age difference

[777]

Just wondering what you guys thought as acceptable when it comes to dating and the age difference.  I'm 40 and constantly get views on dating sites from 28 year olds.  Kinda strange.  I always thought 10 years apart was the cut off.  Thoughts?

[IamStefanie]

I'm a 27 year old woman, and I have no issues with being with a 40 year old man. I think if both people are consenting mature adults, then age is not an issue. However, if the two people do have an issue with the age, leave it alone. Age difference is dependent on the person. For me, I would probably go no older than 45 at this point in my life. And that would of course depend on the man and his level of maturity. I love a man who knows what he is doing and knows how to take care of a lady but I don't need a man acting like my father either. That's just a turn off for me. And it would feel funny to be with a man who is older than both of my parents (my father ironically is 45 and my mom is 48)...so...
But for me 40 would be very comfortable - I've done it before and it was ok.

[777]

45??  Thats an 18 year difference!  When he graduated high school, you wouldn't have even been born yet.  Yikes! 

[chosenone]

My personal choice is that I have never wanted an older man, except when I was in my teens (teenage guys can be immature)
The problems can come with an age gap of much more than 10-15 years, when you are older and one is middle aged and one is getting quite old. For a person of 50 say,having to look after someone getting towards 70 cant be much fun.

My first husband was 4 years older then me, and my second husband is 1 year younger than me, suits me fine. And no, when I was 28, I wouldn't have been interested in a 40 year old. Its possible that some women are looking for a guy with more money and maybe their own house, which an older man is more likely to have than a guy in his 20's. Also, for Christian women, there just aren't enough men to go round and therefore they may be looking at older men who they think may be interested, because guys of their age are in demand.

When I was on a dating site in my mid 40's, it used to annoy me when men often seemed to want much younger women,and the only men interested in women in their mid to late 40's were men in their 60's!! No thanks very much I thought. Would rather be on my own.
My daughter has recently been on a  Christian dating site, and while she is in her late 20's the ones interested seemed to be in their late 30's,and I thought, what a cheek, why don't they contact women of their own age for a change.
Anyway she has a boyfriend now (who she didn't meet on the site) and he is much nearer her age, 3 years older I think.  

[777]

LOL.........I know, its really strange.  Sometimes I get views from 50 year old women.  I don't think they realize I'm looking for closer to 35.  I know.....men ALWAYS look for younger.  I think 10 years diff will still be my cutoff though.  :)

I can hear it now.......(IF I started to date a 30 yr old).....my 38 year old ex would be all "Don't ya think she's a bit young"......or......."Robbing the cradle are we?"  lol

[chosenone]

LOL.........I know, its really strange.  Sometimes I get views from 50 year old women.  I don't think they realize I'm looking for closer to 35.  I know.....men ALWAYS look for younger.  I think 10 years diff will still be my cutoff though.  :)

I can hear it now.......(IF I started to date a 30 yr old).....my 38 year old ex would be all "Don't ya think she's a bit young"......or......."Robbing the cradle are we?"  lol

Yes, but does she have to know?You are no longer married to her, so it isnt any of her buisiness.

Have you found that never married women are interested in a man who has been divorced and may even have kids? Its just that when my daughter was on a site, (she is late 20's), she was contacted by a man in his late 30's who is divorced and has a 4 year old son. They e-mailed for quite a while, but in the meantime she met this other guy and so never met the other man.

While she has nothing against divorced people (after all her mum(me) and step dad, are both previously divorced) but she really would like to meet a guy who hasnt been married and hasnt already got kids, which shouldnt be to hard if he late 20's.I can totally understand how she feels, as I know that you do have to consider the ex, the problems they may cause ( I had to cope with my husbands ex for a while),and things such a the long term financial cost of the persons previous kids, access etc and many other possible problems.
These things are OK if you are both in the same position,(ie you are both divorced) but of you have never been married, there may well be lots of baggage to deal with if you marry a previously divorced person.   

[777]

LOL.........I know, its really strange.  Sometimes I get views from 50 year old women.  I don't think they realize I'm looking for closer to 35.  I know.....men ALWAYS look for younger.  I think 10 years diff will still be my cutoff though.  :)

I can hear it now.......(IF I started to date a 30 yr old).....my 38 year old ex would be all "Don't ya think she's a bit young"......or......."Robbing the cradle are we?"  lol

Yes, but does she have to know?You are no longer married to her, so it isnt any of her buisiness.

