passionate-less, sex-less christian marriage....

[His Princess]

I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom.  Before that there wasn't a problem. 

Oh please, if that's her excuse, then she's a major wimp.  I had SIX kids all very, very close together and I never used that as an excuse.   On top of that, my house was always moderately, at least, clean, the laundry was always done, and there was always a hot meal on the table at night.  So when I hear of someone complaining who has 2 or 3 kids, I chuckle because in my eyes, they're on easy street.

[806jjbz]

Well, just to update everyone, since I have begun to express my concerns more and suggest marriage counseling, she seems to be slowly taking a bit more notice of our situation, we talked for a while last night and she expressed concerns about not having enough time for her family and she finally expressed (although it was slight) concern about our marriage, saying that she wants to be a better wife to me, and mother. I am pretty happy that at least she seems to be recognizing some sort of issues, she still doesnt see anything in particular, she is just feeling a general sense of "lack", but maybe she will have some light bulbs go off in her head about some particular things. I think it is helping that I am standing up for myself and not dropping the counseling idea, I think that has been somewhat of an eye opener as well as my suggestion to begin a bible study on marriage. She has also suggested again that we read the "love languages" book too...yay! I think she is now seeing that my "issues" arent completely sexual as she has assumed ever since we got married.

Please keep us in your prayers, and hopefully this direction we seem to be looking at is the right one.

I do plan on being on this board every day, so please keep the comments, opinions, and discussions on this post going. Believe me I take every post to heart and think on each opinion. everyone here is a great help!

[His Princess]

Well, just to update everyone, since I have begun to express my concerns more and suggest marriage counseling, she seems to be slowly taking a bit more notice of our situation, we talked for a while last night and she expressed concerns about not having enough time for her family and she finally expressed (although it was slight) concern about our marriage, saying that she wants to be a better wife to me, and mother. I am pretty happy that at least she seems to be recognizing some sort of issues, she still doesnt see anything in particular, she is just feeling a general sense of "lack", but maybe she will have some light bulbs go off in her head about some particular things. I think it is helping that I am standing up for myself and not dropping the counseling idea, I think that has been somewhat of an eye opener as well as my suggestion to begin a bible study on marriage. She has also suggested again that we read the "love languages" book too...yay! I think she is now seeing that my "issues" arent completely sexual as she has assumed ever since we got married.

Please keep us in your prayers, and hopefully this direction we seem to be looking at is the right one.

I do plan on being on this board every day, so please keep the comments, opinions, and discussions on this post going. Believe me I take every post to heart and think on each opinion. everyone here is a great help!

This is wonderful news!  I'm so happy for you that things are going in the right direction, that's great!  Stick with it and keep in touch with us, too, so we know how you're doing.

[chosenone]

Well, just to update everyone, since I have begun to express my concerns more and suggest marriage counseling, she seems to be slowly taking a bit more notice of our situation, we talked for a while last night and she expressed concerns about not having enough time for her family and she finally expressed (although it was slight) concern about our marriage, saying that she wants to be a better wife to me, and mother. I am pretty happy that at least she seems to be recognizing some sort of issues, she still doesnt see anything in particular, she is just feeling a general sense of "lack", but maybe she will have some light bulbs go off in her head about some particular things. I think it is helping that I am standing up for myself and not dropping the counseling idea, I think that has been somewhat of an eye opener as well as my suggestion to begin a bible study on marriage. She has also suggested again that we read the "love languages" book too...yay! I think she is now seeing that my "issues" arent completely sexual as she has assumed ever since we got married.

Please keep us in your prayers, and hopefully this direction we seem to be looking at is the right one.

I do plan on being on this board every day, so please keep the comments, opinions, and discussions on this post going. Believe me I take every post to heart and think on each opinion. everyone here is a great help!

Well done for sticking to your guns and dont give up the idea of counselling even if she does carry on agreeing to these others things. Its sounds as if she is at last recognising that things arent right, and hopefully will be willing to really work on it together.  Thats great news, we will continue to pray for a much improved and happier marriage for you both. 

[Imabear]

I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom.  Before that there wasn't a problem. 

w8ing4
Yes, having children does definately change us but it doesnt usually make us very selfish unless we already are underneath does it? This lady is acting in a very bad way. She threatens to leave and take the children away everytime he tries to speak to her about their problems in their marriage.That is cruel and very controlling and causes him to have to back away again and everything just stays the same (which is how she wants it of course).
I just hope that the children arent around when she says this. How will that make them feel?Very insecure and scared I would think. In my opinion she needs to think less about herself  and what SHE wants and more about her childrens feelings and her husbands feelings and needs.

