What should I do when wife wants to leave, help or stall?

[Elderdxc]

  I have posted on other topics, but this will be more specific, as I need some help with this, and I want everything to be together.  Thank you in advance for your prayers and advice.

  After 12 years of marriage, my wife and I are splitting up.  We have a son together, and she came into the marriage with two children.  We are divorcing for a lot of reasons, but the bottom line is that she no longer desires to be my wife.  She is not attracted to me, believes that my family does not accept her, and believes when I sinned by watching pornography about three years ago, and she found out about it two years ago, that I cheated on her.  On my part, I stopped before she found out, and, while tempted since, I realize that images cannot substitute for intimacy, which cannot take place without communication.  We do not communicate very well unless the topic does not involve us, and usually she tends to criticize me.  She says that I do the same thing to her, and maybe that is what she hears from me, although I believe that I have been very supportive of her over the years.  Still, I am not inside her head, just as she is not inside of mine.

The realities behind these curt statements are rather involved, and I am not trying to minimize either my or my family's wrong actions, but this is, after all, a message board, not a book.   Unfortunately, time and space only permits so much to be told. 

At this point, I have agreed to go along with the break-up.  My wife has not held a good job for a long period since our son was born.  She wants me to put her and her daughter into an apartment,but my aunt and mother think that she should so this herself.  She says that the alternative for her is a homeless shelter.  I work as a substitute teacher, so my assignments have not been stable, but I anticipate getting a long-term assignment in January.  She says that she wants us to still be friends; right now friendship seems to function as either a code for "do nice things for her without expectation of any compensation," or the alternative to a nasty divorce where she fights me for custody, and tries to get alimony (we live in CA). 

Should I help her leave our marriage, be neutral, or resist, even if "resistance is futile"?  We stopped being physically intimate in any consistent way around five years ago, and completely about three years ago.  Since then we have pretty much lived like roommates.  She keeps telling me that there is no one else involved, but she also, in the context of patting herself on the back for not looking at any pornography, has said that she has wanted sex.   She sometimes is gone all night, saying that she either slept in the car, was at a girlfriend's house, or had  motel room. 

I live with my 80 year old great-aunt, and plan on keeping my son.  I do not feel that I need her help to raise our son, and do not want child support.   I only want to have the same opportunity that she had with her other children, to raise him.  He and I have been inseparable since birth.  I want to do what would honor God, benefit my son, and enable me to function as a saved adult.  Should I financially help her and her daughter leave, or should I focus more on my developing family structure which consists of me, my son, and my great-aunt?   

I need your prayers, and I desire your advice.   I do not expect everyone to be on my side, and I know that there are limitations on a message board.  Right now, you all are as unbiased a group of people that  I have any contact with, so here I am.   

[Sherman Nobles]

Elderdxc,

I pray for restoration between you and your wife.  If your wife insists on leaving you then let her go, but I wouldn't help her go and I'd likely fight for custody of your child.  Do you and your wife regularly attend a church?  Have you had marital counselling? 

[Elderdxc]

Elderdxc,

I pray for restoration between you and your wife.  If your wife insists on leaving you then let her go, but I wouldn't help her go and I'd likely fight for custody of your child.  Do you and your wife regularly attend a church?  Have you had marital counselling? 

She attends City of Refuge in Gardena, CA (Bishop Noel Jones).  I attend Temple Baptist Church in Perris, CA (currently seeking new pastor).  Since our marital troubles have intensified, she now says that she no longer believes what she was taught about church when she was little, and all black men are no good (apparently including me).  She mostly goes now for the singing.  I attend Temple because they seem to have a good children's ministry, and I could use some male company.  I go to the seniors Sunday School class, and attend a men's Bible study on Thursdays.

She does not want to go to counseling, saying that her mind is made up, and that she is,in fact, doing this for both of us, as she now thinks that I can do better than her.  She says that she might have messed up my ministry, and she should have left after the first year, instead of trying to make it work.

Thus far, she has agreed to let me raise Delwyn 2.  She says that she is now tired of raising children, and when her daughter is of age, she is putting her out.  Taking her at face value, I would just as soon not even have her to pay child support, as I think I can manage without her assistance.  That might be out of my hands due to CA laws, but we will see.

