Keep forgiving the lies...or leave?

[sauldapsis]

My wife has Tourette's Syndrome. Unfortunately, ADD & OCD is also part of the package. This is the part that has caused so many problems over the last ten years. Since June, I have caught her lying five times about money. For example, last June, she said that she wanted to go with her friend to a casino for an over-nighter. She didn't need any money, she said, just going along for the ride. I said that as long as she wasn't spending money that it was fine with me. She came back the next day, had a great time. A week goes by. I'm at the bank and I ask what my balance is. It's a lot less than it should be. I ask for a printout of the history. While at the casino, she withdrew $700 from the ATM. This was rent money! Consequently, the rent check bounced, fees were attached, and, in general, caused a huge strain on finances. Mind you, a whole week went by with her acting like nothing was wrong. She knew that was rent money yet she couldn't stop herself.

I stumbled out of the bank in a daze. It was devastating. I immediately asked God for a meeting, I needed him now! I simply asked God what I should do about this and His response was that I shouldn't get angry because of her affliction. The behavior is so irrational but I forgave her and continue to forgive.

Now, is this the marriage I always dreamed about? No. Not by a longshot. Again, she has lied to me five times since June. Most recently, last Monday. The big issue is trust. To stay in this relationship means that I would have to accept the following conditions: I would never be able to fully trust & believe her, I would have to continue arguing irrational arguments caused by her irrational behavior, and continue in a sexless marriage (eight years now...).

What keeps me in the marriage is the belief that God wants me to take care of her. When I first met her, her maiden name was De La Cruz. That's "of the cross" in Spanish. It's easy to see that as a sign from God. Anytime I start thinking about my own happiness and what I might want, I start feeling selfish and that isn't loving, is it? So I should put aside my own needs for this other human being because it's the right thing to do, right? It saddens me that I don't have a partner in life that I will grow with. I feel more like a caretaker and roomate.

If this is God's mission for me, to take care of my wife despite the overwhelming negatives, then I am more than willing. However, what about me? A part of me wants to leave and find a relationship that is fulfilling. I wanted a Christian perspective, of course, and would appreciate any advice from anyone. Feel free to respond directly to my e-mail or through this site. Thank you so much in advance!

Love to all,

Saul Dapsis
sauldapsis@yahoo.com

[JohnDB]

first off...Are YOU NUTS???

Ok...now it is out of my system and we can talk normally.

(just a little humor to lighten the mood)

First off you need to open a new bank account that your wife knows nothing about and has no access to. (if you wish to stay) That is the account that you pay the bills out of. She is mentally ill...you do not let mentally ill people have decision making capability about things that are crucial to the well being of a family.  

Second

Mentally ill people may be pleasant to be around...but...that doesn't mean that you should marry them. She is destroying and attempting to destroy your family regularly. That should speak for itself. Taking all of the rent money and gambling it away is called financial abuse. This is a reason we call them mentally ill...they do not seek their own good.

If you were to leave her all alone...yes...she would self destruct. She is trying to destroy the two of you now...only fancy footwork on your part has stopped it from happening...I hope you are good at it because as time progresses she is going to try harder and harder to destroy the two of you together....that is what mentally ill people do.

Maybe they will find a cure one day for this...but in the meantime you are really stuck...or not. Your choice, concience, and relationship with God.

[lightshineon]

 Look, can understand your panic, I really can. You must issue ultimatums, it is lying and deceit, which has nothing to do with her conditions,  There is no excuse for her lying except sin, Just as the porn thing with men, it is just sin. You sit her down, tell her, that you will give her an allowance, and maybe after the checks have all cleared open a account, maybe a savings account, Stop the bleed, she is not mature enough to have free access to money at this time.

[yesult]

You covenented before God to be her husband.

Unless there is sexual sin involved, like fornication that she hid from you before you married or adultery or serious sexual sin (I don't like to say it, (particularly since it's unlikely) but any form of perversion), you have no biblical grounds to divorce her.





(disclaimer: and I only thought to add the perversion part because mental illness can twist and push people towards doing some abnormal things sometimes but please don't take that personally as an assumption or accusation. Just mentioning it.)

[armywifenmom]

Is she on meds, if she is, they may need to be altered. Is she a christian.....i mean, one who goes to church and reads her bible type  of christian? If not it is going to be a tougher haul. I know deep down you are looking for someone to come along and say that you have the right to divorce her, but we would not be talking out of the flesh, not the spirit. This is not to say that you are wrong to feel that way. we all would, but you have to take this one day at a time, one season at a time. We have tests at various times in our lives, this is your current test, turn it into a testimony. Fight for your marriage, ask God to give you wisdom [i AGREE ABOUT CREATING A SEPERATE ACCOUNT AND LIMITING HER FUNDS]  and ask him to give you a heart that loves her!

