Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?

[chosenone]

God Bless you PJ. Dont worry too much about her panic attacks. I had many of then years ago and they arent dangerous and wont kill her. They are just due to some anxiety, and are controllable with simple measures.
I pray that God is working in her right now.

[primaryjustice]

lightshineon - Thanks for your continued prayers. During this time apart, I've started to focus more on looking where I went wrong, and one of the things I've noticed is I took my wife for granted a lot. I'm praying and trying to focus more now on what I can do to improve instead of what she's done wrong. When/if the time comes, there will be time to deal with the adultery, but during this time of separation I want to draw as close to God as possible and have him show me the "log in my own eye".

chosenone - I'm definitely trying my best to not be anxious about where she may be right now. I know the one job she had was very much part time and far, and I don't think she had any other source of stable income. One of the hardest things in all of this is it's in my nature to want to protect my wife, but I know in my heart that's not what I need to do right now. In fact, as the days have gone on I've had a strong desire off and on to contact her, but as I pray I realize I would only be getting in God's way right now if I tried to do anything. I have to stand clear, pray without ceasing, and let God do His thing.

Many blessings to all and thank you for your continued prayers for both myself and my wife.

[chosenone]

lightshineon - Thanks for your continued prayers. During this time apart, I've started to focus more on looking where I went wrong, and one of the things I've noticed is I took my wife for granted a lot. I'm praying and trying to focus more now on what I can do to improve instead of what she's done wrong. When/if the time comes, there will be time to deal with the adultery, but during this time of separation I want to draw as close to God as possible and have him show me the "log in my own eye".

chosenone - I'm definitely trying my best to not be anxious about where she may be right now. I know the one job she had was very much part time and far, and I don't think she had any other source of stable income. One of the hardest things in all of this is it's in my nature to want to protect my wife, but I know in my heart that's not what I need to do right now. In fact, as the days have gone on I've had a strong desire off and on to contact her, but as I pray I realize I would only be getting in God's way right now if I tried to do anything. I have to stand clear, pray without ceasing, and let God do His thing.

Many blessings to all and thank you for your continued prayers for both myself and my wife.

PJ yes you are right. Often love needs to be tough, and it will be hard for you to leave her to God. However it is good that she has family to stay with as many dont have that option. I think it is also good for you to see where you may have gone wrong, but please remember that we ALL take our spouses for granted sometimes, so dont beat yourself up about that too much. For most of us that doesnt result in our spouse having an affair.
None of us are perfect and no one can expect their spouse to be perfect all the time, its part of marriage that we accept our spouse as they are.

[primaryjustice]

chosenone - Thanks for your words of encouragement. You're absolutely correct about accepting our spouses as they are. It's part of loving and caring for them. While I know that a number of different things play into an affair, I don't blame myself and in fact am not sure there's anything I could have ever done to prevent it. There are issues in her past which need to be worked out with God, and it seems like now is the time for God to refine her, and myself as well.

[chosenone]

yes God does use this sort of painful situation to work on us for our good,and whatever happens to you and your wife, he will bring good out of this.
Its also a time when our faith is tested and we see where we really are with God isnt it. 
God Bless

[primaryjustice]

Absolutely what I believe. I think I mentioned it before, but I'm letting Romans 8:28 stand right in the center of the promises God's given during this time. All things will work together for good. He can see beginning from end and knows all of it, and as difficult as it is for me to accept, I have to trust Him with all of this completely.

It's actually pretty awesome to realize that when faith is tested, we can run to God and see that he never left, never moved, but was just waiting for us to run back to Him and to show us His love.

[lightshineon]

 Sometimes PJ, we all have done wrong, and we need to do a heart check. Though do not get into commendation, nothing excuses adultery, and sometimes what she, or others may tell you is simply not true, to deflect guilt from themselves. true humility, would be for her to say, I am so sorry, not I did this because.

