passionate-less, sex-less christian marriage....

[His Princess]

The weekend getaway is a good idea in and of itself, however, I suspect if he did that, his wife would think he was doing it only to get sex.  If he completely stayed away from any mention or move toward sex during or after the weekend, then things would be exactly the same for him after the weekend as it was before.  The bottom line is:  she just flat out isn't interested in sex.

And that's where your wife, and others like her, and I diverge.  I don't think there's anything wrong with my husband planning a weekend away so we can have some great sex!  Call me crazy, but I happen to think it's awesome that my husband wants me so much all the time.  I cannot imagine pushing his affections away.  But, again, that's just me!

Wow...I was just going to cut and paste your post to answer the previous post, you are spot on, she would totally think a weekend getaway was an elaborate play for sex, and your spot on with your last statement (well...mostly). She does like it very much when we do it, but yes, bottom line is, she just isnt into it much.

gee...maybe you should talk to her...lol

I'd love to talk to wives like this.  I've actually been considering writing some articles on the subject or something.

[Imabear]

Some more scattered thoughts: 
About the get -way weekend, I hear you, but I do think that getting her "away" might be what she needs.

I'm thinking she may have a need that isn't being met right now.
That's why I reccommended the "marriage encounter" type weekend.

One of the keys goals of those weekends is to rekindle that spark that is in the relationship before.
You spend a lot of time thinking about what you appreciate about your spouse... and sharing that information with them in a structured environment. 

Another thing would be for her to have a good medical check up.  This would be hard to accomplish though, because it seems she doesn't think she has a problem. 

I'm also not sure how giving her a book to read would work.  That's why I suggested you also read the book for men.  If my husband asked me to read a book... I'd probably resent it.  I happened to pick that book up on my own, and I LOVED it.

I do think it might be good for her to get involved with a good women's support group.  A group for moms with young children.  Does your church have anything like that?

[Bon Voyage]

Another video series/book I would recommend is the "Love & Respect" series by Emerson Eggerichs. 

It's quite possible that your wife believes she is being loving, but doesn't quite understand she isn't meeting your needs, because she doesn't understand your needs.

[Imabear]

Another video series/book I would recommend is the "Love & Respect" series by Emerson Eggerichs. 

It's quite possible that your wife believes she is being loving, but doesn't quite understand she isn't meeting your needs, because she doesn't understand your needs.

My sister really liked that book/video series and emailed me her notes. 
I really didn't care for what she had listed in her notes, but our situations are very different than eachother.  She's a stay at home, home-schooling mom.  I am the chief breadwinner for my family. 
(Not by choice.)
Some books written for Christian marriages... just don't seem to fit my situation, and I end up feeling resentful towards hubby when I read them.  A resentful wife is not a good thing. :)

A agree with Gary though that she probably doesn't understand your needs, and there is a chance you don't understand hers.

[His Princess]

I still think she just flat out doesn't want to do it, nothing much deeper than that.  Didn't he explain how he did all these many, different things for her, all the "right" things,  with no appreciation, and then I think he said something like if he forgets to wash a dish or something, she's all over him.  I hope I'm remembering right.  I'm not necessarily disagreeing with any of you guys and your suggestions, it's just that my hub and I have talked with sooo many couples where the husband says the exact same thing that this man is saying, and at the end of the day, that's what it boils down to.  She just doesn't want to do it. 

I think a lot of wives have the wrong idea about sex in marriage.  A lot of them think the husband has to "earn" it.  If he's not good enough, he's not getting it.  I tend to beleive more in what it says in Corinthians, you all know the passage I'm talking about.

Please don't anyone think I'm being contentious, not trying to be, just giving my thoughts from my perspecitve!!

[chosenone]

I still think she just flat out doesn't want to do it, nothing much deeper than that.  Didn't he explain how he did all these many, different things for her, all the "right" things,  with no appreciation, and then I think he said something like if he forgets to wash a dish or something, she's all over him.  I hope I'm remembering right.  I'm not necessarily disagreeing with any of you guys and your suggestions, it's just that my hub and I have talked with sooo many couples where the husband says the exact same thing that this man is saying, and at the end of the day, that's what it boils down to.  She just doesn't want to do it. 

I think a lot of wives have the wrong idea about sex in marriage.  A lot of them think the husband has to "earn" it.  If he's not good enough, he's not getting it.  I tend to believe more in what it says in Corinthians, you all know the passage I'm talking about.

