My husband says he's leaving me

[nicolern]

I married my husband at 17 years old. Two months after we both gave our hearts to Jesus! We have been married now for 15 years and we have 3 great children. We've had MANY troubles in our marriage (near death of one child, loss of a home in a flood, loss of a business, and my husband has been ill for the past 2 years), but seemingly the turmoil around us has subsided.
    Now my husband say, "I am not in love with you any more, and I am moving out." We've discussed the wrong things we've done in our marriage that has gotten us to this point (I firmly believe it takes 2 to make and 2 to break it), but he says he can't let go of everything and may not ever love me again.
    I have been faithful to him - completely, and he says he has been faithful to me; however, ther is a woman at his work that has expressed to him her interest in him. I asked him, are you not in love with me or are you leaving me because of her? His response to this is "I don't know what I want."
    I have truly done all I know to keep this marriage together. I confessed my wrong doings to him(stopped respecting him, stopped reaching out to him, etc. - because I felt like I was not getting any affirmation from him), and asked his forgiveness, and REALLy know that God has helped me to forgive me!!!
    My question is what do I do now? What do I do if he does leave me(he's looking at a place tonight), how do I explain to my children when we have tried to teach/live accoding to the bible? If he hasn't actually had "relations" with this woman, is it still an affair?
Please help.

[Memphis Dwight]

I pray that your husband does not try to nullify his
responsibility.  He needs to understand that christians are to
be the city on the hill, a light for the rest of the world to see and to glorify God. 

Your husband also needs to know that more often than not, judges will take a man's kids from him and give them to the former wife.  This goes against the type of divorce that God
has instituted.  In the biblical divorce, only the wife is cut off.  The modern type of divorce has become the cowardly man's way of avoiding his responsibility for educating his children.

In the biblical divorce, there is a cutting off.  The wife is seen in God's eyes as a part of the man's body.  And when divorce happens, the wife is cut off, not the kids. 

If your husband shirks his responsibility, he will be complicit in causing yet even more fatherless children.

YOU SHOULD SEE THE STATISTICS FOR FATHERLESS CHILDREN. 

Children with no father wind up in prison much more than children with fathers.  Teenage pregnancy, suicide, drug use, murder, etc.  All of these go WAY UP for fatherless children. 



 

[chosenone]

It sounds to me as if there is some attraction with this women at work, which has made him want to leave. otherwise why would he suddenly do it now?he didnt really deny it when you asked him did he.
He may not have been unfaithful yet, but unless he sets some strict boundaries with her it may well happen.
I have nothing but contempt for women who are after others peoples husbands, it is so  sinful.

I guess there isnt a lot you can do except pray and tell him that he needs to make his mind up what he really wants and stick to that.
if he is a Christian then he is playing with fire and he is the one who will get burned if he goes ahead with this relationship. God hates it when someone is unfaithful to their spouse and there will always be consequenses for those who are, and not just for the one who is sinned against.

I will pray for you it must be very hard and painful. 

[SpiritHappy]

As a Christian life coach I can tell you when one partner wants out there is always someone else on the side already .Your real husband is Jesus, remember we can own no one,your relationship is to God first.

Job's wife to him to curse God and die..he choose God over her. Job 2:8-10

Joseph believed virgin Mary cheated on him Matthew 1:18-20 until God told him otherwise. Point being do not rely on your mate

I know it is hard but do not cling to him,  God is the father of you and your children.

I deal with this all the time and I have never seen the wife suffer when a man leaves, they always get stronger and do better., kids are not. God be with you

[Flying To]

Hang in there and pray a lot.

[Memphis Dwight]

nicolern,
listen to the good advice being given.  And remind your husband that
if he should take another wife,  he still has a responsibility to provide
food, clothing and intimacy to you, per Exodus 21:10. 

[Charles Sloan]

Are you suggesting if he marries another woman he still can sleep with his ex-wife?

[Memphis Dwight]

I'm not suggesting he divorce his wife.  The rest is there in right in the bible for you to look up.

[Charles Sloan]

I'm not suggesting he divorce his wife.  The rest is there in right in the bible for you to look up.