I think must not be expressing myself well if you think I'm saying she is justified in behaving that way.  That wasn't what I was trying to say.

[His Princess]

I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom.  Before that there wasn't a problem. 

w8ing4
Yes, having children does definately change us but it doesnt usually make us very selfish unless we already are underneath does it? This lady is acting in a very bad way. She threatens to leave and take the children away everytime he tries to speak to her about their problems in their marriage.That is cruel and very controlling and causes him to have to back away again and everything just stays the same (which is how she wants it of course).
I just hope that the children arent around when she says this. How will that make them feel?Very insecure and scared I would think. In my opinion she needs to think less about herself  and what SHE wants and more about her childrens feelings and her husbands feelings and needs.

I think must not be expressing myself well if you think I'm saying she is justified in behaving that way.  That wasn't what I was trying to say.

I apologize for sounding so negative to what you said.   I shouldn't have sounded so grumpy this morning!

[The unloved one]

This will probably be a hot topic, I am a 40 year old christian man living with a gorgeous 34 year old christian wife whom I absolutely adore, cherish, and am extremely attracted to, The problem is a common one it seems, my need for physical touch (non sexual or otherwise) and my sex drive is completely opposite of hers. She never, and I do mean literally never initiates anything sexual, we don't hold hands, (never really have), we don't kiss, ever. no hugs unless I initiate and even then its like me hugging my sister or something, very impersonal and cold. I am greeted everyday I come home with a "to-do" list (which I do), and I am also greeted with no hug, no kiss, nothing....Now please don't get me wrong, I am not here to paint a negative picture of my wife, I truly do love her, I credit her entirely for being the one that showed me the light and brought me to Christ, she saved my life, I fully believe I would not be here today if it weren't for God putting her smack in front of me, (literally) one day. So I am not here to bash my wife, I'm here to seek advice from a christian perspective on this issue because I am seeing the manifestation of the built up resentment I feel from the last 6 years or so of constant rejection and growing negativity and isolation I feel from her.

Same 'ol story, It started out great when we were married, I felt secure, I knew in my heart of hearts that she truly desired me in every way, she wanted to be with me, and she showed it. She was fun, fairly spontaneous, seemed to enjoy everything about being with me. But things started to sort of "cool off" for her, I thought nothing of it.

Fast forward, 2 years after marriage we got pregnant (totally planned), the day we confirmed the pregnancy, everything started downhill and has gone that way ever since. Its like she switched to "mommy mode" and apparently that takes precedence over the husbands needs, it has come to the point that she gets upset that I even want to talk about my problems, and if I so much as mention the words "touch", or "physical", or "sex", she gets extremely angry and accuses me of being oversexed, "is that all you think about?"  etc etc.

More background: we do have sex, she does enjoy it when we do, orgasm and all just about every time, the problem is that she can go months at a time without the thought of sex even crossing her mind, I consider myself lucky if we do it once every 4-6 weeks, and that only happens if I work for weeks at a time to "initiate", and yes I have tried all the "things women want" such as helping out around the house, helping with the kids, flowers or gifts for no reason, etc, etc. It does absolutely no good. I never get any recognition for the things I do, but wow, I get the lectures and speeches when I miss some dishes, or forget to take the trash out, etc.

So here's my question, and I want female input as well a male...

What happened??? why does it seem a woman's desire diminishes so easily and quickly after marriage? I have never cheated, I am still in good physical shape, I keep myself very well groomed, I tell her I love her and I tell her how incredibly gorgeous I think she is because...wow!, she really is quite gorgeous. I tell her constantly. she uses all the excuses, "I'm tired", "you don't know what I do all day", (shes a stay at home mom) "I've gained weight," I don't like my body anymore", etc etc...shes only gained maybe 25-30 lbs since children, doesn't bother me in the least. She has also lost most of that weight a few months ago, she has always told me, "if I could lose even 15 or 20 lbs, you'll see..guess what....nothing...
By the way, before all the posts start to arrive about "ohhh...kids! theres the problem, kids are hard"... don't bother going there because I know first hand the rigors of caring for kids at home, Ive done it. Yes its hard sometimes, but I am never so tired as to reject being with my wife. I just cant take any more daily rejection, but on the other hand I am absolutely not going to break up my family over this issue, nor am I going to have an affair or anything like that, the other side of it is, I am also not willing to spent the rest of my life with someone who just isn't all that intersted anymore...


