Unfaithful?

[His_will_i_am]

Can one be unfaithful in a marriage without having sex with another person?

[parrotforlife]

in the eyes of god or the eyes of human? I would say yes . The bible says if you lusted after a woman/man then you have commited adultry in your heart.
linda

[chosenone]

Yes I would definately say so. A spouse can do many things that are wrong with another person that stop short of sex.

[walker starr]

   All three of my wives have said it was alright to look as long as I didn't touch.  One even used to call my
attention to cute girls so that I'd not miss any thing.LOL it was an insider joke between us.

[His_will_i_am]

I was asking concerning being unfaithful in areas outside of the sexual realm. For instance, where one spouse may lie about their spouse.

I've seen incidents of ministers having marriage problems and the ministers spouse seems to go on a spree of gossip and lying in order to turn public opinion against their spouse. I find myself in similiar situation and seek counsel in hopes of confirmation or even correction as to how I'm handling things.

Thanks and blessings to you.

[chosenone]

  All three of my wives have said it was alright to look as long as I didn't touch.  One even used to call my
attention to cute girls so that I'd not miss any thing.LOL it was an insider joke between us.

  Hmmm why on earth did she do that?
I dont think God says its OK to look as long as we dont touch does he?Quite the opposite I think.After all, that would make looking at porn OK.

[chosenone]

I was asking concerning being unfaithful in areas outside of the sexual realm. For instance, where one spouse may lie about their spouse.

I've seen incidents of ministers having marriage problems and the ministers spouse seems to go on a spree of gossip and lying in order to turn public opinion against their spouse. I find myself in similar situation and seek counsel in hopes of confirmation or even correction as to how I'm handling things.

Thanks and blessings to you.

Yes well my husbands ex did twist many things when their marriage was in trouble in order to get people on her side while my husband never did that(she even does that to their two adult sons). He had plenty of reason to do so but He said that God is his vindicator,and he never spoke a bad word about her to anyone, because he is a godly and moral man.

I think many did believe all that she said, and this did mean that many saw her as the victim, but I think that 5 yeas later some have realised that all wasn't as she said (to say the least)
He now has a very happy marriage to me while she broke up with her lover shortly after she divorced him.She is now alone over 4years later, (and she has stopped even going to church), so God is blessing him and vindicating him.    

In this situation I would see the church leader(s) and explain what is happening but apart from that I would pray and trust God to be your protector and vindicator. If you can maybe leave the church(unless you are the pastor.) It is very hard to sit back while a spouse is lying and twisting everything, but close friends of yours will surely know the truth and hopefully they can stand by you and help you through this time.

I wouldn't say it is unfaithfulness but it is definitely horrible and cruel of her to do this.She does need to be confronted by someone in a position of authority and told that she must stop.It is very ungodly and nasty.

[His_will_i_am]

He had plenty of reason to do so but He said that God is his vindicator,and he never spoke a bad word about her to anyone, because he is a godly and moral man.

Did he ever share what he was experiencing with anyone? I'm not talking about bad mouthing her, but simply explaining what was happening, how she was acting, etc....? Did he just keep everything bottled up? I make it a point not to say anything cruel to her or about her, but there are certain things that are just wrong no matter how one tries to soften them. For instance calling the police for petty reasons.

If you can maybe leave the church(unless you are the pastor.)

I am in leadership in our fellowship and I generally don't say anything when it comes ot her badmouthing me whenever she is mad. I feel that if people aren't willing to hear bothsides out then their opinion isn't worth much to me. Plus it really seems that she has her friends and I have mine. Not because I want it that way but because she does.

I wouldn't say it is unfaithfulness but it is definitely horrible and cruel of her to do this.She does need to be confronted by someone in a position of authority and told that she must stop.It is very ungodly and nasty.

I've attempted to get impartial counsel from a local pastor and his wife. They said the same things which I said, (I have years of counseling experience myself) and she wouldn't listen to them either. This was before we had a child. Now that we have a child she uses our son as a tool, too. I have to ask to do typical daddy things, like taking him for walks, giving him a bath, etc... It's making me want to distance myself from him just to keep her appeased, but I know that this isn't healthy in the long run. It really is a situation.

Right now, all I can see doing is simply to endure. There's really no one in our lives who we both mutually respect who will be unbiased. So I'm trusting that our Lord will correct us where we need correcting and that we will recognize it and accept it when He makes things known.

[chosenone]

My husband spent 23 years trying to keep his wife appeased and it made for a disastrous marriage. Like your wife sounds, she was controlliing and manipulative and the only way to keep her happy was to let her have her own way which is totally wrong. Trouble is that his mum was the same and his dad couldnt handle is either so he never learnt how to stand up to her. if he tried she got mad. He said it was like banging your head against a brick wall . When their marriage ended he said it was like coming out of prison.
If she wont listen to pastors and counsellors then I am not sure what you can do but appeasing her all the time isnt right.People like that will never admit to be in the wrong and blame everything on the other person which dosnt help.

