Pornography addiction

hopeforfuture · Thu Jan 20, 2011 - 17:48:42

I have noticed a handful of posts recently concerning the issue of pornography destroying marriages. I thought I would write out my female perspective on this issue.

I have been married to a man who has been "addicted" to porn our entire marriage. Yes, we are both Christ followers. Here are my thoughts based on my experience.

First of all, I believe there is a big difference between simply lusting over a pretty woman and looking at pornographic images and videos. If my husband and I were at the mall and he saw an attractive woman that led him to stare, and stare some more, I would definitely be annoyed and frustrated. But the damage done would be far far far less than his porn use. I would probably say, "hey, if you want to look at a pretty lady I'm right here".

Also, the woman being stared at isn't a part of his staring. She is just on a shopping spree.

But pornography is different. It is actively seeking out a virtual sexual EXPERIENCE. It is partaking in the corrupt sex industry (which would include child sex trafficking, prostitution, rape, ect.). When it comes to pornographic videos it is acting out a sexual experience with a real woman (who is involved but not present) and fantasizing that you are actually doing the things she is acting out with you. The big difference between pornography and a real life affair is that she can't get pregnant and no one is getting herpes.

What does this tell the wife in the relationship? What is has said to me is that I am not pretty enough, I am not exciting enough, I am not good enough in bed...basically I am not enough for him. That he has eyes and desires for other women. That other women are meeting his sexual needs. If other women are meeting his sexual needs, the wife feels cheated on...over and over and over again.

It has been very destructive (as well as other sins committed by both him and I...not just the porn) to our marriage. I have never trusted him and have felt like I was his wife for certain duties in our marriage but definitely not his woman in the sex/intimacy department. And that's a big part of marriage. Not just the sex, but the intimacy that comes with that.

Nathanael · Fri Jan 21, 2011 - 13:57:23

Sorry to hear of your hurts... did you talk to him about getting help and getting rid of this ? How have you been able to tolerate this as it sounds like he is still committing this unfaithfulness against you ? I agree with how you feel, I would feel the same if my wife used porn. I would need it resolving urgently. What are your plans to try get your marriage healed? you sound resigned and thats not a good place to be in.

chosenone · Fri Jan 21, 2011 - 21:04:36

I read of so many who just accept their husband porn use but you need to stand up to him.Give him the choice between it and the marriage. He is being unfaithful to you all the time,and if he is a Christian he is risking his very salvation. Go to a mature Christian lady and ask her to pray with you and advise you. He will never stop unless you say enough is enough.
The excuse that you arent attractive enough, is incredibly hurtful and extreemly cruel. Doesnt he realise that these women are ACTING their sexual desire. it isnt REAL. To be discontent with your spouse is so ungodly and wrong.
Also even staring at women in the mall is disrespectful and mean. he doesnt need to do it, he can stop looking.He does have the choice to stop doing all these thing, but why does he need to when you have accepted his appalling behaviour all this time?
Nothing will change unless you do something.

MZS · Fri Jan 21, 2011 - 21:28:13

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I have friends that may possibly divorce over this. My friends situation motivated me to create a website http://fightingthebattle.com/ that is meant to provide information and tools for Christians to take the offensive in this battle. Perhaps some of that will be helpful to you.

I am going to assume your husband is trying to quit this. If so, then he should find another trusting man to form an accountability relationship with to not only keep him accountable but also pray for each other. Get filters on all computers he uses and scrap the mobile phones with internet unless they can be filtered too. Besides accountability, one (your husband) needs to find a greater mission in life that requires "spiritual fitness" - this can be a very powerful deterrent itself.

You mention the sleaziness of the porn video industry - so true. See http://www.shelleylubben.com/ for some first hand account from former workers.

hopeforfuture · Fri Jan 21, 2011 - 21:41:58

I appreciate all your responses. But also should say I didn't write this thread to complain or vent. I have a lot of issues myself. My main purpose was to explain how porn addiction can effect the wife since we've had multiple posts from men whose porn struggles have damaged their marriages.