HELP!

Sir,  I have never met your wife yet she seem to embody everything I fear in women. I must say I salute you, I would have probably taken the lowbrow path and guilted her with bible verses and letting taking her to couples counseling with a male counseler. Its situations like this that make me embrace being equal opportunity. As far as advice I wouldn't know what to tell you that follows with Gods law. I still can't see how you put up with that she is neglecting your needs and it doesn't seem fair, what if you suddenly stopped doing the same for her ( not sexually but otherwise) you would most likely be demonized as some kinda villian. I hope you get through this the right way instead of my way though. Good luck.

[806jjbz]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

[His Princess]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

Yea, that was a ridiculous statement for her to make.  She has absolutely no concept, none whatsoever, about how God designed sex to be between a married couple and she has no understanding of how men (husbands) feel about sex. 

Like I've said before, we can all agree with you so at least you know something's wrong here and it's not you, but it's still not going to change her.  I think it's incredibly sad, you are such a nice man with all the best intentions....she's throwing you and your love away and she doesn't even know it.  Yet.

My husband says (and forgive me if I've already said this on here) that "sex" is ONE of the ways a man expresses his love for his wife.  So if you constantly reject sex, you are rejecting your husband's love for you. 

[The unloved one]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

Kind Sir,

At this point I absolutly loathe your spouse, I would go as fars as to say she is a very very poor worker relationship wise. She might as well say that you affection is a one way street, I honestly think if I was in you shoes they would have a hard time find her again. She is treating you like a dog that did some bad. I am angry and wish I could help you out. I say couple counseling is needed as soon as possible.

[His Princess]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

Kind Sir,

At this point I absolutly loathe your spouse, I would go as fars as to say she is a very very poor worker relationship wise. She might as well say that you affection is a one way street, I honestly think if I was in you shoes they would have a hard time find her again. She is treating you like a dog that did some bad. I am angry and wish I could help you out. I say couple counseling is needed as soon as possible.

I have to say I agree with the sentiment expressed here.

[chosenone]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

This is very sad. I am so sorry that it hasnt changed as yet. She obviously hasnt a clue that for a man, sex is part of love and that as His princess says for man a big way of showing his love is by having sex with the woman he loves. Many women seem to feel this way, that their husband are 'only after one thing' and that is so sad. Men need to have sex with their wives to be able to connect with them emotionally ( I read that somewhere!)
Would she read any of these marriage books that explain how vital and important sex is for  a man and a marriage?maybe then she would understand more.
it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells with her trying not to say or do anything that makes her annoyed or reject you even more. I do agree that something needs to be done for you both. Maybe she has some sort of sexual hangup that a counsellor could help with?
Will keep on praying that something will change.

[His Princess]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

This is very sad. I am so sorry that it hasnt changed as yet. She obviously hasnt a clue that for a man, sex is part of love and that as His princess says for man a big way of showing his love is by having sex with the woman he loves. Many women seem to feel this way, that their husband are 'only after one thing' and that is so sad. Men need to have sex with their wives to be able to connect with them emotionally ( I read that somewhere!)
Would she read any of these marriage books that explain how vital and important sex is for  a man and a marriage?maybe then she would understand more.
it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells with her trying not to say or do anything that makes her annoyed or reject you even more. I do agree that something needs to be done for you both. Maybe she has some sort of sexual hangup that a counsellor could help with?
Will keep on praying that something will change.

Yes, I've read and heard from more than one source that men cannot fully connect with their wives emotionally if they're not having sex with them, that is absolutely true.  I've seen it.  Sex is, by far and away, the biggest thing a man wants/needs from his wife.  Wives need to understand this and go with it.  Personally, I don't understand why so many wives have this problem.  I just don't get it.  When my husband turns to me in bed, I think that's a good thing!  I'm GLAD he is attracted to me, glad he wants only me, glad he pours all his affections and attentions on to me.  I would never, ever reject that. 