[primaryjustice]

lightshineon, you hit a really good point there. I believe in my heart that the only way my wife and I will ever be able to reconcile is if first she reconciles with God. She knows right from wrong, and what the Bible says more than I do, however she's hardened her heart to God because of what she's engaged in. God can soften her up, definitely, but she has to be open for it. I don't know what it will take to get there, so I'm just doing my best to trust God in all of this, no matter where it all goes.

[primaryjustice]

Hello all. I don't normally do this but I really need prayer today. Not sure why but it's been an especially difficult day in dealing with the situation with me and my wife. I guess that's what the devil does, considering the past couple of days were really good. Please pray that I would be strengthened and have God's peace. I know he's there, but I really need his peace right now.

Please also continue to pray for my wife. Haven't spoken with her since she left other than a few texts about picking up mail.

Thank you to all.

[lightshineon]

 Hi Pj, I guess led by the Spirit, I prayed for you first thing this morning for you, see God, cares and sees your suffering, and loves you very much.

[primaryjustice]

thanks lightshineon. I really appreciate that. It means a lot to know there are people both close and far that are praying for my wife and myself along with the numerous other people and items on their prayer lists. It truly is a blessing.

[lightshineon]

 You doing ok today PJ?

[primaryjustice]

Getting through the days with God's help. Thanks for asking. Feels like I'm depressed but I know it will pass too...just takes time. God is still on His throne, even when I can't feel Him it doesn't change.

Thanks for your concern and continued prayers for my wife and myself!

[vmand]

 


same story here PJ, I pray for you too, and for all in our position all over the world. And I think we must remain calm and stand

and wait to see God's victory for "the battle is not ours says the Lord...".


God bless

[primaryjustice]

vmand - I'm sorry to hear you're having similar trouble. I've discovered as I've begun reaching out to more and more people that this is an all too common occurrence, and everyone has either had it happen to them or knows of someone who has.

You absolutely have the correct attitude. My prayer has been for God to do a work in my wife's heart as well as in mine, and although it's one of the hardest lessons I'm learning, we do have to wait on Him for this. I continue to pray for my wife (though recently I really haven't wanted too), and will keep you in prayer as well along with an number of others in similar situations.

Thanks for the encouragement, and to all for your continued prayers for my wife and myself.

[vmand]

PJ, I know the feeling, but is one of our Christian duties to support and help the needy and especially brothers and sisters.
I too, feel reluctant on occassion but when I think is her soul and not the body I should be concerned about, I pray with grief.
And even if we dont ask for justice, be sure,  God will do His part and judgements will follow !  The idea being us not to get in His way, in the cross-fire ! cause our fight it is not against flesh and blood but against the powers transcental, in the spiritual realm as I recall paraphrasing. It is not "her" but who got "hold of her", who trapped her cause she was not "in awereness not to be deceived". And that who is the enemy of our souls!

[primaryjustice]

Hello all. Just wanted to post a quick update. My wife's been out of the house now since Nov 1st, and it doesn't look like she has any desire at all to come back. She's made no move toward me, if anything she seems to be quite happy being separated. Short of advising her of mail she has at the house, we've essentially not had any contact since she left, and have not seen each other. She's come by a few times to pickup her mail, but seems to be in no rush to remove any of her stuff.

I approached the subject of our marriage briefly by text on the 30th. Asked her where she was with it, and after an initial "I'm calm, I'm at peace, I'm in a good place moving to good things." response, I was able to prod a bit more and she essentially said she thought we were done. When asked about coming back, she said to what, "a life that isn't mine or a slow, painful death." Sounds like she has her mind set on us being done. She then surprised me by asking me if I was happy, and after I explained to her about the joy of Christ, I asked her if she was happy, to which she responded very.

I have continued daily in prayer for her (and still do despite not wanting to sometimes), and let her know that, to which she was not very receptive. She said it sounds like we (me and the church) are still praying for her to "come over to our side". I hate to say it, but I think the battle in her heart, while not over, is on standby for now. She seems to have walked away from her faith completely, at least as far as I can tell. And yes, she still is very much in communication with this other man. I hate to say this, but it appears our marriage is over. I've accepted that and have begun moving forward, and have also discovered how truly great God really is.

