Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?

[UtahDad]

One final thought that's driving me...if we don't reconcile, I plan on marrying again in the future. I need to be able to show my future wife that my commitment to marriage is for a lifetime, and that in as much as I was able to, I did everything I could to save my marriage, and was unable to do so entirely as a result of an unrepentant spouse. I need my future children to know I will never, ever abandon them. That's one thing that drives me to do stay.

Good answer.  I had my wife abandon me a month ago today, the only contact I have had has been bad with her saying God had called her to file for divorce.  From what I have gathered she is also committing adultery with her ex that should be in jail for stuff that he did to her.  People ask me why I am still wearing my ring after all this as I wait for her to file the papers and I answer them along the same lines as what you wrote.  I have done everything I can to the point of looking like a total fool but when I do find someone in the future my actions will speak a lot for my character.

I went thru many years of lies, affairs, and other unmentionable things.  Remember that no matter what she does or says, it is NOT your fault that she chooses to do these things.  I suffered for a long time thinking that somehow I drove my wife to do these things and would always be trying to change myself so she would stop when in all actuality, she was the one with a problem.

[primaryjustice]

UtahDad - It's heartbreaking to hear what you've endured and are currently going through. Know that God honors your commitment to marriage, and I completely agree with you that your actions do speak volumes. In the long run, you will be able to look back with a clear conscience and know what you did was right.

I hope for the best result in your situation, and please know you will be in my prayers. Pain tends to be God's way of growing us, and these kind of experiences can add volumes to our testimony for Him.

[chosenone]

One final thought that's driving me...if we don't reconcile, I plan on marrying again in the future. I need to be able to show my future wife that my commitment to marriage is for a lifetime, and that in as much as I was able to, I did everything I could to save my marriage, and was unable to do so entirely as a result of an unrepentant spouse. I need my future children to know I will never, ever abandon them. That's one thing that drives me to do stay.

Good answer.  I had my wife abandon me a month ago today, the only contact I have had has been bad with her saying God had called her to file for divorce. From what I have gathered she is also committing adultery with her ex that should be in jail for stuff that he did to her. People ask me why I am still wearing my ring after all this as I wait for her to file the papers and I answer them along the same lines as what you wrote.  I have done everything I can to the point of looking like a total fool but when I do find someone in the future my actions will speak a lot for my character.

I went thru many years of lies, affairs, and other unmentionable things.  Remember that no matter what she does or says, it is NOT your fault that she chooses to do these things.  I suffered for a long time thinking that somehow I drove my wife to do these things and would always be trying to change myself so she would stop when in all actuality, she was the one with a problem.

Utah dad. The bit about God calling her to file for divorce is just one example of how Christian's can be so deceived. She had had numerous affairs and then God tells HER to file for divorce. Now that is truly amazing in its audacity.

primary justice. You sound as if you have your head screwed on right and have a really good and balanced attitude. You are also being very sensible about setting boundaries and allowing her to feel the results of her actions. Often that is the only way that people will repent and see sense.
It is clear form what your wife said that she had no intention of killing herself, but I respect your common sense in that if it happens again or she threatens it, you will get her watched over for the 72 hours, and if she doesn't want that, then she wont do it again.

Also well done for wanting to do the right thing by your wife. My husband treated his ex with dignity and kindness despite her unfaithfulness and bad behaviour torwads him and God is blessing him so much now.God will reward you for good attitudes and fairness believe me.  I respect him highly for his godliness, as he respects me for the way I treated my ex. We both know that divorce was never what we wanted but happened despite this.We both know that neither of us will ever be unfaithful to our spouse.

God Bless

[primaryjustice]

UtahDad - Chosenone is absolutely correct. Sometimes people will say that God told them to do something that seems completely against His character. In any case like that, what I've been taught and learned over and over is to go back to His word. If someone says that God said something that contradicts His word, that's a clear sign it's not of God. God never contradicts His own word.

chosenone - I'm trying :). Not sure what the outcome of this will be, but both my wife and I really need and appreciate as much prayer as possible. It's encouraging to hear that both you and your husband treated your ex's with dignity and respect. I'm learning quickly that it's not something that's easy to do, but it's definitely something that's growing my faith and teaching me to rely on Him for everything, including the strength to do what's right and not what I really feel, which can sometimes be very ugly.