Please don't anyone think I'm being contentious, not trying to be, just giving my thoughts from my perspecitve!!

This is how I see it too. I dont think that anything he does for her is going to make any difference. We are clearly told not to stop having sex with our spouses, and what may happen if we do.We are told that our bodies are not our own but that they belong to each other. She may not 'feel' like having sex or touching or anything, but that doesnt mean that she cant do it for her husbands sake.   

[His Princess]

I still think she just flat out doesn't want to do it, nothing much deeper than that.  Didn't he explain how he did all these many, different things for her, all the "right" things,  with no appreciation, and then I think he said something like if he forgets to wash a dish or something, she's all over him.  I hope I'm remembering right.  I'm not necessarily disagreeing with any of you guys and your suggestions, it's just that my hub and I have talked with sooo many couples where the husband says the exact same thing that this man is saying, and at the end of the day, that's what it boils down to.  She just doesn't want to do it. 

I think a lot of wives have the wrong idea about sex in marriage.  A lot of them think the husband has to "earn" it.  If he's not good enough, he's not getting it.  I tend to believe more in what it says in Corinthians, you all know the passage I'm talking about.

Please don't anyone think I'm being contentious, not trying to be, just giving my thoughts from my perspecitve!!

This is how I see it too. I dont think that anything he does for her is going to make any difference. We are clearly told not to stop having sex with our spouses, and what may happen if we do.We are told that our bodies are not our own but that they belong to each other. She may not 'feel' like having sex or touching or anything, but that doesnt mean that she cant do it for her husbands sake.  

Obviously, I agree totally!!  I don't understand wives who do this to their husbands, whom they supposedly love.  And one other thing I'd like to comment on, what is this Love Languages stuff I keep hearing about?  I know it's by a well know, respected Christian author, and please note that I am saying flat out there is absolutely nothing wrong with the concept and I am certain there are very, very good ideas in that book BUT people act like it's God-breathed Scripture, for goodness sake!!  Let's get back to Scripture and loving each other the way we are supposed to!

I know a lot of people talk about the love languages thing, Iam totally not criticizing it at all.  I just think people need to realize while it's a great idea, it's not like it's Scripture or something.

[Imabear]

Princess.,
I've been there many times when I just didn't want to do it.
I think there may be valid reasons that she doesn't want to. 
If we love someone, and have made a commitment to them, we will do things (within reason) whether we want to or not. 
We are commanded to love and respect, whether we want to or not. 

I'm just suggesting she may have her own needs that aren't being met.
I do think that counseling or a marraige retreat may help. 

[His Princess]

Princess.,
I've been there many times when I just didn't want to do it.
I think there may be valid reasons that she doesn't want to. 
If we love someone, and have made a commitment to them, we will do things (within reason) whether we want to or not. 
We are commanded to love and respect, whether we want to or not. 

I'm just suggesting she may have her own needs that aren't being met.
I do think that counseling or a marraige retreat may help. 

It sure can't hurt!  You never know!

[admin]

I'd like to wholeheartedly reccommend the seminar that's discussed at http://www.marriagesaver.com. Take a look, it can be a marriage saver!

[806jjbz]

Everyone:

thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo...

Still not sure what to do in the meantime...

Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....

Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?

[His Princess]

Everyone:

thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo...

Still not sure what to do in the meantime...

Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....

Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?

I believe you "earned" it the day you put the ring on her finger.  I wonder how she would feel if you decided that you didn't "feel" like going to work, or that you would only work if she jumped through a dozen hoops to get you in the mood to go to work?  If a man decides he doesn't want to work, he's called a bum.  But if a woman decides she doesn't have to be intimate with her husband.....that's okay. 

When you're in a Christian marriage, there is ONE place a man is supposed to go for sex/intimacy and that's his wife.  Now if the wife decides she doesn't want to do it, then it puts the husband in a very bad position.   He can't go elsewhere, but she won't provide it for him, so what is he supposed to do? 

ALSO, the husband is supposed to be monogamous, but his wife pushes him away.  Again, what is he supposed to do??

[chosenone]

Everyone:

thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo...

Still not sure what to do in the meantime...

Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....

Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?

wow, you mean that she actually tells you that if you arent 'good' enough you wont be able to have sex???that is one controlling lady. that is a terrible way to treat anyone. Goodness what does she think she is doing!!!!!
I hope that counselling helps anyway but it sounds as is she need to make some very very big changes unless she wants to ruin everything you have together. 

[806jjbz]

Everyone:

thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo...

Still not sure what to do in the meantime...

Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....

Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?

wow, you mean that she actually tells you that if you arent 'good' enough you wont be able to have sex???that is one controlling lady. that is a terrible way to treat anyone. Goodness what does she think she is doing!!!!!
I hope that counselling helps anyway but it sounds as is she need to make some very very big changes unless she wants to ruin everything you have together. 

Yes she actually says that, its always kind of half-jokingly, but you know what they say about there always being some truth to "jokes"

[zoonance]

I wouldn't want any.

Everyone:

thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo...

Still not sure what to do in the meantime...

Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....

Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?

Yes it makes sense, and - to be honest - I wouldn't want any of her either for that matter.  Not to be too blunt, especially without all the facts and due to my only rapidly peeking at the posts - sounds like she is getting it on the side.  Perhaps that is why she ain't in the mood... now.  (Granted, I may be way off!)

[806jjbz]

I wouldn't want any.

Everyone:

thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo...

Still not sure what to do in the meantime...

Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....

Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?

Yes it makes sense, and - to be honest - I wouldn't want any of her either for that matter.  Not to be too blunt, especially without all the facts and due to my only rapidly peeking at the posts - sounds like she is getting it on the side.  Perhaps that is why she ain't in the mood... now.  (Granted, I may be way off!)

Yeah, your'e way off, beleive me, shes NOT the "on the side" type, If I know anything about her character and inner person, that would be it..

[Imabear]

Back when we were having our issues, I had no desire.  Hubby was sure I must be getting it elsewhere, accused me of such.  His accusing me didn't help with my desire issues at all and in part led to our separation.

[Mac]

I would like to make  a couple of comments about your situation.

One, I have been through this before. I was the "trophy" husband I guess you could say. Successful, very stable, codependent personality (giver), etc...But after we were married, things definitely changed. The challenge was over for her I guess. It was a very miserable existence for me. 10 years living like that. TEN years..And no, it never got better. And no, I never and would have never divorced her. She left me (several times) for another man.

Two, as some of the others have pointed out, she is very selfish. Period.
As far the others telling you to basically "accept" it and concentrate on her needs, well, I have been there done that and all that will get you is months of no sex and she gets a vacation from her daily life. Let me guess. You have spent MANY days and nights cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids and being a "beck and call service" center for your wife. Only to be told over and over, "I am not in the mood. Gosh, what is wrong with you?" Now, if I am wrong and you have had a "I cold care less about her feelings" attitude, all bets are off and my post is all for naught. But I do not think that is the deal here. Marriage is give and take. Unless others have been in a relationship with an "all taker" type person, they do not understand. You can give the world to these types of people and it will mean nothing. They are a "what have you done for me today" type. Your whole body of work doesn't make any difference.

Let me be the first to say that having sex every 6-8 weeks is bull. She may not see it as a problem but it is. The bible is very clear about this subject. What is her opinion on the biblical scriptures about marriage? Ephesians, Colossians, Corinthians, etc... I find it very strange that a dedicated Christian woman would treat her husband like this. I'm sorry, but I do not get it.

Yeah, your'e way off, believe me, shes NOT the "on the side" type, If I know anything about her character and inner person, that would be it..

About the quote above, I said the same thing when I was married to my first wife. Well, she wasn't a "on the side type" either but she was definitely "getting it" on the side. Human are very "physical" creatures. I have never seen a situation where a NORMAL woman or man has no sex drive. With in reasonable ages of course. They are either fulfilling their desire out side of the confines of marriage or they have a mental/medical condition that is undiagnosed. I have NEVER seen any other case.

I will pray for you two. I hope you can get some counseling and possibly she can seek medical help to see what the problem is. But I have definitely been there, done that. I feel for you buddy. Stay strong. Put it at the Lords feet. Stay in prayer.

But there is nothing wrong with you expressing you feelings of rejection to your wife either. She should feel uncomfortable about this situation. You do!

[His Princess]

I would like to make  a couple of comments about your situation.

One, I have been through this before. I was the "trophy" husband I guess you could say. Successful, very stable, codependent personality (giver), etc...But after we were married, things definitely changed. The challenge was over for her I guess. It was a very miserable existence for me. 10 years living like that. TEN years..And no, it never got better. And no, I never and would have never divorced her. She left me (several times) for another man.