For the first time in my life, I've begun to truly experience the personal relationship with Christ that I've heard others talk about. I'm diving into his word, craving prayer time, and truly wanting to go after Him. I know the road ahead won't be easy, but I'm daily surrendering every part of it to Him, and it's such an awesome thing. I pray for my wife all the time. I pray the Holy Spirit will speak to her and bring her back to Him. To be honest, I don't really want my marriage back, but I will welcome her back right now because I trust God more than I do my wife or myself, and I believe he can not only restore us but use us for His glory and a great and mighty way.

That said, I am going to write my wife a final letter expressing what lies ahead, how I feel about her and how I'm open to reconciliation, but making it abundantly clear that not only will the road to reconciliation be difficult, but I cannot and will not accept her back while the other man remains in her life. If she chooses that relationship, than our marriage is over. With prayer and guidance, and if there's no response from her, I will be filing for divorce in the coming months.

Please continue to pray for my wife, myself and my marriage. While this experience has been the most difficult of my life, it's amazing to know and see how awesome God is, and how He continues to reveal himself to me through prayer and His word.

God bless!

[chosenone]

Pj You have come a long way and its so good that your relationship with God has grown so much. God is so amazing when He brings good out of awful situations.
I think you have done all you can and now she has to take full responsibility for her decisions and actions. Good idea about the letter.Remember to keep a copy of what you write for furture reference.
God Bless.

[courtgirl72]

PJ, I just saw this thread and felt a need to let you know that I am praying for nothing but peace and happiness in Christ for you, whether it leads to reconciliation or not.  I have to commend you on one thing, you are so much more patient than I am.  I don't know if I could act with as much grace and dignity that you did and for that you should be comforted.  You did everything you could to save your marriage and I pray that in the future that you have a wife that you deserve, whether it is her or another wonderful lady!

What she did was horrible, but not unforgivable.  I would hope that I would have it in me to forgive my husband if he was unfaithful.  I only hope that I can take a lesson from you if he does and do the the right thing.

God Bless you and I hope despite all of this turmoil that you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  You truly deserve it!

[primaryjustice]

chosenone - Thank you for your replies now and in the past. They have been a great encouragement during this difficult period. I definitely can see God doing some major housecleaning in me as a result of all of this, and although it's no less painful, it's definitely comforting to know that He's still in control.

courtgirl - Thank you for taking the time to read this thread and replying, as well as your prayers. I truly believe that God hears our prayers and responds in his time, and although sometimes that timing is so completely different than ours, it's always perfect. You're absolutely right, what my wife is doing right now is not unforgivable. I wish I could say I've completely forgiven, but at this time it's a daily process. I know it will take a long time, but in Christ I know I will be able to completely forgive and move forward, in whatever direction He has for me.

Thanks to all the others who I know continue to pray. Please continue to keep my wife and myself in your prayers. Today marks three months from the day of discovery, and although it's been by far the most painful period of my life by far, I have to say God really, really is good. He has never left me and continues to carry me, and even on days when I don't feel His presence at all, I know He's there. Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

[HopefulHusband]

Hello All,

I started watching this thread near the beginning.  I've gathered encouragement from it as I'm in a similar situation.  Of course, there are some differences...

My wife and I have been married for 17 years.  We have three kids - the youngest being 12 years old.  We have always been very active in church and we have historically attributed our successful marriage to our relationship with God coming first.

A little over one year ago, my wife was re-united with one of her old friends from middle school via Facebook.  He lives three states away where she grew up.  Somehow, they developed an emotional relationship and (without providing specifics) the enemy has been having a field day.

I have only told two others besides my counselor.  The kids don't know although they know something is up with their mama.