[chosenone]

The thing you mentioned about not having had sex for 8 years must be really hard for you. Why is that happening?. Is that down to her illness as well or is that just her not wanting to?

[lightshineon]

 No divorce is not an option, taking control of your finances and your lives is an option. Sex, none foe eight years??? Is she cheating? Has no sex drive? I am sorry, if I ventured into personal territory, but eight years??? Maybe, that is why you want to divorce her, and the using the money deception as a excuse. I am not saying that is not serious, and I am sure very stressful. I suggest you get on your knees, and ask the Lord how to restore your life and marriage. He is in the restoration business, and I guarantee, he can and will move mountains. He loves you, and your wife, and wants for you to live the abundant life.

[sauldapsis]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my situation. I really appreciate your advice.

JohnDB - First, I didn't realize that I had set a mood that needed to be lightened. I have a huge sense of humor and I'm an actor who loves comedy but I found your "Are you nuts?" comment to be insensitive. I know you didn't mean to offend, my brother, and I'm not angry, but why would you say something like that to someone who is pouring their heart out about a serious matter? Choose your words more carefully. There is a time and place for humor.

Second, my wife is on permanent disability and receives a check every month. She needs her own account (it's a joint account so I have access) for the direct deposit on the third of the month. I also have my own account with a different bank. Yes, I have gone to the bank on the third and withdrawn the money so that there wouldn't be any money in the account that she would have access to. She still manages to sabatoge. Last Oct. 26th, she withdrew $220.00 with a check advance because she has direct deposit. So, two days ago, I found out that there was $220.00 less than I expected. I have tried everything to separate her from money but she's good at what she does. Believe me, this is much harder than you think.

lightshineon - You said, "it is lying and deceit, which has nothing to do with her conditions, There is no excuse for her lying except sin..." Please look up Tourette's Syndrome and particularly its' comorbid conditions of ADD & OCD, then get back to me. There ARE physiological conditions that cause people to lie and be deceitful and it has nothing to do with sin. This is not their choice. My wife, when asked why she does bad things, says, tearfully, that she doesn't know. She can't help it. Love the person, not the behavior, right?

As far as our lack of a sexual relationship, no, she's not cheating (I'm sure), but the constant arguments and her insomnia both have added to our physical distance (we don't even sleep together). Keep in mind, she's 62 and I'm 53. I'm still as virile as I was at 25. I believe that sex is the physical manifestation of God's love. For me, the sexual experience is a spiritual one, where a husband and wife give themselves to each other and, in the process, make love. She, on the other hand, has never had a sexual awareness about herself. Medications also affect her libido. And no, I'm not using money as an excuse to divorce. If I was truly wanting to divorce because of lack of sex, I would say so. Why would I even need an excuse?

yesult - Loved your directness about this issue. Yes, there was a covenant and that is what I always come back to. Absolutely no sexual perversion involved but I appreciate your perspective and I was touched by your disclaimer. How thoughtful. But, did she not break her vows with the lying? Isn't that a deal breaker?

armywifenmom - She's gone through several different concoctions of prescriptions but, honestly, I don't think that plays a big part in her lying. Is she a Christian? Well, she's Catholic so I guess that makes her a Christian but I was raised Catholic myself and I was born again at 19 and there are differences.
You say, "I know deep down you are looking for someone to come along and say that you have the right to divorce her..." You know, actually, I'm wanting for someone to say that this is God's mission for me and that I should stay in the marriage. Sure, there is a part of me that wants someone to say that it is OK to leave but I think the former is stronger.

chosenone - Again, not having sex in eight years is due to several things. First, when we first made love, I knew that this wasn't going to be a sexual relationship. It just wasn't a connective experience. Also, she  crochets...a lot...and this dries out her hands. So much so, that her hands are rougher than mine! Not a turn on. Second, all the arguments come with resentments and it's difficult to come up with desire for someone one resents. Yes, it saddens me that I will probably never make love to a woman again but if that is what God wants, then I'm all for it. I think I can officially apply for virginity status after eight years of abstinence. (:


You guys rock! This really is helping me with my decision. I really, really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. If you guys have anything more to add...I'm all ears!

I love you all!

In Christ,

Saul

[lightshineon]

 Hi, well I know about OCD, and ADD, I have them both, and have since childhood from age eleven., as a child, but overcame it. My brother and sister in law are schizophrenic, and bipolar ( They do lie, and money is an issue). So I know where you are coming from. I do not lie, I do my best to be honest, and upright. With my brother and his wife, because of them over drawing, and their SSI, being all gone by fees, and them going to payday loan companies, being extorted by another menally ill woman in their apartment complex, SSI assigned a payee, who pays their bills, and gives them an allowance. It cost sixty five do;;dollars a month. They even take them shopping for groceries, and items.  maybe something like this would be an option. The insomnia, well (LOL) at least she is awake so what is the problem? Just please forgive, lying is a morale choice, she may be impulsive whatever, but, I guarantee, if she had a relationship with Christ, a healing from the lying would come. I am not ignorant to the fact of mental illness, but, do not let her use the excuse either, I see how you would you love her very much, but I bet she is also a great actress, most theater people seem drawn to each other. I love them, they are so unique, and fun.