Two, as some of the others have pointed out, she is very selfish. Period.
As far the others telling you to basically "accept" it and concentrate on her needs, well, I have been there done that and all that will get you is months of no sex and she gets a vacation from her daily life. Let me guess. You have spent MANY days and nights cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids and being a "beck and call service" center for your wife. Only to be told over and over, "I am not in the mood. Gosh, what is wrong with you?" Now, if I am wrong and you have had a "I cold care less about her feelings" attitude, all bets are off and my post is all for naught. But I do not think that is the deal here. Marriage is give and take. Unless others have been in a relationship with an "all taker" type person, they do not understand. You can give the world to these types of people and it will mean nothing. They are a "what have you done for me today" type. Your whole body of work doesn't make any difference.

Let me be the first to say that having sex every 6-8 weeks is bull. She may not see it as a problem but it is. The bible is very clear about this subject. What is her opinion on the biblical scriptures about marriage? Ephesians, Colossians, Corinthians, etc... I find it very strange that a dedicated Christian woman would treat her husband like this. I'm sorry, but I do not get it.

Yeah, your'e way off, believe me, shes NOT the "on the side" type, If I know anything about her character and inner person, that would be it..

About the quote above, I said the same thing when I was married to my first wife. Well, she wasn't a "on the side type" either but she was definitely "getting it" on the side. Human are very "physical" creatures. I have never seen a situation where a NORMAL woman or man has no sex drive. With in reasonable ages of course. They are either fulfilling their desire out side of the confines of marriage or they have a mental/medical condition that is undiagnosed. I have NEVER seen any other case.

I will pray for you two. I hope you can get some counseling and possibly she can seek medical help to see what the problem is. But I have definitely been there, done that. I feel for you buddy. Stay strong. Put it at the Lords feet. Stay in prayer.

But there is nothing wrong with you expressing you feelings of rejection to your wife either. She should feel uncomfortable about this situation. You do!

Wow, you are very well spoken.  Even though this isn't my particular problem, I thank you for sharing your story, I hope it's an inspiration to other men in this situation.  I agree with everything you said, esp. the part about him jumping through all these hoops for her in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he'll get to have sex with her.  I say this all the time.  When a wife is like this, it doesn't matter how romantic he is, how much of her "love language" he speaks, how much money he makes, how much he does around the house, etc, etc, it will NOT change anything!  Sadly, people often think the husband must be a real jerk or something.

Also, I hope you have found, or will find, the love of a really GOOD woman, a wife who will love you the way you deserve.  It's a beautiful thing to have a marriage like that.  Thanks again for sharing your story.

[Imabear]

Mac,   I do respect you, and I agree that she is being very selfish. 
BUT, I will also say that I have gone through a period of time like that after my daughter was born and after my miscarriage when I had absolutely no desire.  NONE.  The whole idea of sex was repulsive to me.  I wasn't getting it anywhere else.  And having my hubby assume that I was and accuse me of that made matters worse.  No, I didn't make him go weeks without either, but I did turn him down way more often then I should have.  I did go on an antidepressant, but that just made things worse. 
I think part of the problem was that I was overwhelmed with the task of being a mom... It was a lot more tiring/difficult than I thought it would be. 

[His Princess]

Mac,   I do respect you, and I agree that she is being very selfish. 
BUT, I will also say that I have gone through a period of time like that after my daughter was born and after my miscarriage when I had absolutely no desire.  NONE.  The whole idea of sex was repulsive to me.  I wasn't getting it anywhere else.  And having my hubby assume that I was and accuse me of that made matters worse.  No, I didn't make him go weeks without either, but I did turn him down way more often then I should have.  I did go on an antidepressant, but that just made things worse. 
I think part of the problem was that I was overwhelmed with the task of being a mom... It was a lot more tiring/difficult than I thought it would be. 

So I wonder if this guy's wife has had a recent miscarriage? 

[806jjbz]

I would like to make  a couple of comments about your situation.

One, I have been through this before. I was the "trophy" husband I guess you could say. Successful, very stable, codependent personality (giver), etc...But after we were married, things definitely changed. The challenge was over for her I guess. It was a very miserable existence for me. 10 years living like that. TEN years..And no, it never got better. And no, I never and would have never divorced her. She left me (several times) for another man.

Two, as some of the others have pointed out, she is very selfish. Period.
As far the others telling you to basically "accept" it and concentrate on her needs, well, I have been there done that and all that will get you is months of no sex and she gets a vacation from her daily life. Let me guess. You have spent MANY days and nights cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids and being a "beck and call service" center for your wife. Only to be told over and over, "I am not in the mood. Gosh, what is wrong with you?" Now, if I am wrong and you have had a "I cold care less about her feelings" attitude, all bets are off and my post is all for naught. But I do not think that is the deal here. Marriage is give and take. Unless others have been in a relationship with an "all taker" type person, they do not understand. You can give the world to these types of people and it will mean nothing. They are a "what have you done for me today" type. Your whole body of work doesn't make any difference.

