How to Trust... Should I trust him?

[Girl for God]

Deleted...

[chosenone]

Hi Girl for God
Wow lots of questions here!! I am sure it is partly that you have been betrayed before. I have a long history of being betrayed. A serious boyfriend before I met my first husband betrayed me with another girl when we  were even talking about getting engaged. He was seeing both if us at the same time.
My father had a long affair which started when I was about 15. He lied to me and my brother to cover it up, and after my mums death (suicide)he married the other lady. Then my first husband betrayed me and my children in a horrible way which led to a divorce after 25 years of marriage.
So now I am happily married (married 5 years ago) to a lovely man who is the most trustworthy, moral, honest and godly man I have ever met. It has taken me a long time to stop being afraid that he will betray me like all the men in my past, but as time has gone on my trust has grown,and my fear has shrunk. It hasn't gone completely, and maybe never will totally, but in the end I have always been 100% sure that he is Gods choice for me. Also I am by nature quite a trusting person despite everything which helps.
However we are all human in the end, and only God is the one who will never let us down.

In your situation I think there are other issues though. You already feel that he isn't meeting your needs and that you maybe aren't compatible.
You mention his extensive sexual history?has he repented of that?Was that before he became a Christian?How long has he been a Christian? Does he pray with you?Is he a godly man with high morals(now I mean)? Does he have a good and close relationship with God? Is he honest and kind? Does he go to church and is he involved in any way there? Are there are any red flags that make you uneasy?(be honest here). Are you sure that God wants you to be with this man? Have you asked him to make it clear?
Theres a few things to be getting on with, but the fact that you have written here may indicate that you are a bit uneasy.

[Girl for God]

Thanks for the reply Chosenone! I do feel we are compatible, just we're opposites when it comes to personality, but we have the same values, etc... I'm very dependent and he's very independent. He meets most of my needs, I just feel at times, I'm too needy. Maybe I need to get out of that! LOL My family has told me to do that on more than one occasion. LOL

As far as his sexual history he's been with 6 women before me and he used to look at porn - though he doesn't since the Lord convicted him of it and he got rid of it all. He is 39 and I'm 28. I've been with one man. Both of us were saved as children (8 years old both of us) He has repented and it was just a year ago that the Lord started to work on him about this subject. He ran to sex for comfort due to a past where he was abandoned by everyone when his mom died when he was 14 - including his dad - which left him homeless til he joined the army at 18. He does have high morals and he goes to church, prays daily, reads the Word daily. We do pray together - though I would like to more while we are apart (over the phone, but sometimes we forget and we're tired when we talk to each other.)

As far as red flags - I have seen some - the fact that he used to look at porn worries me and he's much more sexually experienced than me. As far as past relationships, he's only had 3 serious ones (including mine) which means he has slept with other girls that were just "buddies." Which I consider any guy that does that scum, but I also don't want to judge him for his past. If God forgave him, I have to too. I've asked him questions about his past and he doesn't feel comfortable answering (about the girls and his experience) and if he does at times he leaves out info and later adds it in if I ask again later. Which I consider not honest - he considers he forgot. Which to his credit, he does have a bad short term memory at times.

As far as if God wants us together - I'm not sure. God did lead us together - there was no other way - I was single for 7 years before my current bf. When things were really rocky a few months ago, I prayed and God said walk in faith and don't break up with him. I pray everyday for clarity and for His will to be done in this and all other areas of my life. I haven't heard anything else. I'm just scared of being hurt again, but at this point I would be hurt - there's no question about that. But anyways, what keeps coming back to me, is that God is using each other to mold us and to help remove some bad habits out of our lives/personalities and that He will be given the glory for our relationship. But I'm just in this point where I don't have a leading to leave him, just to stay put and be patient. Also, in the beginning I think I pressured him too much to consider marriage, and he did but he's just as scared of marriage as me and he told me he hasn't been with anyone like me and has never loved anyone like he loves me and that he has only considered marrying me. Which made me impatient and I was like just ask me already, but he wouldn't because he was waiting for God to tear down his "wall" and make it perfectly clear to him; which I should have respected, but didn't.  Wow I feel bad about that. Anyways, those are the answers to your questions in a nutshell. LOL

[chosenone]

Thanks for all that. Maybe it is helping you to write it all down.
Why do you think he is scared of marriage? Do you think he has definitely stopped all porn?Its just that  for me, a man who did all of those things such as sex with 6 women and looking at porn after they were saved  would put me off. I think that after my experiences with my first husband I was very very specific about wanting a new man with really high morals. That's just me, we are all different. God does forgive of course, as long as that has all stopped.

