Should I marry this girl or not?? Need advice!

[SoConfused]

I'm 26 and dating a girl 6 years younger than me.  We've been dating for about a year and it seems to be getting to a point where I either need to marry this girl or move on.  And lately she is really pushing for marriage or break-up in what almost amounts to an ultimatum.  And that is why I'm here and need help!

Initially everything was going great (same story you've heard a hundred times), and then after about 4-5 months I could tell that she was hiding a lot of hurt, anger and frustrations in her life.  She just seemed like a very intense, controlling person, who was very easily stressed out when things didn't go her way.  She also battled bouts of cutting (self-injury) and minor eating disorders, but claimed that those things were largely in the past, even though she battled with them in our relationship as well.  And I had known from before we even started dating that she had been sexually molested as a young girl by a neighbor-babysitter, but she claimed that it didn't really affect her and for the first months of the relationship, it seemed like she was very well adjusted.  I was determined to work through it and couldn't simply dismiss her based on what had happened to her as an innocent young child.  Of course this was her first long-term relationship so she was doing the usual hiding her emotional pain and putting on a good act whenever she was around me.  Basically not really being her true self. 

I convinced her to seek counseling which she started a couple months ago and had a lot of hope that it would help her work through her emotions and early traumas.  She isn't a very forgiving person and seems to harbor hurt and grievances and not let go of them very easily, and I was hoping that the more help she got, the more she would be likely to start the healing process. 

Basically she is young, emotionally in turmoil, and has a tendency towards needless drama that I find aggravating as can be.  Even the slightest injustice can send her into an angry meltdown.  These things drive me crazy!  I've known since going through a couple very emotional/dramatic girlfriends that I am not very good with unnecessary drama, and asked her before we were dating "are you emotional

[kristinaf]

My personal opinion is that she is too emotionally unbalanced for you.  This is either something you can tolerate or not tolerate, but you seem to hint that you find this very aggravating/wouldn't want someone cutting themselves and going into an emotional frenzy for the mother of your children.  You have to be honest with yourself.  But, again, this is only my opinion. 

Are you sexually involved?  Because sometimes being in a sinful relationship can make women act crazy.  I should know, because when I was in a relationship like that, I was actin crazy too!!  I desperately wanted a committment from that man and I wasn't getting one, so I would freak out emotionally at him, yell at him, oh boy it was a mess.  I was simulataneously driving him away, mind you.   ::cryingtears::Oh well...I know now not to make that mistake again.  No sex before marriage for me!!  Girls can get pretty emotional, because sex is an emotional (as well as physical) experience for them.  I'm sure guys have emotions n all, (just kidding) but girls get really emotionally involved after they have sex with a guy. 

I hope that helps.  You need to trust your instincts, and trust what you feel God is telling you to do.  And don't settle for someone you "think" you can change.  They usually don't change, it only gets worse when you marry them, because then you end up resenting them because they are not who you wanted them to be...that better self that they simply are not. 

Good luck, my dear...

oh and p.s. Don't worry...if you decide that she's not the one, there are millions of other fish out there!!  Trust me!!  I recently almost settled for a guy just because he was the only Christian guy in my life interested in me who was looking to get married.  And what a dumb decision that would have been!!!  I wish you luck...rooting for ya...

Kristina

[SoConfused]

No, we have probably gone too far but no sex.  She's a virgin.  And I agree that it can make anyone act crazy, not just girls ;)  I wondered if that maybe had something to do with it awhile back but feel like I've studied her moods and drama enough to know that it's not just that.  And she claims that she's been "acting like that her whole life" and remembers blowing up on people and then having to go apologize to them later.  Man I wish I had known that before 6 months into the relationship.  She had these meltdowns before we ever messed around and had plenty after we stopped. 

Every 3-5 days something just seems to trigger her to go into a meltdown where EVERYTHING is viewed negatively, her her world is out to get her, she hates herself and looks for coping methods for the extreme pain in the form of cutting or basically sabatoging herself (by sabatoging her relationships).  At first I was trying desperately to find out what those triggers were, but eventually just decided that it didn't even matter because she would FIND a trigger, and if she didn't have a good excuse to have one, she would create one.... blowing up at the smallest little things, and basically making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I am kind of a "fix the problem" kind of guy, so have been digging up information to get help for things, like the cutting, but she doesn't want any part of it.  She feels I should accept her as-is... but at the same time knows that she is acting terribly during her meltdowns and genuinly wishes she could change. 