Have you found that never married women are interested in a man who has been divorced and may even have kids? Its just that when my daughter was on a site, (she is late 20's), she was contacted by a man in his late 30's who is divorced and has a 4 year old son. They e-mailed for quite a while, but in the meantime she met this other guy and so never met the other man.

While she has nothing against divorced people (after all her mum(me) and step dad, are both previously divorced) but she really would like to meet a guy who hasnt been married and hasnt already got kids, which shouldnt be to hard if he late 20's.I can totally understand how she feels, as I know that you do have to consider the ex, the problems they may cause ( I had to cope with my husbands ex for a while),and things such a the long term financial cost of the persons previous kids, access etc and many other possible problems.
These things are OK if you are both in the same position,(ie you are both divorced) but of you have never been married, there may well be lots of baggage to deal with if you marry a previously divorced person.   

You are absolutely right.  Its none of her business, but I don't think I would keep it from her either.  I could care less what she thinks.  She would totally ask me though to try and size her up.  lol  Women always get irritated when the guy goes for someone younger.  Never understood that.

Anyway, yeah......your daughter will have a hard time on those sites, simply due to the fact that most guys in their late 20's aren't on dating sites.  They are out partying with friends (yes even christain ones).  Most guys don't start to get that family mindset till 30-32 when they realize partying is a horrible way to meet quality people.

[chosenone]

LOL.........I know, its really strange.  Sometimes I get views from 50 year old women.  I don't think they realize I'm looking for closer to 35.  I know.....men ALWAYS look for younger.  I think 10 years diff will still be my cutoff though.  :)

I can hear it now.......(IF I started to date a 30 yr old).....my 38 year old ex would be all "Don't ya think she's a bit young"......or......."Robbing the cradle are we?"  lol

Yes, but does she have to know?You are no longer married to her, so it isnt any of her buisiness.

Have you found that never married women are interested in a man who has been divorced and may even have kids? Its just that when my daughter was on a site, (she is late 20's), she was contacted by a man in his late 30's who is divorced and has a 4 year old son. They e-mailed for quite a while, but in the meantime she met this other guy and so never met the other man.

While she has nothing against divorced people (after all her mum(me) and step dad, are both previously divorced) but she really would like to meet a guy who hasnt been married and hasnt already got kids, which shouldnt be to hard if he late 20's.I can totally understand how she feels, as I know that you do have to consider the ex, the problems they may cause ( I had to cope with my husbands ex for a while),and things such a the long term financial cost of the persons previous kids, access etc and many other possible problems.
These things are OK if you are both in the same position,(ie you are both divorced) but of you have never been married, there may well be lots of baggage to deal with if you marry a previously divorced person.   

You are absolutely right.  Its none of her business, but I don't think I would keep it from her either.  I could care less what she thinks.  She would totally ask me though to try and size her up.  lol  Women always get irritated when the guy goes for someone younger.  Never understood that.

Anyway, yeah......your daughter will have a hard time on those sites, simply due to the fact that most guys in their late 20's aren't on dating sites.  They are out partying with friends (yes even christain ones).  Most guys don't start to get that family mindset till 30-32 when they realize partying is a horrible way to meet quality people.

  Mind you, my son met his fiance on a dating site when he was 30 and she was 26, so there are some guys on there at that age.
At least my daughter has met a guy off the sites so thats good.

Must admit I get irritated when guys only want a younger woman, thinking very arrogantly (in my opinion) that women of their own age cant 'keep up with them' (whatever that means). How wrong they are.
I always think Gods sense of humour was at work when he bought my husband and I together, as he, too, thought he was going to meet a younger woman when he went on the dating sites,and I came along and I am a year older than him. hehe.
I actually know several marriages where the women is 7 or 8 years older than the man.

My dad married a lady who was 26 years younger than him (after mum died) The thing was that he died at 69 and she was left widowed at 44 with a 4 year old son. Thats what you get for having such a large age gap.   

[larry2]

My dad married a lady who was 26 years younger than him (after mum died) The thing was that he died at 69 and she was left widowed at 44 with a 4 year old son. Thats what you get for having such a large age gap.
   

But how was she to know he would die before his time?