I don't know how long you have been together or whether he is intending to marry you, but neither of you are that young, especially him to still be wary of marriage. Do you think he will ask you eventually? What do you think he is waiting for?
Another thought, is it possible for one of you to move to be near the other so that you can spend more time together rather than just weekends?


Do you think that one being very dependant and one independent will work out?.They do say that opposites attract don't they, so sometimes it is hard to know. The main thing is to listen to God as He knows everything about both of you and he also knows if this relationship will lead to marriage or not. Be open to whetever He has to say, as I have learnt that sometimes we only hear what we want to hear.

[IamStefanie]

Hi Girl for God,

Now, I'm not an expert in relationships - I have had my past and have not been successful with relationships. However, I have learned during my time of 'singledom' - too many questions at this point in time is unhealthy for any two people in a relationship. It's not that your boyfriend is a bad person. Sexually active people repent too and turn their lives around. However, if you have a problem with it, then your boyfriend has nothing to do with that. It's on the matter of what you are willing to accept and what you are not willing to accept - which also keys into his personality. My opinion - character by far outweighs personality. However, if you have a problem with him not complimenting you or not cuddling you - while some may find that minor, you find it major to the point that it's been mentioned more than once.
Question: although he tells you he loves you, do you feel it? Because I know God loves me by His spirit. I know by His grace. I know my son loves me by his affections and his mannerisms, etc...I know my friends love me by their care for me and putting up with me, LOL. So again, from the time you have been with your boyfriend, do you feel the love from him?

So my advice: Consider the advice given to you and make a sound decision. Search your heart and think about why you are with him and why you are having so many questions about your relationship now.

And as far as you go..whatever you do, know that character is more important than personality; and not every guy is Romeo with the words - some guys are quiet and don't know how to express themselves (that goes for ladies too, though). And if the two of you love each other and would BOTH like to get married and have similar goals in that area, then think twice about what you are doing and I believe God will guide you accordingly.

[janine]

You will never find a man who can fulfill all your needy low-self-esteem needs.  Never.

Not even God can do that, because you are a bottomless pit of need when you're in that state, and you cannot make good use of the unconditional love He gives.

You need to work on being all the woman God wants you to be, in yourself, independent of any man, before you tie yourself to one.

[inhimwearefree12]

You will never find a man who can fulfill all your needy low-self-esteem needs.  Never.

Not even God can do that, because you are a bottomless pit of need when you're in that state, and you cannot make good use of the unconditional love He gives.

You need to work on being all the woman God wants you to be, in yourself, independent of any man, before you tie yourself to one.

I definitely agree with this.

To the OP, have you ever sought out Christian counseling for the betrayal in your past? Maybe there's still issues there that would benefit you, if you got to process them. Before I met my husband, I had been in only one year long serious relationship, where that person was emotionally abusive, controlling emotionally, and even ended up cheating on me. It left me very hurt, and angry. It didn't help that my childhood had a lot of trauma in it too. So I sought out counseling, and they helped me with the stages of processing, and moving on.

But I think it also depends on the attitude of yourself when you enter a relationship. I waited a while after that incident, and enjoyed being single. When I met my husband, I was perfectly content with where I was at, I wasn't even looking for someone. But I went into it, knowing that not all men are the same. There may be people out there that have hurt me, stolen things from me emotionally and physically, and have invaded my boundaries and trust, but I know not everyone is like that. So I didn't go into the relationship with thinking he would end up leaving me as well. I put my trust in him because he had proved himself to me, and also God had shown me it's okay you can trust him, he'll take care of you.

Now on the other hand if you entered into this relationship expecting him to be just like your ex, then you're going to constantly be thinking and waiting for the day that he confesses cheating.

Maybe you guys could both change your passwords to things, and keep them to yourselves. I think when you're married, it's important to allow your husband to come into all of those things, but as far as just dating/courting, it's a boundary that can cause some issues. Such as feeling compelled to check up on him. There are times I'll check out my husband's phone account, or e-mail. But he also has the ability to do this to me, and it's not out of fear of betrayal but more on terms of us holding each other accountable.

I hope this helps. Peace and grace sister.

