passionate-less, sex-less christian marriage....

[806jjbz]

This will probably be a hot topic, I am a 40 year old christian man living with a gorgeous 34 year old christian wife whom I absolutely adore, cherish, and am extremely attracted to, The problem is a common one it seems, my need for physical touch (non sexual or otherwise) and my sex drive is completely opposite of hers. She never, and I do mean literally never initiates anything sexual, we don't hold hands, (never really have), we don't kiss, ever. no hugs unless I initiate and even then its like me hugging my sister or something, very impersonal and cold. I am greeted everyday I come home with a "to-do" list (which I do), and I am also greeted with no hug, no kiss, nothing....Now please don't get me wrong, I am not here to paint a negative picture of my wife, I truly do love her, I credit her entirely for being the one that showed me the light and brought me to Christ, she saved my life, I fully believe I would not be here today if it weren't for God putting her smack in front of me, (literally) one day. So I am not here to bash my wife, I'm here to seek advice from a christian perspective on this issue because I am seeing the manifestation of the built up resentment I feel from the last 6 years or so of constant rejection and growing negativity and isolation I feel from her.

Same 'ol story, It started out great when we were married, I felt secure, I knew in my heart of hearts that she truly desired me in every way, she wanted to be with me, and she showed it. She was fun, fairly spontaneous, seemed to enjoy everything about being with me. But things started to sort of "cool off" for her, I thought nothing of it.

Fast forward, 2 years after marriage we got pregnant (totally planned), the day we confirmed the pregnancy, everything started downhill and has gone that way ever since. Its like she switched to "mommy mode" and apparently that takes precedence over the husbands needs, it has come to the point that she gets upset that I even want to talk about my problems, and if I so much as mention the words "touch", or "physical", or "sex", she gets extremely angry and accuses me of being oversexed, "is that all you think about?"  etc etc.

More background: we do have sex, she does enjoy it when we do, orgasm and all just about every time, the problem is that she can go months at a time without the thought of sex even crossing her mind, I consider myself lucky if we do it once every 4-6 weeks, and that only happens if I work for weeks at a time to "initiate", and yes I have tried all the "things women want" such as helping out around the house, helping with the kids, flowers or gifts for no reason, etc, etc. It does absolutely no good. I never get any recognition for the things I do, but wow, I get the lectures and speeches when I miss some dishes, or forget to take the trash out, etc.

So here's my question, and I want female input as well a male...

What happened??? why does it seem a woman's desire diminishes so easily and quickly after marriage? I have never cheated, I am still in good physical shape, I keep myself very well groomed, I tell her I love her and I tell her how incredibly gorgeous I think she is because...wow!, she really is quite gorgeous. I tell her constantly. she uses all the excuses, "I'm tired", "you don't know what I do all day", (shes a stay at home mom) "I've gained weight," I don't like my body anymore", etc etc...shes only gained maybe 25-30 lbs since children, doesn't bother me in the least. She has also lost most of that weight a few months ago, she has always told me, "if I could lose even 15 or 20 lbs, you'll see..guess what....nothing...
By the way, before all the posts start to arrive about "ohhh...kids! theres the problem, kids are hard"... don't bother going there because I know first hand the rigors of caring for kids at home, Ive done it. Yes its hard sometimes, but I am never so tired as to reject being with my wife. I just cant take any more daily rejection, but on the other hand I am absolutely not going to break up my family over this issue, nor am I going to have an affair or anything like that, the other side of it is, I am also not willing to spent the rest of my life with someone who just isn't all that intersted anymore...


HELP!

