May September romances....cougaring or dirty old men

[JohnDB]

Anyone know anything about them?

difficulties...proclivities...advantages?


What to do with his parents?
what to do with her parents?


are they all that common these days?

[walker starr]

   Dirty old senior citizens need love.  It matters nothwhether the seniors are male or female tjeir needs don't
   disapear just becausee they age.

[chosenone]

My dad married a lady 25 years younger then him. He died 12 years ago and she was left a widow in her 40's with a 4 year old son. That is a BIG disadvantage. Also it means that I had a step mum only 4 years older than me and a brother who is 37 years youger then me.Bizarre.
Personally I woudnt go there,I am only interested in men a similar age to me.
I do wonder if women wanting much older men are looking for a father figure??? Maybe their relationship with their dad wasnt good?. My step mothers dad died when she was 11, so it was definatly a possibility in her case.  
Also there is a possibility that a person interested in a much older person is a gold digger? After all, older people usually have more money property etc.
I am sure there are good marriages/relationships where a very large age gap works but of course they are from a different generation, they are with someone a similar age to their own children or their own parents and the older one will usually die much much sooner . The older will be an old person when the younger will still be only middle aged and active and wanting to do things and go places,and this may cause resentment and regret.(as I have read on more than once on this forum).

Must admit at my age (54) I wouldnt want to be married to man in his 70's. if I was 70 as well , I am sure I would be quite happy about it.

[JohnDB]

   Dirty old senior citizens need love.  It matters nothwhether the seniors are male or female tjeir needs don't
   disapear just becausee they age.

IT isn't so much that as it is the age difference. I will grant you that age and desires to be loved are not in relationship to each other...

What the question is...

Is about older men and younger women and older women and younger men...where there is a large age disparity of ten, fifteen, and even up to twenty years difference.

[walker starr]

   There is a country song that expresses it clearly.
   An old philosopher was asked what the important things in life were 
   the answer was older whiskey   younger women   more money.    

[walker starr]

    Am I not a terrible person?

[chosenone]

John I dont think that a few years make much difference. I actually know three couples where the man is 7 or 8 years younger then the woman. Its when it gets to 15, 20, 25 or more, that problems can occur such as I described when you are seeing someone the same age as your children or parents.For me personally the thought of being married to a guy the same age as my son or my dad is NOT something I would consider.I do think there are all sorts of problems and potential stresses that dont occur with couples of a similar age.

My dad and his wife were happy for the years they had, but being left as a widow with a 4 year old child at 45 is not what most would want. She is still alone 12 years later. I dont know, I think there are enough people around (especially for men)of a similar age to meet. I dont know if you have children John, but to me going out with a person the same age as my children isn rather weird, and the children may not like it either.(understandably).

[JohnDB]

My grandfather married a woman similar in age as my father.
(yeah....she was a blonde bombshell)

Dad had a real Oedipus complex issue for a while with his stepmother. Nothing untoward happened...nothing as disfunctional as that occurred...she was just similar in age and very attractive. She also is a wonderfully kind person...I love her to death.

From a grandkid point of view...I kinda like it. I still have a grandparent when all of the others have passed on. She can tell me stories about my grandfather separate from the influence of being a child of Grandpa. 
Of course everyone ages and gets old and dies...that is a normal part of life....but my grandfather lives on in her as well as my father, aunts and uncles.

So...I ain't so against it. The obvious things associated with it are a given.

I was just curious as to any other issues that were known about.

When the woman is older is is referred to as cougaring.
When a guy is older it is referred to as being lucky. 

I didn't make the rules of society...I just know how they are.

I don't care about societal norms so much...some do.

I have run into it one other time...Poor feller was consumed with worry over his Significant Other....she was smart, pretty, attractive, and active. He was beginning to slow down and was really worried about losing her to some other guy getting her attention.

I know of one other woman who was attracted to older guys regularly...but she was rather juvenile in her personality soooo....she never really got to date the guys she was attracted to.

The only other couple I knew of but didn't get to know was one where she was drop dead gorgeous and he was really older...But I didn't get to know them...It was a large church and there simply wasn't time.

