SEXUAL ABUSE

[dpot1111111]

I AM CURRETLY SEEING A GIRL WHO HAS A HISTORY OF SEXUAL ABUSE. SHE HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH WELL OVER 50 PARTNERS BEFORE I MEET HER SHE IS 27 AND SHE WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED FROM THE AGE OF 4-18 BY HER GRANDFATHER, HER GRANDFATHERS SON, AND A DAUGHTER OF ONE OF HER MOTHERS FRIENDS, AND SHE WAS RAPED BY ONE OF HER EX-BOYFRIENDS AT KNIFE POINT. SHE HAS SHARED ALOT OF HER PERSONAL HISTORY WITH ME AND TO BE VERY HONEST I INTEND ON MARRYING HER. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP HER THROUGH THIS EARLY STAGE OF LIFE.

[ex cathedra]

Get in touch with your denominations child  and family services.
They will have professional people who know what they are talking about they will be able to
help or direct you to where you can get  good sound godly advice.

[chosenone]

Has she ever had any professional help with the affects of the abuse?
Also is she a Christian? That is very important as if you are and she isnt that can cause so many problems.If she is she will need to have some prayer/ministry with some people who are very experienced in this area and gifted by God in this also.
Please pray hard as to whether she is to be your wife. Dont just think you will marry her becuase you feel bad for her or sorry for her, but only
because it is what God is leading you to do. The road ahead may be long and hard for you so you will need a lot of patience and wisdom and help.
Have you heard of Joyce Meyer? She was sexually abused by her father for many years and when her husband married her he was often in  despair many times as she was so hurt and so damaged and so difficult to live with. He was the right guy and so they eventually got through it with Gods help,and of course she has an amazing ministry now and God uses what she has been through to help others..
God Bless

[fanuvmxpx]

You will be in for a life of sacrifices. Someone I know (in their 50's), to this day, suffers the repercussions of the emotional damage that comes with molestation & rape. Prepare yourself mentally if you plan on marrying her. Understand that things will probably be taken out on you.

Are you ready to help her for life? If you cannot say yes, you should re-consider marriage.

[jessbuds]

If you love her and accepted her despite of what she'd been thru and if you are sure that your love is true then marry her otherwise dont because her problem will just get worst. abused people are emotionally unstable and you should be aware of that and maybe her sexual behavior is already abromal too so you should be prepared of these things. You can help by assuring and showing that no matter her past were you love her as she is.

[scarsacred]

I AM CURRETLY SEEING A GIRL WHO HAS A HISTORY OF SEXUAL ABUSE. SHE HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH WELL OVER 50 PARTNERS BEFORE I MEET HER SHE IS 27 AND SHE WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED FROM THE AGE OF 4-18 BY HER GRANDFATHER, HER GRANDFATHERS SON, AND A DAUGHTER OF ONE OF HER MOTHERS FRIENDS, AND SHE WAS RAPED BY ONE OF HER EX-BOYFRIENDS AT KNIFE POINT. SHE HAS SHARED ALOT OF HER PERSONAL HISTORY WITH ME AND TO BE VERY HONEST I INTEND ON MARRYING HER. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP HER THROUGH THIS EARLY STAGE OF LIFE.

You sound like a very strong. You have accomplished so much with the

struggles that you have had in your life. I can't exactly help you with your

decision but what I can give you is support. Your story really touched me.
Be true to thyself". I hope this helps you and I will be praying for you. Things

have a way of working themselves out. You never know. You never know who

you may meet that could change your life and help you through your struggles!

:)

Link deleted per rule 3.3 - you must have 20 posts

[DrFrank]

One of the most significant facts is that the girl has had over 50 sex partners and she is only 27.This is evidence that she either is not a Christian and/or she is mentally ill and therefore not suitable for a marital relationship at this time.

[HRoberson]

Why are you intending to marry her?

If she has never had counseling, she should find a Christian licensed counselor (a real, licensed counselor who has a committed Christian faith and some graduate work in Bible/theology/ministry).

The counselor needs to not be a pastor or unlicensed counselor, nor a Bible thumper.

That counseling thing only applies if someone has not had significant and sufficient therapy.

[phoebe]

I AM CURRETLY SEEING A GIRL WHO HAS A HISTORY OF SEXUAL ABUSE. SHE HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH WELL OVER 50 PARTNERS BEFORE I MEET HER SHE IS 27 AND SHE WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED FROM THE AGE OF 4-18 BY HER GRANDFATHER, HER GRANDFATHERS SON, AND A DAUGHTER OF ONE OF HER MOTHERS FRIENDS, AND SHE WAS RAPED BY ONE OF HER EX-BOYFRIENDS AT KNIFE POINT. SHE HAS SHARED ALOT OF HER PERSONAL HISTORY WITH ME AND TO BE VERY HONEST I INTEND ON MARRYING HER. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP HER THROUGH THIS EARLY STAGE OF LIFE.