Let me be the first to say that having sex every 6-8 weeks is bull. She may not see it as a problem but it is. The bible is very clear about this subject. What is her opinion on the biblical scriptures about marriage? Ephesians, Colossians, Corinthians, etc... I find it very strange that a dedicated Christian woman would treat her husband like this. I'm sorry, but I do not get it.

Yeah, your'e way off, believe me, shes NOT the "on the side" type, If I know anything about her character and inner person, that would be it..

About the quote above, I said the same thing when I was married to my first wife. Well, she wasn't a "on the side type" either but she was definitely "getting it" on the side. Human are very "physical" creatures. I have never seen a situation where a NORMAL woman or man has no sex drive. With in reasonable ages of course. They are either fulfilling their desire out side of the confines of marriage or they have a mental/medical condition that is undiagnosed. I have NEVER seen any other case.

I will pray for you two. I hope you can get some counseling and possibly she can seek medical help to see what the problem is. But I have definitely been there, done that. I feel for you buddy. Stay strong. Put it at the Lords feet. Stay in prayer.

But there is nothing wrong with you expressing you feelings of rejection to your wife either. She should feel uncomfortable about this situation. You do!

Wow MAC, you must be a fly on the wall in my house!
Everything you said is spot on. yes, "accepting" it and comcentrating on her needs does nothing but give here a break from everything, and noths on end of no sex for me, it changes nothing.

And, your guess is spot on too. Here's a typical day for me, I get up at 6:30 am, I go into my daughters room to wake her up for school, try to get myself ready and my daughter ready, fed, hair brushed, etc..then I take her to school, then im off to work. (I am a commercial construction project manager overseeing just over 100 million dollars of construction projects in progress as we speak). I try to get out of work between 4:30 and 5, then I drive to my daughters school to pick her up, then I drive home, once I walk in the door I begin my second job, I take out the trash, try to get some family time at dinner before I clean the kitchen, put away leftovers, etc...after dinner, she usually goes off to take a bath, unless I she has a to-do list for me. By now its around 7:30 or 8...kids bedtime, I give them both a bath, get them dressed for bed, fill everyones sippy cups, etc, then I try to get them both in bed at the same time (they share a room), well, by now its 8:30, shes had her bath and is now reading in bed, and will do so until she falls asleep. This is a difficult situation, yes she reads till she falls asleep, but shes reading either the bible, or a christian book of some sort, so I really dont want to discourage her from being in the word, so I'm not sure what to do about that if anything. anyway, the hour and a half or two hours she spends reading, etc is usually peppered with little "beck and call" requests like; "can you bring me some water?" "Can you bring me the phone?" etc..etc...so now its 10:30 or later, she either already asleep or almost asleep, so I get my shower (if the girls are finally asleep) and I crawl into bed next to her, shes usually wearing a t-shirt and panties (sorry to be graphic) and I'm just supposed to not notice and go to sleep only to start it all over again in 7 hours..... ::cryingtears::If shes not already asleep, she usually wants me to rub her back until she goes to sleep, and yes, pretty much all I get for a response if I hint at anything is "im tired", etc, etc

Side note to this; If my youngest (shes almost 4yrs) wakes up during the night (which is at least 6 or 7 times in a week)or any one is sick, etc..guess who gets up at all hours to go check on daughters.....ME.... 99.9% of the time its me.

Now, again, I am not here to bash her, I do truly love her, and I dont want it to sound like she never does anything in the evenings because she does, just not often because she feels like it should be "my turn" at night..and I most ceartainly do not have a "I could care less about her feelings" attitude towards her.

Thanks for your input!

[806jjbz]

Mac,   I do respect you, and I agree that she is being very selfish. 
BUT, I will also say that I have gone through a period of time like that after my daughter was born and after my miscarriage when I had absolutely no desire.  NONE.  The whole idea of sex was repulsive to me.  I wasn't getting it anywhere else.  And having my hubby assume that I was and accuse me of that made matters worse.  No, I didn't make him go weeks without either, but I did turn him down way more often then I should have.  I did go on an antidepressant, but that just made things worse. 
I think part of the problem was that I was overwhelmed with the task of being a mom... It was a lot more tiring/difficult than I thought it would be. 