[The unloved one]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

This is very sad. I am so sorry that it hasnt changed as yet. She obviously hasnt a clue that for a man, sex is part of love and that as His princess says for man a big way of showing his love is by having sex with the woman he loves. Many women seem to feel this way, that their husband are 'only after one thing' and that is so sad. Men need to have sex with their wives to be able to connect with them emotionally ( I read that somewhere!)
Would she read any of these marriage books that explain how vital and important sex is for  a man and a marriage?maybe then she would understand more.
it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells with her trying not to say or do anything that makes her annoyed or reject you even more. I do agree that something needs to be done for you both. Maybe she has some sort of sexual hangup that a counsellor could help with?
Will keep on praying that something will change.

Yes, I've read and heard from more than one source that men cannot fully connect with their wives emotionally if they're not having sex with them, that is absolutely true.  I've seen it.  Sex is, by far and away, the biggest thing a man wants/needs from his wife.  Wives need to understand this and go with it.  Personally, I don't understand why so many wives have this problem.  I just don't get it.  When my husband turns to me in bed, I think that's a good thing!  I'm GLAD he is attracted to me, glad he wants only me, glad he pours all his affections and attentions on to me.  I would never, ever reject that. 

You by far are the most awesome woman that I have heard. If more women were like you I would be heterosexual over night. Women could learn from you. Go forth and teach your sister sheep!

[Hehealedme]

.

[chosenone]

well,

Interesting development last night.

Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"

WOW..

So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

This is very sad. I am so sorry that it hasnt changed as yet. She obviously hasnt a clue that for a man, sex is part of love and that as His princess says for man a big way of showing his love is by having sex with the woman he loves. Many women seem to feel this way, that their husband are 'only after one thing' and that is so sad. Men need to have sex with their wives to be able to connect with them emotionally ( I read that somewhere!)
Would she read any of these marriage books that explain how vital and important sex is for  a man and a marriage?maybe then she would understand more.
it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells with her trying not to say or do anything that makes her annoyed or reject you even more. I do agree that something needs to be done for you both. Maybe she has some sort of sexual hangup that a counsellor could help with?
Will keep on praying that something will change.

Yes, I've read and heard from more than one source that men cannot fully connect with their wives emotionally if they're not having sex with them, that is absolutely true.  I've seen it.  Sex is, by far and away, the biggest thing a man wants/needs from his wife.  Wives need to understand this and go with it.  Personally, I don't understand why so many wives have this problem.  I just don't get it.  When my husband turns to me in bed, I think that's a good thing!  I'm GLAD he is attracted to me, glad he wants only me, glad he pours all his affections and attentions on to me.  I would never, ever reject that. 

You by far are the most awesome woman that I have heard. If more women were like you I would be heterosexual over night. Women could learn from you. Go forth and teach your sister sheep!

The unloved one
There are many women out there who love their husbands and want to please them and make them happy. You  need to look for them in a different place than those you have been looking maybe?

[chosenone]

Quote from: 806jjbz 


So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.

She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.

Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??

Please notice and understand 806jjbz, that I am not directing these words at you personally, it was a problem that my husband and I had...

It becomes a problem when a person wants to have sex with their spouse but what about the rest of the time when that person shows no love no care and no affection whatsoever to their spouse?...that was our problem during the remaining of that time!...what made me feel less loved by him was the fact that for the remaining time he acted as though he wanted nothing to do with me!...no kind words, no loving no caring acts towards me whatsoever!...was I being too self-centered or too demanding of him?...I honestly don't think so...at least a little ''I love you'' once in a while would have been nice, but noooooo, I was too much of a nag for him!...wearing a ring on a finger doesn't mean that we become their possession but that is what I had become for him, his possession!...I have always been there for him no matter what but what about him?...his actions towards me proves that he didn't love me at all!...but still, I remained and prayed that one day he would appreciate me for what I was worth...I loved him, I really did and I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him but he finally ran off with another woman ...his problems followed him where he went I am sure!...it is now his loss, not mine!...

hehealedme

In your case it was the husband that was selfish, in this case it is the wife. She thinks that she can love her huaband and not have sex or any other physical  affection towards him. She cant. if she really loved him she wouldn't treat him the way she does.

[Hehealedme]

.

[chosenone]

hehealedme

In your case it was the husband that was selfish, in this case it is the wife. She thinks that she can love her husband and not have sex or any other physical  affection towards him. She cant. if she really loved him she wouldn't treat him the way she does.

