Feeling duped into marrying Hubby. Help?

[mellomars]

  I could really get carried away describing in minute detail all of the reasons I DO love & AM grateful for my husband, Daniel, but I'll have to make this as quick as I can by just saying that he is amazingly close to an ideal husband... except for something that could be easily remedied that he's allowing to destroy our marriage.

  Little Bit of History: During the years we dated, were a couple, & were engaged, Daniel was incredibly well-mannered, clean, organized, & neatly groomed -- so much so that his buddies often accused him of being "metro-sexual" (disagreeing, I deemed him more of a "Renaissance man"). Around the time we married, however, he began to be a complete & utter slob in just about every facet of his life.
  Okay, so I'm aware that long before I met my husband -- when he was in his teens/very early 20's (he's currently 33) -- he was a typical punk skater-kid, for which cause some would say "come now -- old habits die hard." I argue that, if in the years BEFORE we married, Daniel DIDN'T shoot his, er, "nose goblins" like missiles into houseplants, didn't interrupt me mid-sentence to cough up loogies at a ridiculously exaggerated level of force & volume, didn't mindlessly gobble up, say, an entire pizza before I could even get to my second slice, & didn't seem proud of how he can rattle the walls with his sudden "losses of hind-cabin pressure," then those things obviously were NOT "habits."
  Honestly, I've always had a gross & even morbid sense of humor but these behaviors were only entertaining the 1st few occurrences. I'm patiently learning to tolerate them but there's something absolutely coming between us & ruining our marriage: A wall of stench & unkempt facial hair.
 
  Daniel used to shower once to twice a day. For about 2 years now it's been once a WEEK -- & he's a meter-reader that walks 30+ miles a day in crazy Texas weather!!! What makes this worse is that he rarely ever shaves &, therefore, keeps growing out a stinky beard that he refuses to groom. I actually like beards but not nappy ones & Daniel looks so much like an Afghan cave-dweller that local Muslims literally gravitate towards him whilst the majority of strangers eye him with unbridled suspicion.
  Well, big surprise -- I'm NOT intimate with him & I instinctively recoil when he attempts to kiss or hug me. This "hurts his feelings." I've repeatedly expressed to him as gently but firmly as I can that HE is hurting MY feelings & that he smells like a stomach-turning marriage of wet dog, knock-you-down Parmesan cheese, & stale cologne (I'm NOT exaggerating, unfortunately). He claims he hardly smells anything & he'd rather pout than simply get in the shower.
  What bothers me far worse than the pouting, however, is how he seems convinced that his good looks, outgoing & happy-go-lucky personality & zealousness for the Lord are enough to get him by & that it's almost "boyishly cute" that he so adamantly refuses to bathe -- after I've informed him that I am NOT the only one totally grossed out (some people have made comments to me) & I take his lack of consideration so personally that I feel unloved.
  I've asked him why he presents his worst to me (& befouls the house & furnishings we share) if he supposedly values me as his wife & I've further inquired as to why he would be so insulting as to even expect me to desire physical intimacy with him in such a state... and why he wants to tempt me to not only feel embarrassed but even bitter. He just "doesn't think it's that bad" & that I "should understand" that he's "sometimes" too tired from the kind of work he does to take a shower.
  First of all, I regularly praise him for his hard work. Second of all, he's not "too tired" for other, less mundane activities. Thirdly, if his career truly hinders him from taking care of himself on such a basic level, he should find something else to do (so I'm a "non-supportive wife"). Fourthly, it IS "that bad" & I would never dream of letting myself go to the shameful extent he has -- not just for my own sake but his.
   
  Anyway, we ARE excellent communicators & cooperate in most OTHER areas of our lives, so I would hope that this problem can be remedied without the intervention of a marriage counselor... But it is bad, because although Daniel is an incredibly fruitful & virtuous Christian man, it's becoming a temptation for me to believe he deliberately charmed me into marrying him &, now that he has me, he's stripped off the Prince Charming facade to reveal the boorish ogre underneath. I'm weary & just need some sound advice -- even creative ideas. Anybody read this far who is willing to offer some wisdom?

[Charles Sloan]

I don't know, but the hygiene issues and denial seems like depression. But you mentioned he is out going and has a sunny personality, which could be a front, but makes depression seem unlikely. I think there are some personal and maybe emotional issues that he maybe dealing with.