#1) Accept that you can't fix her.

[Zrinyi]

I AM CURRETLY SEEING A GIRL WHO HAS A HISTORY OF SEXUAL ABUSE. SHE HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH WELL OVER 50 PARTNERS BEFORE I MEET HER SHE IS 27 AND SHE WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED FROM THE AGE OF 4-18 BY HER GRANDFATHER, HER GRANDFATHERS SON, AND A DAUGHTER OF ONE OF HER MOTHERS FRIENDS, AND SHE WAS RAPED BY ONE OF HER EX-BOYFRIENDS AT KNIFE POINT. SHE HAS SHARED ALOT OF HER PERSONAL HISTORY WITH ME AND TO BE VERY HONEST I INTEND ON MARRYING HER. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP HER THROUGH THIS EARLY STAGE OF LIFE.

Love her in every way you can. People who are sexually abused are often left feeling like there is something missing inside them (especially those who have not yet recieved counselling), like there is a great big hole they cannot fill no matter how hard they try. This is why victims of abuse often indulge in drugs, promiscuity and all sorts of reckless behaviour - not because they are evil sinners, but because they are desperately trying to fill that gapping wound and they probably do not know how else to do it.

Show her that you love her completely, remind her that God loves her completely. I believe you can help her heal by filling that terrible wound with LOVE.

[Victorious]

This is such a difficult thing to advise someone on.  One poster asked if she were Christian.  If you check "yes" to that, then proceed with caution and gird your loins to support and work with her "soul damage."  It won't be easy, but Christ can do miracles.  If she's not saved, under no circumstances should you marry her since you should not be unequally yokes.  She needs the spiritual support that the Lord and His children can give.

God bless you.  That one is not easy.

[JohnDB]

With that kind of abuse history and the extensiveness of it...

I wouldn't marry her...I would run away with the broken heart you will likely have and understand that the broken you will feel now will be nothing like the broken heart you will end up with if you marry her. (It was the ongoing abuse on into the teenage years and she didn't do enough to stop it...when she knew she could...that will drive your and her pain) The multiple sexual partners speaks to boundaries that most learn at an early age that she doesn't own. Most mentally healthy adults have boundaries that we don't cross when it comes to family...she doesn't and won't own them. Respect for you as a husband being cheif on your concern list.

She is going to have a host of mental health issues that really can only be managed and not fixed. The ride you are wanting to go on in having a permanant relationship with this woman isn't something that I would wish on anyone.

Others have committed the crimes but she inadvertantly is going to take them out on you...and since you are likely going to ignore this post...you will have my sincerest sympathies for the pain you are about to inflict upon yourself.

[Norton]

JohnDB gives good advice. I am sorry, but she is broke and the odds are, you will not be able to fix her.  Sad, but true.
I

[yesult]

You won't be able to fix her.

Thinking that you will can cause you both a lot of pain if you go into the relationship believing that and then find it isn't true and can't 'make it work'. That can just add another layer to her pain unnecessarily.

You can only love her regardless. And if you have children, seeing them wearing the damage of a mother with that much emotional damage can be quite heartrending. Particularly if it's enough to send them into similar behavioural patterns in later life which can happen.

It isn't just your own emotional future you're gambling with here. It's any childrens you might have with her as well.  The bible tells us to treat others the way that we would like them to treat us is one of the fundamental principles of christianity.  That however means your children as well as your wife. And finding out the hard way later that you've 'bitten off more then you can chew' is unfair to everyone.

So a mistake in this area could be quite devestating.

[Eagle]

With that kind of abuse history and the extensiveness of it...

I wouldn't marry her...I would run away with the broken heart you will likely have and understand that the broken you will feel now will be nothing like the broken heart you will end up with if you marry her. (It was the ongoing abuse on into the teenage years and she didn't do enough to stop it...when she knew she could...that will drive your and her pain) The multiple sexual partners speaks to boundaries that most learn at an early age that she doesn't own. Most mentally healthy adults have boundaries that we don't cross when it comes to family...she doesn't and won't own them. Respect for you as a husband being cheif on your concern list.

She is going to have a host of mental health issues that really can only be managed and not fixed. The ride you are wanting to go on in having a permanant relationship with this woman isn't something that I would wish on anyone.