[djcasp]

How long has it been since you guys have had the baby? (didn't grasp that from the post). I ask because its not uncommon for women's sex drive to decrease after pregnancy, hormones are all over the place and can stay that way for a few years.  Your wife may also have/had some post-partum issues.  There's a continuum there from baby-blues to full on psychotic break.   If she is closer to the baby-blues end this may also complicate the situation.  Instead of trying to talk about sex and your needs (I do feel for you btw) try to ascertain what she needs from you.  She may need extra help in terms of feeling emotionally connected to you.  If there is some post-partum issues she may be scared, embarrassed etc.  Also what was the labor and delivery like?
Your feelings are important and I am not minimizing them and you do need to let her know how important sex/intimacy/touch etc. is to you. 
All the best and keep us posted

[806jjbz]

The last baby was 3 -1/2 years ago, we never really had any issues with post partum. Labor and delivery was wonderful, it was a home birth as was the first and it went very very well. I know what she wants from me, and I try my best to give it to her, when I do, she just keeps taking and taking, and never wants to address my needs, that is the problem, I'm doing everything correctly as best I possibly can, yet I still feel like I'm married to a "roomate" instead of a wife.

Also, I do try to let her know how important those things are to me, thats when she gets upset and asks me "is that all you think about?"

She thinks there is no problem with our love life/frequency, etc, so to her it's ridiculous for me to bring it up.


??   

[Corbley]

This will probably be a hot topic, I am a 40 year old christian man living with a gorgeous 34 year old christian wife whom I absolutely adore, cherish, and am extremely attracted to, The problem is a common one it seems, my need for physical touch (non sexual or otherwise) and my sex drive is completely opposite of hers. She never, and I do mean literally never initiates anything sexual, we don't hold hands, (never really have), we don't kiss, ever. no hugs unless I initiate and even then its like me hugging my sister or something, very impersonal and cold. I am greeted everyday I come home with a "to-do" list (which I do), and I am also greeted with no hug, no kiss, nothing....Now please don't get me wrong, I am not here to paint a negative picture of my wife, I truly do love her, I credit her entirely for being the one that showed me the light and brought me to Christ, she saved my life, I fully believe I would not be here today if it weren't for God putting her smack in front of me, (literally) one day. So I am not here to bash my wife, I'm here to seek advice from a christian perspective on this issue because I am seeing the manifestation of the built up resentment I feel from the last 6 years or so of constant rejection and growing negativity and isolation I feel from her.

Same 'ol story, It started out great when we were married, I felt secure, I knew in my heart of hearts that she truly desired me in every way, she wanted to be with me, and she showed it. She was fun, fairly spontaneous, seemed to enjoy everything about being with me. But things started to sort of "cool off" for her, I thought nothing of it.

Fast forward, 2 years after marriage we got pregnant (totally planned), the day we confirmed the pregnancy, everything started downhill and has gone that way ever since. Its like she switched to "mommy mode" and apparently that takes precedence over the husbands needs, it has come to the point that she gets upset that I even want to talk about my problems, and if I so much as mention the words "touch", or "physical", or "sex", she gets extremely angry and accuses me of being oversexed, "is that all you think about?"  etc etc.

More background: we do have sex, she does enjoy it when we do, orgasm and all just about every time, the problem is that she can go months at a time without the thought of sex even crossing her mind, I consider myself lucky if we do it once every 4-6 weeks, and that only happens if I work for weeks at a time to "initiate", and yes I have tried all the "things women want" such as helping out around the house, helping with the kids, flowers or gifts for no reason, etc, etc. It does absolutely no good. I never get any recognition for the things I do, but wow, I get the lectures and speeches when I miss some dishes, or forget to take the trash out, etc.

So here's my question, and I want female input as well a male...

What happened??? why does it seem a woman's desire diminishes so easily and quickly after marriage? I have never cheated, I am still in good physical shape, I keep myself very well groomed, I tell her I love her and I tell her how incredibly gorgeous I think she is because...wow!, she really is quite gorgeous. I tell her constantly. she uses all the excuses, "I'm tired", "you don't know what I do all day", (shes a stay at home mom) "I've gained weight," I don't like my body anymore", etc etc...shes only gained maybe 25-30 lbs since children, doesn't bother me in the least. She has also lost most of that weight a few months ago, she has always told me, "if I could lose even 15 or 20 lbs, you'll see..guess what....nothing...
By the way, before all the posts start to arrive about "ohhh...kids! theres the problem, kids are hard"... don't bother going there because I know first hand the rigors of caring for kids at home, Ive done it. Yes its hard sometimes, but I am never so tired as to reject being with my wife. I just cant take any more daily rejection, but on the other hand I am absolutely not going to break up my family over this issue, nor am I going to have an affair or anything like that, the other side of it is, I am also not willing to spent the rest of my life with someone who just isn't all that intersted anymore...