[primaryjustice]

Just wanted to ask if you could all continue to keep my wife and myself in prayer. She just lost her job as a result of her actions (church secretary - not allowed to be in an unrepentant affair), and although I agree with the church letting her go and plan on continuing to attend that church, it will definitely pose a financial burden on her. Perhaps starting to suffer the consequences of her actions will jolt her back to reality, perhaps not. Only time will tell.

Please keep her and I in prayer. I will try to help her in as much as I can under the circumstances.

Thanks in advance.

[haveahope]

I will pray for you and for your wife.  Sin is so blinding. Be patient, I hope you can follow some of the 180 as best suits you and I hope your wife comes to realize all that she will lose.  Like her reputation with a whole church family.  Not that that stops people from this sin...... all too familiar territory here.  
Hope your day is blessed.
HAH

[primaryjustice]

HAH - Thanks for your prayers. I've been incorporating the 180 items into a few of the other things I'm working with. I recently read a quick book called "How to save your marriage alone" by Ed Wheat. I don't remember if I mentioned it earlier here or not. I'm trying to incorporate some (not all) of that into what I'm doing and balancing it out with the 180, advice from Christian friends, and a whole heck of a lot of prayer and Bible reading. It's going to be a long journey, and whatever the outcome, God is in control.

Thanks again!

[FoC]

is this other man a christian?

Good question.
The gent who had sex with my exwife while we were still married claimed to be a 'christian' who was just looking for a woman to spend his life with.
Apparently married women werent crossed off his list of hopefuls.

Is he 'christian' ?
looking at the guy in my case the evidence says no.
Christian men dont go looking for married women to have sex with and to break up their marriages.
As a side note, their marriage is already on the rocks and shes been threatening divorce while hes sitting in front of a playstation 12 hours a day ignoring her.


Great posts, Chosenone. :)

[FoC]

Just wanted to ask if you could all continue to keep my wife and myself in prayer.

Absolutely will add you 2 to our prayers.

[primaryjustice]

I don't think I've ever mentioned on this thread before, but no, the other man is not a Christian. My understanding from what my wife has told me (I don't ask much anymore) is that he used to be a catholic altar boy, and going on some stuff I know from Facebook (we were FB friends for a while - not face to face friends though), he seems incredibly bitter at the church and Christianity in general. I have my suspicions as to why, but they're just that, so I can't really say.

One thing I know for sure, he's definitely changed my wife's perspective on Christianity. While she was once the person who would have to drag me out of bed to go to church and was taking a bus down to a local press to volunteer with packaging and mailing tracts, she now speaks of the ills of organized religion and how it's used to control people's lives. I can't judge her relationship with Christ right now, but I don't think I'd be too far in saying that right now, she's backslidden.

The Bible does say to judge people by their fruit, which FOC is exactly why I understand you saying the other guy is not a Christian although he claims to be one. The word of God never changes, and if someone does something, like you said "go looking for married women to have sex with", we have to really question whether their faith is genuine or not. I believe that if someone falls into this sin with genuine faith, they will have repentant hearts. It may be a struggle, but they will struggle to do what is right. If their entire perception of what is right and wrong gets skewed, as seems to be my wife's case right now ("everything in the Bible is open to interpretation"), all we can do is pray for the Spirit to work in their lives while we try to model Christ.

Thank you for your prayers FOC. Yours as well as so many others are a great source of encouragement to me.

[FoC]

The Bible does say to judge people by their fruit, which FOC is exactly why I understand you saying the other guy is not a Christian although he claims to be one.

Very much what I was getting at.
If Jesus and Paul and Peter and others warn us against false teachers, why cant there simply be false brethren as well ? Makes no sense to be willing to understand that a teacher can be false and not anyone else.
Christ definitely shows that we know them by their fruit. Apple trees dont produce bananas. If its producing apples, then its an apple tree (barring some genetic freak of nature).

Ive met a lot of people who would say they are christian, but they certainly have never produced a single fruit to prove it.
One guy was my 'best friend' for almost two decades from 1983-2002 or so who claimed christianity for years. It was all well and good until he spent a weekend with my ex and I and did his best to get her to have sex with him (he knew she was fooling around already and how she'd been in the past).
Some friend.
Calling oneself christian is like telling people I live on the moon. Saying it dont make it so.