So I wonder if this guy's wife has had a recent miscarriage? 

No, no recent or past miscarriage, and no medical problem either, been there done that..

[Imabear]

Mac,   I do respect you, and I agree that she is being very selfish. 
BUT, I will also say that I have gone through a period of time like that after my daughter was born and after my miscarriage when I had absolutely no desire.  NONE.  The whole idea of sex was repulsive to me.  I wasn't getting it anywhere else.  And having my hubby assume that I was and accuse me of that made matters worse.  No, I didn't make him go weeks without either, but I did turn him down way more often then I should have.  I did go on an antidepressant, but that just made things worse. 
I think part of the problem was that I was overwhelmed with the task of being a mom... It was a lot more tiring/difficult than I thought it would be. 

So I wonder if this guy's wife has had a recent miscarriage? 

I'm not trying to suggest that.  There are times when a woman genuinely looses her sex drive.  It's happened to me.  She really should have a physical, and bring this issue up, which I doubt is going to happen because she doesn't seem to see it as a problem.  Hopefully she will become more aware through counseling.  
Okay, I guess you just posted while I was preparing this.  You are saying that she has had a physical where this was explored?  Sorry then if this does not apply.  I just wanted to show how common this problem is.
I just googled this topic.  This is part of an article from:
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/lackingsexdrive.htm

Lack of sex drive in women (lack of libido)
Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist  and Christine Webber, psychotherapist

Lack of sex drive (lack of libido) is common in women, but quite rare in men. The American Medical Association has estimated that several million US women suffer from what doctors there call 'female sexual arousal disorder' (FSAD).

However, there seems to be an FSAD bandwagon, driven by doctors who think that nearly half the female population (43 per cent) lack sex drive. Such a high number really doesn't seem likely.

In the UK, family planning clinics and Relate clinics see quite large numbers of women who complain of low libido. Our estimate is that at any one time, several hundred thousand women in Britain are troubled by lack of sex drive.

Many of these women have no problems with having orgasms. Rather, they have no real desire to have sex and their minds are not turned on by the prospect of love-making.

Fortunately, for many women lack of libido is only temporary. Some will get over it by themselves, and a lot more can be helped by expert medical or psychosexual advice.

What are the causes of lack of libido in women?

As is the case with men, lack of desire in women can be of either physical or psychological origin.

     Physical causes

         o Anaemia, which is very common in women because of iron loss during periods.

         o Alcoholism.

         o Drug abuse.

         o Major diseases such as diabetes.

         o Post-baby coolness, a term we have coined for the loss of libido that often happens after childbirth. It is almost certainly linked to hormonal changes that occur at this time. The general trauma of childbirth also plays a part - and after having a baby, many women are too exhausted to think about sex.

         o Prescribed drugs, particularly tranquillisers.

         o Hyperprolactinaemia - a rare disorder in which the pituitary gland is overactive.

         o Other hormone abnormalities: leading Swiss gynaecologist Dr Michael Nemec claims that abnormalities in the production of luteinising hormone (LH) often cause lack of desire. And top British gynaecologist John Studd says that many women who have lost their libido lack androgenic (male) hormones. This view remains controversial.


     You may be surprised that we haven't mentioned the menopause as a physical cause of loss of desire.

     Contrary to myth, the menopause doesn't usually cause loss of libido, and many women feel a lot sexier and have more orgasms in the postmenopausal part of their life.

     Psychological causes

     These causes are very common. It's understandable that when a woman is having a bad time emotionally, she may lose interest in sex.

     Psychological causes include:

         o depression

         o stress and overwork

         o anxiety

         o hang-ups from childhood

         o past sexual abuse or rape

         o latent lesbianism

         o serious relationship problems with your partner

         o difficult living conditions, eg sharing a home with parents or parents-in-law.

[Mac]

Wow, you are very well spoken.  Even though this isn't my particular problem, I thank you for sharing your story, I hope it's an inspiration to other men in this situation.  I agree with everything you said, esp. the part about him jumping through all these hoops for her in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he'll get to have sex with her.  I say this all the time.  When a wife is like this, it doesn't matter how romantic he is, how much of her "love language" he speaks, how much money he makes, how much he does around the house, etc, etc, it will NOT change anything!  Sadly, people often think the husband must be a real jerk or something.

Also, I hope you have found, or will find, the love of a really GOOD woman, a wife who will love you the way you deserve.  It's a beautiful thing to have a marriage like that.  Thanks again for sharing your story.