HELP!

I have gone through this in My own marriage. (I am a Man)

For a man, stimulation can be as simple as Sight, just seeing your wife, dressing for bed, can be stimulation enough.
But the feamle creature is much more complex than we are. A woman, needs to feel loved and needed.

So, my first thought is STOP approaching her for sex or to seek her attention. Make her long for you. By showing your adoration of her.
Bring flowers, and a card...Give her a peck on the cheek and tell her how much she means to you....Then go, out of your way to ease her burden at home....And with your baby.
Make it a point to let her go out with the girls and offer to watch the baby.
STOP putting your needs above hers......Put her needs first or she will never want to put your needs ahead of her own.
I dealt with this, in my own marriage, and we fell apart for some time....It wasn't until I thought I could lose her, when I began to understand her needs.

Just a guess, based on what you wrote......You are doing the same thing I did......All you are worried about is what you need from her, instead of what she needs form you........When you hold her, she KNOWS, you only want one thing from her.......Try holding her and not ask for anything in return.

Just my 2 cents worth

[sopranette]

Here's the thing with some women.  Some women think that even something simple like a hug or a caress from them means they are ready for sex...now.  Sometimes she will be afraid that even a little display of affection will mean that she will have to perform.  When you hug her, is that really enough, or is it a strong hint that you want something more? Does that make sense?

love,

Sopranette

[chosenone]

I think that you two really need some outside help. Physical touch is very important in a marriage and so is sex. It sort of sounds as if you are getting all the negatives in  marriage such as having to do loads of things and none of the positives such as physical affection and sexual intimacy.
To have to go 6 weeks without sex isnt right. the Bible tells us not to withhold sex from your spouse unless it is for prayer. Even if she doesnt feel like it she maybe should make the effort for your sake and not just wait till one day she may actually 'feel' like sex.
By the way in case you thnk I am seeing this only from a mans point of view, I am actually a female.
If my husband wanted sex I would never refuse him unless I was ill or something. it is part of my being his wife and a very important part of the marriage.
This situation sounds as if it may not get better unless you take the decision to speak to her and do something about it together.

Your wife sounds very much like my husbands ex wife, very selfish, never giving and always taking. She also controlled their sex life and he could never initiate anything unless she wanted to. In the end, he almsot gave up asking.
Marriage is all about giving as well as having some of our own needs met. Would she read the book called The five love languages? it is a very good book and may help you a but but you may need some outside help to come to some sort of agreement which will work for you.

[806jjbz]

ok, I have tried all you are suggesting, I do not approach her constantly, but on the other hand if I were to really really go (which I have done in the past)with the whole"dont approach her, let her come to/long for you" scenario, we literally would have sex maybe once or twice a year, my point I was trying to make is this, shes just not all that interested anymore, period. No matter how well I meet her needs she just doesnt need or want the physical part of a relationship, and she simply does not see that as a genuine problem.
I do adore her and she knows it, I do ease her burdens at home, BTW, our "baby" is almost four, and I take them out with me all the time so she can have some alone time, that does no good either, just lets her get to sleep faster...I do all of the above and genuinely so, but still, just a ho-hum reaction that she forgets about in about an hour or so. I do put her needs first, but I'm telling you, shes just not interested in my needs if they are physical.

And above all else I am not only worried about what I want, what I want is for her to be happy...I just want us to be young while we still are.


Sorry for the rant, and I do appreciate your input.

[806jjbz]

Here's the thing with some women.  Some women think that even something simple like a hug or a caress from them means they are ready for sex...now.  Sometimes she will be afraid that even a little display of affection will mean that she will have to perform.  When you hug her, is that really enough, or is it a strong hint that you want something more? Does that make sense?

love,

Sopranette

Yes that makes total sense, and yes I just want a hug..seriously, just a hug, but...nothing, or a grudging hug, which is worse than nothing.

