wants to avoid having a baby/infant.  What's to say she can commit to loving and caring for an older child...  and at what age is good for her??  Potty trained?  In School? Or already in college so she has to do nothing? Babies are only infants to about 10 months of age... then shortly after they become toddlers.... so why is it the infant stage she can't do? ... for me.. It's that Toddler age you can keep. UGH...   Potty training.. P-U!!

But... do seek counseling for you both. Find out why she didn't give you any discussion or input on how your life was going to go...  Please.

Like I said... this is a good indication that you need to seek some counseling out to see what is going on. 

[zoonance]

We had two and adopted two.  Giving a kid a home and being a parent is great - but only if they are brought into a home that includes parents with a stable relationship themselves.   Your situation smells fishy though as previous posters have suggested.  On a positive note: sometimes adopting children can lead to natural children as well.