I do think you need to have one or two people to talk to about this,maybe get some advise, and to vent.
My husband didnt really do this, as all their friends seemed to lsiten to her and he isnt the type to tell everyone all of their problems like she did. He kept things to himself but I wish he had been able to share with another person.
It was only when he met me, that he really was able to share and I couldnt believe the appalling way she had treated him. The trouble is that when you have been told for many years that EVERYTHING is your fault you start to be believe it,and he blamed himself for all the failures (he doesn't now as he can see what was going on).

[His_will_i_am]

Thank you chosenone. I feel much better. I'm like your husband in a sense that I don't tell people too much of what's going on with me in this kind of situation. I don't want to poison people against my wife. I only share the basics with my family because they already have a poor view of her and I don't want them to be further alienated. But at the same time I'm kind of forced to share a bit because my parents are my parents and I can't stand lying to them or anyone else. Plus my dad is born again and I respect him in the Lord, as well. Thanks for your counsel. Blessings to you.

[dallasapple]

I personally believe that lying about your spouse in your personal relationship is unfaithfulnes.

Its slanderous.If you slander your own spouse that certatinly doesn't qualify as being faithful to me.

Having said that you can not expect that if you are abusing your spouse in any way they are supposed to keep that private..At leat to an extent anyway.

Love

Dallas

[dallasapple]

QUOTE :I've seen incidents of ministers having marriage problems and the ministers spouse seems to go on a spree of gossip and lying in order to turn public opinion against their spouse. END QUOTE

How do you know they were lying is the problem?

Love

Dallas

[Bon Voyage]

   All three of my wives have said it was alright to look as long as I didn't touch.  One even used to call my
attention to cute girls so that I'd not miss any thing.LOL it was an insider joke between us.

   Hmmm why on earth did she do that?
I dont think God says its OK to look as long as we dont touch does he?Quite the opposite I think.After all, that would make looking at porn OK.

Looking and lusting aren't the same thing.

[son of God]

Liing is sin.  We cannot sin that good increases!

But why does one look?

And this has been gone around many times already on threads here.  But not all have read them, either, as some come and go all the time.

Welcome to the board.  And welcome to the bored!  Or so it seems by some of the threads.   LOL

[chosenone]

  All three of my wives have said it was alright to look as long as I didn't touch.  One even used to call my
attention to cute girls so that I'd not miss any thing.LOL it was an insider joke between us.

  Hmmm why on earth did she do that?
I dont think God says its OK to look as long as we dont touch does he?Quite the opposite I think.After all, that would make looking at porn OK.

Looking and lusting aren't the same thing.

 Depends what you mean by looking. If his wife was actually encouraging him to notice and look at pretty women , then that cant be right.  
If a man I was with encouraged me to look at good looking guys, I would think that was bizarre behaviour and I would be seriously concerned at his standards and why he thought it was a good thing to do this..

[chosenone]

Thank you chosenone. I feel much better. I'm like your husband in a sense that I don't tell people too much of what's going on with me in this kind of situation. I don't want to poison people against my wife. I only share the basics with my family because they already have a poor view of her and I don't want them to be further alienated. But at the same time I'm kind of forced to share a bit because my parents are my parents and I can't stand lying to them or anyone else. Plus my dad is born again and I respect him in the Lord, as well. Thanks for your counsel. Blessings to you.

Is there a man or a couple of men who you are close to that you could go to when you feel the need to talk? Maybe men not in the family?I do think you need someone to talk to and pray with you about this. Its is something that wont go away over night sadly. Its great that you are not stooping to her level and that would be wrong, no matter how tempting that maybe.  (and how justified you may be in doing that).
However God will vindicate you for your good moral behaviour and integrity and godliness in this. Its sad that spouses will do this to their husbands/wives.It also sounds as if she is wanting to control your sons life and this is also so wrong.My step sons are now 23 and 26, still living with their mum and she still controls them, its so sad. They also show some of her controlling behaviour which they have learnt from her.I keep praying that they will cut the apron strings and be independent but she wants them to stay with her it seems.Try to make sure you are able to do what you want with your son, he needs his dad.

I do think that maybe your pastor needs to confront her on this at some point.She cant be allowed to continually get away with lies and bad behaviour. She may well not listen, but it should be done none the less. Maybe you could both go and see him together and talk it through?

Even now my husband will never say anything negative about his ex to his 2 boys even though she does say negative things to them about him. She will reap what she has sown.
I am sure that speaking to your dad is OK if you trust him and if he wont take it out on her at all.If he is the only one who you can talk to then, you carry on.
God Bless.

[chosenone]

Also you mentioned that she is calling the police for petty reasons. What did you mean by that?Why is she calling the police?