[Norton]

Elderdxc

Take this with a large grain of salt, because I am making a judgement based on limited knowledge. But, from your post it sounds as if there is someone else  involved and has been for some time. Whether I am right or wrong, rely on God to lead you thru this dark period of your life. Only you and her can determine whether the marriage can be saved. If she can't be convinced the marriage is worthwhile, there is nothing you can do except let her go. In any case, do not cave in to her every demand, but do not be vindictive either. Pray to the Lord to keep your steps study and strong. I am hoping and praying for a resolution to your trouble.

[chosenone]

It sounds to me that she has made her mind up so maybe there is little that you can do to make things better.If you havent had sex for three years then that isnt agood sign is it. If  legal people get involved which they will do if you are divorcing, then the financial issues will have to be sorted out then, as will the custody of the child. You may have no choice about what you do or dont contribute to financially as you may be told what to do. It  may depend on the age of her daughter also  as to whether she will qualify for financial help. If you can afford to help her out in an appartment  until she can get work  then that maybe the right thing to do, but long term if you have your son, I am not sure that she should get any help from you.
Do you have a house betwen you? if you do and you will be living in it then maybe she is entitled to some money or support if she is not having any money from that.
I cant believe that she has decided that she doesnt want to be a mother any more, that is so selfish . you dont just have a child and abandon it after two years.

One more thing, I wouldnt take any notice of what you mother or aunt say, they are bound to be on your side and against her, but that doesnt mean that they are saying what is right or legal.

[Elderdxc]

It sounds to me that she has made her mind up so maybe there is little that you can do to make things better.If you havent had sex for three years then that isnt agood sign is it. If  legal people get involved which they will do if you are divorcing, then the financial issues will have to be sorted out then, as will the custody of the child. You may have no choice about what you do or dont contribute to financially as you may be told what to do. It  may depend on the age of her daughter also  as to whether she will qualify for financial help. If you can afford to help her out in an appartment  until she can get work  then that maybe the right thing to do, but long term if you have your son, I am not sure that she should get any help from you.
Do you have a house betwen you? if you do and you will be living in it then maybe she is entitled to some money or support if she is not having any money from that.
I cant believe that she has decided that she doesnt want to be a mother any more, that is so selfish . you dont just have a child and abandon it after two years.

One more thing, I wouldnt take any notice of what you mother or aunt say, they are bound to be on your side and against her, but that doesnt mean that they are saying what is right or legal.

My mom said that she will likely get whatever she wants whether I get a lawyer or not.  She now wants joint physical custody, instead of joint legal, which she agreed to before.  If I don't give in, she made a veiled threat to seek full custody.  I guess I am at the mercy of the courts.

[chosenone]

It sounds to me that she has made her mind up so maybe there is little that you can do to make things better.If you havent had sex for three years then that isnt agood sign is it. If  legal people get involved which they will do if you are divorcing, then the financial issues will have to be sorted out then, as will the custody of the child. You may have no choice about what you do or dont contribute to financially as you may be told what to do. It  may depend on the age of her daughter also  as to whether she will qualify for financial help. If you can afford to help her out in an appartment  until she can get work  then that maybe the right thing to do, but long term if you have your son, I am not sure that she should get any help from you.
Do you have a house betwen you? if you do and you will be living in it then maybe she is entitled to some money or support if she is not having any money from that.
I cant believe that she has decided that she doesnt want to be a mother any more, that is so selfish . you dont just have a child and abandon it after two years.

One more thing, I wouldnt take any notice of what you mother or aunt say, they are bound to be on your side and against her, but that doesnt mean that they are saying what is right or legal.

My mom said that she will likely get whatever she wants whether I get a lawyer or not.  She now wants joint physical custody, instead of joint legal, which she agreed to before.  If I don't give in, she made a veiled threat to seek full custody.  I guess I am at the mercy of the courts.

If you can afford it I would definately get legal advise for yourself, as if she has a lawyer and you dont then you will suffer.Some lagal advice would help you to know what you wil be entitled to, wheras now you arent too sure.
It maybe that she really does want to have her son for half of the time or it may be that she is just wanting this so that you will have to help her with housing etc.......difficult to say. Wonder why she said this when before she said she doesnt want to be a mum anymore?.
You never know you may be able to get custody with her seeing him every other weekend or somenthing, as it sounds as if you will have the more setled home for your son. Where is she living at the moment?
Do you have a joint house with her?