Well after years of this treatment, I didn't feel like having sex with my husband anymore...so in a way, I think that yes, I had become selfish but I couldn't help myself...you know what I mean?...anyone has any idea how hard it is to have sex with your husband that doesn't even love you back? ? ?...

I am sure that it is very hard hehealedme, but in this mans case she isnt being selfish because he doesnt love or or hasnt treated her well, but she is being sefish anyway DESPITE all that he does for her.

[Hehealedme]

.

[Jaden100]

Im sorry to tell you dude, but it is very likely that your wife just doesnt love you at all.  I lived exactly what you are describing, and one day I came gome to a note.  She was gone.  She is now remarried and to the best of my knowledge she is happy and probably can give herself freely and enthusiastically to her new husband. 

Our heart is not connected to our brain.  Even when we know what the right thig to do is, when it comes to matters of the heart, the heart will never lie.  Therefore, she cannot give herself to you because it is not in her heart to do so. 

Since being divorced, I have had a few relationships with women.  They loved me and treated me well.  I imagined I could have an excellent life with them, but the only thing was, I didnt love them.  This was when I realized how my ex wife must have been feeling.  You cannot make yourself love someone, it is not that simple.  Sure you can use the checklist of proper behavior for how to treat someone you love, but that is using sheer willpower, and is not coming from the heart. 

You cannot over spiritualize this issue. 

Now, I dont know you or your behavior or your faults.  I do not know your transgressions you have made to her.  I do not know if you have nutured her and made her feel loved and safe.  A woman needs to feel this before she can truely give herself to her man.  But I will say, in your case it will be VERY hard to turn the cart in the proper direction, because there are layers of resentment now.  The patters have become ingrained, you pursue, she resists, both resent.  Other arguements flare up over petty things because of these feelings. 

She needs to feel disarmed.  She is so guarded and defensive now, not even a tank can get at her. 

This will bring a lot of controversy, but I suggest that you take some time apart.  She needs to disarm and to relax and she also needs to come to you.  In my opinion, you need to tell her that you love her so much you are willing to let her go.  You are going to give her space.  Tell her where you will be waiting and that you need to see her come to you, to desire you, and to persue you.  The onus is on her.  Stop talking about your needs and building resentment.  Talk about your own feelings and how you feel about the rejection you feel before you go, and tell her you cannot continue to live like this.

This is your only ace card you can play.  The only regret I have about the failure of my marriage is that I didnt force the issue sooner.  The end result was the same, and it just became harder and harder. 

God bless you in whatever you do. 

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

Maybe she's totally bored.  Have you tried suggesting something totally inappropriate? 

Or maybe she's just completely repressed.  Perhaps you should get her drunk, and teach her what it is to cut loose.   She might have lots of pent up agression... you lucky dog you.

Jarrod

[davvy]

Well it looks like this post has been dead a while, I wonder how it worked out for 806jjbzr?   

Not sure if anyone brought up the wife's upbringing.  Like was there any molestation or sexual abuse done to this women in her younger years.  Can really screw up there perspective on sex.

Your not alone brother if your still reading posts.  Been there a few times.  Feel like a sack of poo.  Its important for men to feel respected ( as long as they deserve it ).  Let us know how it is going?

God be with ya.

[IamStefanie]

To the OP,
I'm sure you're already gotten all of the advice you need; however, I would just like to say, if you've done all that you know to do for your wife, then it's time to go to God! There is nothing wrong with wanting sex from your wife; and I'm sure if this post was done by a woman, something, would be wrong with the man; he wouldn't be provided excuses as the woman in this situation has been given.

I'm not here to say childbearing is hard (I am a single mom, I get it all too well) and I work full time. HOWEVER, I know I have to take care of my husband and him of me. If I'm having issues, I would go get help. Some of you may say I don't know because I'm not married. I don't have to be married to understand this one. I read God's word and I know how to conduct myself as a wife AND as a single person. As a single person, if I'm having problems in my relationship and I know its nothing that the other person has done, I need to go get help (been there, done that). I know that as a married person, we are to fulfill the roles of the wife, and be joyful! If that is not going right, then I go to God. I'm not perfect and I know I will be tested and will forget, but I know WHO I will take care of it all for my good and all of the days of my life as long as He remains in me and I in Him. This will happen whether single or married.