I never said you were suggesting they divorce, I thought my post was easily understood. But just looking at the context of the passage you mentioned, isn't that directed to a Hebrew woman sold into slavery then married to her masters son?

Wouldn't that be misapplying that passage just a teensy-weensy bit?

[Memphis Dwight]

Charles, the principles of marriage never change.  I know, I know, there is that oft repeated slogan about when Jesus restored marriage.  But that was not was He was doing.  He was correcting the abuse of divorce. 

The passage about the Hebrew slave fits for all time.  And note that she is to be treated 'after the manner of daughters.'  Which means as the other daughters of Israel.  This proves that her being involved in a family that had more than one wife was the norm for Israelites. 

[Charles Sloan]

Charles, the principles of marriage never change.  I know, I know, there is that oft repeated slogan about when Jesus restored marriage.  But that was not was He was doing.  He was correcting the abuse of divorce. 

Jesus didn't just deal with divorce, but he restored honor to the law. (Isa 42:21)

The passage about the Hebrew slave fits for all time.  And note that she is to be treated 'after the manner of daughters.'  Which means as the other daughters of Israel.  This proves that her being involved in a family that had more than one wife was the norm for Israelites. 

Dwight, you cannot claim that Exodus 20:10 applies to all people for all time since the very context of the passage was specific to a person and a distinct situation. I know this may fit into a theological construct, but you can't exactly cherry-pick verses from the Old Testament and apply them to the New.

[chosenone]

Charles, the principles of marriage never change.  I know, I know, there is that oft repeated slogan about when Jesus restored marriage.  But that was not was He was doing.  He was correcting the abuse of divorce. 

The passage about the Hebrew slave fits for all time.  And note that she is to be treated 'after the manner of daughters.'  Which means as the other daughters of Israel.  This proves that her being involved in a family that had more than one wife was the norm for Israelites. 

My husbands ex wife divorced him and had an affair and believe me if she ever expected him to sleep with her again he would be appalled. It would be no different from him sleeping with any other woman  eg he would be committing adultery against me.
Of course he would never do it anyway as they are legally divorced for a Biblical reason and he is remarried .

[avenger]

How come it seems each time someone comes here for help, we spend more time trying to one-up one another than we do trying to help the one with the problem? I am so sorry nicolern and I will pray to the Lord for you and your family.

Avenger  

[chosenone]

How come it seems each time someone comes here for help, we spend more time trying to one-up one another than we do trying to help the one with the problem? I am so sorry nicolern and I will pray to the Lord for you and your family.

Avenger  

I guess becuase someone else says something that is procotive and this sparks a seperate discussion as well as the one going on.

[jessbuds]

I married my husband at 17 years old. Two months after we both gave our hearts to Jesus! We have been married now for 15 years and we have 3 great children. We've had MANY troubles in our marriage (near death of one child, loss of a home in a flood, loss of a business, and my husband has been ill for the past 2 years), but seemingly the turmoil around us has subsided.
    Now my husband say, "I am not in love with you any more, and I am moving out." We've discussed the wrong things we've done in our marriage that has gotten us to this point (I firmly believe it takes 2 to make and 2 to break it), but he says he can't let go of everything and may not ever love me again.
    I have been faithful to him - completely, and he says he has been faithful to me; however, ther is a woman at his work that has expressed to him her interest in him. I asked him, are you not in love with me or are you leaving me because of her? His response to this is "I don't know what I want."
    I have truly done all I know to keep this marriage together. I confessed my wrong doings to him(stopped respecting him, stopped reaching out to him, etc. - because I felt like I was not getting any affirmation from him), and asked his forgiveness, and REALLy know that God has helped me to forgive me!!!
    My question is what do I do now? What do I do if he does leave me(he's looking at a place tonight), how do I explain to my children when we have tried to teach/live accoding to the bible? If he hasn't actually had "relations" with this woman, is it still an affair?
Please help.

I dont know if this would help but take good care of your children if he does leave you because this is very important to them that one of their parents take good care of them. Your children are grown up now? Can they talk to their father about it? If i am near your house? I will bring a rope and i will tie your husband in a basement until he realized that what he is doing will affect the harmony of your family.

