A success story

[Arkstfan]

The church we are currently at has had an outbreak of divorce. So much for the hope that bad economic times would hold marriages together, seems we are having miserable people instead reaching the last straw.

A couple in our small group separated and the lawyers were hired. They have reconciled and the approach we took was for the women to meet with the wife and the men with the husband. We shared our dirty laundry and explained that if we had considered divorce an option we would all likely be divorced now.

We stayed out of the if my spouse would change these things I wouldn't be doing this trap by reminding them that they can never change or control others, we are stuck with only changing what we do and pointing out that the responses they were having to the ill behavior of the other had utterly failed in making change or bringing peace and they would have to find the control to use a different response. We wouldn't carry messages back and forth and told them if they had something to say to the other, telephone, email, text messages, and face-to-face were still available. What each shared stayed with us and we didn't get in the "but he says you..." game.

The staggering thing is that the four of us working with them discovered we were the only support they had not encouraging them to get a divorce and be done with it. Their other friends and family were either just accepting of the divorce option or sick of the turmoil in their marriage.

One day over lunch, the husband gave me his laundry list of her faults and asked me if I would want to be married to a person like that. My answer was, "I didn't ask her to marry me and didn't take it upon myself to pledge the rest of my life with her."

They have reconciled and are doing well.

If you are working with a divorcing couple, pray hard, be realistic, don't play message courier, and ask them to examine themselves.

[chosenone]

The church we are currently at has had an outbreak of divorce. So much for the hope that bad economic times would hold marriages together, seems we are having miserable people instead reaching the last straw.

A couple in our small group separated and the lawyers were hired. They have reconciled and the approach we took was for the women to meet with the wife and the men with the husband. We shared our dirty laundry and explained that if we had considered divorce an option we would all likely be divorced now.

We stayed out of the if my spouse would change these things I wouldn't be doing this trap by reminding them that they can never change or control others, we are stuck with only changing what we do and pointing out that the responses they were having to the ill behavior of the other had utterly failed in making change or bringing peace and they would have to find the control to use a different response. We wouldn't carry messages back and forth and told them if they had something to say to the other, telephone, email, text messages, and face-to-face were still available. What each shared stayed with us and we didn't get in the "but he says you..." game.

The staggering thing is that the four of us working with them discovered we were the only support they had not encouraging them to get a divorce and be done with it. Their other friends and family were either just accepting of the divorce option or sick of the turmoil in their marriage.

One day over lunch, the husband gave me his laundry list of her faults and asked me if I would want to be married to a person like that. My answer was, "I didn't ask her to marry me and didn't take it upon myself to pledge the rest of my life with her."

They have reconciled and are doing well.

If you are working with a divorcing couple, pray hard, be realistic, don't play message courier, and ask them to examine themselves.

That is really good news for that couple. Well done for the help that you all gave them.
Sometimes however it isnt possible as it does take two to want to make it work, and if one doesnt want to or if one has been sexually unfaithful then things may well be very different.
Good to hear that in that case it worked out. Praise God

[Arkstfan]

My awkward purpose was that while it is impossible for one to heal a marriage (one can open the door of possibility, the other must still choose that door), we tend to focus on whoever declares the break and we have to go to the couple and encourage them.

[Serenity432001]

Thanks for sharing that Ark and SO good to see you again.  I always love your input.  That's remarkable what you all did or what God did through you. The idea of working on changing SELF instead of OTHERS is one of the greatest tools we can use.  When you have both people being told, look, you need to change you, not him or her, the chances of making it work are so much greater.  Sounds like you all are really doing Gods will.  Bless you!

Lisa P

[chosenone]

Thanks for sharing that Ark and SO good to see you again.  I always love your input.  That's remarkable what you all did or what God did through you. The idea of working on changing SELF instead of OTHERS is one of the greatest tools we can use.  When you have both people being told, look, you need to change you, not him or her, the chances of making it work are so much greater.  Sounds like you all are really doing Gods will.  Bless you!

Lisa P

Serenity that is SO true. I have heard people moan and moan about their spouses and think that if THEY changed everything would be ok, but it is often THEM that needs to do more changing anyway. Can they see it though? No of course not. Sort of like the speck and the plank thing isnt it.

[Jon-Marc]

Tell me, what would you do about a "marriage" where the wife was selling or giving herself to any man who would have her--including the husband's relatives and in-laws? What would you do about the fact that she said to her husband, "I won't CHANGE!"? This is not a hypothetical question; it happened to me with my first wife.

What about a "marriage" where the wife found out something in her husband's past that she couldn't handle, although it had nothing whatsoever to do with them and happened many years before they met? What would you do about the fact that she rejected him and started criticizing EVERYTHING he said and did--no matter how small it was? That happened to me with my second and final wife. There won't be a third. I divorced the first one. The second one divorced me.

[chosenone]

Tell me, what would you do about a "marriage" where the wife was selling or giving herself to any man who would have her--including the husband's relatives and in-laws? What would you do about the fact that she said to her husband, "I won't CHANGE!"? This is not a hypothetical question; it happened to me with my first wife.

What about a "marriage" where the wife found out something in her husband's past that she couldn't handle, although it had nothing whatsoever to do with them and happened many years before they met? What would you do about the fact that she rejected him and started criticizing EVERYTHING he said and did--no matter how small it was? That happened to me with my second and final wife. There won't be a third. I divorced the first one. The second one divorced me.

Some marriage are just impossible it seems. If your spouse is constantly sexually immoral and wont change then I cant see any alternative but to get divorced.
My brothers ex wife had 4 affairs, lied to him many many times and was never going to change. Even though he isnt a Christian, he forgave her the first two, but when he discovered that the third one with a married man had been going on for two years, he knew that enough was enough. By the time that he started the divorce, she had finished that one and had moved in with another man whose wife had only died abut a month before  How long that one goes on for who knows? How this new guy can trust a women who has had 4 affairs is beyond me but maybe she hasnt told him the truth either.

[Serenity432001]

Tell me, what would you do about a "marriage" where the wife was selling or giving herself to any man who would have her--including the husband's relatives and in-laws? What would you do about the fact that she said to her husband, "I won't CHANGE!"? This is not a hypothetical question; it happened to me with my first wife.

What about a "marriage" where the wife found out something in her husband's past that she couldn't handle, although it had nothing whatsoever to do with them and happened many years before they met? What would you do about the fact that she rejected him and started criticizing EVERYTHING he said and did--no matter how small it was? That happened to me with my second and final wife. There won't be a third. I divorced the first one. The second one divorced me.

Hi, Jon-Marc,

I'm so sorry for your struggles.  I am certainly aware that there are situations that no matter how hard you try to work on yourself, the marriage just ain't gonna make it.   It's like was said earlier, we can't change one another, only ourselves or our situation and sometimes after we've done all we can to change self, then its time to change the situation so please don't think that just because I say, work on you and let her work on her, that I believe it solves all problems, this only works when BOTH people actually will put this into practice and I've seen the other person start to put this into practice after seeing the effects of the one doing this but it certainly isn't true in EVERY case

[chosenone]

Tell me, what would you do about a "marriage" where the wife was selling or giving herself to any man who would have her--including the husband's relatives and in-laws? What would you do about the fact that she said to her husband, "I won't CHANGE!"? This is not a hypothetical question; it happened to me with my first wife.

What about a "marriage" where the wife found out something in her husband's past that she couldn't handle, although it had nothing whatsoever to do with them and happened many years before they met? What would you do about the fact that she rejected him and started criticizing EVERYTHING he said and did--no matter how small it was? That happened to me with my second and final wife. There won't be a third. I divorced the first one. The second one divorced me.

Hi, Jon-Marc,

I'm so sorry for your struggles.  I am certainly aware that there are situations that no matter how hard you try to work on yourself, the marriage just ain't gonna make it.   It's like was said earlier, we can't change one another, only ourselves or our situation and sometimes after we've done all we can to change self, then its time to change the situation so please don't think that just because I say, work on you and let her work on her, that I believe it solves all problems, this only works when BOTH people actually will put this into practice and I've seen the other person start to put this into practice after seeing the effects of the one doing this but it certainly isn't true in EVERY case

You are right serenity. Both spouses have to be humble and admit that they both have things to work on.My husbands previous wife was rather like this, She said that when HE changed, everything would be Ok, but she was actually the main problem as she is very bossy domineering and controlling and can never see anything wrong with herself (others can but not her). This is why it all went wrong and she committed adultery trying to find the 'perfect' man.Of course she didnt, and never will.
Well hubby is perfect for me so I am well happy.

[Nevertheless]

If you are working with a divorcing couple, pray hard, be realistic, don't play message courier, and ask them to examine themselves.

Excellent advice! I would add: guard your own marriage. I don't know why it is, but we often become vulnerable to the problems we help others with.