Now, to the OP, if I may offer advice to you, continue to talk with your wife. I don't know if you've tried this or if you are able to do this, but have the kids go to stay with a relative for a night or even a weekend and love your wife (not saying that you do, but take up a notch). Like someone else said, make her want you. Its not a game, but give her that attention she may be needing from you with NO distractions from the outside. I don't know if it'll work but I hope you will try. And for your wife, pray for her and/or continue to pray for her. Not just about the sex but the peace in the home and her being stressed out.

Things will get better for you, I believe it.

In Jesus name...

[happypromises]

It's been a while since this topic was updated - J, how are things?
Did you get into counselling?  Is it helping?

Personally, I would disregard the comments which imply your wife doesn't love you or is bored or any of those things - to me, that is a fairly standard response of human wisdom.  It's not human wisdom you need here, but God's wisdom. 

Has your wife always been like this?  When you were dating, did you kiss, hug, hold hands....or ever find it difficult to keep your hands off each other?  If this is something that's always been an issue, I'd say that points to your wife having a mixed up view on sex.  Lots of people view sex as something that's a bit dirty - that can be because they have had sex used against them as a weapon (abuse, rape or something else) or simply sometimes because they have grown up in an overly religious household, where sex was something women 'had' to do, but not something they relaxed into and enjoyed.   

I think the church's teaching on sex in the past, has a lot to answer for.  As young teenagers we were taught 'don't do it, it's wrong, it's bad', but they missed off the bit about, 'in marriage, it's GOOD'.   I know a LOT of women who were raised in the church who just couldn't get their heads around stuff once they got married - they went overnight from believing it was 'bad'. to suddenly on their wedding day, 'go for it'.  That is a huge mental adjustment and if you are well practised in controlling your sex drive, it can be a tough habit to break out of.

I hope you are doing ok.  Please update us if you can.

[DaveW]

She thinks that she can love her husband and not have sex or any other physical  affection towards him. She cant. if she really loved him she wouldn't treat him the way she does.

There is no biblical command for wives to love their husbands. 

Respect, submit to and obey, Yes. 
Love - no.

[DaveW]

Then why do priests demand that fiances publicly declare their unconditional and everlasting love at the wedding?

Those vows are not found in the bible.

She has broken her Christian vows in front of God and she will burn in hell for eternity for it.   

And if she repents? You are really slamming the door shut on this one.

Clapping for sending someone to hell?  Are you saved? Do you have no compassion for the lost?

[Lively Stone]

Then why do priests demand that fiances publicly declare their unconditional and everlasting love at the wedding? She has broken her Christian vows in front of God and she will burn in hell for eternity for it. She should know her place and get to work.

Do you have a secret pleasure of condemning people to hell, there, Bubba?

If one is a Christian, one will not be going to hell. Do you not understand about God's grace?

[806jjbz]

Update!!

I am back after almost 4 years...sorry..

Quite a bit has changed in that time, most of it has been for the better.

Right about the time I stopped posting, ('09) she had a miscarriage that devastated both of us in ways I'm probably still not fully aware of, but out of that horrible time in our lives came some very good and positive things. We both went to God during that time and that helped more than anything. I learned how to "give it to God" instead of trying to fix it myself. That was a wonderful thing to learn how to do. We learned some things about each other during that time that has been very valuable. I found out recently thet she even began to do "the Love Dare" on me prior to the loss, she stopped because of it. (understandably) So, I know she cares..

Fast forward to 2010, after some extensive prayer, we felt is was Gods's will that we have another baby, and after quite some time trying.. we welcomed another baby into our lives in March of 2011. Things have been actually pretty good ever since. We continue to grow closer with each day, and we seem to be communicating better, and generally moving in the same direction.

Things are greatly improved in the bedroom as well. the frequency and quality has improved vastly, although that was never the real issue, and we are both happier because of it. we still have our issues sometimes, but I think we have both learned how to better appreciate and adapt..She still does not participate in simple physical things such as hugging, hand holding, kissing, etc, but to her credit, there have been several occasions recently that she has shocked me with her efforts towards the simple stuff that I so desire..(im not giving details.. )I have learned how to be less "pressuring" when it comes to sex, which has helped a lot,and we have both recently begun to give each other some alone time to persue interests and hobbies as a way to de-stress, pray, and just have a little break when we can. She has found that she likes to read and study the word, she has taken some scrapbooking classes, etc..I have taken up cycling and am really enjoying the quiet times when I ride to reflect and pray, and the excercise is a bonus too. we have also altered the way we eat, eliminating as much processed foods as possible. It is amazing the difference that a diet change and excercise makes!