[Charles Sloan]

How come it seems each time someone comes here for help, we spend more time trying to one-up one another than we do trying to help the one with the problem?

For one thing avenger this isn't a counseling forum or a support group, this is a discussion forum. So we are free to discuss topics as each poster sees fit within the confines of the rules. But when people come here to get advice and they receive unsound doctrine (like polygamist advice), it is only courteous to try and address that with sound doctrine.

I appreciate your attempt to keep on topic, but my comments were not to "one up" someone.

[kensington]

Charles is right...   compounding sin by bed hopping isn't going to do anything to help your marriage whatsoever.

Have you tried talking to this woman.  I certainly would.  I would go to her and ask her if she realized that your husband is leaving you so he can form a relationship with her, and ask her if there is one going on already.   Look nice, be nice and be blunt.  Tell her you are Christians and that you married for life, you have a family and you have done her no harm and would ask her to return that respect to you.

Being his helpmate, you have a calling to help him to not give in to satan's call.  Which is what this is.  I think it's time to talk to the OW... and find out what her intentions towards your husband are.  Tell her you love him, and you want your marriage and your kids want their dad. 

I would not allow her to hide behind work and just walk off with him.  Not if I really wanted him. 

"You need to beat that girl where she beat you... in his arms"... "That's where you win in the first round" - Paulette Goddard, "The Women". 

[avenger]

How come it seems each time someone comes here for help, we spend more time trying to one-up one another than we do trying to help the one with the problem?

For one thing avenger this isn't a counseling forum or a support group, this is a discussion forum. So we are free to discuss topics as each poster sees fit within the confines of the rules. But when people come here to get advice and they receive unsound doctrine (like polygamist advice), it is only courteous to try and address that with sound doctrine.

I appreciate your attempt to keep on topic, but my comments were not to "one up" someone.

I didn't mean you (or anyone) in particular Charles, it was just something I've noticed quite a lot lately.  I probably shouldn't have brought it up because by doing so I may have added to the problem.  Sorry.

Avenger 

[Sherman Nobles]

nicolern,

First let me commend you for doing all you can to make your marriage work.  It is true that it takes 2 to make a marriage, but really, it only takes 1 to break a marriage.  A good resourse, the book, "Surviving an Affair", would be very helpful for you right now.  Regardless of what you do, your husband might chose to harden his heart against you and God and seek another life. 

Realize:
1. God loves you and wants what's best for you and your children.
2. You are free to divorce your husband if he chooses to leave you and/or not honor your marriage covenant.
3. If you divorce him, you are not bound to him and free to go on with your life as you see fit (single or marry another) and feel led of the Lord.
4. Of course, this is a very important decision that will effect you and your loved ones for generations to come.

Knowing this, I encourage you to wait on the Lord. Do not be anxious to make something happen, but allow God time to work.  Affairs are illusionary and men usually find that living either alone or moving into a new relationship is not all it's cracked up to be. 

The following thread is a good review of the doctrine of marriage, divorce, and remarriage.  It may be of some help.

http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/index.php/topic,20182.0.html

I pray that God brings healing to your marriage, that He empowers you with wisdom and grace, and brings conviction to your husband.

Also, let me encourage you concerning your children.  Though divorce is tragic, and causes problems for years to come, God can still take what is evil and turn it for good in our lives and the lives of our loved ones as we seek His intervention in prayer.  My parents divorced, and though it still is a hassel, God has brought much good out of it anyhow.  So be encouraged and filled with faith!

Blessings,
Sherman

[nicolern]

Thank you all very much for the prayers, advice, and encouragement. This is the first time I have ever used a forum before! I appreciate the help of God's people. My prayer most of all is that God will bring him to the place he needs to be in Him, regardless of what happens. I know, no matter what, there will be much forgiveness and healing needed!!
I have not "given up," but I am NOT begging him to "Choose me." God will take care of me, no matter what he chooses, and he will have to live and deal with the consequences of that choice!!

One thing I am thankful for is that "Love covers a multitude of sins!" Where would I be if Jesus hadn't forgiven me? My heart really is to see him delivered and changed forever (regardless of my marriage).