The word of God never changes, and if someone does something, like you said "go looking for married women to have sex with", we have to really question whether their faith is genuine or not. I believe that if someone falls into this sin with genuine faith, they will have repentant hearts. It may be a struggle, but they will struggle to do what is right. If their entire perception of what is right and wrong gets skewed, as seems to be my wife's case right now ("everything in the Bible is open to interpretation"), all we can do is pray for the Spirit to work in their lives while we try to model Christ.

Christians can be deceived and stumble  for a time. Honestly I think it happens sometimes in order to let us learn from mistakes and gain understanding we wouldnt otherwise have.

Thank you for your prayers FOC. Yours as well as so many others are a great source of encouragement to me.

Very welcome.
Ive been married before twice and in both cases went thru very similar circumstances as you are going thru now.
I understand the pain and the emotional roller coaster it puts you thru and the general feeling of helplessness where the marriage is concerned when a spouse is looking in someone elses direction and it seems they are leaving you behind and theres nothing you can do about it.
It turns everything in your world upside down and makes your insides feel like theyre in a blender. I
Ive been thru physical pain in my life that I seriously doubt many will ever face in life and Id rather go thru that again than thru another broken marriage and a divorce like the others.

God bless you brother.
Dont feel like youre alone. There are lots of us who have gone thru the same sort of thing you are...you arent alone at all.

:)

[chosenone]

Its a hard one this isnt it. A person who claims to be a Christian acting in a way that seems to show that they are not.(such as by having an affair, leaving your spouse for another etc. I guess the difference is that if they truly are a christisn, they will as some point repent and appologise for what they did, and if they arent a christian they never will and will carry on thinking that that have an excuse to do what they did.

[son of God]

I agree with the suicide people wanting attention: they are totally self absorbed.  So when about thiry, and a friend came and said that he was very seriously considering suicide, and just about did it, but was not looking for some help, I told him that I'l load up my gun and hand it to him -- just get it overwith and quite trying to manipulate others through your death, and I'd make sure that he didn't botch it, 'cus we don't need idiots around.  He got angry and stormed out.  Then a few days later, came and apologized.  And now (15 years later) he's an ordained Greek Orthodox priest. 

So perhaps he committed spiritual suicide!

[phoebe]

Churches are full of people who claim to be Christians but don't act like it.  (Don't be looking around you.)


Not all of us are Jobs.

[phoebe]

I agree with the suicide people wanting attention: they are totally self absorbed.  So when about thiry, and a friend came and said that he was very seriously considering suicide, and just about did it, but was not looking for some help, I told him that I'l load up my gun and hand it to him -- just get it overwith and quite trying to manipulate others through your death, and I'd make sure that he didn't botch it, 'cus we don't need idiots around.  He got angry and stormed out.  Then a few days later, came and apologized.  And now (15 years later) he's an ordained Greek Orthodox priest. 

So perhaps he committed spiritual suicide!

I sure hope you aren't taking credit for your friend not blowing his brain or his guts out!  You took a huge gamble with your "friend"!  God was watching out for him, 'cause you sure weren't!

Not true that "suicide people" ... "are totally self absorbed".

Comments like this should be removed from the forum, IMO.  It's irresponsible.  VERY irresponsible!

[FoC]

Its a hard one this isnt it. A person who claims to be a Christian acting in a way that seems to show that they are not.(such as by having an affair, leaving your spouse for another etc. I guess the difference is that if they truly are a christisn, they will as some point repent and appologise for what they did, and if they arent a christian they never will and will carry on thinking that that have an excuse to do what they did.

I dont want to get into my ex's too much, but just to show a point here.

My first wife wanted to go to church a lot when we were dating. I remember thinking that was great. Shes a christian so its ok to marrry her.
Then later I realized she was going pretty much to get the attention of other guys, not really for God at all.
Appearances can be so deceiving...

[FoC]

I agree with the suicide people wanting attention: they are totally self absorbed.  So when about thiry, and a friend came and said that he was very seriously considering suicide, and just about did it, but was not looking for some help, I told him that I'l load up my gun and hand it to him -- just get it overwith and quite trying to manipulate others through your death, and I'd make sure that he didn't botch it, 'cus we don't need idiots around.  He got angry and stormed out.  Then a few days later, came and apologized.  And now (15 years later) he's an ordained Greek Orthodox priest.  