[sopranette]

Then maybe you should tell her so.  That would be wonderfully romantic.

love,

Sopranette

[806jjbz]

I think that you two really need some outside help. Physical touch is very important in a marriage and so is sex. It sort of sounds as if you are getting all the negatives in  marriage such as having to do loads of things and none of the positives such as physical affection and sexual intimacy.
To have to go 6 weeks without sex isnt right. the Bible tells us not to withhold sex from your spouse unless it is for prayer. Even if she doesnt feel like it she maybe should make the effort for your sake and not just wait till one day she may actually 'feel' like sex.
By the way in case you thnk I am seeing this only from a mans point of view, I am actually a female.
If my husband wanted sex I would never refuse him unless I was ill or something. it is part of my being his wife and a very important part of the marriage.
This situation sounds as if it may not get better unless you take the decision to speak to her and do something about it together.

Your wife sounds very much like my husbands ex wife, very selfish, never giving and always taking. She also controlled their sex life and he could never initiate anything unless she wanted to. In the end, he almsot gave up asking.
Marriage is all about giving as well as having some of our own needs met. Would she read the book called The five love languages? it is a very good book and may help you a but but you may need some outside help to come to some sort of agreement which will work for you.

We have read the book, she just gets upset, and thus is unwilling to budge because my love language is physical touch...

[806jjbz]

Then maybe you should tell her so.  That would be wonderfully romantic.

love,

Sopranette

I have tried that too, she doesnt find it romantic, it just passes in one ear and out the other....

[sopranette]

Keep trying, and never let your disappointment show.  Having a child takes a huge toll on a woman emotionally, maybe she feels like she has too much hanging on to her emotionally?

love,

Sopranette 

[806jjbz]

Keep trying, and never let your disappointment show.  Having a child takes a huge toll on a woman emotionally, maybe she feels like she has too much hanging on to her emotionally?

love,

Sopranette 

Wow, well, its a bit too late for the "dont let your dissapointment show" part, I cant help it anymore, I'm SO frustrated with the whole situation as I said in a previous post that it has begun manifesting itself in my mood, my physical body, attitude, etc..

What do you mean too much hanging on her emotionaly? are you talking children? Our 2 daughters are pretty easy and loving, not very emotionaly draining.

[sopranette]

Children just do take an emotional toll on a woman, no matter how good they are.  We worry, we fuss, we get frustrated.  I'm sure it's the same for fathers.  Now we are responsible for another person's life.  The disappointment in her part, well....the last person I want to make love to is someone who is disappointed in me.  You know?  Pouting is not the sexist thing in a man.  Just sayin'.

love,

Sopranette

[Charles Sloan]

Pouting is not the sexist thing in a man.

You've never seen me pout then.

[806jjbz]

Children just do take an emotional toll on a woman, no matter how good they are.  We worry, we fuss, we get frustrated.  I'm sure it's the same for fathers.  Now we are responsible for another person's life.  The disappointment in her part, well....the last person I want to make love to is someone who is disappointed in me.  You know?  Pouting is not the sexist thing in a man.  Just sayin'.

love,

Sopranette

Well, I'm not dissapointed in her, I just want to know where everything went??? the spontenaity, the FUN we used to have the enjoyment we used to get from each other.
and I really really try not to "pout"...lol

She says "all that touchy feely "gotta be around you" playfulness fades with familiarity and age". Well let me tell you, It sure doesnt fade on my part, I find her far more attractive now (inside and out) than I ever did when we first met...so what gives?

[Corbley]

Keep trying, and never let your disappointment show.  Having a child takes a huge toll on a woman emotionally, maybe she feels like she has too much hanging on to her emotionally?

love,

Sopranette 

Wow, well, its a bit too late for the "dont let your dissapointment show" part, I cant help it anymore, I'm SO frustrated with the whole situation as I said in a previous post that it has begun manifesting itself in my mood, my physical body, attitude, etc..

What do you mean too much hanging on her emotionaly? are you talking children? Our 2 daughters are pretty easy and loving, not very emotionaly draining.