Ugg

[SoConfused]

Based on what I'm reading elsewhere it's hitting me that I think she has Borderline Personality Disorder.  She definitely qualifies for 5-6 of the 9 symptoms for an official diagnosis. 

I'm a sad puppy tonight... 

[Hehealedme]

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[JohnDB]

I have personally been there and done this with a girl very much like what you describe.

RUN AWAY[/b]


The short term hurt over this situation in no way will equal the torment that awaits you if you commit to this woman. It will be pennies on the hundred dollar bill.

[sedux]

I've been through a similar situtation about 4-5 years ago, asking the same questions and dealing with the same confusion about my bf at the time, whom I thought I was going to marry.  But the more I thought about it, the more I was not at peace about actually going through with it.  I truly believe that if God is not the CENTER of your relationship/marriage it will not last.  And if it does last, it's going to be absolutely miserable.  There's a reason why you are not at peace right now.  If you're going to marry your gf, you marry her for the person she is TODAY.  NOT who you HOPE she will be a few years down the road, and NOT who you think she'll be once you "fix" a few things about her personality here and there.   People don't change unless they WANT to change.  And sometimes, even if they WANT to change, they can't change without God's help.  Ask yourself, are you willing to be with her for the rest of your life even if she didn't change from who she is today?  Also, are you willing to be with her if she changed for the worse instead? 

Does having a relationship with your gf bring you closer to God?

Is God a priority in all areas of your life?  In all areas of your gf's life?

Are you trying to do things by your own timing?  Or are you waiting for God's timing and for His will in your life?

Are you doing anything in your relationship that is not God-honoring?

Just throwing some questions at you to think about, and if you are not certain about where you stand in any of the questions, keep those areas in prayer and ask God for wisdom and guidance.

[IamStefanie]

*jmo* This young lady needs to get some help. It seems like you love her dearly but don't like her too much half the time because she is so fickle. If she is pressuring you to marry her and you are not ready (due to her issues), then let her know. And trust God to take your relationship with her in the direction that it SHOULD go. But, it sounds like if yall got married tomorrow, it would not be a healthy marriage due to her not letting her past go...

[Mere Nick]

Doesn't feeling like needing to ask the question answer it for you? 

[SoConfused]

Yea I think you are all very right.  I think I'm just going to have to put my foot down and say that if she is not ok with me having to wait on marriage until I feel like it's the right timing and have peace about everything, then she's going to have to move on without me.  I'm willing to stick it out and help seek counseling with her and get help together.  I'm willing to continue the relationship but only cautiously and seeking what God wants for us and for her first and foremost.

The thought of marriage needs to go on the backburner until it's the right time.

[kensington]

Based on what I'm reading elsewhere it's hitting me that I think she has Borderline Personality Disorder.  She definitely qualifies for 5-6 of the 9 symptoms for an official diagnosis. 

I'm a sad puppy tonight... 

So what?  Get her evaluated and get her on meds... she can function just fine in life, in marriage and in the workplace.  If you care about her, you will take her and help her to find out IF she needs to be evaluated or meds.

Bi-polar?  Sheeesh...  It's just a thang.  Most of them are bright beyond smart, they can function at high degrees of creativity for long periods of time, they are loyal and loving, they are great parents...  Get the meds... you'll see the balance.  A bipolar wife won't tell a husband "I have a headache"...  cause we don't care... Headaches don't slow us down. We're hot wired. 

I am bipolar, I've raised 7 kids practically on my own, I am a teacher and a quilter, I write recipes and I am a master scrap-booker.  I am sure when I had my first manic episode it scared my husband to death... but he will tell anyone today that He has never met anyone more bright or interesting than me.  I have a very small dose of meds I take everyday... and I have not had an episode in more than 10 years.  I'm passionate and I can see for myself the triggers that may affect my life... I avoid them.  I prepare for them.  And my husband knows them. 