Others have committed the crimes but she inadvertantly is going to take them out on you...and since you are likely going to ignore this post...you will have my sincerest sympathies for the pain you are about to inflict upon yourself.

Sadly i must agree with this exultant advice.

[chosenone]

JohnDB gives good advice. I am sorry, but she is broke and the odds are, you will not be able to fix her.  Sad, but true.
I

So are we saying that God cannot heal an abused person?Are we saying that if we meet an abused person we have to stay away? What a terrible scenario.
I know a few who were abused as children and they have been healed in amazing ways by God. Take Joyce Meyer. She was terribly sexually and physically abused by her father and yet she, with the help and support of her husband Dave, is now amazingly healed and is used mightily by God to help others who have been hurt. She is a picture of what God can do in a damaged persons life.
yes it takes a very special spouse to be able to help in this way, and many could not cope with it, but it can and does happen.

[BAH-BLAH]

Know this....most likely your married sex life is doomed at some point. thats not being mean or cold...its a fact.

Im not saying that right now your future sex life is more important than her brokenness, im saying that her brokenness MUST BE healed perfectly and completely before you marry, IF you marry.

Read boards, story after story of marriages gone sexless after 20 years based on the past arising again.

It may seem uncouth I raise the point. If you get there, 20 years on, remember these words.

Because the entire world will come down AGAINST you then. You married her AS IS.....YOU cant fix her.

[JohnDB]

Know this....most likely your married sex life is doomed at some point. thats not being mean or cold...its a fact.

Im not saying that right now your future sex life is more important than her brokenness, im saying that her brokenness MUST BE healed perfectly and completely before you marry, IF you marry.

Read boards, story after story of marriages gone sexless after 20 years based on the past arising again.

It may seem uncouth I raise the point. If you get there, 20 years on, remember these words.

Because the entire world will come down AGAINST you then. You married her AS IS.....YOU cant fix her.

From what I have been able to glean and understand...

when the real intimacy of mariage begins...when the two people really understand and get to know each other well as only family members can...that is when the physical intimacy stops...
The abused person begins to try to somehow make you into that person that the abuser should have been.

they also tend to take out all of that anger and rage on their spouse as well.
This can take on many forms...such as false accusations constantly making out the other person to be a perpetrator...or just anger and rage over insignificant slights...keeping those things harbored for unreasonable amounts of time...and of course it is always "the other one's fault" The abused person is never guilty of anything at any time...or feels a need to apologize in all truth...they might...but they simply don't mean it.

It is a very sad scenario every time.

But the op is likely gone and won't return...ah well.

[son of God]

JohnDB gives good advice. I am sorry, but she is broke and the odds are, you will not be able to fix her.  Sad, but true.
I

So are we saying that God cannot heal an abused person?Are we saying that if we meet an abused person we have to stay away? What a terrible scenario.
I know a few who were abused as children and they have been healed in amazing ways by God. Take Joyce Meyer. She was terribly sexually and physically abused by her father and yet she, with the help and support of her husband Dave, is now amazingly healed and is used mightily by God to help others who have been hurt. She is a picture of what God can do in a damaged persons life.
yes it takes a very special spouse to be able to help in this way, and many could not cope with it, but it can and does happen.

Spot on.  If God doesn't give complete and total and undeniable healing and victory in all things, toss him out the window!!!!!!

(2Ti 3:5)  having a form of godliness, but denying the power of it; even turn away from these.

My God can do all things in a person that repents.  Why not your's?

[Elaine]

JohnDB gives good advice. I am sorry, but she is broke and the odds are, you will not be able to fix her.  Sad, but true.
I

So are we saying that God cannot heal an abused person?Are we saying that if we meet an abused person we have to stay away? What a terrible scenario.
I know a few who were abused as children and they have been healed in amazing ways by God. Take Joyce Meyer. She was terribly sexually and physically abused by her father and yet she, with the help and support of her husband Dave, is now amazingly healed and is used mightily by God to help others who have been hurt. She is a picture of what God can do in a damaged persons life.
yes it takes a very special spouse to be able to help in this way, and many could not cope with it, but it can and does happen.

You are right chosenone - -it can and does happen and it takes a special guy - like Joyce's husband sounds like - what a rock!

Tho, I understand what the others have said - it could/would be quite a challenge.
A spouse would have to be so strong in their connection and faith in the Lord, daily.