Psalms 90:10  The days of our years are threescore years and ten.

[mind boggled]

   Wanted to comment on the age difference topic someone else posted but with a new spin....so I'll identify myself first .....I prayed for God to send me men that didnt have commitment phobia...since I just got out of a relationship with a passive agressive commitment phob..after 1/12 years of giving 100% & him gradually going from 50% to 0% cause of pulling away due to him not being able to let anyone close..so I sent back ring an advice of Christian counselor & cut off all contact....just reminding those who read my prediciment for months now....week before last I was crying my eyes out...(which I never do).....I prayed for god to help me & to please send me a man that was a Christian positive & non commitment phobic....so he sent me two(lol)........I chose the one I was most compatible with....both were Christians,but one was more along my beliefs ....however I was more attracted to the one who is an independent thinker.....not a traditionalist...but I made sure he was reborn.....I was more attracted to him...he likes to talk about different intellectual issues I'm interested in...we talk about our differences in beliefs without arguing....we decided to date exclusuve.....my son is warning me of rebound relationship....I'm having strong feelings for him already...he talks bout future for us...told me he loved me ....I told him I was nervous about that right now...to early especially after wht I just went through! My friends say guys do that to get wht they want...& I would agrre except I'm having strong feelings already too..so i dont think hes lying...am I niave? I know time will tell...but we just click ..is that possible to feel this way so soon? Also I'm in a  similar prediciment as a man who wrote in about age...I look younger than my age (dont..ask..I dont tell(lol)...My son told me not to date anyone that looked like they couldnt be his dad.(this guy looks older)...but 20yr olds have hit on me & the 20+ difference is way to much! I think ya have to look at the age you are at & then consider...seems people get to an age of maturity in different age groups....then ya compare that age group...with age group you are in...if ya are 30 & want to date a 20 year old...I see a problem....but if you were 40 & wanted to date a 30 year old.....or if your are 5o & date a 40 year old.......but 20 & date a 10 yr old...nooooooooooooooo(lol)......maybe even 60 dating a 50 year old....but 70 dating a 60yr old...maybe not...but everyone ages diffferent in heart & looks...& physically.....mentally.....but ther are limits of course....ask family & friends...what they think about the individual so ya can get loved ones opinions...then decide yourself with meditative prayer.......now that I said all of this...I want to ask all of my Christian friends bout the fast feelings I'm having about this guy ...they feel real....also there is a 12 year difference in our age....I usually stick to the 10 year limit...but this just seems right....I'd like my loved ones(fellow  Christians for opinions......about both the age thingy & the feelings I have....Its been probably 3 months now..I've broke up with fiancee...but it was growing distant probably a month or so before that. however I didnt grieve fully till I cryed it out about two or so weeks ago.....is this to soon? Thanks & God bless! mindboggled

[chosenone]

From the struggles you were having very recently with this other guy, I think your son is very wise. You usually need a lot of time to recover from one relationship before starting another. You were engaged to this other man and wanted to marry him, and now suddenly you want this other man? Seems very rushed to me, especially as he is already talking about your future. Be REALLy careful, as it seems that you have got over your ex fiance very very quickly and turned your attention elsewhere.
The last thing you need is another relationship that goes wrong. 

Also, just because 2 men may be interested in you, that doesnt mean that God is in it. or that he bought them along.

[chosenone]

My dad married a lady who was 26 years younger than him (after mum died) The thing was that he died at 69 and she was left widowed at 44 with a 4 year old son. Thats what you get for having such a large age gap.
   

But how was she to know he would die before his time?

Psalms 90:10  The days of our years are threescore years and ten.

larry, dont know what you mean. Three score years and ten is 70, he was 69. Only a years difference surely? I think you will agree that a man who marries at 60 to a 35 year old, isnt likely to live as long as a 35 year old marrying a 35 year old. (There was another complication in that they had an affair for 8 years while he was still married to, and living with, my mum, which led to her depression and suicide, so not a nice situation).
The thing is that if you marry a person 25 years older than you, its highly likely that they will die 25 or so years before you, and if the older one is a man, even more, as they live shorter lives that women anyway generally. I suppose it was the old 'looking for a father figure' senario, as her dad died when she was in her early teens.

[larry2]

My dad married a lady who was 26 years younger than him (after mum died) The thing was that he died at 69 and she was left widowed at 44 with a 4 year old son. Thats what you get for having such a large age gap.
   