Also, to clarify a bit, I have definitely not accepted his porn use. I've almost left on numerous occasions and have told him it's porn or me. I would get the teary response and the "please forgive me" but then a week later I would find more stuff. He is now to the point where he refuses to talk about it anymore and says God is working in him on this issue. He also refuses to make any drastic moves like getting rid of internet or putting a filter on our computer,ect.

He also has good reason to leave me for things I've done. But again, I really just wanted to post how my husband's porn use has affected me throughout our marriage. That was my main point anyway. Blessings

hopeforfuture · Fri Jan 21, 2011 - 21:57:58

Are there any other women on here who have experienced the pain of being married to a porn addict? I surely can't be the only one.If anyone else wants to share how it's affected them and their marriage I would appreciate it. There is something very powerful to me in reading people's life experiences. We can learn so much from each other.

phoebe · Sat Jan 22, 2011 - 00:11:42

No, you aren't alone. Been there.

After separating and attempting reconciliation, the reality was finally accepted by both of us that he would not be free of it because he chose not to be. Trust was gone and would not be restored. He (my husband) set me free from the bondage I was kept in. It was a nightmare. Every day was filled with fear of what I would find next. Eventually the images weren't enough and, like an addict, he required flesh to satisfy. His leaving--and it took his leaving as I was taught to stay--was the best thing he ever did for me. That was 30 years ago. Was it me? I don't think so. He's been married and divorced five times now.

Sorry I can't encourage you. It was the most unhappy time of my life. So grateful it is my past and not my present.

LittleLamb · Sat Jan 22, 2011 - 00:42:18

In march I will be married 19 years to my sex addict husband.
I dont recall when we last had sex. For reasons I have explained before I have gained 40 pounds over the last two years. I cannot bring myself to have sex with him. I know the extra weight discusts him. I know his porn addiction has nothing to do with me, yet even when I was in shape he was always making comments on how I could improve my body. I just can't win.

Of course I have my issues too, but this is a public forum and I don't care to put myself up to be flamed. Its easier to ditch my spouse here then to expose my sins. what a great wife I am.

MZS · Sat Jan 22, 2011 - 07:59:59

Quote from: hopeforfuture on Fri Jan 21, 2011 - 21:41:58

Also, to clarify a bit, I have definitely not accepted his porn use. I've almost left on numerous occasions and have told him it's porn or me. I would get the teary response and the "please forgive me" but then a week later I would find more stuff. He is now to the point where he refuses to talk about it anymore and says God is working in him on this issue. He also refuses to make any drastic moves like getting rid of internet or putting a filter on our computer,ect.

It sounds like an accountability partner for your husband (a trustworthy friend or pastor) could be helpful. There are filters that not only filter the internet but allow the other accountability person to check where the user has been. The other person can check from their own computer via a log-in site on the internet. We use the filter bsecure in our own home for my teen son that is attending high school online. I can check his use and add sites to "do not allow lists" from any computer at home or at work. Safe Eyes is another such filter. Pornography can be addictive like drugs or alcohol - having an unfiltered computer at hand to a person addicted to porn is like having a fully stocked liquor cabinet in the home of an alcoholic. As an added plus, the accountability partner could help your husband keep on track spiritually.

trick · Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 00:32:01

Quote from: ShelaArion on Sat Jan 22, 2011 - 00:42:18
I dont recall when we last had sex. For reasons I have explained before I have gained 40 pounds over the last two years. I cannot bring myself to have sex with him. I know the extra weight discusts him. I know his porn addiction has nothing to do with me, yet even when I was in shape he was always making comments on how I could improve my body. I just can't win.

I feel terrible for you. Do you know you are disobeying the bible?

QuoteDo not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Also, (I'm a guy) being attractive has more to do with your attitude than it does with your looks. It seems to me that girls are often told that "looks are everything" but this is mostly false.