[sauldapsis]

Hi, LSO, wow, so you do have experience with this. Very interesting re: the payee provided by SSI. Didn't know they had such a service. Thanks for the tip.
You said, "The insomnia, well (LOL) at least she is awake so what is the problem?" I LOL when I read this, you're so funny. That's my kind of humor.
Actually, she's not an actress although I suppose the lying can be considered a form of acting. She herself doesn't like using her Tourette's as an excuse. To her credit, it's not like she always whips out the Tourette's card anytime she commits an indiscretion.

You know, ultimately, I honestly believe that her brain is wired differently. Tourette's is a neurological disorder in the brain. In addition to everything else, I've noticed an inability to develop new habits. For instance, she's very unorganized and messy. She does not have the housekeeping gene. I'll clean up the living room and within a week, there's no room to sit anywhere and the coffee table is cluttered with stuff. I've even told her that she's not encouraging me to hang out with her in the living room with the place so messy but that made no difference.

I remember years ago I told her that I shouldn't have to do any housework. At the time, I was working full time and working as an actor on my days off. In addition, I am the chief financial officer of the household and have to take care of all the bills. She doesn't work and watches soaps all day. I would get home from work and would have to do dishes and take out the trash. I certainly don't feel appreciated for  everything that I do for her. I feel like I'm taken for granted.

That being said, I still feel that God wants me to take care of her despite all the negatives. I am flattered and humbled that God feels that I can handle this. Love is patient, kind, and does not want. As long as I focus on love, I think I can do this.

Thanks again,

Saul

[lightshineon]

 Yes Saul what a good, and kind husband you are. You seem to look past her faults, as Christ does ours, though we still have consequences. The ADD, can also make her highly unorganized. LOL, my ADD, mixed with OCD, makes me a frustrated perfectionist (LOL). My husband had a form of tourettes syndrome as a child. He would roll his eyes, and jerk, his shoulder. He is very intelligent, and organized. He overcame it, in the fifth grade, by timing how long he could go without jerking. His younger brother has a form also, both so very intelligent. My daughter, has it unfortunately, she says it is like she has energy in her brain, and if she does not release it someway, she has to shake or jerk. Thank Goodness, it is not the nosies, or uncontrollable obscenities. My daughter is an excellent child actress, been in community plays, very artistic, very intelligent. She is also a drama queen, and playing parts in plays helps her so much, not to mention me. (LOL). She has no fear, I was in " Our Town" accidentally, with her hand husband, I was terrified, both of them were great. I will try and find out more about the the SSI, my mom, actually set this one up, after they went all over town to payday loan companies, and wrote checks on overdrafts, that ate their whole check up. I think in relationship with Jesus Christ, where I am weak he is strong, and his grace is sufficient, to help me not be impulsive anymore, or he directs my paths. If your wife could believe in something better, that she is loved by God, and their is hope to help in her weaknesses through Christ strength. She may not ever be what the world calls normal, but, people who are not make it more interesting. I think Christ in her weaknesses, would change her life. He took my broken life, and made me whole. I am not perfect, but I am healed of self mutilation, and my self esteem is so much better.  I I will pray for her, and you, and her relationship with our savior, and love never fails. God spoke to me eleven years ago, that every act of love would set me free, and later he reveled first Corinthins thirteen.
                May our God bless, and keep you abundantly.

[JohnDB]

Sorry dude,

Here is a verse of scripture for you.

Do with it what you will.

DT 27:24 ' Cursed is he who strikes his neighbor in secret.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'

The only difference this time is that she is your wife and not a neighbor. That is especially agregious...she is destroying herself and you at the same time...that isn't a marriage at all. That is living together with a liscense.

[BAH-BLAH]

Oh?


by timing how long he could go without jerking 

[lightshineon]

 Blah, he is very sensitive about this, and private, but if it helps someone else, he will grudgingly talk about it. He was ridiculed so badly as a child for it. He started, fifteen minutes at a time, and overcame at 10 or eleven. He is very successful, and speaks with authority and a man of God. I believe also, his parents taking him to Church and SS, helped very much, as to have the faith and overcoming spirit.

[yesult]

yesult -   But, did she not break her vows with the lying? Isn't that a deal breaker?

No, the only clause that God gives us for divorce and remarriage in the bible is sexual sin.

[lightshineon]

Oh?


by timing how long he could go without jerking 

Blah, his parents took him to psychiatrist also, but the medication made him tired, so he really overcame alot. He still rolled his eyes and blinked alot when I first met him, and he never does that anymore, not in years, and years.