I think I might have a secret crush on my Pastor

[kristinaf]

Help!  As if my lovelife weren't stinky enough...

Since I started going to my church, I have had this same problem.  My Pastor is really, really good looking.  Help!  Here is the problem, I am attracted to him, to the point where sometimes I stare at him and have to look away because I feel the crazy lust monster creeping in.  Help!  Of course, he has a beautiful, kind wife and children, so hello! 

If I am able to control myself, which I obviously am, and I would never in a million years DREAM of flirting, being too friendly, or whatever with him, well, my question is, do you think I should stay at the church or leave the church?  It is a really really small, close knit church and I can't hide there.  I am pretty out in the open.  So when my Pastor looks out into the crowd, I feel like sometimes I can't make eye contact with him, because I feel like I am going to "stare" at him and he will be able to tell or something.  I have dealt with this problem (for 2 1/2 years) and while it has never become a problem, I would like to be on the worship team, and that would mean being close to him on the stage.  And I don't think that would work for me, because I would be so conscious of his proximity.  Great.  So, yeah, I want to start serving and using my musical gifts, but I don't really think I can at this church.  Can I?   I don't even know if I'd even have the courage or be comfortable enough standing next to him on the stage, (because he stands on the stage while the musicians play during service, so I couldn't avoid him).  This once I have written it down, really seems like a problem. 


Do you think I should leave the church, seeing I have this problem and really want to start serving by being on the worship team at a church?  (I play flute and piano and am quite good).  I really want to play for a church and use my gifts!!!  Help!

[Cally]

Wow, nobody's responded.

"Flee from temptation" is a good thought. The whole point of church should be to get our minds off of that kind of thing, so if it's not possible, take off.

That's what I'd do.  

I also wonder if maybe you should think about looking for a spouse. Paul says "it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

Just a thought. 

[kristinaf]

Wow, nobody's responded.

"Flee from temptation" is a good thought. The whole point of church should be to get our minds off of that kind of thing, so if it's not possible, take off.

That's what I'd do. 

I also wonder if maybe you should think about looking for a spouse. Paul says "it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

Just a thought. 

Yes.  I am looking for a spouse.  I know that scripture very well.  I agree with Paul complettttelly on this one.  However, I don't want to settle for "just anybody".  I want someone special, that is why it is taking me some time.  Maybe I am picky, I don't know, but I just want someone attractive, who is a Christian, and is a nice, sweet intelligent person.  I think God can deliver on that.  I am counting on it.

Praise the Lord!

Kristina

[peraza89]

yeah i totally agree with cally!
makes so much sense, the reason we go to church
is to grow and strengthen our spiritual lives and
in the process help others do so as well...
in this situation it doesn't seem like you could do either.
you are attracted to a married man w/kids who is a pastor!!!!!
RUN! RUN! RUN!
Go to a church where you feel comfortable to praise God in
your own way and start being a vessel in his hands (praise&worship team).
Put all of this in the hands of God he will most definately make all
of these bad thoughts die out...you just need to turn them over to God.

and you WILL find that perfect guy that God has for you...
he knows exactly what you need and he will bring him to you
when you are ready for him...*patience is a virtue*

[Cally]

Wow, nobody's responded.

"Flee from temptation" is a good thought. The whole point of church should be to get our minds off of that kind of thing, so if it's not possible, take off.

That's what I'd do. 

I also wonder if maybe you should think about looking for a spouse. Paul says "it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

Just a thought. 

Yes.  I am looking for a spouse.  I know that scripture very well.  I agree with Paul complettttelly on this one.  However, I don't want to settle for "just anybody".  I want someone special, that is why it is taking me some time.  Maybe I am picky, I don't know, but I just want someone attractive, who is a Christian, and is a nice, sweet intelligent person.  I think God can deliver on that.  I am counting on it.

Praise the Lord!

Kristina

Everybody wants someone "special" and usually has some kind of criteria for it, but, whoever that is will probably simply be special "to you." I mean think of the olden days, and other parts of the world: in some places (as annoying as this sounds to Westerners) even arranged marriages really work.

I mean, if you're going to be picky NOW, consider: he might not be that "special" person every single day, will he? Who can live up to that? 

The "man/woman" of your dreams is good in some ways but don't overstress it. That's what I think, anyway. 

[chosenone]

It is actually common for women to fall for their pastor. When I was 15-16 we had an unmarried pastor in his 20's and he had so many girls in the church who fell for him poor man.(including me)My best friend won though,and they have now been happily married for 34 years I am pleased to say.
If you are finding it really awkward then maybe you need to leave, but what if there is another man in the new church who you fall for who is also married? You cant run away from nice good looking guys for ever, you may have to learn to accept it and get on with life.

[yesult]

I've often thought that chosenone should be a mod. (Here being just another example of good, sound advice.)

You can't avoid good looking married guys forever. But the last thing you want is for people to get the wrong idea too (especially him.) I used to have a bit of a hero worshiping thing going on with pastors because I thought they were so close to and represented God in a way (and I loveeed God) but I'm pretty sure it gave some men some funny impressions over the years which did not go down very well. I think part of it also was that I didn't have a close relationship with my own father and sort of transfered a bit of that on to them.