We have begun to take regular "Date Nights" and have evn managed to have in home date nights as well after the baby has gone to sleep. We are both really enjoying reconnecting with each other without the kids.And the "passion" seems to be returning on her part. ( i never lost it..)

So I guess al in all, I am vastly happier, as is she than I was 4 years ago. God willing, it will keep moving in this direction. We are about to go on our first vacation in years in a couple of weeks as well, looking forward to that!

Thanks to everyone for commenting, and I will be back more often to keep in touch.

Bye for now!

[Lively Stone]

Update!!

I am back after almost 4 years...sorry..

Quite a bit has changed in that time, most of it has been for the better.

Right about the time I stopped posting, ('09) she had a miscarriage that devastated both of us in ways I'm probably still not fully aware of, but out of that horrible time in our lives came some very good and positive things. We both went to God during that time and that helped more than anything. I learned how to "give it to God" instead of trying to fix it myself. That was a wonderful thing to learn how to do. We learned some things about each other during that time that has been very valuable. I found out recently thet she even began to do "the Love Dare" on me prior to the loss, she stopped because of it. (understandably) So, I know she cares..

Fast forward to 2010, after some extensive prayer, we felt is was Gods's will that we have another baby, and after quite some time trying.. we welcomed another baby into our lives in March of 2011. Things have been actually pretty good ever since. We continue to grow closer with each day, and we seem to be communicating better, and generally moving in the same direction.

Things are greatly improved in the bedroom as well. the frequency and quality has improved vastly, although that was never the real issue, and we are both happier because of it. we still have our issues sometimes, but I think we have both learned how to better appreciate and adapt..She still does not participate in simple physical things such as hugging, hand holding, kissing, etc, but to her credit, there have been several occasions recently that she has shocked me with her efforts towards the simple stuff that I so desire..(im not giving details.. )I have learned how to be less "pressuring" when it comes to sex, which has helped a lot,and we have both recently begun to give each other some alone time to persue interests and hobbies as a way to de-stress, pray, and just have a little break when we can. She has found that she likes to read and study the word, she has taken some scrapbooking classes, etc..I have taken up cycling and am really enjoying the quiet times when I ride to reflect and pray, and the excercise is a bonus too. we have also altered the way we eat, eliminating as much processed foods as possible. It is amazing the difference that a diet change and excercise makes!

We have begun to take regular "Date Nights" and have evn managed to have in home date nights as well after the baby has gone to sleep. We are both really enjoying reconnecting with each other without the kids.And the "passion" seems to be returning on her part. ( i never lost it..)

So I guess al in all, I am vastly happier, as is she than I was 4 years ago. God willing, it will keep moving in this direction. We are about to go on our first vacation in years in a couple of weeks as well, looking forward to that!

Thanks to everyone for commenting, and I will be back more often to keep in touch.

Bye for now!

In this world full of bad news, this is good news! Praise God and may He continue to bless your marriage and family!

[DaveW]

She thinks that she can love her huaband and not have sex or any other physical  affection towards him. She cant. if she really loved him she wouldn't treat him the way she does.

I realize this was written almost 4 years ago. But I would like to comment.

We gentiles really get things messed up, don't we?  The view of this in first century Judaism (the culture the NT was written in) was that sex was a wife's right and a husband's responsibility.  That it would be the husbands that were the refusers in that culture is totally foreign to us.  But the Mishnah had to write into Jewish oral law how often husbands were required to please their wives based on their occupation. For the unemployed and independently wealthy and light duty shop keepers it was DAILY. That was a minimum.

[Norton]

Solomon must have been a busy little boy. 

[DaveW]

Solomon must have been a busy little boy. 

700 wives and about 300 concubines.  If he 'serviced' 3 every night it would take him almost a year to get to every one of them. 

OY!!!

[Aahil]

Solomon must have been a busy little boy. 

700 wives and about 300 concubines.  If he 'serviced' 3 every night it would take him almost a year to get to every one of them. 

OY!!!

I have a feeling that it wasn't strictly one-on-one, that it wouldn't take a year at three per night.  Also, those who ate too many bon bons wouldn't be in the line up.

[FireSword]

I think most of those wifes were just for show. He probably only slept with one or two, otherwise he probably would have more kids than a nation.