I have been there and done that for sure. The, "If you give me this or that" or "If you do this for me, you might get lucky." Even after all of this, and feeling like a first timer, nothing.

Lucky? I just really do not think luck should be involved. I have been through this so many times. For someone to use there body as a weapon or a bribery tool is disgusting.

As far as meeting someone, I am married to a Godly, Christian woman who loves me. We have been married for almost 7 years. I thank God for her every day. She is a instruction booklet of what a Christian wife should be. Total difference in the two relationships. I once told my wife that we had sex more in the first year of our marriage than I did in 10 years of marriage to my ex. And that was not an exaggeration. She laughed..I almost cried..LOL...

But, thanks for the compliment.

[Mac]

Mac,   I do respect you, and I agree that she is being very selfish. 
BUT, I will also say that I have gone through a period of time like that after my daughter was born and after my miscarriage when I had absolutely no desire.  NONE.  The whole idea of sex was repulsive to me.  I wasn't getting it anywhere else.  And having my hubby assume that I was and accuse me of that made matters worse.  No, I didn't make him go weeks without either, but I did turn him down way more often then I should have.  I did go on an antidepressant, but that just made things worse. 
I think part of the problem was that I was overwhelmed with the task of being a mom... It was a lot more tiring/difficult than I thought it would be. 

I appreciate your kind words. I would consider what you went through a medical/mental problem. There was a reason for what you went through. And like you said, you were intimate with him. This woman is a totally different story though. I read your post down the board also. That kind of solidifies what I was saying; there is always a reason. Whether it is medical or mental. People have physical desires. Period. And if you don't, something is amiss.

[Mac]

Wow MAC, you must be a fly on the wall in my house!
Everything you said is spot on. yes, "accepting" it and comcentrating on her needs does nothing but give here a break from everything, and noths on end of no sex for me, it changes nothing.

And, your guess is spot on too. Here's a typical day for me, I get up at 6:30 am, I go into my daughters room to wake her up for school, try to get myself ready and my daughter ready, fed, hair brushed, etc..then I take her to school, then im off to work. (I am a commercial construction project manager overseeing just over 100 million dollars of construction projects in progress as we speak). I try to get out of work between 4:30 and 5, then I drive to my daughters school to pick her up, then I drive home, once I walk in the door I begin my second job, I take out the trash, try to get some family time at dinner before I clean the kitchen, put away leftovers, etc...after dinner, she usually goes off to take a bath, unless I she has a to-do list for me. By now its around 7:30 or 8...kids bedtime, I give them both a bath, get them dressed for bed, fill everyones sippy cups, etc, then I try to get them both in bed at the same time (they share a room), well, by now its 8:30, shes had her bath and is now reading in bed, and will do so until she falls asleep. This is a difficult situation, yes she reads till she falls asleep, but shes reading either the bible, or a christian book of some sort, so I really dont want to discourage her from being in the word, so I'm not sure what to do about that if anything. anyway, the hour and a half or two hours she spends reading, etc is usually peppered with little "beck and call" requests like; "can you bring me some water?" "Can you bring me the phone?" etc..etc...so now its 10:30 or later, she either already asleep or almost asleep, so I get my shower (if the girls are finally asleep) and I crawl into bed next to her, shes usually wearing a t-shirt and panties (sorry to be graphic) and I'm just supposed to not notice and go to sleep only to start it all over again in 7 hours..... ::cryingtears::If shes not already asleep, she usually wants me to rub her back until she goes to sleep, and yes, pretty much all I get for a response if I hint at anything is "im tired", etc, etc

Side note to this; If my youngest (shes almost 4yrs) wakes up during the night (which is at least 6 or 7 times in a week)or any one is sick, etc..guess who gets up at all hours to go check on daughters.....ME.... 99.9% of the time its me.

Now, again, I am not here to bash her, I do truly love her, and I dont want it to sound like she never does anything in the evenings because she does, just not often because she feels like it should be "my turn" at night..and I most ceartainly do not have a "I could care less about her feelings" attitude towards her.

Thanks for your input!

Man, I hate it for you. There is definitely a reason for it. I know how frustrating it is to live like this. And sadly, it will not get better until you find out what is the cause.