Because, you are not worried about what she is lacking......You are only being concerned with what you are lacking.

[806jjbz]

Keep trying, and never let your disappointment show.  Having a child takes a huge toll on a woman emotionally, maybe she feels like she has too much hanging on to her emotionally?

love,

Sopranette 

Wow, well, its a bit too late for the "dont let your dissapointment show" part, I cant help it anymore, I'm SO frustrated with the whole situation as I said in a previous post that it has begun manifesting itself in my mood, my physical body, attitude, etc..

What do you mean too much hanging on her emotionaly? are you talking children? Our 2 daughters are pretty easy and loving, not very emotionaly draining.

Because, you are not worried about what she is lacking......You are only being concerned with what you are lacking.

NOT true....sorry, not true....

[Bon Voyage]

I wonder how women feel when there is an emotionless marriage.  No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, no "I Love You's," etc.

I am not suggesting on holding out on your wife, but have you made it clear that you don't feel loved when you are not intimate with your wife?

[806jjbz]

I wonder how women feel when there is an emotionless marriage.  No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, no "I Love You's," etc.

I am not suggesting on holding out on your wife, but have you made it clear that you don't feel loved when you are not intimate with your wife?

Yes I have made it abundantly clear in the nicest ways possible, she just gives me the usual eye roll with the phrase "ughh, is that all you think about"?

I agree, I have been seriously thinking about doing that, but do I really want that? As I said in a previous post I have tried the whole "dont ask, mention, hint at anything" scenario, all that accomplished was giving her a several month break from having to do anything physical..nothing changed. 

[Corbley]

Keep trying, and never let your disappointment show.  Having a child takes a huge toll on a woman emotionally, maybe she feels like she has too much hanging on to her emotionally?

love,

Sopranette 

Wow, well, its a bit too late for the "dont let your dissapointment show" part, I cant help it anymore, I'm SO frustrated with the whole situation as I said in a previous post that it has begun manifesting itself in my mood, my physical body, attitude, etc..

What do you mean too much hanging on her emotionally? are you talking children? Our 2 daughters are pretty easy and loving, not very emotionally draining.

Because, you are not worried about what she is lacking......You are only being concerned with what you are lacking.

NOT true....sorry, not true....

Perhaps, that is not what you feel,  But MAYBE it is what she perceives?

[Bon Voyage]

I wonder how women feel when there is an emotionless marriage.  No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, no "I Love You's," etc.

I am not suggesting on holding out on your wife, but have you made it clear that you don't feel loved when you are not intimate with your wife?

Yes I have made it abundantly clear in the nicest ways possible, she just gives me the usual eye roll with the phrase "ughh, is that all you think about"?

I agree, I have been seriously thinking about doing that, but do I really want that? As I said in a previous post I have tried the whole "dont ask, mention, hint at anything" scenario, all that accomplished was giving her a several month break from having to do anything physical..nothing changed. 

Have you tried buying her a book like "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldahn?

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226527554&sr=8-1

[806jjbz]

I wonder how women feel when there is an emotionless marriage.  No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, no "I Love You's," etc.

I am not suggesting on holding out on your wife, but have you made it clear that you don't feel loved when you are not intimate with your wife?

Yes I have made it abundantly clear in the nicest ways possible, she just gives me the usual eye roll with the phrase "ughh, is that all you think about"?

I agree, I have been seriously thinking about doing that, but do I really want that? As I said in a previous post I have tried the whole "dont ask, mention, hint at anything" scenario, all that accomplished was giving her a several month break from having to do anything physical..nothing changed. 

Have you tried buying her a book like "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldahn?

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226527554&sr=8-1

Thanks, I might try that book.

[sopranette]

Colossians 3:18

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.

love,

Sopranette

[His Princess]

I don't know what's up with this but it seems to be some kind of epidemic in the church, as well as out in the world.  You have no idea how many men my husband and I know and hear of that have the exact same problem as you.  (But you'd think Christian wives would know better!)

All I can say is that she's wrong to be ignoring your needs like this.  It sounds like you have, indeed, tried talking to her about it, you've been patient, you've done all the right things.