[chosenone]

JohnDB gives good advice. I am sorry, but she is broke and the odds are, you will not be able to fix her.  Sad, but true.
I

So are we saying that God cannot heal an abused person?Are we saying that if we meet an abused person we have to stay away? What a terrible scenario.
I know a few who were abused as children and they have been healed in amazing ways by God. Take Joyce Meyer. She was terribly sexually and physically abused by her father and yet she, with the help and support of her husband Dave, is now amazingly healed and is used mightily by God to help others who have been hurt. She is a picture of what God can do in a damaged persons life.
yes it takes a very special spouse to be able to help in this way, and many could not cope with it, but it can and does happen.

You are right chosenone - -it can and does happen and it takes a special guy - like Joyce's husband sounds like - what a rock!

Tho, I understand what the others have said - it could/would be quite a challenge.
A spouse would have to be so strong in their connection and faith in the Lord, daily.

\

yes her husband dave actually asked God for a wife who needed help, and boy did he get what he asked for (as Joyce says), but see what amazing things God has done through her and him.
There can be sexual problems in a marriage even if the spouses have no history of abuse. One spouse can be uninterested or cold even if they have been bought up in a  good family. One spouse can have sexual hangups with no good reason, so we can never generalise that just becuase one has been abused thereforoe there will be sexual problems., or any other problem.

[light2theworld]

I dont think you should marry her. You should be her friend and help her for at least 5-10 years before you should even consider a relationship with her. Also you both should get a STD test because 50 people is alot and even with only 1 person it could be the wrong 1.

Also if you have kids is she stable enough to be a mother?

[BAH-BLAH]

JohnDB gives good advice. I am sorry, but she is broke and the odds are, you will not be able to fix her.  Sad, but true.
I

So are we saying that God cannot heal an abused person?Are we saying that if we meet an abused person we have to stay away? What a terrible scenario.
I know a few who were abused as children and they have been healed in amazing ways by God. Take Joyce Meyer. She was terribly sexually and physically abused by her father and yet she, with the help and support of her husband Dave, is now amazingly healed and is used mightily by God to help others who have been hurt. She is a picture of what God can do in a damaged persons life.
yes it takes a very special spouse to be able to help in this way, and many could not cope with it, but it can and does happen.

You are right chosenone - -it can and does happen and it takes a special guy - like Joyce's husband sounds like - what a rock!

Tho, I understand what the others have said - it could/would be quite a challenge.
A spouse would have to be so strong in their connection and faith in the Lord, daily.

\

yes her husband dave actually asked God for a wife who needed help, and boy did he get what he asked for (as Joyce says), but see what amazing things God has done through her and him.
There can be sexual problems in a marriage even if the spouses have no history of abuse. One spouse can be uninterested or cold even if they have been bought up in a  good family. One spouse can have sexual hangups with no good reason, so we can never generalise that just becuase one has been abused thereforoe there will be sexual problems., or any other problem.

Yes we can generalize, because statistics back it up overwhelmingly.

Its NOT his obligation and the point is he needs to not feel guilt if he chooses to not marry this person. In fact, it will take much courage to NOT marry her as to marry her because of the predictable blowback

[happypromises]

I totally disagree with all those who say 'run'.

If she is willing to get help and I mean, really, deeply get into counselling and she is committed to living her life before God, then wow, what healing can take place.  God is the restorer and the healer and he takes broken people (when they submit to him) and he puts them back together.  Look at Joyce Meyer, abused by her father from an early age, damaged herself in every way with drugs, drink, stealing, marrying a guy who beat her.  She lost a brother to drug addiction and hated herself for large chunks of her life - when she met her now husband, he could see the potential.   Over years of God slowly healing and mending her broken life, she is now in full time ministry.

If God calls you to be with this woman and he is giving you the strength and the courage to do it, then GO for it!   Make sure that you are in God's will and are following His guidance - but if He has called you for this task, then do not let the doomsayers say otherwise.

[Man_Of_Honor]

I dont think you should marry her. You should be her friend and help her for at least 5-10 years before you should even consider a relationship with her. Also you both should get a STD test because 50 people is alot and even with only 1 person it could be the wrong 1.

Also if you have kids is she stable enough to be a mother?

+1.

The woman needs to first build and maintain a relationship with God. She is not ready to be involved with anyone at the moment. She would need to focus on herself entirely first. Like mentioned above, you can be her support system, but being involved in a relationship with her may/may not be healthy for you spiritually. You have consider if you are ready to go with this challenge everyday spiritually. Would you be able to handle this and not bail at the first sign of trouble?

A few mentioned about the story of Joyce and her husband. However, not everyone is built to go through that path. It is possible with God being the centerpiece of the relationship. None can fault you if you decide to not pursue a relationship with the woman other than being a friend of hers at this moment.