update on my committment phobic boyfriend

[mind boggled]

Hi! It's mind boggled again...a lot has happened since I've been on here last...my boyfriend is now my fiancee...& he even bought my wedding ring....but....as soon as the time came near (WE PICKED OCTOBER FOR MARRIAGE)...he has deer in headlight look back.. ..a few weeks ago &when we went to premarital counselor he looked  at me & said dont marry this man unless ya want an unhappy marriage......he said he would still counsel us seperate for a while if we still wanted to pursue it ...fiancee agreed...so he is to read the entire book of Isahia for next mon.....before we went to the counselor I tryed to  break up cause he was cold to me for 2 weekends...& just withdrawn & acting weird & said he was scared of change......everything was going so good...& I thought his fear went away......I even took him to my counselor here(I live out of town)...& my counselor heard all of his fears &  he told me he has never in his 20 years of counseling ever saw 2 people that werent happy when they were in luv & going to get married...& would never try & convince someone to marry him....& I feel I'm always fighting for the relationship.....& he is always coming up with negative what ifs that  might happen....I think I've lost all joy now in getting married to him.....he asked me not to give up on him...however he has only called me 1 time in the 2 weeks since we saw the premarital counselor & he told me he was scared of me...I said of what ...he said change.....so he e-mailed me 1 time & said he was depressed ...trying to figure his self out......he said maybe he was meant to stay single...maybe not...maybe I'd be better with out him maybe not....I hear these double messages all the time.......I think hes messed up.....I know God can change things...but my fiancee has to want to change.....I dont know for sure if he does.....he said he felt he was responsible for his other 2 failed marriages ....cause he didnt pay enuogh attention to them so the first one found someone else & the 2nd one left....he said there is no guarentee he wont do that again...I told him if he knows what dont work then just dont do it again.....if ya do I'll tell ya....& turn it around..& VICE VERSA WHEN I DID SOMeTHING..HE DIDNT LIKE.....I'm thinking maybe he just isnt coming to terms with the fact that he just dont want to put out the effort.....the pemarital counselor also told him.....(after he said he loved me) THAT he didnt believe him....he luved his self.. also that it was time to grow up....so should I wait till the counseling is over mon.? ...it may help him down the way.....however I think its probably over between us.....but why would he even agree to go back to the counselor if he wasnt wanting to change?so Maybe I'm wrong ...maybe he does want to change..I just feel so hurt that I've been betrayed ...let down.....as a Christian where do I go from here......

[chosenone]

Do you think it is possible that God is trying to warn you here? I have to say that I wouldn't ever consider marrying anyone who needed to be forced to even consider it. I also think that even if he did eventually agree, would he turn up at the church?
I think there is more to it than failed marriages. Many people get married again after one or two failed marriages.

My advice is to listen to the counsellor, and let him go. Maybe in the future he may change but a man who is so fearful about change, has some serious issues to sort out,and it is possible that God doesn't want him to get married again anyway. I think he needs to be alone now away from you to spend time with God and reflect on his life and learn to let the past go. A year or two of no dating (and I really think he needs to stay away from all dating as long as he has this strong fear of commitment) may enable him to understand what is going on more.

Loads and Loads of red flags here though.

[mind boggled]

 ::amen!::I know you are right,its just so hard to accept. I've invested a year & 1/2 in this relationship,but maybe it will help him change down the way. at least he realizes something is seriously wrong now. My son told me I needed to meditate & I did....God gave me this....my fiancee isnt ready to hear yet.....so if all he has been learning isnt sinking in...then he is just going to have to keep growing as a Christian till God somehow gets him to apply what he hears....I do pray that for him. I always ask for revalations from God....so he is showing me my fiancees heart....I think I probably should wait till he goes to the counselor again monday....& maybe I will say what you explained in your e-mail...that he has some serious issues to work on with Gods help & that I'm going on with my life...does that sound okay?Good byes are really hard for me...so I always make a clean break....is that right as a Christian? I thought about changing my e-mail & not answering his calls after the breakup....because it would hurt me to see or talk to him again...being so close to being married to him...& l luv him...& I told him last week I was mad at him for ruining "us"....now should I break all communication  like I want to...& pray for him & let God deal with him now? ::saint::is that the Christian thing to do?

[chosenone]

mindboggled, yes do wait till the next appt but most of all do what you feel God is saying. Would you be able to tell him at the counsellors meeting together? Then also you could still see the counsellor for a while on your own after that?

Also a clean break is fine. If you sort of half keep seeing him and half not, that may cause more hurt and it will take longer for you to be able to move on and heal. I remember reading a book about divorce (I appreciate that you arent married but the principles are the same) when  the man said that the less you can see the ex spouse the quicker you will both be able to move on.
Of course carry on praying for him, as I know you will, but that time away from you may well help him to do some real soul searching with God.

In my opinion, when you have had a close relationship, it is almost impossible for a couple to just remain freinds and still see each other in a platonic way. It sounds as if you are like that as well. So yes make sure that he knows that it is a clean break and that you dont want any contact.  I dont know the reason for the previous marriage break ups but could it be that some of his problems were partly to blame? If so he will still have them if you ever did get married. I also know that 3rd marriages have a high failure rate, so thats another thing to think about. (I think it is 75%).

I am sympathetic as both my husband and I are previously divorced, so I know that subsequent marriages can work, but he does seem to have lots of problems to sort out.

Keep close to God, and let him lead you.Ultimately it is what YOU feel that God is saying to YOU. People like me can only give advise and opinion based on what we read here and on what life has taught us. 

God Bless