 

[chosenone]

Do you think that women attracted to men the same age as their parents are often wanting a dad rather than a husband? I guess I cant understand it as I have never been attracted to men of anywhere nears my dads age. I think 6 years was the biggest gap that I and a boyfriend had. My first husband was 4 years older than me and my present husband is a year younger then me.

[JohnDB]

No...not exclusively.

Some women want the stability, I am sure, that an older guy can exhibit.
Some might be attracted to his money. (older guys with some stable income)

And vice versa...

But somewhere along the way they gotta have something in common other than physicality and money. Otherwise these marriages would have never lasted any length of time.

Women are attracted to stability and strength that a guy can exhibit. And when surrounded by guys who are into the party life and juvenile behaviors...easy to see why she would befriend those guys but love an older gentleman.

And vice versa.

[chosenone]

I always think its telling that old RICH men get really young attractive women, yet older POOR men arent given a second glance.I think we know why that is.I mean look at Hugh Hefner....gross..... I hope he makes the most of it cos he wont be getting any blond bimbos in hell., and eternity is a LONG time.

[JohnDB]

Ummm

My grandpa was never rich...He was a workin stiff like me. Built swimming pools for a living.

And grandma became involved in California real estate as a realtor during it's big big boom..and became a multi-millionaire in the process.

So...ummm...yeah....that sort of thinking doesn't apply well at all in my circle of friends and acquaintances. Maybe in your circle of friends and acquaintances it does.

[comfy]

My father dried out and met a woman in A.A., then married her. Then there was only one seat at a later meeting, with the youngie he married. She was the first of twelve kids and younger than me. So, I have a mommie younger than I am But he died of cancer and she married and I think I heard they went to Florida. After they married, they converted to Jesus through Pentacostal ministry. And they seemed to be pretty good together. May be, after bringing up her eleven younger ones, she was more mature so she could do all right with him. But he died in time so they had one child, then she was still young enough to marry a pastoral man and have at least a child shared with him.

So, I'd say what you shared, too, shows we should not make any set standards for judging this. But I would say if it's just a dirty old man thing, this is wrong. I'm finding, as I grow in Jesus, I get more interested in woman my own age because they have had time to mature so we can connect and communicate deeper that the physical attraction.

How about Boaz and Ruth? To me, he seemed to be saying she was being kind to him because he was older. Ruth 3:10. He told her she was being *kind* by seeking to be under his wing, instead of going, "after young men, whether poor or rich." (c: He was a relative of Naomi who was Ruth's mother-in-law; so this, too, could mean he was more Naomi's age!

[chosenone]

Ummm

My grandpa was never rich...He was a workin stiff like me. Built swimming pools for a living.

And grandma became involved in California real estate as a realtor during it's big big boom..and became a multi-millionaire in the process.

So...ummm...yeah....that sort of thinking doesn't apply well at all in my circle of friends and acquaintances. Maybe in your circle of friends and acquaintances it does.

  Not at all, just in life generally you hear about it all the time on the news and in the media. Rich and/or famous man gets young not rich or famous much younger woman. Amazing how attractive money makes an older person.   

[JohnDB]

Money can make anyone appear pretty.

Especially if someone has some and is willing to spend it on looks.

A fifty year old woman can appear to be only in her young thirties to mid twenties if enough money is spent on it.

It also takes a good part of their day to appear this way too...

and when you have nothing to do with your day other than appear pretty...well...there ya go.

My appearance can change when it is important enough to do so...and I prefer not to.

Watch my diet, extra teeth cleanings and polishings, pore cleanings and haircuts and styles...don't forget the clothes too.

I simply don't care to spend my day like that or the money on plastic surgery...they apparently do.

[chosenone]

Money can make anyone appear pretty.

Especially if someone has some and is willing to spend it on looks.

A fifty year old woman can appear to be only in her young thirties to mid twenties if enough money is spent on it.

It also takes a good part of their day to appear this way too...

and when you have nothing to do with your day other than appear pretty...well...there ya go.

My appearance can change when it is important enough to do so...and I prefer not to.

Watch my diet, extra teeth cleanings and polishings, pore cleanings and haircuts and styles...don't forget the clothes too.