I've come to learn what it really means to love your wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5).  I have made it very clear that I want her to end this adulteress relationship.  At the same time, I am to see her as holy and without blemish.  I am to treat her the way God treats me.  ...With mercy and grace - never letting go.  ...Giving up myself for her.  ...Selflessly loving her even while she is hurting me.  There have been many ups and downs, but I believe the best way for us to get through this is to rise above the natural and act according to the Spirit.  After all, this is a spiritual battle!

At times, I revert to feelings of rejection, betrayal, and grief among other things.  I wrote a song that ministers to me during these times.  But, the truth is - I know it's not about me.  This struggle is within her own personal relationship with God.

Will you all pray with me as well?  I believe God will win this battle in His time.


Thank You!

HopefulHusband

[IamStefanie]

Primaryjustice: I skimmed over the entire post starting back months ago. And through this all, you have stayed so grounded. I praise God for that. I'm not married, but I read this post a lot because I see a lot of people going through and it's heartbreaking. Most people, Christians included are reading to break up and not look back. But you are trusting God. You have accepted the fact that the end 'result' could be reconciliation or divorce. I just pray for God's will and that you will allow God to have his way in this. But through, you said you are experiencing a relationship with Christ that is deep. That is wonderful. I read too that you have been going up and down emotionally. That's normal. You are human. But you are going to be just fine my friend in Christ. You are going to be just fine.

May God continue to bless you!!

Stefanie

[lightshineon]

 Still praying PJ. FYI, I hate facebook, and will not be involved with it.

[Thankfulldad]

I've come to learn what it really means to love your wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5).  I have made it very clear that I want her to end this adulteress relationship.  At the same time, I am to see her as holy and without blemish.  I am to treat her the way God treats me.  ...With mercy and grace - never letting go.  ...Giving up myself for her.  ...Selflessly loving her even while she is hurting me.  There have been many ups and downs, but I believe the best way for us to get through this is to rise above the natural and act according to the Spirit.  After all, this is a spiritual battle!

At times, I revert to feelings of rejection, betrayal, and grief among other things.  I wrote a song that ministers to me during these times.  But, the truth is - I know it's not about me.  This struggle is within her own personal relationship with God.

Will you all pray with me as well?  I believe God will win this battle in His time.

Thank You!

HopefulHusband

Brother...God Bless you as you love your wife this way! 

Would your wife ever read a book together or do devotions with you?  Maybe start to pray together holding each others hands...

One thing Paul tells us in Romans 12...do not be overcome by evil, but...over come evil with good.   Sounds to me that you are doing just that!  I will indeed pray for you and your dear wife...for God to strike down the evil one with good; in His Spirit and in sincere love!

[primaryjustice]

HopefulHusband - My heart breaks every time I hear a account of this happening to someone. It's unfortunately all too common, and can is magnified with children in the picture. Please know that my heart cries with you, and God will honor your faithfulness and how you continue to love your wife as Christ loves the church. You will be in my prayers from here on out, and I look forward to God working in your wife and marriage to bring you back to a complete restoration in Him! By the way, you've nailed it completely...it's a struggle with her and God, much the same way as it is for my wife. I believe that once anyone surrenders to His will completely, there's no way they can continue any kind of infidelity...the conviction is too overwhelming.

Stefanie - Thank you so much for your encouraging words. It really is heartbreaking how common infidelity is, as seen by just a few of the posters on this thread who are experiencing very similar situations. One thing I'm learning through all this though is that there's no rush for divorce. That's a life altering event with lifelong spiritual consequences, and while I may be heading in that direction (more on that in a sec), I don't believe it's something that should just be done and gotten over with. And once the divorce process is entered and finalized, I believe there needs to be a period of healing and restoration in Christ before jumping back into dating. Unless we realize that Jesus is the only one who can meet all of our needs, we'll risk starting a relationship more as a bandage for an open wound than anything else.

