Pining When I Shouldn't - Advice

[Huscarl]

I was hoping some might be able to give me some advice on how to get over someone, not because they've hurt me but because it's simply a lost cause

I'm a 23 year old male.  Three years ago while I was living in the dorms at college I met a girl that I've never gotten over.  She was a japanese exchange student and we became close friends during her short stay in America, I even flew to Japan that summer and stayed with her and her family for a couple weeks...when we were in college together and when I visited her were the happiest days of my life, and I'm still in love with her despite having dated two other girls during that time (she had a boyfriend back in Japan while we were together in America, so unfortunately I never told her how I felt, and now that she's single and I'm on the other side of the planet it would only serve to hurt the friendship)

The biggest problem, however, is that she is not Christian, in fact she really isn't anything.  She doesn't believe in a God, it's just not something most Japanese really pay attention to anymore.  Because of this I know that even if my dream was to come true things could never work, I could never be with someone who doesn't believe in God.  I could probably handle her believing in some other God, but the fact that she doesn't believe in anything has always bothered me

We may meet up again this summer in Europe, and if I do I'm afraid I won't be able to not tell her how I feel because if I don't it may be the last time I ever see her.  But I know it's a lost cause, I couldn't be with her even if we wanted, but I'm hopelessly in love with her.  I need some advice on how to put things in perspective, to try lose these feelings that only end up hurting.  Has anyone else dealt with the problem of falling in love with a non-christian, how did you handle it?

I'm usually such a shy person, and when we met I was getting over a battle with depression that lasted years, and around her I have always felt so at ease, so eager to be a better person, and she always made me feel like I mattered, which I rarely feel.  I want that, but I can't compromise my beliefs.

If you take the time to read all that, thankyou.  God Bless

[chosenone]

Every time you think about her you need to stop . Think of other things. Take every thought captive.Dont allow your thoughts to dwell on her, dont allow yourself to day dream of what might have been. She isnt yours to have, she doesnt belong to God. God wants to to meet a Christian girl, and she wont want you to be comparing her to any girl from the past that still havent got over.
God Bless

[NIV]

Have you boldly explained the gospel to her?

Are you praying that she accepts Christ?

This may be an opening to other things, but her salvation is the most important.

I'm sure she has access to email.

[Huscarl]

We keep in touch through mail, we keep each other updated on what we're up to.  I have brought up the gospel before, but she wasn't too receptive, so I have tried to slip in messages here and there, like if a quote from the Bible was relevant to a conversation.  And I have prayed many times that she will come to know Christ.  I've hoped that maybe we met so I could be her first step towards discovering Christ because I know I'm her only close friend who's a believer.

I should probably take down the couple pictures I have of her hanging in my room, but it's hard, I don't feel stressed when I look at them.  And thankyou ChosenOne for the advice, you're certainly right about a future girl not wanting to be compared to someone from my past.  -sigh-

[NIV]

I read a christian article a few months back. It said to not break the door down or try to sneak through a window if the door is locked.
The article had to do with relationships.
God has it locked for a reason.

It sounds like you gave it your best shot. As painful as it is,It may be time to let her go.

[yesult]

Definatly take down all pictures. Don't meet up with her in europe and stop emailing her. As already stated, she isn't a christian and holding her up as a comparison to your future wife will only do damage.

If it's a no go then hanging on to it will just cause more pain. The more you put in to it, the more you'll lose. The quicker you end it all, the faster the whole thing will heal.

[Joel, the Son of Pethuel]

I know that you're in a tough position. Emotions do an excellent job of clouding our judgement. I made the horrible mistake of marrying a woman that I had absolutely no business marrying (and by marrying, I mean going before a JOP and getting a document saying we can have legal sex). I realize completely how it feels to be infatuated with a woman that I will never be with, and really should never be with.

But as difficult as it may be, please, for the sake of your life, PLEASE, listen to our advice. If you can't marry a woman for EXACTLY who she is RIGHT HERE and RIGHT NOW, then you really have no business even attempting to get romantically involved with her in any way, shape or form. It will only bring destruction and devestation into your life and into hers. At best, you may be able to develop a good friendship. But until she is a christian (and for herself, and not to make you happy), then it can never work.

I don't want you to have to go through the types of things that I went through (the circumstances weren't exactly the same, but I, being the more rational one, acted completely irrationally, and suffered for it). It's often difficult to do the right thing. It's often painful. Our flesh wants to do things that gratify it. Waiting is rarely fun. But when we wait, and are rewarded with the good things that God had in store for us, the gratification is much more complete than the cheap counterfeit that the flesh tries to provide.

Please spare yourself the devestation. Please spare yourself the heartache. Please spare yourself the ulcers. Please spare yourself the split family. Please spare yourself the child support payments. Please spare yourself the broken relationships with your children. PLEASE wait for a christian woman whom you can marry for exactly who she is.

Understand that I am not trying to preach to you. I am only begging you to learn from others' mistakes and sew good seed for your life, and reap the corresonding good fruit.

[yesult]

(I generally dislike mannaring people as I don't like the system - but Joel, consider yourself mannared.)

Great post, thanks for sharing.

[tennman]

Huscarl,

My advice to you would be that you include talk of God into your conversations with her. But not the "Lord and Savior" talk when you start. Start by talking about something fascinating about the universe maybe and then sneak in a "God is amazing." Or maybe you say, "So God made _______ to do _______." Stay logical and matter-of-fact. I don't know how familiar you are with apologetics, but there's a lot of stuff out there that brainy, logical people can take hold of.

Start slowly. As I've taught my kids the alphabet, we started with "A, B, C" rather than explaining that "S" came after "R". I've found that "testifying" rarely works on people who have absolutely no upbringing around Christianity. She'll think that you're overly emotional and illogical. You've got to start where she is and slowly move forward. You can't start at the letter "W" when she doesn't even know what "A" is.

Now as far as the relationship, all we know is that the door is closed for now. Things can change. Enjoy your life here and now. Date people, who knows, you may find equal or greater feelings for another girl. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. The journey is long. Don't rush it or you'll ruin all your chances

[Huscarl]

Thankyou for the sound advice, it's comforting to hear from those who have been in similar situations.  I know the advice is sound, I've prayed about this a lot and I know what I should do, but it doesn't make it any easier 

I won't cut off the friendship, I don't think it would be right for her to lose touch with the only Christian she knows, my role in her life may be to start her down the path to God.  I wish I could help her in other ways on that path, but a romantic relationship would only damage us both.  I've also prayed that whoever she does marry is a good man and treats her well, seeing her happy is what matters

I'm just so tired of waiting for a Christian girl.  Girls either look at me as the friend, or end things when I won't have sex with them right away. 

The key to her beauty is her innocence...I just hope I find a girl half as interesting who I can be with.

And if she happens lives in the same hemisphere that would be a bonus  

Thanks everyone, really.

[Joel, the Son of Pethuel]

Girls ... look at me as the friend

Oh, I've been there with more than a few girls. It always used to frustrate me that girls always seemed to like the "bad boys"; someone that they could "tame" (not EVERY girl, but the ones that I was interested in), leaving guys like me in the dust as "just friends". After a while, girls get sick of the "bad boys" and want someone who won't treat them like dirt. Then the problem arises that the girls can't find a good guy because the "nice guys" turned into jerks because they were tired of being rejected. So remain the "nice guy", and the girls will start coming to their senses. If you become a "bad boy" in the mean time, you'll lose your shot at the good ones.

A few years of patience will pay huge dividends in the long run.

And ladies, I don't mean to generalize. I know that not every young lady wants a jerk to treat her like dirt.