I simply don't care to spend my day like that or the money on plastic surgery...they apparently do.

Yes for some women who are desperate to look young, plastic surgery etc can do that to a certain extent. I dont get it myself, and think the whole "I must look young at all costs" thing is VERY worldy and even some Christians have all bought into it. However for men, they can be VERY attractive to some women, not because they look young, but because thet have money. Money and riches are very attractive to many.
Fame is also a very attractive quality to many also, and people will go out with a famous person just because they are famous..  

Anyway back to the question, apart form my dad and his second wife, I dont know any other marriages were there is more than about 7 or 8 years in age difference, so having a very large gap seems to be quite rare, except among the rich and famous.

 Must admit that I have never seen a 50 year old women who looks 30 but maybe I have missed that. People have always told me that I look much younger than I am, but I dont wear make up or do things to make myself look younger, I have just been blessed with a really good skin. My two aunts aged 78 and 86 dont have many wrinkles at all so I Must have their skin type.
 I know a Christian lady in her early 50's who has had plastic surgery on her eyes, spends a fortune on face creams, has regular lazer treatment on her face, regular facials, is obsessed with being extreemly thin, yet still looks older then she is, so it doesnt always work.
 

[Rachel]

My dad married a lady 25 years younger then him. He died 12 years ago and she was left a widow in her 40's with a 4 year old son. That is a BIG disadvantage. Also it means that I had a step mum only 4 years older than me and a brother who is 37 years youger then me.Bizarre.
Personally I woudnt go there,I am only interested in men a similar age to me.
I do wonder if women wanting much older men are looking for a father figure??? Maybe their relationship with their dad wasnt good?. My step mothers dad died when she was 11, so it was definatly a possibility in her case.  
Also there is a possibility that a person interested in a much older person is a gold digger? After all, older people usually have more money property etc.
I am sure there are good marriages/relationships where a very large age gap works but of course they are from a different generation, they are with someone a similar age to their own children or their own parents and the older one will usually die much much sooner . The older will be an old person when the younger will still be only middle aged and active and wanting to do things and go places,and this may cause resentment and regret.(as I have read on more than once on this forum).

Must admit at my age (54) I wouldnt want to be married to man in his 70's. if I was 70 as well , I am sure I would be quite happy about it.

Wow chosenone.  I thought it was just me.  My Dad is 21 years older than his wife.  She's a year older than me.  And I have a brother 35 years younger than me.  I can't make sense of it all.  I would definitely not recommend it either.

[chosenone]

My dad married a lady 25 years younger then him. He died 12 years ago and she was left a widow in her 40's with a 4 year old son. That is a BIG disadvantage. Also it means that I had a step mum only 4 years older than me and a brother who is 37 years youger then me.Bizarre.
Personally I woudnt go there,I am only interested in men a similar age to me.
I do wonder if women wanting much older men are looking for a father figure??? Maybe their relationship with their dad wasnt good?. My step mothers dad died when she was 11, so it was definatly a possibility in her case. 
Also there is a possibility that a person interested in a much older person is a gold digger? After all, older people usually have more money property etc.
I am sure there are good marriages/relationships where a very large age gap works but of course they are from a different generation, they are with someone a similar age to their own children or their own parents and the older one will usually die much much sooner . The older will be an old person when the younger will still be only middle aged and active and wanting to do things and go places,and this may cause resentment and regret.(as I have read on more than once on this forum).

Must admit at my age (54) I wouldnt want to be married to man in his 70's. if I was 70 as well , I am sure I would be quite happy about it.

Wow chosenone.  I thought it was just me.  My Dad is 21 years older than his wife.  She's a year older than me.  And I have a brother 35 years younger than me.  I can't make sense of it all.  I would definitely not recommend it either.

Goodness thats a coincidence. My brother is 16 and I am 54, so that is 38 years, and it is rather bizarre. To me he is more a nephew. The situation is further complicated by the fact that my dad had an affair with her for many years before marrying her, so my feelings are mixed. I see them about twice a year and have always treated her well. I dont think she even knows that I know she had an affair with him. Of course my dad died 12 years ago now, when the child was only 4. Another problem with a man marrying a much younger women , she may well want children.

