When is it enough? How do you know when it's time to move on?

[remainingfaithful]

I met him at a club thru a friend - when I was 24yrs old.  Everything happened so fast 3 months later I became pregnant and 3 months after that we got married.  I loved him for accepting me and my son from a previous relationship.  He liked to go out and being that I wanted to be the perfect wife I did not complain.  I made the mistake of assumming that once the baby arrived he would settle down and stay home. 

9 years later I filed for a divorce.  I was terrified but I felt there was nothing left to do.  Not only did he like to drink I discovered he was also doing drugs.  While married - xmas shopping I remember this woman (almost angelic) looked at me and said "you need God." She gave me the address of her church.  I went and I was born again Dec 26th of 2000.  I tried to love my husband with the same love that I learned GOD has for us.  But he only took advantage of my Godly makeover.  He tested my faith everyday. 

I divorced in July 06 and almost one year later - in April he broke down and expressed to me how he regretted everything he had done to me and our sons.  He promised to change and to never take me for granted again.  I was very resistant and filled with fear to end up in the very same place but at the same time I wanted us to be a family once again.  I was like the runaway bride everytime I felt as if we were getting sucked back and finally moved back into my home when he got home drunk and I woke up wet from him wetting the bed.   I decided to move on and I started dating a guy I knew since I was 10 years old.  I actually cried on my commute to work - happy tears.  I thanked the lord for putting this man back in my life.  We went to church and shared the same family values and goals in life.   

Somehow I got used to dysfunction and started thinking about my ex-husband.  I got lost and wanted to run back to what I was comfortable with.  My ex and I  only lasted together two weeks before I regretted my  decision.    I got pregnant during the 2 week window and I became my own enemy constantly battling wether to have another child with this man.  I was filled with fear of having to raise another child on my own but I knew that abortion was a sin.  I did the unthinkable act and it dropped me to my knees.  I wanted to commit suicide - I looked to an abortion counselor and that's when I realized the true meaning of forgiveness and why Jesus died for our sins.   I can say that I haven't been the same since.  I realized how strong the enemy is and is waiting for an opportunity to tear us down of our blessings.  I realized the enemy did not want my family to see us make it.  I decided I was not going to allow the enemy to win - I continued to love my ex-husband with Godly Love.  No one could understand my reason for continuing to stay with him. Not even my children.  His own son would ask me how many chances are you going to give my dad? 

He got a DWI this year and I was there as he walked out of jail.  I carried him thru his hard times.  Trying to get him to go to church, I let him use my car, since he had wrecked his company truck the night of the DWI. I paid for everything wherever we went.  The day of hurrican IKE he lost his temper and left "his" son and I as he sped off angry to his parents.  At that moment, when I saw my son crying - I lost my peace.  He never came back for us that day so I had my neighbor pick us up so we wouldn't be by ourselves when the hurricane hit.  It took me a couple of weeks but I came to my GODLY senses and prayed for him as well as forgave him.    That day of the hurricane was his DWI hearing which he got acquitted of all charges.  He is back to doing the same habits of going out and drinking about 5 days out of the week.  Not answering my calls til 4 days later etc. 

I'm not sure why I love this man and want to continue to make this work but I feel as if it's time to move on.  I know that people can not change overnight so at the same time I feel as if I am giving up and not waiting on GOD.   

I'm sorry but I am desperate and I hope someone out there can give me insight...or just call me crazy. 

[chosenone]

Are you actually still divorced from this man? By that I mean that have you remarried him?
if you are divorced still then going by what you have said I would keep away and just pray for him. Your children have suffered and why should they have to keep on suffering?. He may never change and you have to accept that. If you did want to get back with him at some point then you would need to remarry him as otherwise you would be having sex outside marriage which isnt the right way
to live but I would leave him well alone and let him sort himself out and pray hard for him.

[kensington]

My first thought was.... If you have not remarried him, then you never did have the peace you thought you had. 

It's time to go... to let him sink or swim, he has only gotten this far because you carried him.  Think about that for a moment, the Bible is clear... the man is the head of the marriage, the protector, the leader, teacher and provider.  What has he taught you?  Where has he lead you?  What has he provided for you? 

I truly believe there is a time when we do know it's time to let someone face their life and God alone.  Not to punish them, not to control them, but to get out of the way so that God can reach them. 

Think about this for me also...  He is drowning, and you are trying to save him, and he is thrashing around, pulling you down, you are swimming with all of your might... but strong swimmer that you are, you still feel yourself sinking down and facing your failure and even your death... Now... look... look back to the shore.... Your sons are there watching you drown.  Do you let go and swim for them, or do you go down with Him who is only using you to stay afloat as long as he can? 