[son of God]

I don't know, but the hygiene issues and denial seems like depression. But you mentioned he is out going and has a sunny personality, which could be a front, but makes depression seem unlikely. I think there are some personal and maybe emotional issues that he maybe dealing with.

He does these things on purpose.  Even if you ask him, why, I'd be higly surprised if he told you.

[FoC]

What bothers me far worse than the pouting, however, is how he seems convinced that his good looks, outgoing & happy-go-lucky personality & zealousness for the Lord are enough to get him by & that it's almost "boyishly cute" that he so adamantly refuses to bathe -- after I've informed him that I am NOT the only one totally grossed out (some people have made comments to me) & I take his lack of consideration so personally that I feel unloved.

I bathe every day if possible, sometimes twice and my wife still makes me clean up before we spend time together unless I just got out of the shower.
Its not 'cute' when a grown, hairy man refuses to bathe and smells.

Tell him that other men and husbands are telling him that he needs to grow up and get in that shower and stop pouting like a child.
Sweat and BO from a days work stinks and he needs to bathe or not expect you to want to be romantic with him.
Whats sad is that you seem like you are entirely willing to be with him if he'd just behave properly....ie this seems to be on him alone.

Sometimes men just need to be told to grow up and BE men.

.

[Mac]

Sometimes men just need to be told to grow up and BE men.

Yep. And stop being selfish.

You are not asking for anything "outlandish"... I would not deviate from what you are doing. Until he learns to respect you and your home, do not give in to his ideas of what life should be...

[Bon Voyage]

Anyone notice the similarity between the "my wife has gained 40 pounds" thread and this one?  But the response seems to be different.

[walker starr]

   Bocephus there 's a difference between being fat and being filthy.

[Bon Voyage]

  Bocephus there 's a difference between being fat and being filthy.

Like what?  Not taking care of yourself?  My gut didn't just happen.  It is from laziness.

[lightshineon]

 Sorry, but your post was funny. I am going to ask something maybe kind of out there, but, is there any chance of a drug or alcohol problem?

[dallasapple]

« Reply #76 on: Today at 08:51:15 AM »     

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Write him a sexy letter descibing in detail all the things you want to do to him after he takes a shower and shaves.

As far as the blowing his nose in the plants? That one I think I would just break down and start crying TBH.

The hocking up loogies while your trying to talk to him I would just walk off.

With the pizza? Put 2 or 3 pieces on your plate when it gets there.Instead of one at a time.

With the passing gas..Hmm..maybe if you can bring your self to it you should just go ahead and let em rip right in front of him and see how cute he thinks it is coming from you.

But in general as others have said he must have something going on in his head that he cant see or wont see that these things would offend most people male and female.And its very immature behavior.And the fact that its easily remedied but yet he would rather argue with you that it shouldnt bother you is being stubborn.

Love

Dallas

P.S you are a talented writer by the way.All be it you're distressed you managed to bring it forward in a humorous and entertaining way.Good luck to you.

[walker starr]

   Back in the military when a man wouldn't bath a bunch of his acquaintances got together and gave
   him what was called a G I Bath.  One such bath was usually enough to last a life time.  I suggest
   you enlist friends and relatives and give it a try.  I'd almost guaranty it'll work.

[tennman]

Anyone notice the similarity between the "my wife has gained 40 pounds" thread and this one?  But the response seems to be different.

You beat me to it! I remember a man here being told how shallow and terrible he was because he wasn't physically attracted to his overweight wife. He was told that he should be and her physical aspects shouldn't affect that. But this situation is different?

Hmmm. If I eat poorly and don't exercise, I'll gain weight. That's not taking care of myself. Just like any other physical thing that we can improve but "let go" or refuse to do anything about. I think that mellomars and the man who wanted his wife to lose weight want to see some sort of effort. And I think it's shallow to tell someone that they SHOULD be physically attracted to someone who refuses to do physical upkeep.

[dallasapple]

Anyone notice the similarity between the "my wife has gained 40 pounds" thread and this one?  But the response seems to be different.

You beat me to it! I remember a man here being told how shallow and terrible he was because he wasn't physically attracted to his overweight wife. He was told that he should be and her physical aspects shouldn't affect that. But this situation is different?