IF you are looking for someone who is 100% "Normal" in life...  you may want to move on, but you may never find that person either.  There is a reason the two of the busiest people in the world are "Psychs" and Lawyers.  No one is normal.

[kensington]

PS... If you are going to put Marriage on the back burner for now...  STOP fooling around sexually.  You don't know if you are going to get married and if you don't, then you are "touching" another man's wife.   Do you want your wife to come to you all "touched" and "not quite had sex" at the hands of another man if she is not who you marry?  Well, neither does any other man who might love her and marry her should you decide she is not normal enough for you.

Keep your hands to yourself.  This may be part of the reason she is not being rational all the time, she knows she loves you enough and the two of you are "Coming close" to "all the way"...  and she may be worried that it's not going to happen. (Marriage),  Why should she continue to PET with you when you may not marry her?  That would be enough to make me act in a non rational way...  Petting is using.

Do the right thing for you and she by getting her evaluated.  (Stop evaluating her yourself) and do the right thing by her and keep your hands off.  The next time you want to PET... Think about having a gold ring on the 3rd finger of your left hand... and hers!  

[yesult]

Yea I think you are all very right.  I think I'm just going to have to put my foot down and say that if she is not ok with me having to wait on marriage until I feel like it's the right timing and have peace about everything, then she's going to have to move on without me.  I'm willing to stick it out and help seek counseling with her and get help together.  I'm willing to continue the relationship but only cautiously and seeking what God wants for us and for her first and foremost.

The thought of marriage needs to go on the backburner until it's the right time.

Totally agree. Someone who is cutting has deep emotional damage. Until she's healed that pain is going to be causing her to meltdown, explode and basically attack those around her whether she means to or not because she's got a really wounded spirit.

Healing from this kind of thing can take a long time and some people arn't willing to walk out the full journey because its so painful (the way that some people stop at certain places in their faith and don't seem to want to be moved much deeper.)

Your only proof that she will change is when she has changed. Otherwise you've only got hopes. Hopes are exactly that. I know it can sound cold-hearted to leave a person in their struggles, but we can't fix other people, only God can. And that is always ultimatly their choice.

[SoConfused]

Based on what I'm reading elsewhere it's hitting me that I think she has Borderline Personality Disorder.  She definitely qualifies for 5-6 of the 9 symptoms for an official diagnosis. 

I'm a sad puppy tonight... 

So what?  Get her evaluated and get her on meds... she can function just fine in life, in marriage and in the workplace.  If you care about her, you will take her and help her to find out IF she needs to be evaluated or meds.

Bi-polar?  Sheeesh...  It's just a thang.  Most of them are bright beyond smart, they can function at high degrees of creativity for long periods of time, they are loyal and loving, they are great parents...  Get the meds... you'll see the balance.  A bipolar wife won't tell a husband "I have a headache"...  cause we don't care... Headaches don't slow us down. We're hot wired. 

I am bipolar, I've raised 7 kids practically on my own, I am a teacher and a quilter, I write recipes and I am a master scrap-booker.  I am sure when I had my first manic episode it scared my husband to death... but he will tell anyone today that He has never met anyone more bright or interesting than me.  I have a very small dose of meds I take everyday... and I have not had an episode in more than 10 years.  I'm passionate and I can see for myself the triggers that may affect my life... I avoid them.  I prepare for them.  And my husband knows them. 

IF you are looking for someone who is 100% "Normal" in life...  you may want to move on, but you may never find that person either.  There is a reason the two of the busiest people in the world are "Psychs" and Lawyers.  No one is normal.

I completely understand and agree with you.  In no way is God going to give up on her and I'm not ready to either.  I fully believe that there is always hope and with the right help she'll be able to live a happy normal life.  After reading tons of information on both borderline and bipolar disorders, I can say with 100% certainty that she is not bipolar but is almost guaranteed to be Borderline.  Reading parts of books on borderline made me feel like they were written about her.  Hearing that you live a wonderful life with bipolar makes me really happy as well and gives me a lot of hope! 

I was simply being a sad puppy because I felt bad for the one I love and wish that she didn't have to carry the burden, because it is a burden for her. 

On the other hand I already have a lot of hope because she's been in counseling for a month or two now and is undergoing EMDR therapy which is supposed to be good for Borderline Personality.  And I believe I've already seen improvements.  I want her to talk to the therapist about Borderline though because I think that she's been hiding some aspects of her personality from the therapist and mostly dealing with the issues in a PTSD way and they may not be fully dealing with the range of the issues. 

I've dated 4 girls.  The first was depressed, bulimic, on meds, and had wild mood swings.  The second was from a wildly broken home and ended up in the hospital for anorexia.  The third was narcissistic and extremely controlling. 

I've given up on finding "normal

[SoConfused]

Yea I think you are all very right.  I think I'm just going to have to put my foot down and say that if she is not ok with me having to wait on marriage until I feel like it's the right timing and have peace about everything, then she's going to have to move on without me.  I'm willing to stick it out and help seek counseling with her and get help together.  I'm willing to continue the relationship but only cautiously and seeking what God wants for us and for her first and foremost.

The thought of marriage needs to go on the backburner until it's the right time.

Totally agree. Someone who is cutting has deep emotional damage. Until she's healed that pain is going to be causing her to meltdown, explode and basically attack those around her whether she means to or not because she's got a really wounded spirit.

Healing from this kind of thing can take a long time and some people arn't willing to walk out the full journey because its so painful (the way that some people stop at certain places in their faith and don't seem to want to be moved much deeper.)

Your only proof that she will change is when she has changed. Otherwise you've only got hopes. Hopes are exactly that. I know it can sound cold-hearted to leave a person in their struggles, but we can't fix other people, only God can. And that is always ultimatly their choice.

Thanks for your reply!  Yea as long as she is willing to work on getting better I'm willing to help her but if she gives up on herself I don't know what else I can do.  Things are looking up for now so we'll see what happens!

But without a doubt, marriage is on the back burner for now.

[JohnDB]

If I were you...

I would avoid any sort of romantic relationship with this girl.

If you are a normal male...no hangups...relatively few vices like video games, golf, or fishing...

Have started on a career path (IE college, working in career, and etc)

Then you really shouldn't become one flesh with abnormal psychology...ever.

I understand your compassion and willingness to help...fine qualities....very fine.

But one day you are going to want to help others outside of your house...(a normal Christian desire) and you are going to want help...but if all of your attention is given to "helping your help-mate" ummm...that goal is going to be cut short...and not fulfilled.

That is what a wife is for...helping you so that together you both serve God better and more than either one of you could independantly.

Helping those that are emotionally stunted is a fine manner of helping God...and many make it their act of service. But I do believe that one day you will want more than just trying to keep your wife sane...or girlfriend sane and alive.

[kensington]

So then... people who might need meds or some help...  don't get to marry. Only the "NORMAL" ones are fit for ministry?  WOW...  I'll tell that to my husband who has been in ministry for years and years, helping others and I have helped him and prayed with him, and taught them also in support of his ministry.

Help for her?  That is what a dr is for.  He is her helpmate and support system.  BOTH are helpmates... not just one of them. 

[Hehealedme]

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[SoConfused]

Yea I dunno, my Borderline girlfriend is involved in more ministries than just about any other girl I know.  I believe that people can live with these things but still live extremely healthy normal lives.  But some people don't.  I believe she's headed in the right direction though.

[revelation]

Fast and Pray about this important decision.

[kristinaf]

Yea I dunno, my Borderline girlfriend is involved in more ministries than just about any other girl I know.  I believe that people can live with these things but still live extremely healthy normal lives.  But some people don't.  I believe she's headed in the right direction though.

I have bipolar and am very musically gifted, as well as being a good people person and bla bla bla (did not want to toot my own horn too much!) Just becuz a person has a "diagnosis" or whatever does not stop them from being a whole person, or a really gifted person, or a really spiritual person.  Just sometimes makes it hard to be in a relationship.  Not always, I'm sure like kensington said, there are success stories... Good luck!