lightshineon - thank you again for your continued prayers for my wife and myself. I would ask that you also keep HopefulHusband, his wife and his kids in prayer. God is working in him and I believe He can bring full healing and restoration to him and his family. Oh, and I hate to admit it, but I'm semi-hooked on Facebook, although it can be a big waste of time sometimes :)

Thankfuldad - it's awesome to see more people praying for the needs of the posters to this site. It's an amazing blessing  and I truly believe what the Bible says, that "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

One last quick request...I've been struggling now for the past few weeks with the question of at what point do I file for divorce, or do I keep waiting on God. I actually feel almost completely blind about the future and what to do. The few text conversations I've had with my wife since I asked her to leave on Nov 1 have essentially given me no indication at all  that she has any desire to reconcile, and if anything she seems angry at me. I feel like I'm wrestling with God about this, so I figured I'd ask for prayer and maybe to someone who's been through this; at what point do I say it's time. I know it's probably a question with no specific answer, but just curious. I really, really don't want a divorce, but I see no other alternative at this point.

Thank you all again for your continued prayers!

[chosenone]

Pj If you dont want a divorce then wait.If she wants a divorce then she can start it. Then you will have little choice, but continue to have no contact with her. Maybe just tell her that you arent going to start a divorce so if she wants one she will have to do it.
Only God knows if she will ever want to come back, so pray hard for a clear sign from him as to what to do. If you dont have peace either way then do nothing for the time being. However the longer you wait the longer it will be for you to let it go and move on .
So its a hard call for you but keep waiting on God.
The decision for me would be easy as I couldnt have someone back who had acted so badly. I could never trust again. However I would still probably leave the divorcing to them, even though we are allowed to divorce for sexual immorality.

[HopefulHusband]

ThankfullDad:  I can't thank you enough for praying for us.  We continue to attend Bible study and worship services together.  I pray with her throughout the day and at least nightly whenever the opportunity presents itself.  We usually either hold hands or I will hold her close as we pray.  It's been a while since she has chosen to voice a prayer other than to bless a meal.  It has also been a while since she has joined me in a devotional.  I am not discouraged by these things.  This trial is only temporary.  The influence of the evil one will not prevail as my wife is a child of God.  Again, thank you for continuing to intercede for her.

PrimaryJustice:  I have been praying for you and your wife along the way and I appreciate your praying for us as well.  I'm sure, like me, you had no problems letting go of 2009.  When I first learned of the adulteress relationship, my emotions took over for a while.  I had to be very careful about how I handled myself because I didn't want my emotions to control my actions.  I was fortunate enough to have a good Christian, biblical counselor to help me through that period.  As I began to shift my focus to God's truth and the reality of the situation, it became less about me and more about my wife's personal relationship with God.  I have grown much closer to God through this process as I've tried to be very diligent to search His Word for guidance and act on it when necessary.

I have to continually look at things from a more spiritual perspective.  Jesus said that upon the ressurrection, there is no husband and wife - we all become like angels (Matthew 22:30).  This reminds me of how the purpose of our life on earth is solely to bring glory to God.  Each one of us is called to sacrifice ourselves for the purpose of serving God and to be transformed by the renewing of our mind so we can prove God's good, pleasing, and perfect Will (Romans 12:1-2).  It appears that this is the path you are on.  Unfortunately, it does not appear that this is the path your wife is on.

I encourage you to consider asking God if He desires you to enter into a time of fasting and praying for the purpose of interceding for your wife.  You may have already done so.  The evil one has been known to become weak when individuals are praying and fasting.

Praying with you...