Hmmm. If I eat poorly and don't exercise, I'll gain weight. That's not taking care of myself. Just like any other physical thing that we can improve but "let go" or refuse to do anything about. I think that mellomars and the man who wanted his wife to lose weight want to see some sort of effort. And I think it's shallow to tell someone that they SHOULD be physically attracted to someone who refuses to do physical upkeep.

I wasnt one of the ones on that thread personally who though it was "shallow" to not be attracted to a spouse who gained a lot of weight.

But I will say maintaining your weigth to be exactly what it is for the rest of your life when you got married at 20 is a little more challenging and takes a lot more effort than refraining from blowing your nose into a plant and farting whenever you feel like it and taking a bath(or shower) more than once a week or hocking up loogies while someone is talkign to you.

A lot of people gain some weight over the years .And its mostly our fault.And there is usually shame and emarrassment involved.

But thinking its "cute" to smell like a garbage can and blow your nose across the room and fart in front of people and let your hair grow wherever it grows is a little different.

I dont compare them.(well I do but on a different level)

Love

Dallas

[dallasapple]

Lets just put it this way..

If I meet you and you are 40lbs over weight Im not "disgusted" or "offended " by you.(me being a stranger)

If I meet you and you have a perfect body (in great shape) but you are blowing farts at your lesiure and blowing your nose  across the room and you havent showered to the point I can smell your reak and while Im talking to you ..you are loudly hocking up loogies I would be disgusted by you.

I would think you were rude and intrusive and I would want to get away from you.No matter how great of shape you were in.

I wouldnt feel the same way about a person who was 40lbs overweight who had a clean body and basic manners.

Love

Dallas

[yesult]

I would also like to add that in the case where the woman was overweight, it was a rejection of her through slander and put downs. It wasn't just (in fact if I remember rightly 'even') a case of not being physically attracted to her, it was abuse at her weight gain.

Totally different.


And as for the OP. It sounds like he's either behaving like a selfish brat or is seriously depressed like already mentioned. (If it was as easy to lose weight as it was to take a shower I don't think you'd find an overweight person anywhere.)

Why don't you try and see if it is depression? If that's the case then he'll need support and encouragement (and maybe counselling etc) but if it's just deliberate apathy then you might be wise to start issuing some ultimatiums. (Like no dinner till shower etc.)

[Bon Voyage]

Let's just not be "shallow" about weight gain or any other form of negative personal appearance.  Let's just love who we married regardless of how they look after we say "I do."

[dallasapple]

This isnt just about personal "appearence"..Its also involving offensive odors and lude and crude behavior.

Being offended at someone blowing their nose across the room is not shallow.I dont know many people that wouldnt have an issue with that .I had a boss that used to stand over a trash can and blow his nose into it including using his hand to grab the mucous and sling it into it...When I saw him do that I litterally almost trew up.That was almost 20 years ago and I will never forget it.

If I did that in a public place I'm sure I would be asked to leave.I would not be asked to leave on the other hand if I was in pulbic 40lbs over weight.

I also worked with a guy that smelled so bad that after a few hours the whole office in every room had a stench to it.It was unbearable and it was insulting because the solution was simple and would have taken little effort.Take a shower ,wear deodorant , wipe your rear end after using the bathroom brush your teeth,dont wear the same clothes including to sleep in for weeks on end.

Love

Dallas

[dallasapple]

QUOTE:(If it was as easy to lose weight as it was to take a shower I don't think you'd find an overweight person anywhere.)
END QUOTE:

Thats the point.A shower and slapping on some deodorant takes about 5-7 minutes and your done.Even every other day would be a great improvement I imagine over once a week.

Thats whats so insulting about it is that its a simple and uncomplicated solution unlike losing weight or maintaining your weight over many years.Especially considering our changing metabolisms and even things such as medication that cause weight gain.

The other stuff he is doing is just crude and inconsiderate behavior that he can simply stop doing.Another simple solution.

Love

Dallas

[dallasapple]

Also I would like to do a little armchair pshychology.LOL!!

You mentioned he was a scater kid in his youth.(20's) when you are pretty sure he didnt have a care in the world about such silly mundane things as taking a shower.

Now he is 33 and spends his days reading meters?