If that kind of thing dosn't get sorted out it can make you uncomfortable and give them a wrong impression of you or even an angle to accuse or judge you over if they take a dislike to you.

So yeah, things like that can happen. So unless your pastor is a particularly ethical man, I would try to be really, really careful about any impressions you give him in this area. But if you think you might end up genuinely struggling and not being able to keep a lid on it - changing churchs could be a wise decision.

Pray and try to see what God wants you to do. 

(PS And if your pastor is also struggling in this area, which can also happen, it might be a good thing to move just to remove temptation from both of you.) Christian leaders are still human and have to fight their own battles. And doing the right thing is still our responsiblity regardless.

Hope that helps.


(I also had a bad habit of forgetting to look for wedding rings - so part of it was also my fault when I found a worship leader or youth pastor particularly attractive.)

[chosenone]

I've often thought that chosenone should be a mod. (Here being just another example of good, sound advice.)

You can't avoid good looking married guys forever. But the last thing you want is for people to get the wrong idea too (especially him.) I used to have a bit of a hero worshiping thing going on with pastors because I thought they were so close to and represented God in a way (and I loveeed God) but I'm pretty sure it gave some men some funny impressions over the years which did not go down very well. I think part of it also was that I didn't have a close relationship with my own father and sort of transfered a bit of that on to them.

If that kind of thing dosn't get sorted out it can make you uncomfortable and give them a wrong impression of you or even an angle to accuse or judge you over if they take a dislike to you.

So yeah, things like that can happen. So unless your pastor is a particularly ethical man, I would try to be really, really careful about any impressions you give him in this area. But if you think you might end up genuinely struggling and not being able to keep a lid on it - changing churchs could be a wise decision.

Pray and try to see what God wants you to do. 

(PS And if your pastor is also struggling in this area, which can also happen, it might be a good thing to move just to remove temptation from both of you.) Christian leaders are still human and have to fight their own battles. And doing the right thing is still our responsiblity regardless.

Hope that helps.


(I also had a bad habit of forgetting to look for wedding rings - so part of it was also my fault when I found a worship leader or youth pastor particularly attractive.)

  Yesult thanks SOOO much, you made my day.

By the way, this pastor, if he is so good looking, probably has more than one lady fancing him. Par for the course if you are a good looking pastor.

[janine]

I know exactly what you're talking about, kristinaf.  Any woman with a normal imagination and normal hormones will develop a "crush" like that every now and then.  Stay in prayer about it, for one thing, so that a normal human reaction on your part does not develop into deep-set opportunities for sin.

One nice thing about that "crush" process is that it can be a part of the cycle of re-falling-in-love with your own husband.  A long marriage has tides and cycles and it's so exciting when the feelings flow through "crush" mode again from time to time!     

Fending off hormonal women is part of the job description for any man in a visible leading sort of position.  Don't worry about him.

As for you, your pastor fetish would be cured real quick if you could simply become dis-enchanted with him.  Like, if you caught him in the act of sexually molesting a kindergarten boy.  Something heinous and gross and horrible, you know?

If he's an upright sort of guy, he certainly won't be doing anything like that!  But you could try to desensitize yourself, disenchant yourself, dis-enamor yourself, using that same principle.

Only, do not litter your mind with nasty sinful images...  Instead, do a little "reverse fantasizing" about that pastor using simply socially unsavory images.

Like... how about you try visualizing the man picking his nose with his fingers?  (gross!)

And then eating the treasures he finds?  (grosser!)

And then wiping his drippy nasty fingers on the suit coat of some deacon or songleader up there on the stage with him?  (possibly even grosser!)

Every time you catch yourself dwelling on your inappropriate fixation on the man, rather than listening to the message he's preaching... imagine that, or some similar icky thing.

You will break yourself pretty quick from your crush.

[kristinaf]

I know exactly what you're talking about, kristinaf.  Any woman with a normal imagination and normal hormones will develop a "crush" like that every now and then.  Stay in prayer about it, for one thing, so that a normal human reaction on your part does not develop into deep-set opportunities for sin.

One nice thing about that "crush" process is that it can be a part of the cycle of re-falling-in-love with your own husband.  A long marriage has tides and cycles and it's so exciting when the feelings flow through "crush" mode again from time to time!     

Fending off hormonal women is part of the job description for any man in a visible leading sort of position.  Don't worry about him.

As for you, your pastor fetish would be cured real quick if you could simply become dis-enchanted with him.  Like, if you caught him in the act of sexually molesting a kindergarten boy.  Something heinous and gross and horrible, you know?

If he's an upright sort of guy, he certainly won't be doing anything like that!  But you could try to desensitize yourself, disenchant yourself, dis-enamor yourself, using that same principle.

Only, do not litter your mind with nasty sinful images...  Instead, do a little "reverse fantasizing" about that pastor using simply socially unsavory images.

Like... how about you try visualizing the man picking his nose with his fingers?  (gross!)

And then eating the treasures he finds?  (grosser!)

And then wiping his drippy nasty fingers on the suit coat of some deacon or songleader up there on the stage with him?  (possibly even grosser!)

Every time you catch yourself dwelling on your inappropriate fixation on the man, rather than listening to the message he's preaching... imagine that, or some similar icky thing.

You will break yourself pretty quick from your crush.

Thank you, Janine, I needed some light-hearted advice.  :)  Yours was funny and brightened my otherwise somewhat bummed out, bored mood today. 

Kristina

[stevehut]

Kristin, I think you've drawn a false distinction here.

You say it's OK because you haven't acted on your affections, but IMHO that's irrelevant.  How can it possibly be righteous to desire something that is sinful to do? 

[janine]

It's not a matter of being righteous or unrighteous.

IMNSHO, she is, in her conscientious efforts to turn her "crush" around and get some advice on how to deal with it, dropping it into the realm of sin.  I don't think the mere wave of thoughts and hormone-driven feelings is, in itself, sinful. Not at all.

And when I start talking about hormones I'm not saying only women develop useless or badly-timed or inappropriate crushes.  Men do too.  Both men and women get the same measurable spikes in happiness-producing and pleasure-producing brain chemicals when they "fall in love" (i.e., develop a crush).   

To feel what she feels is not sin.

To dwell on it, pet it, cherish it, feed it, water it, nurture it, revel in it, get titillation from it, daydreamily hope it would somehow become possible to act upon...  that would be terribly sinful.

To simply feel a feeling, that you know is inappropriate to act upon and not productive to have and may interfere with your spiritual life, and to want to be rid of it -- there's nothing sinful there.

What is that old saying about thoughts, and presumably the feelings we have when we feel them -- "You cannot help what birds fly over your head, but you don't have to let them build nests in your beard!"

[kristinaf]

I feel confused I guess, on this issue. 

On the one hand, God tells us to "flee" from sin.  Use a radical approach when dealing with sin, to RUN from it, to FLEE from it.  If your hand causes you to sin, CUT IT OFF, if your eye causes you to sin, PLUCK IT OUT.  Not meaning to literally poke out your eye, but to use a RADICAL approach when dealing with sin...don't even DABBLE in it, but turn from it completely. 


On the other hand, just because I find someone attractive does not mean that I am going to act on anything.  I find guys attractive all the time as a single girl, and this does not mean that I flirt with them.  Just the opposite.  If I find someone attractive who I know is "taken" I deliberately act cold to them, this is just a self-defense mechanism that I do, maybe it is pushing it to an extreme, but that's okay in my book.  Better this than to shower them with gushing flirtation.  I don't want for a minute my true feelings of attraction for the person to come out if he is not available.  I am a pretty woman, and I don't need any one's husband or boyfriend on my case. 

On the third hand, the church is a place of God, and I find it annoying sometimes trying to focus on worship and the things of God, and focus on the message, when there is a DISTRACTION of any kind, be it loud kids in church, dealing with lust, etc.  It is out of place and not wanted.  So, for this reason alone I think that I may have to consider leaving the church.

There is the problem, though, that I have developed some Christian friends thru this church, and I don't want to lose them as friends, and I have developed people that I know and that know me and people who I would miss, if I left the church.

However, I am not growing alot in the Word, as far as my knowledge and learning of the Word thru this church, and that is an area that I want to grow in.  I am desperate to LEARN more than I know already.  I don't feel like my pastor is teaching me a whole lot, kindof like I have outgrown the church.  I know, I do bible studies on my own  and with others, and supplement my Pastor's sermons with sermons online and on the radio, but I want a church I can grow in the knowledge of God and of the Word, and I don't feel like I am getting it. 

So I guess I will have to pray and think about it somemore, but I feel kind of like I have some compelling reasons to search for another church to call home. 

[stevehut]

Not that complicated, Kristin.

He's married.  Stay away.

[HRoberson]

Not that complicated, Kristin.

He's married.  Stay away.

Yeah.

You've had this crush for a couple years and it has interferred with both your worship experiences at church (you are more aware of where he's looking than anything else; you are bothered by the prospect of using your talents in close proximity to him and therefore do not participate fully.

And...this isn't a new problem - it's gone on, and you have allowed it to go on, for more than two years.

There is a problem here.

[Silvia]

Okay. So if you feel like you should leave the church, then go. Move on. That's fine.

But remember - wherever you go, you're going to be possibly attracted to men that are not available to you (he'll be married to someone else, you'll be married - whatever). It'll happen, and you can't expect to run from it.

Janine gave you some good advice. Also, I agree that you'll need to avoid being alone with those guys. I mean - now you are attracted to your current pastor. For his protection and your own (avoid starting any rumors), don't be alone in the church with him. Even if he's in his office and you are cleaning the church (for instance), clean with another gal. Or if you need to talk to him about a ministry project on the phone, ask his wife to join the conversation. Could be she'd have some valuable input anyhow.

Those are principles that my dh and I follow in our own marriage, just as a matter of routine. It's putting a hedge around our thoughts, our relationships. We don't allow ourselves to have more than brief chit chat conversations with someone of the opposite gender unless we're both there. If it's a ministry related conversation, others are around. Things like that. We need to guard our hearts constantly.