HopefulHusband

[Ray in Florida]

Dear Brother in Christ ... I can relate all too well to what you've laid out here ... I have walked where you now walk ... my wife and i have been married for 22 years ... I'm 54, and she's 52 ... we got married on Christmas Eve of 1987 ... at any rate, my DW had an affair with a co-worker back in 2004 ... I found out about it 5 months in ... told her she needed to tell the "other man" that either he was taking her, or it was over ... he declined, and it supposedly ended ... 6 months later (Jan. '05), it comes out that she'd been lying all this time ... slipping out to meet up with the guy ... "the sex was just too good" ... again, I told her that she needed to either convince him to take her as his own, or it was over ... again, he declined and she was devastated ... and we began the process of putting our marriage back together ... or so I thought. She never was able to completely "commit" to doing her part ... and on December 14th, she informed me that she couldn't go on any longer, and wanted out ... I would later find out that she had been maintaining contact with this guy (via e-mail) over the intervening years ... and still has "feelings" for him ... since that announcement, I have moved out of our bedroom, and now sleep in the den ... she's been up in Indiana since the 28th of December, and is due back on the 18th of January ... I do not know what things will be like when she returns.

I share all of this to put what I'm going to share in some "context" ... for me, there is no option ... I am standing for my marriage ... I have told her that I do not want a divorce, I will not file ... and I will not sign any papers that I might be served with. I have sought many venues for insight and support ... and over the past week, while she's been away, a theme has begun to develop in the support e-mails that I have been getting from 3 different Christian sites, and it is this ... "back off, and give it to God" ... there is nothing else that I, as her husband, can do ... she is in a place emotionally where she will not listen to me ... I have sought to share with her some inspirational messages and photos ... with no comment or response ... I told her one time, in an e-mail that I sent her while she's away, that I missed her ... again, no response ...

The reality that I have come to is that it is now out of my control ... and if it is God's Plan that our marriage survives ... He will have to do the work ... the "heavy lifting", if you will ... and it is crushing me. I have always been a "fixer" ... when something is broken, I do what most guys do ... I try and fix it. But it has become clear to me that this is something that only God can fix ...

Each of us must make our own decisions about how we will handle situations like this ... but I believe that God will bless my decision to stand for what I know is in His Word ... you must make your own decision, but if the Word of God is on your side, then consider moving forward cautiously ... do nothing that would put YOU in conflict with the Word of God ... remember the story of David ... God forgave him for his adulterous relationship with Bathsheba ... but God also allowed David to reap the consequences of his actions ... "the sword shall never leave your house" ... and David lived with the consequencces of his actions all the rest of his life.

All I am saying is that God's Word is clear ... and each of us must decide to be obedient or not ... we each have the ability to choose our own path ... and endure the consequences. Above all else, be a Man of God ... stand on His Word in Faith and Courage ... it may take months ... years even ... for your wife to see the truth ... and she may live for a while in bitter denial ... but the truth of God's Word is undeniable ... and she will come to regret her choices to disobey her Heavenly Father ... the hardest part is not so much what you have had to endure ... it's knowing what lies ahead for her ...

May God pour His Blessings down upon you ... and may you be faithful to His Word

[primaryjustice]

HopefulHusband - Thank you so much for your prayers. Knowing that so many have been praying for my wife and myself, and knowing that God listens to our prayers has been one of the greatest sources of strength for me during this difficult time. You're absolutely right, 2009 was perhaps the most painful year of my life, yet it was also the year I grew closest to God by far. I also know that this coming year will most likely not be much easier, regardless of what happens, but I'm prepared knowing that God has me and is never going to let me go.

I wish I could say I handled my situation in a similar manner as yours when all of it broke, however in hindsight I can see that often times my emotions took over and I said and did things that were not helpful. Through a lot of prayer I've realized that although my actions were correct, my motivation was not in love, but often times out of spite and pain. It's a blessing that you had a good Christian counselor available at the beginning of all of it, and it sounds like you have the correct perspective. Staying focused on God during a situation like this can be challenging, but "we know suffering produces perserverance, perserverance character, and character hope" Rom 5:3-4. Also it amazes me the similarities in cases like these with Christian spouses. Ultimately, it's not about the affair, but about the spouses' relationship with Christ. I know that with my wife, the first step in any reconciliation between us would have to be a reconciliation with God. Until she can confess to Him and repent to Him, she has no reason to even want to reconcile with me. That's one of my hardest lessons learned in all this...I'm not her Holy Spirit. I can't bring her anywhere spiritually...it's between her and God.