[Elderdxc]

It sounds to me that she has made her mind up so maybe there is little that you can do to make things better.If you havent had sex for three years then that isnt agood sign is it. If  legal people get involved which they will do if you are divorcing, then the financial issues will have to be sorted out then, as will the custody of the child. You may have no choice about what you do or dont contribute to financially as you may be told what to do. It  may depend on the age of her daughter also  as to whether she will qualify for financial help. If you can afford to help her out in an appartment  until she can get work  then that maybe the right thing to do, but long term if you have your son, I am not sure that she should get any help from you.
Do you have a house betwen you? if you do and you will be living in it then maybe she is entitled to some money or support if she is not having any money from that.
I cant believe that she has decided that she doesnt want to be a mother any more, that is so selfish . you dont just have a child and abandon it after two years.

One more thing, I wouldnt take any notice of what you mother or aunt say, they are bound to be on your side and against her, but that doesnt mean that they are saying what is right or legal.

My mom said that she will likely get whatever she wants whether I get a lawyer or not.  She now wants joint physical custody, instead of joint legal, which she agreed to before.  If I don't give in, she made a veiled threat to seek full custody.  I guess I am at the mercy of the courts.

If you can afford it I would definately get legal advise for yourself, as if she has a lawyer and you dont then you will suffer.Some lagal advice would help you to know what you wil be entitled to, wheras now you arent too sure.
It maybe that she really does want to have her son for half of the time or it may be that she is just wanting this so that you will have to help her with housing etc.......difficult to say. Wonder why she said this when before she said she doesnt want to be a mum anymore?.
You never know you may be able to get custody with her seeing him every other weekend or somenthing, as it sounds as if you will have the more setled home for your son. Where is she living at the moment?
Do you have a joint house with her?

We live with my aunt.  But she wants to get her own place.  I understand her issues; her daughter is really rude to my aunt, and she wants to get her out of the house before something bad happens.  She does have friends, but she said that she really wants to be by herself. 

During our conversation yesterday, she noticed how Delwyn 2 looked at her, like she was doing something bad to me.  She realized then, she told me this morning, that separating him from me would be hurtful for no good reason.  She just wants to have a place that she can call home, and my aunt's place does not fit that bill. 

In truth, my aunt's place only works for me because my mom asked me to stay and look after her.  While it is true that I do not pay rent, I am forced to stay here in Perris, and I have to pay for everyone's food, including my aunt.  I also have to make sure that she eats regularly, but I won't be able to claim her as a dependent, access her finances, or anything else that I would do if I were her legal guardian.  My aunt feels that she doesn't need any help, and I don't want to fight with her about it. 

I don't want to hate Theresa, I still love her, and I want to do what is right for everyone.  she says that she does not love me, she does not believe that God would have her in  a marriage to a person that she does not love, and whose family does not support her.  If I were to meet someone else, she would be happy to see me with that person; she would not even resent that person helping me to raise Delwyn. 

On my part, I don't want her to be unhappy. in fact, I hope that God will give me the grace to be available for her, and she be open to me, after her daughter is grown, and we are both more financially stable.  Our relative financial instability played, I believe, a role in our current situation.  When I have my five year credential and am working full-time as a teacher, and she has a regular job, perhaps we will be able to take care of each other's higher Mazlow needs.  I told her that, if she ever approaches me about a reconciliation, I will never dismiss the conversation.  She replied that she cannot promise me anything, and she does not feel that way.  I told her that I understood; I just wanted her to know this.  In closing, I just ask God daily for grace to accept what He is taking me through now.

[KathyH]

What a great question..."should I help or stall."  There seem to be so many "shoulds" in a situation like this.  I wonder if there might be a third answer to the question?  You mentioned in your first post something about remaining "neutral."  What does that mean for you?

[Elderdxc]

What a great question..."should I help or stall."  There seem to be so many "shoulds" in a situation like this.  I wonder if there might be a third answer to the question?  You mentioned in your first post something about remaining "neutral."  What does that mean for you?

Remaining neutral would mean doing nothing.  I would simply allow her to do whatever she feels like doing.  If that meant letting her file, get full custody of our son, and force me to pay both alimony and child support.  I would have to trust that God would not allow her to do anything that would be ultimately harmful to me, my son, or her salvation.  It might cost me my marriage.  That is one version of neutrality.

Another might mean that I do respond to her actions to the extent that they could be harmful; I would then defend myself as needed, but do nothing offensive.  If she filed for full custody, I would resist.  If she alimony to an extent that it would make it difficult for me to take care fo myself and my son, I would push for terms that were more reasonable.  My actions would be strictly defensive, however.

What do you mean by neutrality?  I am open to suggestions.