LittleLamb · Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 13:02:02

Quote from: trick on Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 00:32:01
Quote from: ShelaArion on Sat Jan 22, 2011 - 00:42:18
I dont recall when we last had sex. For reasons I have explained before I have gained 40 pounds over the last two years. I cannot bring myself to have sex with him. I know the extra weight discusts him. I know his porn addiction has nothing to do with me, yet even when I was in shape he was always making comments on how I could improve my body. I just can't win.

I feel terrible for you. Do you know you are disobeying the bible?

Yes, I know. I pray that god changes my additude.

phoebe · Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 16:10:40

Quote from: trick on Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 00:32:01
Quote from: ShelaArion on Sat Jan 22, 2011 - 00:42:18
I dont recall when we last had sex. For reasons I have explained before I have gained 40 pounds over the last two years. I cannot bring myself to have sex with him. I know the extra weight discusts him. I know his porn addiction has nothing to do with me, yet even when I was in shape he was always making comments on how I could improve my body. I just can't win.

I feel terrible for you. Do you know you are disobeying the bible?

QuoteDo not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

...

A misunderstood and misused passage of Scripture if there ever was one. To a woman, this is the very definition of aquaintance rape. There are many reasons why a woman may not desire or even reject
intercourse, most of them valid, few of them acts of revenge. A husband who places his "needs" above the needs of his wife is hardly loving and serving her like Christ loves the church, the model we are given.

Instead of telling her that she is "disobeying the Bible", why not encourage her to seek counseling where they can learn to communicate their needs to each other? Where they can learn the art of compromise? Where they can learn to show Christ's love to each other?

Marital rights was about a legal heir, not the right to have sex. Paul is addressing two things: 1) he is responding to a comment in one of their letters, "It is good for a man not to have sex with a woman." (some of the false teachings going around); 2) under Jewish law, sex was an obligation and failure to comply was grounds for divorce. He was keeping marriages intact, families together. (food, clothing, and marital rights for the purpose of a legal heir). So, trying to stick this woman with this passage is grossly unfair, out of context and asking her to accept sexual abuse, rape.

fassopony · Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 18:37:59

Quote from: trick on Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 00:32:01
Quote from: ShelaArion on Sat Jan 22, 2011 - 00:42:18
I dont recall when we last had sex. For reasons I have explained before I have gained 40 pounds over the last two years. I cannot bring myself to have sex with him. I know the extra weight discusts him. I know his porn addiction has nothing to do with me, yet even when I was in shape he was always making comments on how I could improve my body. I just can't win.

I feel terrible for you. Do you know you are disobeying the bible?

QuoteDo not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Also, (I'm a guy) being attractive has more to do with your attitude than it does with your looks. It seems to me that girls are often told that "looks are everything" but this is mostly false.

Out of this entire gut wrenching, horrifyingly sin-filled life ruining thread you found this to nitpick? Really? This was the biggest thing that stuck out at you and just made you comment??

OP and other gals looking for help, do not listen to mindless nattering like this. Get with God, get with your pastor and a good accountable friend.

trick · Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 20:05:00

Sorry, I don't want to start a flame war, but this did seem relevant. Basically Paul was advising "Don't keep each other from sex because you will tempt the other person to find fulfillment elsewhere". The problem is that her husband is "finding fulfillment elsewhere" and while his behaviour isn't justifiable, there is something she can do to help him.

phoebe · Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 21:43:08

Quote from: trick on Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 20:05:00
Sorry, I don't want to start a flame war, but this did seem relevant. Basically Paul was advising "Don't keep each other from sex because you will tempt the other person to find fulfillment elsewhere". The problem is that her husband is "finding fulfillment elsewhere" and while his behaviour isn't justifiable, there is something she can do to help him.

That's one of the lies that men believe, that if he doesn't find his definition of "fulfillment" with his wife he is "justified" at finding it elsewhere. Pathetic excuses. And looking to Paul for justification?? Appalling.

Fulfillment is found in Christ. If He isn't enough to satisfy, you ( generic, not specific) got bigger problems than lack of sex.

fassopony · Mon Jan 24, 2011 - 10:50:34

So what if they (wife and husband) get frisky all the time and he still goes on his porno benders? What then?