Could be he is bored and looking back to more care free days and reverting back to more fun times when life was less complicated.

Maybe its one of those " I want to be young again" things going on.

Love

Dallas

[Bon Voyage]

This isnt just about personal "appearence"..Its also involving offensive odors and lude and crude behavior.

Being offended at someone blowing their nose across the room is not shallow.I dont know many people that wouldnt have an issue with that .I had a boss that used to stand over a trash can and blow his nose into it including using his hand to grab the mucous and sling it into it...When I saw him do that I litterally almost trew up.That was almost 20 years ago and I will never forget it.

If I did that in a public place I'm sure I would be asked to leave.I would not be asked to leave on the other hand if I was in pulbic 40lbs over weight.

I also worked with a guy that smelled so bad that after a few hours the whole office in every room had a stench to it.It was unbearable and it was insulting because the solution was simple and would have taken little effort.Take a shower ,wear deodorant , wipe your rear end after using the bathroom brush your teeth,dont wear the same clothes including to sleep in for weeks on end.

Love

Dallas

I believe that being offended at that stuff is "shallow."  Whether other folks do anything about it or not does not change that it is "shallow."  Can't we all just get along?

[lightshineon]

Let's just not be "shallow" about weight gain or any other form of negative personal appearance.  Let's just love who we married regardless of how they look after we say "I do."

Well since we know you have a six pack Bo, I double dog dare you not to practice hygiene for a week , no shower, shave, or teeth brushing. I bet you wife kicks you out of the bed. Not only is it offense for the wife, but others who see and smell this man. My husband is ripe, if he Misses a shower. When he came in from the field, after three weeks, I would stand back, make him drop BDU's ( mind you I was at least one hundred feet away, with my nose held, run in start his shower, run out. My goodness he would get stinky jock rot out there ( gag) you know this man has jock rot smell. Men stink, really stink if they do not bathe.

[Bon Voyage]

Let's just not be "shallow" about weight gain or any other form of negative personal appearance.  Let's just love who we married regardless of how they look after we say "I do."

Well since we know you have a six pack Bo, I double dog dare you not to practice hygiene for a week , no shower, shave, or teeth brushing. I bet you wife kicks you out of the bed. Not only is it offense for the wife, but others who see and smell this man. My husband is ripe, if he Misses a shower. When he came in from the field, after three weeks, I would stand back, make him drop BDU's ( mind you I was at least one hundred feet away, with my nose held, run in start his shower, run out. My goodness he would get stinky jock rot out there ( gag) you know this man has jock rot smell. Men stink, really stink if they do not bathe.

My stomach is so fit, I have a keg.  My wife will get kicked out first.  That bed is mine.

[lightshineon]

Let's just not be "shallow" about weight gain or any other form of negative personal appearance.  Let's just love who we married regardless of how they look after we say "I do."

Well since we know you have a six pack Bo, I double dog dare you not to practice hygiene for a week , no shower, shave, or teeth brushing. I bet you wife kicks you out of the bed. Not only is it offense for the wife, but others who see and smell this man. My husband is ripe, if he Misses a shower. When he came in from the field, after three weeks, I would stand back, make him drop BDU's ( mind you I was at least one hundred feet away, with my nose held, run in start his shower, run out. My goodness he would get stinky jock rot out there ( gag) you know this man has jock rot smell. Men stink, really stink if they do not bathe.

My stomach is so fit, I have a keg.  My wife will get kicked out first.  That bed is mine.

I bet, LOL, your stinky behind would be on the couch.

[Bon Voyage]

Let's just not be "shallow" about weight gain or any other form of negative personal appearance.  Let's just love who we married regardless of how they look after we say "I do."

Well since we know you have a six pack Bo, I double dog dare you not to practice hygiene for a week , no shower, shave, or teeth brushing. I bet you wife kicks you out of the bed. Not only is it offense for the wife, but others who see and smell this man. My husband is ripe, if he Misses a shower. When he came in from the field, after three weeks, I would stand back, make him drop BDU's ( mind you I was at least one hundred feet away, with my nose held, run in start his shower, run out. My goodness he would get stinky jock rot out there ( gag) you know this man has jock rot smell. Men stink, really stink if they do not bathe.

My stomach is so fit, I have a keg.  My wife will get kicked out first.  That bed is mine.

I bet, LOL, your stinky behind would be on the couch.

Nope.  I done wear the pants in my family.

[lightshineon]

Let's just not be "shallow" about weight gain or any other form of negative personal appearance.  Let's just love who we married regardless of how they look after we say "I do."

Yeah right, not when you drop those drawers, and you reek like something dead. She may not even allow you on the couch.
Well since we know you have a six pack Bo, I double dog dare you not to practice hygiene for a week , no shower, shave, or teeth brushing. I bet you wife kicks you out of the bed. Not only is it offense for the wife, but others who see and smell this man. My husband is ripe, if he Misses a shower. When he came in from the field, after three weeks, I would stand back, make him drop BDU's ( mind you I was at least one hundred feet away, with my nose held, run in start his shower, run out. My goodness he would get stinky jock rot out there ( gag) you know this man has jock rot smell. Men stink, really stink if they do not bathe.

My stomach is so fit, I have a keg.  My wife will get kicked out first.  That bed is mine.

I bet, LOL, your stinky behind would be on the couch.

Nope.  I done wear the pants in my family.

[dallasapple]

This isnt just about personal "appearence"..Its also involving offensive odors and lude and crude behavior.

Being offended at someone blowing their nose across the room is not shallow.I dont know many people that wouldnt have an issue with that .I had a boss that used to stand over a trash can and blow his nose into it including using his hand to grab the mucous and sling it into it...When I saw him do that I litterally almost trew up.That was almost 20 years ago and I will never forget it.

If I did that in a public place I'm sure I would be asked to leave.I would not be asked to leave on the other hand if I was in pulbic 40lbs over weight.

I also worked with a guy that smelled so bad that after a few hours the whole office in every room had a stench to it.It was unbearable and it was insulting because the solution was simple and would have taken little effort.Take a shower ,wear deodorant , wipe your rear end after using the bathroom brush your teeth,dont wear the same clothes including to sleep in for weeks on end.

Love

Dallas

I believe that being offended at that stuff is "shallow."  Whether other folks do anything about it or not does not change that it is "shallow."  Can't we all just get along?

It has nothing to do with "getting along".It has to do with rancid odors making us gag.Its no more shallow to get offended by a persons body odor from filth than it is for us to be offended by the odor of a hot steaming pile of dog feces.Or any other bad odor.

Love

Dallas

[lightshineon]

 Men, really stink, without a bath. I know their are stinky females, but, gag men. I cannot imagine her wanting to be intimate with a rancid man. I would hold out to until he washed his nasty behind. I would not even sleep in the same bed with him.

[dallasapple]

Men, really stink, without a bath. I know their are stinky females, but, gag men. I cannot imagine her wanting to be intimate with a rancid man. I would hold out to until he washed his nasty behind. I would not even sleep in the same bed with him.

Right its not even about "personal prefernce"..If it stinks it stinks ..remember your thread about the bleach?

No one even had to mention they cant stand the smell of a person who doesnt bathe..or "bad breath" or someone passing gas.I think thats "assumed".

And its obvious that it would be a huge turn of ..a major distraction to have to rub around naked with someone who smells like that.

Besides would you want to be intimate with your husband while he is gagging over how bad you stink? I would personally be humiliated.

Love

Dallas

[mellomars]

  Alright, well I was finally able to review all of your responses without interruption from my 3 yr old son & I've been laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes! Why is reading about body funk, farts, & snot-rockets so amusing to me when I'm bombarded by them on a daily basis? I dunno. One of life's mysteries, I suppose.

  Well, just to let you all know, Daniel doesn't abuse drugs or alcohol & he isn't depressed. I suspect that, like most of you suggested in so many words, he's reverting back to the immaturity & laziness of his youth. Some may disagree, but I feel that no matter what the cause is, there must be something spiritually wrong with him & I think our Lord wants me to climb outside of myself --outside of how hurt & offended I am-- so that I'll see my husband as one who actually needs to be ministered to & prayed for.
 
  I mean, Christ's love not only compels us to inwardly consider one another but to be faithful in even the "smallest of things" & act in ways that sacrifice our self-interests. As "sunny" a person Daniel is, his stubbornness, laziness, & denial are in defiance of that love... so something must be going on. I just believe, now, that all of this time I should have been more concerned with my husband's spiritual state than the way his physical state makes me feel about our marriage. It's strange how such a "small offense" produces such a big battle!

