How To Give Your Cat a Pill...

[OneLung]

How To Give Your Cat a Pill...

• 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
• 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
• 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
• 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut and count to ten.
• 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Ask spouse for help.
• 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
• 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from shelf and set to one side for gluing later.
• 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.
• 9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
• 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
• 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
• 12. Retrieve cat from neighbor's tree. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
• 13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, get heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
• 14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
• 15. Arrange for Humane Society to come get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any dogs.

How to Give Your Dog a Pill...

• 1. Wrap it in bacon.

Dogs are, without a doubt, mans best friend.

[MrQuietGuy]

I know from experience -- it's true.

[Mystery Man]

I know from experience -- it's true.

Then why do they crap all over your lawn, and the cat buries its crap ?

Take the hint.  The cat loves you and the dog hates you.

That is why I have both a cat and a dog = Balance

[Mere Nick]

Dogs are, without a doubt, mans best friend.

Yes they are, and cats are vermin.  Why bother giving a cat a pill?  Just shoot it.

[MrQuietGuy]

When I said it's true, I didn't mean I prefer dogs. I mean it's true about how to give a cat a pill. That's what I love about them. They're independent like me.

[Mere Nick]

When I said it's true, I didn't mean I prefer dogs. I mean it's true about how to give a cat a pill. That's what I love about them. They're independent like me.

Cockroaches are independent, too, and are about as useful.

[MrQuietGuy]

Cockroaches are independent, too, and are about as useful.

Gotta love 'em.

[Mystery Man]

When I said it's true, I didn't mean I prefer dogs. I mean it's true about how to give a cat a pill. That's what I love about them. They're independent like me.

Cats are independent ?   Geesh, during the summer, I throw my cat outdoords and it keeps coming back looking for a free meal.

At the very least my dog might kill a rabbit for supper.   

[OneLung]

That's because cats are Democrats and dogs are Republicans.

[Mere Nick]

That's because cats are Democrats and dogs are Republicans.

Probably, since dogs have the capacity to be decent creatures.

[Mystery Man]

That's because cats are Democrats and dogs are Republicans.

Probably, since dogs have the capacity to be decent creatures.

I do not believe that a certain party distnguishes between being decent or indecent.  I just think that both parties represent the basic human nature -- Unsound minds.

[Jaime]

Dogs are, without a doubt, mans best friend.

Yes they are, and cats are vermin.  Why bother giving a cat a pill?  Just shoot it.

Amen. They are vermin with an attitude.

[fanuvmxpx]

Then why do they crap all over your lawn, and the cat buries its crap ?

Take the hint.  The cat loves you and the dog hates you.

That is why I have both a cat and a dog = Balance

Because dogs like to add fertilizer to keep your yard, keeping it looking beautiful. Cats shred anything of value to you. That's why there are scratching posts for them.

[Mystery Man]

That's because cats are Democrats and dogs are Republicans.

Those dogs are always taxed !

Cats are free from taxation

[OneLung]

MM, my dog says, "Woof you."

[Mystery Man]

MM, my dog says, "Woof you."

I'll have to take that one up with my translator.  I'll get back to you .  Let your dog know, that my dog speaks his language.