So perhaps he committed spiritual suicide!

Uh....yeah.
Gent my father blew his brains out with a 357 magnum.
Just because ONE person you know didnt really want to kill themselves doesnt mean that thats the case with EVERYONE else who does.

My father wasnt self absorbed. He was depressed and had just had his job and everything else in his life ripped away from him and didnt think he had anything to live for anymore.

You OUGHT to be put in jail for offering anyone a gun under the circumstances you did.
I think maybe law enforcement might need to take a look at your post which I will be directing them to immediately.
Assisting suicide in any way is a felony from my understanding.

[chosenone]

I agree with the suicide people wanting attention: they are totally self absorbed.  So when about thiry, and a friend came and said that he was very seriously considering suicide, and just about did it, but was not looking for some help, I told him that I'l load up my gun and hand it to him -- just get it overwith and quite trying to manipulate others through your death, and I'd make sure that he didn't botch it, 'cus we don't need idiots around.  He got angry and stormed out.  Then a few days later, came and apologized.  And now (15 years later) he's an ordained Greek Orthodox priest. 

So perhaps he committed spiritual suicide!

Uh....yeah.
Gent my father blew his brains out with a 357 magnum.
Just because ONE person you know didnt really want to kill themselves doesnt mean that thats the case with EVERYONE else who does.

My father wasnt self absorbed. He was depressed and had just had his job and everything else in his life ripped away from him and didnt think he had anything to live for anymore.

You OUGHT to be put in jail for offering anyone a gun under the circumstances you did.
I think maybe law enforcement might need to take a look at your post which I will be directing them to immediately.
Assisting suicide in any way is a felony from my understanding.

  foc
my mum also killed herself due to depression (she hung herself)and she told no one and never threatened to do it, she just did, so I agree that not all those who kill themselvs are looking for attention or self absorbed. My mum was the nicest and most godly women I have ever known, but depression is a horrible illness and it took her life away..
However there are those who do use it to manipulate and control and never actually mean to do it.Some do it as a cry for help, so that is another reason, as they are finding it very hard to cope with life.

[phoebe]

My brother-in-law shot himself in the gut with a shotgun.  Not depressed.  Not self-absorbed.  Not joking.

His father found him.

[chosenone]

My brother-in-law shot himself in the gut with a shotgun.  Not depressed.  Not self-absorbed.  Not joking.

His father found him.

why did he do it if he wasnt depressed?

[primaryjustice]

Again, I must mention about suicide; regardless of what we can see in hindsight, we absolutely CANNOT ignore ANY mention of it. Some may just be crying out for attention, some may be trying to manipulate others, some may really, really want to die. It cannot be ignored. If anyone ever mentions it, take it seriously, and get help fast. Take it from a guy who can handle a lot of emotional pain, it is not worth it. I can handle an affair from my wife; I can handle the lying and the cheating, but believe me, no one should ever have to go through the pain of thinking someone they love may be dead from suicide. It's horrible. GET THEM HELP BEFORE THEY TRY!

That said, thanks for the continued prayers. It's still a roller coaster, and it's increasingly difficult for me to continue living with my wife, but just as I feel like giving up, I pray, draw closer to God, and he answers. I was feeling hopeless today thinking that there's no possible hope of fixing this. I asked God specifically to give me some hope from somewhere because I was all out. I checked my email and my daily Bible study from harvest.org was in there; the topic - "Divine Delays". It spoke about how God works in his own timing, about how we shouldn't stop praying because God isn't answering the way we want, and about how there's spiritual battles taking place in the background that we can't see. Felt like God knocking me upside the head telling me to quit trying to do things my way, in my time. Sure, the pain remains, but it's that pain that draws me closer to Him every day.

About hypocrisy and Christians not appearing like Christians; it's true that the church is full of those who don't behave as they should, myself included often. The true mark I believe is that we try our best to obey. We repent, we admit to wrong, and we ask God to forgive us and to show us where we need to improve. Many struggle with things, myself included, but it's a matter of the heart. If someone is struggling but genuinely trying to give up sin, that person bears the mark of a true believer from what I understand. If someone gives themselves over to sin and shuts out any kind of conviction; that person may be on the path to backsliding.

Once again, thank you for all of the prayers.