I applaud you for being a wonderful father and husband. It is hard to continue to do and do with no "reward" in the end. It is a shame to look at it that way, but that is exactly what it has become. I know the feeling...You sit there, almost quivering...Thinking, maybe tonight's the night..It is the smallest thing that gets you thinking about it. A look..A gentle touch that would otherwise be totally innocent..The t-shirt and panties thing you mentioned..But because you are starved for physical intimacy, it means something to you..Buddy, I have been there. And I am here to tell you, it isn't fair. And it isn't right...No matter what she or anyone says...Contrary to what your wife says, it is normal for a man, who loves his wife and is attracted to her, to be "turned on" in her presence. Especially when you have been "starved for affection".

I would almost be willing to say she is suffering from depression or hormonal issues, but it seems you have checked into this and found nothing.

As I posted earlier, something is definitely wrong. It just needs to be diagnosed. Was she abused as a child or anything like that? As far as the other, only you would know if there are warning signs of "outside" interference. But I can say this with certainty... Something is not right..

Make sure you stay in prayer and leave it at the Lords feet. I know how frustrating it is...Just look to the Lord for strength. But definitely seek answers through counseling and/or medical/mental treatment.

[chosenone]

I am not sure that there is neccessarily a cause as such. There are those around who just cant be bothered to please their spouses, and if they dont 'feel' like it they dont do it. it doesnt sound to me as if she is depressed, just selfish and controlling and wanting her cake and eat it.

Your situation sounds so like that of my husband and his exwife. She was very selfish, very controlling. very bossy, a taker, and he was always the giver.
He did so much around the house, as well as working full time (she didnt work at that time either) he did over half of all the jobs as well as spending loads of time looking after their two boys.She never appreciated him and totally took him for granted, and because he is such a lovely guy. he took it all and kept on trying to please her. She controlled their sex life totally, and sometimes made him feel like a pervert when he wanted sex .If 'she' didnt want to have sex, they didnt have sex, simple as that. No compromise, no discussion.That is no way to treat a man, it can destroy him. Where is the love, where is the giving?
She then met somone else, had an affair and divorced my husband.
He says it was like coming out of prison for the first time and although he hated having to get divorced (he never would have divorced her), he is happier than he has ever been now and has a wife who adores him and appreciates him. She however is still alone 4 years later. Hopefully she has had time to reflect now.

I pray that things will work out better for you in your marriage. keep praying and keep hoping for the best

[806jjbz]

Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

[His Princess]

Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

This may not be the long-suffering response that everyone else will give you, but I think you should definitely do that.  You need to do something to get her attention.  I also think the way you described your evenings when you return home from work is grossly unfair to you.  At this point, she has no incentive to change her ways or to look towards YOU because she has everything arranged exactly the way she wants it.  Why would she want to change anything?  DO IT!

[His Princess]

I am not sure that there is neccessarily a cause as such. There are those around who just cant be bothered to please their spouses, and if they dont 'feel' like it they dont do it. it doesnt sound to me as if she is depressed, just selfish and controlling and wanting her cake and eat it.

Your situation sounds so like that of my husband and his exwife. She was very selfish, very controlling. very bossy, a taker, and he was always the giver.
He did so much around the house, as well as working full time (she didnt work at that time either) he did over half of all the jobs as well as spending loads of time looking after their two boys.She never appreciated him and totally took him for granted, and because he is such a lovely guy. he took it all and kept on trying to please her. She controlled their sex life totally, and sometimes made him feel like a pervert when he wanted sex .If 'she' didnt want to have sex, they didnt have sex, simple as that. No compromise, no discussion.That is no way to treat a man, it can destroy him. Where is the love, where is the giving?
She then met somone else, had an affair and divorced my husband.
He says it was like coming out of prison for the first time and although he hated having to get divorced (he never would have divorced her), he is happier than he has ever been now and has a wife who adores him and appreciates him. She however is still alone 4 years later. Hopefully she has had time to reflect now.

I pray that things will work out better for you in your marriage. keep praying and keep hoping for the best

Yep, I totally agree. 

[Corbley]

Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

[His Princess]

Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

[Corbley]

I am sorry, but it sounds as though, you are not taking care of her needs.    You are so caught up into what you are missing, and not trying to identify....The root of the problem she has with you...

There is obviously a problem, that is preventing her from being the loving woman, you met and fell in love with.   So, no matter what you do, unless you find out what she needs.....The the problem will not go away.
It will only get worse

[Corbley]

Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..

I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.

What does everyone think?

I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP!  And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her,   Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.

Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.

Oh, come on.  He's already been doing all that.  Did you read his description of an evening at home after work??  What more could he possibly do?

She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere.  I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.

Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs