Should I throw my 18yr old son out of the house?

[remainingfaithful]

This morning I decided to call my son's recruiter after getting the run around from my son about his job.  He adviced me that my son was let go from his job on Jan 9th due to poor attendance. 

Scenario: I am a single mom with two boys.  An 11 year old who goes to school and an 18 year old who decided to drop out but has gotten his G.E.D.   Not only do they live with me but so does my oldest son's girlfriend and their now 2 month old daughter - my grandaughter.   It has been a challenge but with God's strength and guidance I have managed so far to try to work with them and guide them through.  I know that being new parents takes adjusting.  I have to keep reminding myself they are still kids "but" having a child calls for having to grow up and take adult roles. 

We had a huge meeting in my living room Monday January 5th along with her mother.   We discussed what was to be expected from both the girl and my son.  The girl stays home with the baby and I wrote out a list of chores day-today.  My son's job was to keep a job to support them and to help with the yard.  Out of every paycheck he was to give me $50.00 a week.   For the month of December he had made $940.00 net which meant he could afford helping with the bills.  Not only do I pay all the bills, groceries, and gas... including a cell phone for the both of us.    I told them in order for them to make it they had to help each other out and support each other.

I clearly remember him not going into work that Friday, Jan 9th.  He lied to me and said that his boss wasn't gonna be in so that he didn't have to go in either.  Than that following Monday, Jan 12th he also called in and was honest enough to say he was tired.  I told him if he lost his job that there was nothing I could do to help him anymore.  He told me he didn't like his job and I told him he had to hang tough until he saved up enough money for a car.  The job he had was walking distance and he was making $8.00 an hour.  Since he has lost his job due to "laziness."  He has been at home playing video games with his girlfriend in my son's room and just making a mess.  I feel as if they are not worried and hold the baby over my head.

I feel as if the time has come for "Tough Loving"  and ask him to move out.  The only problem is that I'm worried what will happen to that baby.  I do not want to throw out the girl and my grandbaby but they are a package deal.  I worry for the baby.   

I AM TRULY DESPERATE FOR ADVICE FROM PARENTS THAT HAVE HAD TO GO THRU THIS ALREADY. 

[HeRestoresMyHeart]

bring on the tough love, don't be an enabler and don't allow them to extort you with the baby or anything otherwise they will always know they can get away with it.  They were old enough to make a child, are physically able and now need to be responsible for their choices!  I worked since I was 14 years old up until I was pregnant with my daughter and placed on bed rest - I was 37 years old at that time, these two need to learn that it is time to grow up and stop acting like children if they were irresponsible enough to make a child at such a young age then their childhood has officially ended and its time to take on the consequences! 

You can be their support emotionally or even in hard times down the road if they have shown a consistent effort to take on their responsibilities but by doing it all for them and allowing the laziness you just enable them to never grow up.

[remainingfaithful]

Thank you for your advice.  Any advice is always appreciated.

[chosenone]

I would maybe set a boundary as in tell them that they have three months or whatever to be more responsible and hold down a job and pay their way or they will have to leave.
This will give him the opportunity to do the right thing rather than throw them out now . Set a date in the future three months from now and as times goes on keep reminding then of the date in question and stay firm. I know it must be tough for you because they are very young and the baby makes it harder of course, but he has a family now and he will have to learn sooner rather than later that he has to grow up and be responsible for them.

is there any way that they could get a home of their own now that they have a baby? I think in the UK where I live the council have to give a couple a flat if they
have a child, and then at least they will have to cope alone and that may be good for them.

[fanuvmxpx]

Tell your son to be a man and figure it out. He was old enough to bring a child into the world, he can hold down a simple job. You don't quit your job, especially with a family, because "you don't like it". You find something else first.

Give your son an ultimatum, and stick to it. If he is desperate for money, and is too immature to hold a job, he needs to join the military to get some discipline instilled in his life. He needs to feel honored to have his child & mother at home and that he is taking care of them.

Don't back off, he will thank you for it later. In some ways, rebellious youths are "asking" for discipline & responsibility. Teach him the meaning of the words, and if he refuses to grasp it with family love, let the military make him a man.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

So tell the girl that she and the baby can stay, but that your son has to get out.

[kensington]

So tell the girl that she and the baby can stay, but that your son has to get out.