[lightshineon]

 I have no experience in this area, so maybe my words are hollow, and of no value. I guess my opinion is, if my husband did this, I could not have him back. It is a matter of self-worth. I know reconciliation is the goal, but, Jesus did give us an out, because he knew. Hebrews tells us that, God ( himself) will judge those unfaithful in marriage. Now, that is scary, because Jesus will judge Christians at the Judgment seat of Christ. I always wondered if the blood of Jesus, was not there between God's wrath upon adultery, and God's punishment? I really do not know that, and I feel sorry for you, please do not take that wrong, it is just sad, that, she is acting like a dog ( sorry) and having relations with another man. Like I said, I am not experienced in this, and maybe there is no value in my words. I guess, knowing myself, if my husband had another, I would say choose, and waste no time about it. I would also think, if he thinks he can do better go for it. Though I will say, there is nothing impossible with God, and yes if she is willing, and you are willing restoration is there for this marriage. Why do you think she did this? I do not mean justification for her, but does she have an excuse? She is contradicting the word of God also, a very grievous sin, surely she is more mature than that? How old is she?

[chosenone]

I have no experience in this area, so maybe my words are hollow, and of no value. I guess my opinion is, if my husband did this, I could not have him back. It is a matter of self-worth. I know reconciliation is the goal, but, Jesus did give us an out, because he knew. Hebrews tells us that, God ( himself) will judge those unfaithful in marriage. Now, that is scary, because Jesus will judge Christians at the Judgment seat of Christ. I always wondered if the blood of Jesus, was not there between God's wrath upon adultery, and God's punishment? I really do not know that, and I feel sorry for you, please do not take that wrong, it is just sad, that, she is acting like a dog ( sorry) and having relations with another man. Like I said, I am not experienced in this, and maybe there is no value in my words. I guess, knowing myself, if my husband had another, I would say choose, and waste no time about it. I would also think, if he thinks he can do better go for it. Though I will say, there is nothing impossible with God, and yes if she is willing, and you are willing restoration is there for this marriage. Why do you think she did this? I do not mean justification for her, but does she have an excuse? She is contradicting the word of God also, a very grievous sin, surely she is more mature than that? How old is she?

I am 100% with you on this lightshoneon. I couldnt and wouldnt tolerate infidelity. I doubt if I could have any man back who did this to me and if he wasnt prepared to immediatly stop seeing her then he would be out the door.  Like you I would give him a choice, me or her and that choice would have to be then and there, and not "well I will think about it" Even then, I doubt very much that I could trust or stay married to any man who did this.
I definately couldnt stay in the same house as a man who was committing adultery with another. I am totally faithful and expect nothing less from my husband. Neither of us have ever been unfaithful, both have ex spouses who committed sexual immorality in different ways.

We are all different however, and some can make a go of it and some cant. I doubt if I could ever have sex again with any man I was married to who did this to me.  That is why God does indeed give us a way out of such a marriage as he knows that it is the worse thing that one spouse can do to another.They have actually broken the marriage covenant, and really that marriage has to start again from scratch if they are both wanting that. If they choose to divorce they are just making legal what has already happened by the sin committed.

[k-pappy]

   That's a little judgmental, chosenone.  Have you been in that position before?

It looks like both of them sinned by committing adultery.  Is his sin worse because he did it first?  Is her sin worse because she is not remorseful?   

  The answer is no to both.  They both sinned equally and they both need forgiveness.  Jesus' command is not a loophole to God's design for marraige.     Adultery is not an automatic out.  Both parties need prayer and counselling, not our judgmental attitudes.   

In Christ,
KP

[chosenone]

 That's a little judgmental, chosenone.  Have you been in that position before?

It looks like both of them sinned by committing adultery.  Is his sin worse because he did it first?  Is her sin worse because she is not remorseful?  

 The answer is no to both.  They both sinned equally and they both need forgiveness.  Jesus' command is not a loophole to God's design for marraige.    Adultery is not an automatic out.  Both parties need prayer and counselling, not our judgmental attitudes.  

In Christ,
KP

K Pappy
As far as I have read this man has never committed adultery, but his wife is committing adultery right now and isnt prepared to stop..
I was answering lightshineon and agreeing with her that i couldnt stay in a marriage where this happens. Yes we can stay, but adultery does break the covenant, and thus we can divorce if we cant get past it although fogiveness isnt optional..
If one spouse betrays ther other, the other spouse has to decide what to do. If they stay that is fine but iif they dont that is what they need to do and is a consequense of the sin committed.