There is a story in our local paper of a couple who have just had a baby. She is 30 and he is 70!!!! I mean, he is old enough to be her grandfather for heavens sake. and will probably be dead in a few years leaving this poor child with no dad.

I have 2 daughters aged 24 and 29. if one of then met, and wanted to marry, a man of 50 or so I would be horrified. Neither of them seem to have any interested in older men so thats good.  Apart from my dad I dont know of any marriages where the age gap is more then 10 years or so, so maybe that says something.

[Hot Ice]

Do you think that women attracted to men the same age as their parents are often wanting a dad rather than a husband? I guess I cant understand it as I have never been attracted to men of anywhere nears my dads age. I think 6 years was the biggest gap that I and a boyfriend had. My first husband was 4 years older than me and my present husband is a year younger then me.

I've had a woman admit to me that she married an older man partly out of the security of the power it gave her to know that she was the young one in the relationship, that she could "keep him on his toes" by his knowing that she is young and attractive enough that others will be interested if he doesn't treat her the way she wants.  There was also the security of believing that he would not as likely "trade her in" for another woman, being older as he was.

[chosenone]

Do you think that women attracted to men the same age as their parents are often wanting a dad rather than a husband? I guess I cant understand it as I have never been attracted to men of anywhere nears my dads age. I think 6 years was the biggest gap that I and a boyfriend had. My first husband was 4 years older than me and my present husband is a year younger then me.

I've had a woman admit to me that she married an older man partly out of the security of the power it gave her to know that she was the young one in the relationship, that she could "keep him on his toes" by his knowing that she is young and attractive enough that others will be interested if he doesn't treat her the way she wants.  There was also the security of believing that he would not as likely "trade her in" for another woman, being older as he was.

  Goodness what a selfish reason for getting married. It says a lot about her own insecurities for her to do that. YOu do have to wonder if she will be prepared to look after him in his old age (possibly for many years)with that attitude.
I do think that women who do this are seeking a father figure. I would love to know how many women who marry much older men (excluding the ones who do so for money or fame)actually had no dad or a poor relationship with their dad.

[Hot Ice]

Do you think that women attracted to men the same age as their parents are often wanting a dad rather than a husband? I guess I cant understand it as I have never been attracted to men of anywhere nears my dads age. I think 6 years was the biggest gap that I and a boyfriend had. My first husband was 4 years older than me and my present husband is a year younger then me.

I've had a woman admit to me that she married an older man partly out of the security of the power it gave her to know that she was the young one in the relationship, that she could "keep him on his toes" by his knowing that she is young and attractive enough that others will be interested if he doesn't treat her the way she wants.  There was also the security of believing that he would not as likely "trade her in" for another woman, being older as he was.

  Goodness what a selfish reason for getting married. It says a lot about her own insecurities for her to do that. YOu do have to wonder if she will be prepared to look after him in his old age (possibly for many years)with that attitude.
I do think that women who do this are seeking a father figure. I would love to know how many women who marry much older men (excluding the ones who do so for money or fame)actually had no dad or a poor relationship with their dad.

Right!  I don't know that this was the main motive for her getting married, but I do know that this was one of the main sources of security that she depended upon (which is no better, at all!).

[janine]

My in-laws were 20 years apart.

Preacher's kid Mom-in-law married, had kids, and after various horrors she divorced.  (Even the few things I heard about her life with that first husband would stand your hair up.)

She raised up the younger kids and had the youngest just grown and entering the military when she met her 2nd husband, my Dad-in-law.  He was a friend of her boys, actually 3 months younger than her eldest son.  They married and had one child together, my husband.

By all observation, they had a good marriage.  In her later years, as she became more and more disabled by illness, Dad took great care of her, as she had taken care of the whole family all her life.  When she finally passed, well into her 80's, she left a widower in his 60's, still spry and having a stellar reputation because of the way he stood by Mom.  Frankly, I'm surprised there aren't a dozen women vying for his attention, he's a real good man and quite attractive in a silver-haired Marlboro Man kind of way.

There are negative aspects to the large age gaps, but like every other relationship factor, it's still got to depend on the individual couple.  Of more importance would be faith and faithfulness, and whether they can pull together through the bad times.