  Anyway, I'll keep you all posted (when I can!) & I really, really do thank all of you for taking the time to offer your thoughts & suggestions. God bless!

[walker starr]

   False pretenses are grounds for annullment.  If a man faked being a clean upright citizen and then let his true
   slob features show and stink that would be false pretnses and probably sufficient grounds.

[dallasapple]

  Alright, well I was finally able to review all of your responses without interruption from my 3 yr old son & I've been laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes! Why is reading about body funk, farts, & snot-rockets so amusing to me when I'm bombarded by them on a daily basis? I dunno. One of life's mysteries, I suppose.

  Well, just to let you all know, Daniel doesn't abuse drugs or alcohol & he isn't depressed. I suspect that, like most of you suggested in so many words, he's reverting back to the immaturity & laziness of his youth. Some may disagree, but I feel that no matter what the cause is, there must be something spiritually wrong with him & I think our Lord wants me to climb outside of myself --outside of how hurt & offended I am-- so that I'll see my husband as one who actually needs to be ministered to & prayed for.
 
  I mean, Christ's love not only compels us to inwardly consider one another but to be faithful in even the "smallest of things" & act in ways that sacrifice our self-interests. As "sunny" a person Daniel is, his stubbornness, laziness, & denial are in defiance of that love... so something must be going on. I just believe, now, that all of this time I should have been more concerned with my husband's spiritual state than the way his physical state makes me feel about our marriage. It's strange how such a "small offense" produces such a big battle!

  Anyway, I'll keep you all posted (when I can!) & I really, really do thank all of you for taking the time to offer your thoughts & suggestions. God bless!

LOL!!! Your awesome!!!

And a sweet girl..your husband is blessed you have such a great sense of humor..

Keep us posted please..!!!!

Love

Dallas

[Bon Voyage]

   False pretenses are grounds for annullment.  If a man faked being a clean upright citizen and then let his true
   slob features show and stink that would be false pretnses and probably sufficient grounds.

A man will always be a man, especially after the marriage is started and the dating has ended.

[dallasapple]

   False pretenses are grounds for annullment.  If a man faked being a clean upright citizen and then let his true
   slob features show and stink that would be false pretnses and probably sufficient grounds.

A man will always be a man, especially after the marriage is started and the dating has ended.

Being a man doesnt include not taking shower and acting like a glutton.

Love

Dallas

[Bon Voyage]

   False pretenses are grounds for annullment.  If a man faked being a clean upright citizen and then let his true
   slob features show and stink that would be false pretnses and probably sufficient grounds.

A man will always be a man, especially after the marriage is started and the dating has ended.

Being a man doesnt include not taking shower and acting like a glutton.

Love

Dallas

Since I am a man, I know what being a man is about.  Besides, I have a dream.  A dream where people are not judged by their burping, farting, or fattiness, but by their character.

[dallasapple]

   False pretenses are grounds for annullment.  If a man faked being a clean upright citizen and then let his true
   slob features show and stink that would be false pretnses and probably sufficient grounds.

A man will always be a man, especially after the marriage is started and the dating has ended.

Being a man doesnt include not taking shower and acting like a glutton.

Love

Dallas

Since I am a man, I know what being a man is about.  Besides, I have a dream.  A dream where people are not judged by their burping, farting, or fattiness, but by their character.

Since I am a human I know what beign a human is about ..as a human I also burp and fart and I will also smell putrid if I dont take a shower.I also have a nose with sinuses that create mucous.I dont think intentionally burping and farting and blowing my nose into the open air like its a blow hole and never showering to the point someones eyes will water and they get nauseated and gag at my habits and odor is me trying to live a dream of "gettign along" with others..Its disgusting and it stinks.In fact is hazordous to my health and others if I never bathe and expect them to rub bodies with me.Its also extemely rude to blow mucous purpously intto the open air as it contains bacteria and if you are sick spreads your disease more readily to others.

Its basic hygeine and healthcare.And if deliberatley neglected sure you can be "accepted" for your character but at a distance because you obviously dont give a crap about me if you think its "fair" to blow your nose acorss the room Im sitting in and expect me to smell your stench that coudl be avoided.

Love

Dallas