When is the time to let go and move on?  It's up to you.  You are divorced, you do not have to remarry or even like someone else, you can wait on him, and seek the LORD...  but you do not have to drown with him. 

[kensington]

I also just want you to know, that I am praying for you.  I hope you are in a strong church, a Bible teaching Church, and if you are, find a sister in the LORD, an OLDER sister in the LORD who has wisdom and is discreet, does not gossip and who is known to be a prayer warrior, and ask her if she will take you under her wing and be a "prayer partner" with you.  The Titus 2:5 principle really does work, and we need it.  We need to have the support and prayers of our sisters in the LORD as we face trials and tribulations in this life. 

You won't be sorry, and you will not be alone.  Seek her out and if you don't know who she might be in your church, go to your pastor, or his wife and ask them.  Keep the faith.

[remainingfaithful]

Are you actually still divorced from this man? By that I mean that have you remarried him?
if you are divorced still then going by what you have said I would keep away and just pray for him. Your children have suffered and why should they have to keep on suffering?. He may never change and you have to accept that. If you did want to get back with him at some point then you would need to remarry him as otherwise you would be having sex outside marriage which isnt the right way
to live but I would leave him well alone and let him sort himself out and pray hard for him.

Yes, I am still divorced from this man.  I have repeatedly told him that we could not have sex until we were married again.   He knows my weaknesses and knows that eventually I give in.   Luckily, after the hurricane I have asked God to give me the strength that I need to do his will and not my own.  I have not given in since, and I know that strength is from GOD and not mine alone.  My children have suffered and it kills me that I was not strong enough to get myself out  sooner.  I am working on letting go and letting GOD. 

[remainingfaithful]

My first thought was.... If you have not remarried him, then you never did have the peace you thought you had. 

It's time to go... to let him sink or swim, he has only gotten this far because you carried him.  Think about that for a moment, the Bible is clear... the man is the head of the marriage, the protector, the leader, teacher and provider.  What has he taught you?  Where has he lead you?  What has he provided for you? 

I truly believe there is a time when we do know it's time to let someone face their life and God alone.  Not to punish them, not to control them, but to get out of the way so that God can reach them. 

Think about this for me also...  He is drowning, and you are trying to save him, and he is thrashing around, pulling you down, you are swimming with all of your might... but strong swimmer that you are, you still feel yourself sinking down and facing your failure and even your death... Now... look... look back to the shore.... Your sons are there watching you drown.  Do you let go and swim for them, or do you go down with Him who is only using you to stay afloat as long as he can? 

When is the time to let go and move on?  It's up to you.  You are divorced, you do not have to remarry or even like someone else, you can wait on him, and seek the LORD...  but you do not have to drown with him. 

At the beginning of re-conciling after the divorce he told me he would marry me again in a heart beat.  When it really came down to it, he would hesitate.  We have two separate homes and he has been asking me to sell mine so I can move in with him, not to mention cut off the child support.  I told him I would do them once we were actually married again.  This has brought him frustration - Neither one of us is willing to budge. 

The one thing I can say is that he has always been a good provider.  With that being said, he believes that he should be able to do whatever he wants and that I should be happy with that.  I did not agree and said that is not what a marriage consists of.   Anytime he caused me or the boys pain he always bought us off.  A new watch, credit card, etc.

[remainingfaithful]

I also just want you to know, that I am praying for you.  I hope you are in a strong church, a Bible teaching Church, and if you are, find a sister in the LORD, an OLDER sister in the LORD who has wisdom and is discreet, does not gossip and who is known to be a prayer warrior, and ask her if she will take you under her wing and be a "prayer partner" with you.  The Titus 2:5 principle really does work, and we need it.  We need to have the support and prayers of our sisters in the LORD as we face trials and tribulations in this life. 

You won't be sorry, and you will not be alone.  Seek her out and if you don't know who she might be in your church, go to your pastor, or his wife and ask them.  Keep the faith.

Thank you for the prayer.  I have found a great church right in my neighborhood.  I will talk to my pastor and pray that I may find a Godly sister.    I have read the forums and your advice has always seemed to catch my eye.  I am impressed by your advice to others.  God Bless you and your family. 

[chosenone]

I would tread very carefully and very slowly and not make any decisions for the time being. Ask God what you should do, but I would be very wary about marrying him again at this point.

[HRoberson]

Find yourself a Christian counselor, preferably a Christian marriage counselor.

Someone with a real license to practice, and someone who has had some real graduate study in theology. If you want to talk with your pastor, fine by me, but you need a real counselor - and you need to take your ex with you.