The only thing I can suggest is that perhaps you talk to your pastor ALONE and tell him everything.  I think he should get an older, trusted, godly woman in the church to talk to your wife.  I don't think any kind of "couples" counseling should occur, at least not in the very beginning because i have a strong feeling you'd end up getting bashed.

Talk to your pastor about it and see if something like this could be arranged.

And, yes, I agree with Sopranette just below me.

[chosenone]

I think that you two really need some outside help. Physical touch is very important in a marriage and so is sex. It sort of sounds as if you are getting all the negatives in  marriage such as having to do loads of things and none of the positives such as physical affection and sexual intimacy.
To have to go 6 weeks without sex isnt right. the Bible tells us not to withhold sex from your spouse unless it is for prayer. Even if she doesnt feel like it she maybe should make the effort for your sake and not just wait till one day she may actually 'feel' like sex.
By the way in case you thnk I am seeing this only from a mans point of view, I am actually a female.
If my husband wanted sex I would never refuse him unless I was ill or something. it is part of my being his wife and a very important part of the marriage.
This situation sounds as if it may not get better unless you take the decision to speak to her and do something about it together.

Your wife sounds very much like my husbands ex wife, very selfish, never giving and always taking. She also controlled their sex life and he could never initiate anything unless she wanted to. In the end, he almsot gave up asking.
Marriage is all about giving as well as having some of our own needs met. Would she read the book called The five love languages? it is a very good book and may help you a but but you may need some outside help to come to some sort of agreement which will work for you.

We have read the book, she just gets upset, and thus is unwilling to budge because my love language is physical touch...

yes I was pretty sure it was, and that is why I suggested that you get her to read it so that she may be able to see in black and white what she needs to do.
For whatever reason then, she clearly knows how very important touch is to you, but still refuses to do any of it, and that, in my opinion is selfish. The whole point of that book is to find out what our spouse needs to feel loved, and make sure we give that to them, but in your case I can totally understand your frustration and unhappiness with this situation. Even if she doesnt feel like sex, she needs to think of you sometimes and not herself and what you need.
I supose it comes down to whether she is just being very selfish or whether there are deeper problems in her as to why  she wont do this. Either way, maybe you need to be firm and say that this really cant go on and that you both need some sort of help where you can see A Christian marriage counsellor togather.

Part of the reason we are told not to withhold sex, is to avoid any sexual temptation for either spouse, and while you say you would never have an affair or anything, what if this situation were to go on another 5 years, or ten, how long could you go on like this?Please talk to her about getting help.

[chosenone]

I don't know what's up with this but it seems to be some kind of epidemic in the church, as well as out in the world.  You have no idea how many men my husband and I know and hear of that have the exact same problem as you.  (But you'd think Christian wives would know better!)

All I can say is that she's wrong to be ignoring your needs like this.  It sounds like you have, indeed, tried talking to her about it, you've been patient, you've done all the right things.

The only thing I can suggest is that perhaps you talk to your pastor ALONE and tell him everything.  I think he should get an older, trusted, godly woman in the church to talk to your wife.  I don't think any kind of "couples" counseling should occur, at least not in the very beginning because i have a strong feeling you'd end up getting bashed.

Talk to your pastor about it and see if something like this could be arranged.

And, yes, I agree with Sopranette just below me.

I agree with this, about the epidemic and how common this seems to be. If a women acts this way, how can she then be surprised when years later  her husband has been unfaithful? Of course I am not saying that this is right, it isnt, but in some cases it is understandable when a wife wont let her husband have sex for months on end or even touch him in anyway. it sounds as of you are living more or less as room mates rather than husband or wife.
I feel that you have been rather unfairly treated by some on this forum when to me it sounds as if you are doing everything right, and really wanting to be able to love your wife and to feel loved. of course you are feeling bad, who wouldnt?.
This advice iabove s good I think, to maybe speak to your pastor or someone else like this who can listen to you and offer some help and advice. I suggsted counselling as I felt that this isnt going to go away on its own, but it may be a good idea for you to get a married couple to counsel you, rather than just one person who would probably be a female.

my husbands ex wife, made him feel like a sex pervert just because he asked for sex sometimes and this destroys a man, who only wants to be intimate with his wife and would never be unfaithful. it makes me so sad and is so wrong.To be rejected so often is very damaging for anyone, and eventually you may feel like not bothering anymore and withdraw emotionally as my husband did with his ex. Then she complained that he wasnt meeting her 'emotional' needs.

Selfishness is rife in marriage. no wonder so many are failing. 

[Imabear]

Pouting is not the sexist thing in a man.

You've never seen me pout then.

Soapy, I'm confused, is that supposed to be sexist or sexiest?

806jjbz, As a woman, I can relate to your wife a bit.  When my daughter was born, it took a lot out of me.  My situation was a little different because when my daughter was about 18 months old, I had a miscarriage that swung me into a deeper depression.  My husband was very impatient with me. 
He was used to me being there for him emotionally in a way that I couldn't be at that time. 
(I don't think I ever let him go weeks without... but I had NO desire and turned him down way too often.)
He often expressed his anger toward me, which made me want to pull back even more.
Then the story gets a bit more complicated, and I'll skip over that part, but we ended up separating for 15 months.

At the end of 15 months we decided that we weren't sure we wanted to reunite, but we decided to go to a week long intensive counseling program.  Again the story is very complicated... He was vacillating all over the place.

Eventually he moved back in with me.  This all happened years ago.  My daughter is now 16.  I can tell you now that our marriage is better than ever.  I'm not sure how much of my problem was hormonal vs. just being run-down and tired, vs. depression, vs. me feeling so hurt about the way he just didn't seem to care about me.  (My hubby has some mental health issues that have added to our story and made it much more complicated.)

Also, I agree with Gary about the book, I was going to recommend the same one.  There is one for men too.  I think you should read it.   

Your wife isn't on any meds is she?  Antidepressants made me into a totally sexless creature, taking away much more than just my desire...

[sopranette]

Ooops, you're right, w8ing. It's supposed to be the "sexiest".  Butterfingers strikes again!  On another note, I don't think I was being unkind to 806jjbz.  I wouldn't know him if I bumped into him on the street.  I was just giving a possible suggestion from a woman's point of view.  Maybe the wife is just plain out and out cold....I don't know.

love,

Sopranette

[Imabear]

Some additional notes:
If I'm overly tired, stressed or feeling hurt or angry, I just can't get into sex.
Make-up sex doesn't work for me.  (Fortunately, I don't stay angry long.)
 
In addition to getting the books by Shaunti, which Gary brought up,
(http://www.shaunti.com/BooksStudies/tabid/123/Default.aspx)
how about a romantic get-away weekend?
how about a marriage encounter or enrichment weekend?
There are lots of different ones out there, here are a few links:
http://encounter.org/me.htm
http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3204559/k.F5BB/Attend_a_conference.htm?DCMP=BAC-EMG+HP+WTR+Link&ATT=BoxLink
If you google "marriage encounter" you will see lots of others besides the couple that I listed..

In a recent message our pastor said that he and his wife go on one of these weekends every year or two, even though their marriage is strong.  They want to keep it that way.

[His Princess]

The weekend getaway is a good idea in and of itself, however, I suspect if he did that, his wife would think he was doing it only to get sex.  If he completely stayed away from any mention or move toward sex during or after the weekend, then things would be exactly the same for him after the weekend as it was before.  The bottom line is:  she just flat out isn't interested in sex.

[806jjbz]

The weekend getaway is a good idea in and of itself, however, I suspect if he did that, his wife would think he was doing it only to get sex.  If he completely stayed away from any mention or move toward sex during or after the weekend, then things would be exactly the same for him after the weekend as it was before.  The bottom line is:  she just flat out isn't interested in sex.

Wow...I was just going to cut and paste your post to answer the previous post, you are spot on, she would totally think a weekend getaway was an elaborate play for sex, and your spot on with your last statement (well...mostly). She does like it very much when we do it, but yes, bottom line is, she just isnt into it much.