Ray - I hate to say how often I'm hearing about this kind of situation, and it breaks my heart each time. I'm sorry you have to go through this with your wife of 22 years. And I completely understand what you're saying about wanting to fix it yourself. That's something that God has had to work out in me, even before the entire affair broke. I've always wanted to fix things, and that includes fixing people, but that's not my job. Only God's spirit in our hearts can transform us, and each of us having free choice, we can choose not to let Him.

Your post has actually touched on something that I've been struggling with for the past few weeks...the issue of divorce. I posted about it ealier, and I'm still praying and waiting on God for some kind of definitive answer. I know that biblically, divorce is never a good thing, but that Jesus did specify that adultery (sexual immorality) is one of the very few cases where it's allowed. A part of me, a big part of me, wants out. I want this to end, I want to just get papers filed, go through the process, and in six months have it finalized and move on with my life without my wife. But I know that's just a desire of the flesh, and I would have to discount everything else in the Bible where we see example after example of God trying to reconcile with His people. I've been praying for God to show me if he wants me to take a stand for my marriage, despite the fact that my wife and I haven't spoken in 2 1/2 months now, and she's made absolutely no indication whatsoever that she has any desire to return. Other than a few texts about picking up her mail and me asking her a few times if she wants to come back or divorce, we've had no contact. So I continue to pray, and seeing you take a stand for your marriage shows me that it's possible...it's possible to stand on God's word, stay focused on his promises, and not give up even when it seems that hope is lost.

You also mentioned something that I've carried in my heart since almost the start of the discovery...what lies ahead for my wife. "Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. " James 1:15. Sin is fun for a season...for a time, but its consequenses are the same. I pray that my wife will listen to the Spirit, the Spirit that I know she has in her heart, and that she would recommit her life to Christ. Because I still love her so much, it hurts me to think of the kind of pain she can run into with the path she's on. I know from my own experience that if we choose our own way, to indulge our own desires and our own sin, we'll pay the price.

choseneone - Thank you for your continued prayers and support throughout this time. Waiting on God is perhaps the hardest thing to do...I think perhaps there's fear there. I think I may be afraid that if I choose to wait and take a firm stand saying I won't file for divorce and I won't accept it, that I  may lose years of my life in "limbo". That's something I don't want to do, but perhaps those years would be a time that God would work in mine and my wife's life to refine us for His glory. I have to keep praying and seeking about this for now, and trusting that no matter what the outcome, God is still in control of my life.

Thanks again to all who have and continue to pray. As always, please keep my wife and myself in prayer. The road ahead is not clear, but it's good to know who's guiding me through it.

[chosenone]

PJ
Sometimes God does lead people who are in situations like yours to divorce and move on. Sometimes he doesn't.
He knows the future and only He knows if your wife will ever return or repent. I guess that is why you need to be able to hear what he is saying. You said that you wanting to divorce is your flesh. I have actually realised that sometimes people who stand for their marriage (even when they are divorced and their spouse has remarried) can also be 'in the flesh' as they are not listening to God and are praying for the break up of another marriage and that is so wrong.

Maybe God is even leaving the decision up to you? He knows that unfaithfulness is so serious and so damaging that is often destroys a marriage,and in your wife's case she isn't wanting to come back and try to make things work.

So in your case it isn't a sin to divorce her, if that is what you decide to do in the end. She has already destroyed the marriage covenant with her actions.A divorce makes it legal.

I think it is therefore a question of asking God to CLEARLY show you the next step. Pray with some good Christian guys about it and ask them to also pray that God will make it clear whether she will ever come  back or not. if she doesn't then God wouldn't want you waiting around for years for nothing. Maybe you could even set a time limit, and wait for a year or whatever you think.