But how was she to know he would die before his time?

Psalms 90:10  The days of our years are threescore years and ten.

larry, dont know what you mean. Three score years and ten is 70, he was 69. Only a years difference surely? I think you will agree that a man who marries at 60 to a 35 year old, isnt likely to live as long as a 35 year old marrying a 35 year old. (There was another complication in that they had an affair for 8 years while he was still married to, and living with, my mum, which led to her depression and suicide, so not a nice situation).

The thing is that if you marry a person 25 years older than you, its highly likely that they will die 25 or so years before you, and if the older one is a man, even more, as they live shorter lives that women anyway generally. I suppose it was the old 'looking for a father figure' senario, as her dad died when she was in her early teens.

Didn't she realize that he was only to live to seventy possibly? What I was saying is that she may have expected one more year anyhow and got cheated from it. I had said that sort of tongue in cheek but you're right in vast age differences and though wrong, depression to the point of taking one's life is a terrible thing.

[chosenone]

My dad married a lady who was 26 years younger than him (after mum died) The thing was that he died at 69 and she was left widowed at 44 with a 4 year old son. Thats what you get for having such a large age gap.
   

But how was she to know he would die before his time?

Psalms 90:10  The days of our years are threescore years and ten.

larry, dont know what you mean. Three score years and ten is 70, he was 69. Only a years difference surely? I think you will agree that a man who marries at 60 to a 35 year old, isnt likely to live as long as a 35 year old marrying a 35 year old. (There was another complication in that they had an affair for 8 years while he was still married to, and living with, my mum, which led to her depression and suicide, so not a nice situation).

The thing is that if you marry a person 25 years older than you, its highly likely that they will die 25 or so years before you, and if the older one is a man, even more, as they live shorter lives that women anyway generally. I suppose it was the old 'looking for a father figure' senario, as her dad died when she was in her early teens.

Didn't she realize that he was only to live to seventy possibly? What I was saying is that she may have expected one more year anyhow and got cheated from it. I had said that sort of tongue in cheek but you're right in vast age differences and though wrong, depression to the point of taking one's life is a terrible thing.

yes Larry I agree, but I guess if your husband is having a long term affair and isnt going to stop it,but you want to stay married and be faithful, anyone would get pretty depressed. Praise God she was a Christian, and is now with her Dad and at peace. Her awful pain stopped for her but started for the rest of us left behind.

[IamStefanie]

45??  Thats an 18 year difference!  When he graduated high school, you wouldn't have even been born yet.  Yikes!  

LOL, I know. And if you think about it like that it then it does seem very off..but I've attracted older men for a long time and it doesn't seem too foreign to me. However, ideally, I would want someone closer to my age. My last relationship the guy and I are the same age. A lot of immaturity there (but it wasn't the age but more of the individuals involved), but we could relate easier as far as the times go. (I hope that made sense). But I'm just saying if I met a man at this point who was older than me and we connected and it was real love and all of that good stuff that comes along, then  his age within limits would not bother me.

[fassopony]

Chosenone, do men on those sites really think they need a younger gal to "keep up with them"?  Because, ahem, it's the males who "slow down" as they age LOL!!

While I have yet to meet any guy I would consider dating right now, I would think 10 years would be okayyy...maybe.  Well,....maybe.  I obviously haven't given it much thought LOL!!

[IamStefanie]

Hi mind boggled,
From one Christian sister to another, PLEASE wait before you involve yourself with someone else. You sound like you really do need to time heal. Sit and allow God to do a work in you so that you don't go down the same road of a broken relationship again. Broken relationships will mess us up and it's sad to me that so many people, men and women, go from one relationship to another over their lifetime, only to break up some time later. We think we are ok when we go to someone else, but remember, everytime we sleep with someone, we are giving some part of ourself (some may say their soul) to that person. If you were just crying your eyes out last week over your ex-fiance, then what makes you think you are ready to be involved with another man. Yes, God allowed two men to come into your life again recently, but that doesn't mean your heart is ready to endure another relationship.
I've done the rebound relationships myself, and it most cases, I had nothing to give to these men but my body and my time b/c I was still not over my ex, who I was in love with. Not only that, I had/have a lot of maturing that needs to be done within me. So, after going thru a few rebound relationships and even going back to my ex (knowing that we were still having the SAME issues as we did before)for a spell, I had to stop and just say "yes Lord' I'm done trying to fix something that only YOU can fix. I need to be fixed first. Not only to be in the right relationship but to do whatever else it is He needs me to do for His glory.
It's not easy being single when you want someone in your life. But I would rather be single and living holy and honest than to be with someone just for the sake of having a person and living in a sinful relationship. No, thanks.