[primaryjustice]

lightshineon & chosenone - I completely understand your perspectives. Believe me, in the flesh, I want to give my wife the boot and never let her back in again. There have been days when I have been so angry that I literally have wanted to punch holes in a wall, or beat up a punching bag. Right now, I'm already looking beyond my marriage to what lies ahead, but I'm also trusting God that He'll do whatever He wants. Our marriage as it was is over. If we ever do reconcile, which right now seems highly improbable, it will have to be a new marriage, and it will have to be done right. One thing I'm realizing out of all of this, though, is I'm starting to see areas in our marriage that I messed up in. Not areas that merit an affair (nothing does and it's NEVER excusable), but areas where I led us astray. Areas where I should have pointed us back to Christ but I instead went along with sin. I'm trying to use this as a process of self growth at this point, since I seriously doubt my wife wants any reconciliation.

k-pappy - As far as the basic definition of infidelity, no, I have never, ever cheated on my wife. I have in our five years gone out of my way to avoid situations at work and socially that would open the door for that, because I'm weak when it comes to that, and I don't want to even mess with it. That said, Jesus defined adultery in the heart as looking upon a woman to lust after her, and that I'm very guilty of. I repent daily of that, and have definitely gotten better, but my eyes are definitely something I've had a problem with for my entire adult life and even prior. I pray daily about this and I know God is using this experience to work in my heart about that. But again, in as far as it relates to adultery between myself and another person, I have never, ever done that. Never cheated on my wife when we were dating either. I have plenty of other faults though that I'm discovering and praying through.

Thanks again for the responses, and as always, please continue to pray for myself and my wife; for guidance and strength and endurance.

[haveahope]

Just wanted to say that   IMO - NO ONE knows for sure what they will do when facing adultery committed by their spouse.  I said it many times, it would be a deal breaker for me.  You think you know what you'd do, I know that feeling.  But you just can't know until you are there.
HAH

PJ - still praying for you and your wife too. 

[primaryjustice]

HAH - Quite true. I always said that because of stuff in our past (before marriage), our marriage already was a second chance. In fact, the day I discovered, I made my wife choose, and she actually spent the next night out of the house. It was the church that urged me to take her back, and now after the suicide attempt I've got her here because she really has no place to go. Not easy, but it's not for me anymore. I'm trying to do this all for Him.

Thanks again for the prayers. If you've been seeing another thread by UtahDad, he's in a similar situation if you could keep him in prayer as well.

[chosenone]

PJ
God is amazing isnt He that He uses horrible situations for our good, and to bring helaing and cleansing to us. Whatever happens in this situation, he WILL bless you for your faithfullness, and he will continue to use it for good.
Is your wife still wanting to see this other man?

[primaryjustice]

chosenone - He truly is. I'm still believing for good to come out of all of this, regardless of what happens with my marriage. Even though in myself I don't feel like I want my wife back (because of what she's doing), I still pray for restoration in my marriage, because I know God would want that more than divorce, and if He wants He can bring about a change in her heart, and in mine as well.

Yes, as far as she has told me, she had lunch with him on Thursday, spent time with him on Friday "hanging out", and although I believe she saw him this Saturday and played tennis with him this Sunday. I don't know for sure, she's asked me to stop asking, so I've basically just turned her over to God. It seems like now that she no longer works for the church, she doesn't have to deal with the conviction she was feeling as a result, and she basically wants me to back off as well since I remind her of the pain she's causing me. It's in God's hands. Nothing more I can really do. Honestly, I'm hoping she finds a job and moves out quick, although I don't know what God has planned.

[chosenone]

Is she actually looking for a job and a home away from you?
I ask this because my brothers wife did the same ie was having an affair while still living with him, and it was so hard for him. No one should have to put up with that happening. I know that I couldn't do that myself, but I accept that you want to do the right thing. could you say to her that if she wants to see him she will have to move out and that if she stays there, she will have to stop seeing him until she can move out? Do you think she would try to manipulate you again if you did that?
MY husband also faced this with his ex wife who was seeing another man while in the same house. He was thrown out of the bedroom. No one should have to put up with their spouse being unfaithful while still in the same house, that is extremely cruel.  A for what God wants, well in the case of unfaithfulness that isn't stopping, he does give us a way out for a reason. We have to remember that adultery is extremely serious and was once punishable by death. It breaks the covenant, and He isn't going to think any the less of you if you felt that you had had enough.
It isn't a sin to divorce someone in your position, but the main thing is that only God knows whether she will stop or not, so to be open to His voice and guidance is the main thing.