[Hot Ice]

My in-laws were 20 years apart.

Preacher's kid Mom-in-law married, had kids, and after various horrors she divorced.  (Even the few things I heard about her life with that first husband would stand your hair up.)

She raised up the younger kids and had the youngest just grown and entering the military when she met her 2nd husband, my Dad-in-law.  He was a friend of her boys, actually 3 months younger than her eldest son.  They married and had one child together, my husband.

By all observation, they had a good marriage.  In her later years, as she became more and more disabled by illness, Dad took great care of her, as she had taken care of the whole family all her life.  When she finally passed, well into her 80's, she left a widower in his 60's, still spry and having a stellar reputation because of the way he stood by Mom.  Frankly, I'm surprised there aren't a dozen women vying for his attention, he's a real good man and quite attractive in a silver-haired Marlboro Man kind of way.

There are negative aspects to the large age gaps, but like every other relationship factor, it's still got to depend on the individual couple.  Of more importance would be faith and faithfulness, and whether they can pull together through the bad times.

I can understand that.

[janine]

One of my favorite old English comedies had the May-to-December thing as a major part of the plot:

May To December

[777]

Funny isn't it......

25 & 45 is wrong

but....

45 & 65 is fine

                      .......both 20 years apart

personally, my parents freak out at anything over 10 years apart.   lol

[chosenone]

Funny isn't it......

25 & 45 is wrong

but....

45 & 65 is fine

                      .......both 20 years apart

personally, my parents freak out at anything over 10 years apart.   lol

Having three adult kids and two step kids between the ages of 23 and 32, I woudnt be at all happy if one of them wanted to marry a person
in their late 40's early 50's. I have to say. Also the younger you are the worse it does seem. IE an 18 year old and a 40 year old is yuk, but a 35 and 55 doesn't seem quite so bad but I still cant understand it.

A story to make your hair stand on end that was in the paper here in the UK yesterday. A lady had  a child who she had adopted. later on that child's child, looked for her and found her and they are now together as live in partners,and she is in her 70's and he is about late 20's, What is even worse is that they are paying another lady to have a baby for them.
Apparently she says that God has give her a second chance. me thinks she hasn't read her Bible.

[JohnDB]

My in-laws were 20 years apart.

Preacher's kid Mom-in-law married, had kids, and after various horrors she divorced.  (Even the few things I heard about her life with that first husband would stand your hair up.)

She raised up the younger kids and had the youngest just grown and entering the military when she met her 2nd husband, my Dad-in-law.  He was a friend of her boys, actually 3 months younger than her eldest son.  They married and had one child together, my husband.

By all observation, they had a good marriage.  In her later years, as she became more and more disabled by illness, Dad took great care of her, as she had taken care of the whole family all her life.  When she finally passed, well into her 80's, she left a widower in his 60's, still spry and having a stellar reputation because of the way he stood by Mom.  Frankly, I'm surprised there aren't a dozen women vying for his attention, he's a real good man and quite attractive in a silver-haired Marlboro Man kind of way.

There are negative aspects to the large age gaps, but like every other relationship factor, it's still got to depend on the individual couple.  Of more importance would be faith and faithfulness, and whether they can pull together through the bad times.

Ummm...He probably doesn't want to share that sort of information with yawl...

I know I wouldn't and don't.

But...yes...any elderly single man is absolutely hounded by women wanting to marry.

Just goes with the turf.
It is somewhat subdued...sixty and late fifty year old women don't run about as much with "sexy" clothes as the younger ones do.  They don't flirt as much...they just flat out say what they want most of the time. (rather boldly too I might add)

He, on the other hand, is likely much more interested in other things...like grandkids and fun stuff...something other than women.

And that is why he has said nothing and somewhat hidden the whole situation from you. He is, after all, a gentleman...and they simply don't discuss some things with their children.

Maybe if yawl broached the subject with him and let him know that if he was so inclined...it would be OK if he dated...no one would think or say anything unkind about him looking for some companionship. 

[janine]

We've talked about it. :)

This was mentioned before:

And this one came to mind: