Two Relationships

[NeedSaving]

Hello everyone. I would like some comments and advice. This is my story.
I am late 40s had been married for a long time until my husband passed away. I was not in a relationship for another 4 years until this guy came along. We got along well, he respected me and built me up in the areas I am most proud of. He would treat me well and do those little things that women like. We met whenever he was in town and spent time together over 2 1/2 years.

He however had to return to his own country (we were both not living in our countries of birth) and that along with other circumstances dictated that we could not see each other very often and he could only see me when he had a chance to return to this country. However my e-mails would go unanswered for long periods of time. He called me occasionally but that soon stopped too. I was unsure if we were in a relationship any longer.

During his long absence and lack of contact I met another guy ( Let's call him guy C also a christian like myself, the former guy Guy B  isn't but I always dreamed of him coming to church with me).
Guy C and I got along well. He is younger than I am but we laugh together and he is fun to be with and he is kind. Guy C started very quickly to "fall in love" with me (for lack of a better expression). I spent time with him walking in the park, holding hands and just enjoying life with him BUT I told him I could not say I was in love with him. I kept the story of Guy B from him but eventually it came out.

Guy C tells me that any guy that doesn't contact you in 2009 without a good reason probably doesn't want to contact you. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I kept holding on and kept e-mailing him with no reply or an occasional reply until finally there was one final reply that although it didn't say goodbye it was tantamount to goodbye if you read between the lines. And so I continued with Guy C not giving him any committment and that really bothered him But he kept pushing on.

The months passed and me and Guy C got closer and closer until I thought I was ready to committ to him. But it seems that he started to suffer from burnout from the wait and constant discussions about Guy  B and if he really wanted me or not and if I really was in a relationship with a guy who was never here and never contacted me.

I finally comitted to Guy C and we still got along well and did the usual things and enjoyed life but there were two problems.

1) He was lacklustre about his love for me and never reassured me. That worried me alot. The relationship started to seem one sided. Looks like I was now persuing him whereas he was pursuing me in the beginning. The tables had turned.
2) Although Guy C is kind and gentle and fun, we are many times at odds over the way I do things and he sometimes raises his voice when we have an argument. He does Not Build me up in the areas I am proud of like guy B does either. However Guy C has redeeming qualities. He doesn't allow the sun to go down on our wrath, he always tried to sort things out and I like that.

We continued like this for a year (with no contact from Guy B) and I reassured Guy C of my comittment to him. Although guy C seemd as normal I couldn't get him to reassure me. But we had a good time anyway except for the arguments.

After almost one year Guy B suddenly shows up and contacts me and says he'd like to meet me. I was confused, panicked, agreed, met him, he said he still loved me, I said I still loved him, went with him to his hotel and had sex with him, stayed the night while guy C was calling me and trying to contact me.
That was the first time in a whole year that Guy C was unable to contact me. Needless to say he was unnerved and anxious.

The next morning I felt terrible. Of course I didn't want to tell Guy C about what happened but I needed an explanation. I invented an elaborate lie and told it to him. He seemed to believe it but he is a smart guy and somethings didn't make sense so eventually I broke down and told him the truth. I cried for maybe 3 days in talks with him about it. He cried alot too.

I told him I didn't want to lose him. I told him I don't know why I had sex with Guy B. I apologised profusely.
I wanted to tell Guy B about the relationship with Guy C but the words would not come out.

Me and Guy C are now trying to piece our lives back together now. It is hard and Guy C said he forgives me and he also says he accepts responsibility ofr not reassuring me in our relationship.

Guy B has gone back to his country again and still doesn't know about my yearlong relationship with Guy C.

Please comment and tell me what we should do next.

[chosenone]

Hi needsaving
I am a similar age to you (I am in my early 50's) and was also on my own for 6 years in my case after a very traumatic and sudden divorce and am now married again.
From what you have said this is how it comes over to me and what I would advise.

Forget about guy b, he sounds like bad news. He isnt a christian and doesnt even bother to contact you for months on end and when he does, you go running and have sex with him. He is using you.There seems little future with him and we are told not to be uneaqually yoked with an unbeliever.Also if he isnt going to live here and you arent going to live there then what it the point anyway?
If he really did love you he wouldnt be treating you so badly and casually. I mean  he didnt bother to contact you for a year and you just ran to him? What are you thinking of?
Words are cheap, its easy to say "I love you" but which man is showing you love and which man is just saying it but not showing it?I think you know the answer to that one.

As for guy c. he has put up with a lot from you, and I cant blame him for getting fed up with waiting and fed up with hearing about this (wonderful) other man.  If he is prepared to forgive you then thank the Lord as many wouldnt. If you want to make it work with this guy c, you have to let go of the other man, put that behind you , STOP thinking about him,STOP any contact with him (and tell him not to contact you ever again)) and STOP comparing guy c to him. How horrible that must be for guy c when you do that.The grass is always greener the saying goes, but it never is actually.
In other words if you want to stay with guy c concentrate on him and him alone. We can all compare our partners with others but that is guaranteed to make us feel discontent. If you wont let go of guy b then guy c will dissappear and who could actually blame him?
No one is perfect including you, including guy b and including guy c.

[tracice]

Very well said chosenone. Nothing to add. You said it all

[yesult]

Forgive yourself - but if guy C breaks it off, then don't try and manipulate him through guilt into staying with you. You were really dishonest with him in this situation and you were completly in the wrong.

He's right to leave you if he chooses.

[NeedSaving]

I want to thank you all for your advice. it has gone a long way. Both myself and Guy C have read your replies and we have talked about it. We are still working on it. You input has been very helpful to me. Thank you.

[GojuBrian]

 I was pursuing a woman in a similar situation as yours. After a while I grew weary of the whole thing and decided to break it off. Then ,all of a sudden, she decided how much she needed me. Things just aren't the same after so much rejection.

Hope you guys can work it out. Be honest with eachother.

Much love!!

[chosenone]

Forgive yourself - but if guy C breaks it off, then don't try and manipulate him through guilt into staying with you. You were really dishonest with him in this situation and you were completly in the wrong.

He's right to leave you if he chooses.

also if guy c does leave dont carry on with guy b, he sounds like a loser and seems to care littile about you.

[fanuvmxpx]

It seems like you created drama for yourself and have commitment issues. You don't appear to love Guy C at all, you should feel very fortunate if he decides to trust you at this point.

You dumped Guy C like yesterday's garbage when you decided that sex with Guy B was more important than this man who was trying to love you. Do you still get the happy ending after all the drama you've created for Guy C? I guess its up to him.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

Frankly, I think Guy C is a little too nice.

Guy B is either trying to use you unrepentantly, or he's just emotionally unstable.  Either way...

And why do you need reassuring?  I mean, don't answer here, but maybe, ask your counselor.  You should see a relationship counselor if you aren't already.  So should "C."