[lightshineon]

Just wanted to say that   IMO - NO ONE knows for sure what they will do when facing adultery committed by their spouse.  I said it many times, it would be a deal breaker for me.  You think you know what you'd do, I know that feeling.  But you just can't know until you are there.
HAH

PJ - still praying for you and your wife too. 

I know you are right, but, I know myself and how unfortunately prideful I am.

[lightshineon]

lightshineon & chosenone - I completely understand your perspectives. Believe me, in the flesh, I want to give my wife the boot and never let her back in again. There have been days when I have been so angry that I literally have wanted to punch holes in a wall, or beat up a punching bag. Right now, I'm already looking beyond my marriage to what lies ahead, but I'm also trusting God that He'll do whatever He wants. Our marriage as it was is over. If we ever do reconcile, which right now seems highly improbable, it will have to be a new marriage, and it will have to be done right. One thing I'm realizing out of all of this, though, is I'm starting to see areas in our marriage that I messed up in. Not areas that merit an affair (nothing does and it's NEVER excusable), but areas where I led us astray. Areas where I should have pointed us back to Christ but I instead went along with sin. I'm trying to use this as a process of self growth at this point, since I seriously doubt my wife wants any reconciliation.

k-pappy - As far as the basic definition of infidelity, no, I have never, ever cheated on my wife. I have in our five years gone out of my way to avoid situations at work and socially that would open the door for that, because I'm weak when it comes to that, and I don't want to even mess with it. That said, Jesus defined adultery in the heart as looking upon a woman to lust after her, and that I'm very guilty of. I repent daily of that, and have definitely gotten better, but my eyes are definitely something I've had a problem with for my entire adult life and even prior. I pray daily about this and I know God is using this experience to work in my heart about that. But again, in as far as it relates to adultery between myself and another person, I have never, ever done that. Never cheated on my wife when we were dating either. I have plenty of other faults though that I'm discovering and praying through.

Thanks again for the responses, and as always, please continue to pray for myself and my wife; for guidance and strength and endurance.

I admire your maturity, I really do, but don't you just not want to be angry, and make her make a choice? I am saying not all anger is unrighteous, and what she is doing is cringing sin into the camp ( your home), she needs to choose, for your spiritual life as well. Stuffed anger. can turn into a root of bitterness, we as humans can be walked on only so much, in this area. Like I said no, never happened to me, but, things have happened to Chosen.

[lightshineon]

chosenone - He truly is. I'm still believing for good to come out of all of this, regardless of what happens with my marriage. Even though in myself I don't feel like I want my wife back (because of what she's doing), I still pray for restoration in my marriage, because I know God would want that more than divorce, and if He wants He can bring about a change in her heart, and in mine as well.

Yes, as far as she has told me, she had lunch with him on Thursday, spent time with him on Friday "hanging out", and although I believe she saw him this Saturday and played tennis with him this Sunday. I don't know for sure, she's asked me to stop asking, so I've basically just turned her over to God. It seems like now that she no longer works for the church, she doesn't have to deal with the conviction she was feeling as a result, and she basically wants me to back off as well since I remind her of the pain she's causing me. It's in God's hands. Nothing more I can really do. Honestly, I'm hoping she finds a job and moves out quick, although I don't know what God has planned.

Missed the suicide attempt, will have to go back and read. I am praying. Why does she not go live with her new lovey. sounds like he is a real winner.

[lightshineon]

 far as I see Pj, you are standing in some sort of commendation for her sin. I am not a perfect wife, my husband is not a perfect husband, but, he does not have to be, neither do I. I am not getting this, maybe  I will not, maybe I need to pray, but come on, she has set her will against God's and just stepping on you, and her marriage vows. You have to live your convictions, and I do not personally know you, Boy, I want to pull her hair out myself. But alas, i will pray for you and God's will, and UD also., and throw myself in the prayer somewhere.