So, for you sister in Christ, I hope that you will take some time and take your son's advice. Rest your soul. Let God fix in you what is broken. How long will it take? I don't know. But I know God will work in you, through you and for your so that you won't have to hurt over another broken relationship. And, if God does allow you to meet your husband, then you won't have to question if it's real or not, you'll know you can proceed with God's approval. Be blessed and enjoy the life that God has given you.

- Stefanie

[behindthewallofsleep]

Think about this: are you the same person you are now at 40 as you were when you were 27?

[arleigh]

If I were looking , and I am not.
I am 60 ,,,,,,,,I'm not geting use to that.
any way,
I come from a lifestyle of hard work and lots of  out door  activity hiking and hunting the woods .
I pull my  weight better than people half my age.
My dad lived to 90 and died of penumonia, which he had contracted when he was very young and few times in between. But for the most part he lived a long and healthy life.
There are no guarentees to life , it is no fantasy, nor a book one can force to become real.
Culture, makes borders fear makes borders, even faith makes borders.
the way a prson cares for them self speaks of how they value them selves. a man generally does not want to buy a car that is completely shot worne out and used up.  I assume women have much the same concern.
A poor old man is looking for some one younger to care for him as he ages, I've met women with the same concern.
Not every one likes to be alone , and some have been married longer than they had been single so it is difficult to learn to appreciate being alone.
I think too much baggage scares men off, most men I know like things simple in their perspective.
Older women tend to bring all their baggage with them, making the conversation with younger women more attracive .
  I have had some great conversations with women in their teens on up , and some supprizingly intelligent well past their years.
  Most all women have an agenda, and to that end they work but it is never spoken.
Time and time again, I lay out the ground rules, and time and time again there is a concerted effort to break those rules. which ends the relationship.They all listen and agree in acknowledgment but not a few moments later speak and act as hough the rules were never spoken .
  Now i know what Adam went through.

[chosenone]

Chosenone, do men on those sites really think they need a younger gal to "keep up with them"?  Because, ahem, it's the males who "slow down" as they age LOL!!

While I have yet to meet any guy I would consider dating right now, I would think 10 years would be okayyy...maybe.  Well,....maybe.  I obviously haven't given it much thought LOL!!

Thats what I was told by a couple of them. Maybe it is because they feel more 'macho' with a younger woman?
Or that it makes them feel younger themselves?Who knows, but as you say women are often more able and 'active' in middle age than men,and of course they live longer.lol.

[chosenone]

If I were looking , and I am not.
I am 60 ,,,,,,,,I'm not geting use to that.
any way,
I come from a lifestyle of hard work and lots of  out door  activity hiking and hunting the woods .
I pull my  weight better than people half my age.
My dad lived to 90 and died of penumonia, which he had contracted when he was very young and few times in between. But for the most part he lived a long and healthy life.
There are no guarentees to life , it is no fantasy, nor a book one can force to become real.
Culture, makes borders fear makes borders, even faith makes borders.
the way a prson cares for them self speaks of how they value them selves. a man generally does not want to buy a car that is completely shot worne out and used up.  I assume women have much the same concern.
A poor old man is looking for some one younger to care for him as he ages, I've met women with the same concern.
Not every one likes to be alone , and some have been married longer than they had been single so it is difficult to learn to appreciate being alone.
I think too much baggage scares men off, most men I know like things simple in their perspective.
Older women tend to bring all their baggage with them, making the conversation with younger women more attracive .
  I have had some great conversations with women in their teens on up , and some supprizingly intelligent well past their years.
  Most all women have an agenda, and to that end they work but it is never spoken.
Time and time again, I lay out the ground rules, and time and time again there is a concerted effort to break those rules. which ends the relationship.They all listen and agree in acknowledgment but not a few moments later speak and act as hough the rules were never spoken .
  Now i know what Adam went through.