[806jjbz]

I don't know what's up with this but it seems to be some kind of epidemic in the church, as well as out in the world.  You have no idea how many men my husband and I know and hear of that have the exact same problem as you.  (But you'd think Christian wives would know better!)

All I can say is that she's wrong to be ignoring your needs like this.  It sounds like you have, indeed, tried talking to her about it, you've been patient, you've done all the right things.

The only thing I can suggest is that perhaps you talk to your pastor ALONE and tell him everything.  I think he should get an older, trusted, godly woman in the church to talk to your wife.  I don't think any kind of "couples" counseling should occur, at least not in the very beginning because i have a strong feeling you'd end up getting bashed.

Talk to your pastor about it and see if something like this could be arranged.

And, yes, I agree with Sopranette just below me.

I agree with this, about the epidemic and how common this seems to be. If a women acts this way, how can she then be surprised when years later  her husband has been unfaithful? Of course I am not saying that this is right, it isnt, but in some cases it is understandable when a wife wont let her husband have sex for months on end or even touch him in anyway. it sounds as of you are living more or less as room mates rather than husband or wife.
I feel that you have been rather unfairly treated by some on this forum when to me it sounds as if you are doing everything right, and really wanting to be able to love your wife and to feel loved. of course you are feeling bad, who wouldnt?.
This advice iabove s good I think, to maybe speak to your pastor or someone else like this who can listen to you and offer some help and advice. I suggsted counselling as I felt that this isnt going to go away on its own, but it may be a good idea for you to get a married couple to counsel you, rather than just one person who would probably be a female.

my husbands ex wife, made him feel like a sex pervert just because he asked for sex sometimes and this destroys a man, who only wants to be intimate with his wife and would never be unfaithful. it makes me so sad and is so wrong.To be rejected so often is very damaging for anyone, and eventually you may feel like not bothering anymore and withdraw emotionally as my husband did with his ex. Then she complained that he wasnt meeting her 'emotional' needs.

Selfishness is rife in marriage. no wonder so many are failing. 

You hit it right on when you said " I just want to be able to love my wife and feel (emotionaly) LOVED....

This is exactly what I cant get her to hear, I keep telling her that its not the physical act of sex that I desire so much as the emotional warmth of feeling and knowing your spouse loves you...!! the sex is just icing on the cake if the love and security is there..

[His Princess]

The weekend getaway is a good idea in and of itself, however, I suspect if he did that, his wife would think he was doing it only to get sex.  If he completely stayed away from any mention or move toward sex during or after the weekend, then things would be exactly the same for him after the weekend as it was before.  The bottom line is:  she just flat out isn't interested in sex.

And that's where your wife, and others like her, and I diverge.  I don't think there's anything wrong with my husband planning a weekend away so we can have some great sex!  Call me crazy, but I happen to think it's awesome that my husband wants me so much all the time.  I cannot imagine pushing his affections away.  But, again, that's just me!

Wow...I was just going to cut and paste your post to answer the previous post, you are spot on, she would totally think a weekend getaway was an elaborate play for sex, and your spot on with your last statement (well...mostly). She does like it very much when we do it, but yes, bottom line is, she just isnt into it much.

[806jjbz]

The weekend getaway is a good idea in and of itself, however, I suspect if he did that, his wife would think he was doing it only to get sex.  If he completely stayed away from any mention or move toward sex during or after the weekend, then things would be exactly the same for him after the weekend as it was before.  The bottom line is:  she just flat out isn't interested in sex.

And that's where your wife, and others like her, and I diverge.  I don't think there's anything wrong with my husband planning a weekend away so we can have some great sex!  Call me crazy, but I happen to think it's awesome that my husband wants me so much all the time.  I cannot imagine pushing his affections away.  But, again, that's just me!

Wow...I was just going to cut and paste your post to answer the previous post, you are spot on, she would totally think a weekend getaway was an elaborate play for sex, and your spot on with your last statement (well...mostly). She does like it very much when we do it, but yes, bottom line is, she just isnt into it much.

gee...maybe you should talk to her...lol