[Girl for God]

Thanks everyone for the replies! To the poster who put that not even God can help me when I'm in such a "funk" is absolutely true! I've had trouble even feeling loved by God - though I know He loves me. Gosh, if I can't feel that from God who gives unconditional Agape love, how can I expect my boyfriend who is just a man, make me feel loved. Wow! This is definitely a "ME" problem. I was so happy when he came to visit me last night - he brought me flowers and a card and told me that he listened to the "Five Love Languages" book on CD on the way here and he realized I need to hear more comforting words (which is not his strong suite) but he tried sooooo hard to make sure I was feeling loved by him. He is a good guy - I've just been focusing on the negative (another problem I have). I think I will check into Christian counseling through my church and get some of these issues worked out, because if he is so caring to work at improving himself to be with me, then I should do the same for him.

BTW: We've been dating for 9 months. To another poster who asked why he's so scared of marriage - it's because he is scared his wife will leave him just like everyone else in his life has done. He's scared of making the wrong decision on who to marry.

[JohnDB]

You will never find a man who can fulfill all your needy low-self-esteem needs.  Never.

Not even God can do that, because you are a bottomless pit of need when you're in that state, and you cannot make good use of the unconditional love He gives.

You need to work on being all the woman God wants you to be, in yourself, independent of any man, before you tie yourself to one.

Honestly...Janine said it best right here.
If I were your boyfriend I woulda kicked you to the curb for any and all of your behaviors by this point. Not for reasons of guilt either because I too woulda been innocent...

But there is no proving a negative....no proof of being a "good guy". Nothing will ever satisfy you. You take from relationships instead of seeing them as an opportunity for giving.

I could be your friend...and probably enjoy the stew out of just hanging out with you on that level...but a romantic relationship is another whole world...much higher and different standards are laid out for that. There is no way on earth I would get involved with another woman behaving like you are. Soooo ease up. You will lose what you have if you continue.

[yesult]

I know you've had some excellent advice so far, but I just wanted to add to whats already being stated regarding trust - in that, if he's changing for you, rather then for himself, and because it's right, you're moving in dangerous territory.

If a guy is changing 'for you'. Watch out. If he's changing for himself, and you can really see the fruit, it's safer.

You will find thread after thread on christian forums and hear story after story in churchs if you make enough friends and are around long enough about guys 'turning over a new leaf' for their christian girlfriends, coming to church or getting more involved, the whole 9 yards. Who just go back to what they were beforehand after the rings are exchanged.

I am telling you - thread after thread. It's a big red flag.

There are also cases where people really did change when they met a christian that they liked and stayed that way - but those people did it for themselves because they realised it was better. There's a difference.

I think a good question to always ask ourselves in this kind of situation is - if we both wern't christians, would I marry this guy? If the answer is no, then there's problems.

[IamStefanie]

Chosenone..

I like your answer in regards to trust as it pertains to your life. Trusting someone after you have been betryaed is the hardest thing to do.

My situation is different. A former lover has come back into my life. We are not a couple at this time, but we are becoming re-acquainted. And he claims to be a different person. And right now I do not trust him.  I know he has a past. I know I do too. But I cannot seem to be able to wipe the slate clean with him. I love him, but I don't trust him. And I don't know if I ever will. Lord knows I want to. And it's something I've been praying about. But it's only been about 3 weeks, so it's only been a short while. I don't know why he's back in my life for sure, but I know that I've tried to kick him out on many occasions and God continues to bring him back!! LOL. I love him, and I didn't want to break up with him to begin with; but we were having WAY too many problems in a relationship that had went way too fast. During that time of us not being together, I gave my life to Christ. He gave his life to Christ recently.
I don't regret anything that has happened because I don't feel I would have been where I am if things didn't happen as they did.
And now, he wants to try us again. Part of me wants to, part of me doesn't. And, I should mention the fact that he is still legally married. I say legally because he got married to this young lady when he was 18 or 19 and they were separated 2 months later; yet, he has not gotten the divorce due to the $$$. Do I believe him, yes, but I know I cannot proceed with us until he handles that. So yes, he does have a past. A long one. So, trust is not easy on my end.

But like you said chosenone, we serve a God that we can trust and who will never let us down. One who will love us all of the time and who loves us more than we can know.

To the OP,
How to trust? That's a good question. Trust God first. Stay in prayer. Not just now, but all of the time. Relationships now are so hard and Lord knows it's hard to trust people because of all of the things we may have experienced or we see others experience. But if you feel this man is good for you, keep praying and love him the way that Jesus loves you. Love him outside of yourself. And give it time. There's no need to rush....

Be blessed.

Stefanie