So older men dont have baggage then???Most women have an agenda? Dont older men have an agenda?I have had great conversations with much younger men, but that doesnt mean I would have ever considered marrying one, or that it would have worked, especially if they were the age of my son!!!!Ugh cant think of anything worse!!! I adore my son, but he is my son, and anyone of his age would never be a marriagable age for me. Like marrying a child.

Generally men and women of similar ages seem to marry,(sort of 5 years either way ish) and that seems to work best. No generation gap. No one seeking a mother or father figure. No having to care for an old spouse when you are only 50. No getting bored with a much older spouse who only wants to sit in front of the fire when you are still wanting to be active and go out a lot. Yes, generally it seems to work better that way and that is why most do it I suppose.

[fassopony]

Baggage is interesting, especially with a big age difference.  I have never been married and have no kids at 38.  I think one divorce would be "okay" in my book but a guy with more than one marriage is probably a deal breaker for me.  Any sort of hostile relationship with exes is also a deal breaker.  I have no interest in being drawn into having to deal with the angry ex wife LOL!

Also, I hear more and more that the older men get, the more they just want someone to "take care" of them.  I have no interest in playing nanny or house maid.  I certainly have no interest in those weird older men who think because they have a few dollars that women will be all over them *gag*.  Financial independence is a blessing!

The odds of finding someone that would fit for me are very low and I am 100% okay with that :)  If God wills it, it will be.  Otherwise, I plan on being the most out of hand, fun loving and rambunctious spinster to ever be.  Yes, you all can come to the party LOL!!!

[chosenone]

fassopony
Its amazing how many women will be all over a man who is rich, I dont get it. It would take far more than money for me to be all over a much older man.
Also you never know. I met my soul mate when I was 48 and he was 47.(We had both been in long first marriages).My aunt met the man of her dreams when she was 61 and he was 71. They had 10 happy years togather before he sadly died.

I agree about the angry ex and also the hostile relationship they may have with the ex. There isnt much worse then someone who speaks bitterly about their ex spouse, blaming them for all the problems, Neither of us have ever done that thank goodness.
I did have to deal with the ex for some time, and even though she had an affair and divorced him, she still wouldnt let go and wanted to control him to some extent. After we had been married for a year, we decided that enough was enough, and he told her not to contact him again except in a real emergency. Their 2 boys were well into adulthood then so there was no need for contact. It worked. yay!!!!!

[fassopony]

Sounds like you two made the right choice with the ex!  And, I think that is awesome you met someone you can love, cherish and marry.

The young gal/old creepy rich guy thing is for (in my opinion) those with issues.  The gal has an inability to earn an honest income and the guy is most likely a perverted control freak.  Again, totally my biased opinion.

Yep, if I meet someone, I meet someone :)  I can't see myself with an older guy though (more than 10 years). 

[alive_n_christ]

Back in my single days when I was single and dating, I honestly believed I could never date someone who was younger than me or was ten or more years older than me.
However, after dating and knowing guys within my own age range, I sort of changed my mind regarding that perspective.  As long as the guy wasn't Grandpa himself or older than Methusaleh, maybe everything would be okay as far as dating goes.

I met my husband when I was 15yrs old at church.  Of course he didn't become my husband til after I was 20yrs old.  We knew each other for 5yrs but never dated til 1989.
we were married in 1990.  He was 10yrs older than myself.  I still remember my Mom asking me if I was sure I wanted to marry someone that much older than myself.  She said you might not notice the age difference right now because you're so young but as you get older you're going to notice it.  I have to be honest I haven't really noticed it to a large degree.  There were some of his old friends from high school that stated they couldn't believe he married someone so young.  One lady in particular stated, "Man, I heard you were young, but goodness, he robbed the cradle when he married you."  I just laughed about it.

To be honest, I would have to say I don't think I would go beyond 15 to 20yrs difference if I was a single person looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with as far as someone older and I wouldn't go beyond 5 yrs difference with someone younger.
Thank God those days are over for me, though, Praise the Lord, thank you, Jesus.
For it's not just age difference one has to contend with, there's maturity and responsibility to consider as well. 

Yet, if one is really looking for a mate in life, they should first consult their Creator, first and foremost regarding the issue and let God direct their pathway and footsteps.
With God in the driver seat, you'll be steered in the right direction.