Do you know if she is thinking of divorcing you? 

I think that what I am trying to say is that whether you divorce her or not, you haven't sinned, but keep asking God to clearly show you what to do, as only he knows the future. 

[primaryjustice]

Chosenone - My apologies for my delay in responding. You're absolutely right, once someone has remarried, it is in no way acceptable to want to destroy that marriage. All we can do is pray that they will repent and ask God to honor their existing marriage, and for them not to make the same mistake again.

As a quick update, my wife has given absolutely no indication that she has any desire whatsoever to come back or to start again. In fact, today marks three months that we have not seen or spoken to each other. We have communicated by email and text, and in the past few weeks, that communication has softened a bit. While all of the pain and original feelings are still there, I've realized a lot of the anger and possibly bitterness are starting to change thanks to God working in my heart.

Bottom line, I'm pretty much at a point where I'm learning to accept that she may decide to never try to work on our marriage again. As such and after a lot of prayer, I wrote a letter this past week very clearly stating that I didn't want a divorce, that I wanted reconciliation, and asked her to pray and think about it. As cynical as I know it sounds, I don't expect it to have any real affect on her, but I'm praying that it does.

Having done that, I finally have begun to feel peace in my heart that I've done absolutely everything possible to try to reconcile my marriage. Right now, if she doesn't respond at all, I'm aiming toward the end of the month to start filing for divorce. Even then, there's six months before it's final, so that's still plenty of time to turn back if she so wishes. The balls always been in her court. I will definitely pray long and hard to confirm that this is the correct choice, but I know that, as you said, it's not a sin in this case to ask for divorce.

As far as if she's thinking about divorcing me; I doubt it. She's never preemptively brought it up or asked me for a divorce directly, and right now I know she can't afford to file.

Thanks again for your responses and your prayers during this time. At this point, I'm praying for a miracle. I know that's what it would take to get her to decide to start working on our marriage again. I'm going to pray and fast during this month; and I'm praying specifically that the Spirit will not only convict my wife, but that God would bring strong believers into her life that would gently but firmly do  the same. I'll keep updating the thread if/when anything develops.

[chosenone]

Pj well done you are doing really well. I hope that your letter will give her food for thought.
keep listening to God and letting Him lead you.
Do you know if she is still seeing the other man?
You have done all that you can, the decision is hers now.
God Bless

[777]

DUDE!!  I hate to be blunt, but.............She's not in love with you & on top of that she's seeing another man?  There is a little town called Divorceville you might want to check out.  This is infidelity.  She is obviously not a true christian.  GET OUT!!  But thats only my .02

[primaryjustice]

Hello all

Quick update on the situation; she received my letter, and her response was "no offense, but no thanks". Plain and simple. The good news is, that freed my spirit and I'm now for the most part at peace with proceeding with divorce.

I asked her a few days ago one final time if she'd consider reconciliation, and she bluntly said "not going to happen" (all of this through texting). So, I informed her I'd probably be  filing for divorce later this month. I also let her know she can stop the process at any time, if she genuinely asks and wants to.

Ironically, our wedding anniversary is Feb 28.

I've already spoken with my pastor and let him know. He's more than supportive, and prayed for me and her. I continue to pray for her, and continue to love her, but have to start the slow process of picking up the pieces and moving forward with my life.

Thank you all once again for your prayers. God can still work miracles, if my wife decides to let Him. I'll keep updating as things develop.

[son of God]

If you truly want reconciliation, why are you proceeding with legal severance and putting away completely?  I would think that that's kind of like the dude that tells his wife that he loves her and then beats her.  The two things are diametrically opposed.  If my wife did that to me, told me that she wanted to reconcile but was divorcing me, I'd consider her off her rocker.

I'm not telling you what to do one way or the other, but just pointing out that you're sending two totally different messages.  

"A double minded man is unstable in ALL his ways."

It is true, you know.


Just my two bits here.