I agree with this... I don't see it as throwing him out, but asking him to stand on his own two feet.  I don't see any point in laying down new rules and regulations, when he broke the first agreement with you made in faith to HELP HIM.  He is taking advantage of you and needs to go. You need to have your home back and to be able to come home and rest in your off hours.  Taking care of your 11 year old is your responsibility.  Not him, or her or even the baby. 

I would ask him to leave.  Recruiter?  If he going military?  If he is and you have a signed contract with the recruiter, then I may let him stay until he ships... if not... he needs to go.

[KarriLee]

Take authority over the situation spiritually. Bind up the enemy and spirit of laziness on your son, then begin thanking God constantly for your answered prayer. Realize that we do not fight flesh and blood but principalities of darkness. Fight them using the Spiritual weapons that God gave you, including: your full spiritual armour, prayer (especially in the Spirit), confessions, coming into agreement with other believers, love, praise, etc.

Remember that the devil comes to kill steal and destroy. Don't try to handle this situation naturally, as it is NOT a natural problem, it is a spiritual problem. You are a child of God, and you can turn this whole situation around if you do what God says. The Bible is our blueprint, and His ways work.

Remember, what the devil means for our harm, God will use for good, if you work WITH him. Don't let the devil steal your children. Stand on God's promises. Find scripture regarding the promised God made for our children, and then start confessing them. Don't worry. Worry is the opposite of prayer and will take the power out of your prayer because you simply cannot have faith and worry at the same time.

Don't keep asking God for the same thing (ie. change my son). Once you have asked Him once, then believe that your prayers are answered and begin thanking Him. If you continue to pray the same thing, then you are in effect not believing God heard your prayer. But thank Him and praise Him. Your son will come around. What would Jesus do? That's a question we don't hear enough of anymore.

Confess these and similar confessions, OUT LOUD, frequently, no matter what you decide about keeping him or not:
-my children are an inheritance from God
-my children are part of the fruit I bear in life
-my children are a reward from God
-my children are a blessing
-my children walk in the light
-my children serve God
-as for me and my house, we serve The LORD
-my children will fulfill God's plan for them
-my son is a Godly father
-my son provides for his child
..etc...

Remember to call those things that aren't as though they be.

love, hugs and blessings

[Pokhara]

I live in the UK.

Could you get the Usonian equivalent of social services involved?

[Corriher]

The person asking this question asked because it was troubling.  It was troubling because of a an attack of conscience.  Deep down, the person asking this question already knew the right answer, and I hope the right choices were made.  I feel for her.  The attack of conscience is a good indication of her overall character.

However, I cannot state the same for some of the replies.  We see recommendations here that he be thrown out and away (as soon as possible -- 18), because he cannot offer money; due to his job loss.  The logic must be to wait until he's already down to kick him, right?  Such arguments are far more about money and power than about principals, and in fact, they convey a lack of principals in those making these arguments.  There is certainly nothing christian about them.  "Tough love"?  Real love is never tough.   Here is love:

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance... There are three things that will endure: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love."

— The New Living Translation Bible (1 Corinthians 13)

The reply about forcing him into the military really takes the cake.  So, if this person is abused for years, and is forced to commit mass murder... get this... he will somehow become a better person and a better christian?  Did I actually read that right?  Would Christ today be a marine, or perhaps in the special forces?  Which Iraqi hospital would the Christ target with heavy artillery?  Would he be a drill sergeant or an officer?

[lightshineon]

 Maybe this has been ask, if so I apologize. Why are these children not married? If they are not they just could not live in my home. Their baby deserves better. He has made a mans choice to have relations and become a dad. I would help them find something like HUD, support them emotionally, helping with used furniture, but it is time to let go, and teach him to be a man. With you being a single mom, maybe he does not know how too, and maybe if they are not in church they could find one that could be of good counsel.

[Natesgirl]

My mom made me pay her $450/mo while my daughter and I stayed with her.  I made $8/hr. at the time (I was 19).  Listen, I know it's hard to bring on the "tough love" but some times, you just have to do it.  My mother taught me responsibility.  She showed me that things aren't just handed over to me in life.  It's because of her tough love that I bought my first new car at the age of 19, paid it off at 22 and bought my first home (as a single mother) at the age of 26.