Oh, and Phoebe, that sentence with Paul and then using the descriptor "appalling"--sheer awesome LOL!!

chosenone · Mon Jan 24, 2011 - 12:13:21

With many men who look at porn, it has nothing to do with their wives. Many of tham are looking long before they marry and they carry on afterwards. I am sure that some blame their wives for not doing it enough, or for not wanting to do certain things that they have seen on the porn, but usually it wont stop even if they are having regular sex. Thats just an excuse. We are always good at blaming others for our sins.
Even if our spouse is withdrawing sex, which is wrong, there is still no excuse for porn use or being unfaithful in other ways.

hopeforfuture · Mon Jan 24, 2011 - 12:24:57

Thank you Phoebe and ShelaArion for sharing a bit on how being married to a porn addict has affected you. It's such a difficult thing to live with.

Trick, I understand that you being a man would make it difficult for you to fully understand the woman's experience in such a situation. But you are wrong to think not being intimate with your husband would stop the porn use. Some men may crave it more when their wives won't be intimate with them but some men actually crave porn more when intimate with their wives. Whether a wife will do that with her husband or not does not change the lust of the man. And when a wife is dealing with a situation like this it can make it feel impossible at times to be with her husband in that way. It is a very destructive thing indeed.

LittleLamb · Mon Jan 24, 2011 - 19:14:23

Quote from: trick on Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 20:05:00
Sorry, I don't want to start a flame war, but this did seem relevant. Basically Paul was advising "Don't keep each other from sex because you will tempt the other person to find fulfillment elsewhere". The problem is that her husband is "finding fulfillment elsewhere" and while his behaviour isn't justifiable, there is something she can do to help him.

umm wow. He would look at porn reguardless of what I do. In is his own twisted view of all men are closet perverts. There is NOTHING I can do to change his view ! It will take him to realize it !
FYI I was looking at a Porn Addiction site friday night and he walked into the room and saw where I was online. He started to scream at me. Telling me to stop looking or get out ! I may take him up on his offer. There is no helping a man in denial !

fassopony · Mon Jan 24, 2011 - 21:27:38

You're in my prayers.

mark s · Mon Jan 24, 2011 - 23:44:21

I've been rather surprised at some people's acceptance of pornography, and I commend you wives for sharing this way! This is something people need to understand - pornography destroys.

By the grace of God I'm clean now, and I cling to Him to help me stay that way. But I can tell anyone and everyone, as one who knows - this is a choice, like everything we do is a choice. Peel back all the excuses, all the lies and blaming and defenses, and the bottom line is, we can choose.

Ok, I know that habitual behaviors are on-again, off-again, progress and relapse. But the overall pattern of behavior speaks the truth.

One thing I know. We cannot - cannot - blame our bad behaviors on someone else. And if we do blame others, that becomes our first and foremost obstacle to overcoming them.

Love in Christ,
Mark

phoebe · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 00:49:53

marc - Manna to you. And may God continue being your strength to choose right. May you find peace and joy in that choice.

(It's easier to accept that which we battle ourselves rather than stand up for what is right in the midst of our own weaknesses.)

tennman · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 12:29:02

Quote from: trick on Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 20:05:00
Sorry, I don't want to start a flame war, but this did seem relevant. Basically Paul was advising "Don't keep each other from sex because you will tempt the other person to find fulfillment elsewhere". The problem is that her husband is "finding fulfillment elsewhere" and while his behaviour isn't justifiable, there is something she can do to help him.

I have to agree with Trick here. It's just logic, if your spouse has a problem looking at pornography, withholding sex from them can only hurt. I'm a visual guy and I can tell you that when my wife and I are regularly having good sex, I'm a MUCH LESS likely to look at another woman, let alone at porn. It does help to be sexually fulfilled. Anyone who denies that is not living in the real world. I'm not saying it's a satisfiable excuse, but I am saying that it contributes to some degree and it needs to be taken seriously.

Paul said it clearly, "Because there is so much immorality...." we should sexually fulfill each other so we're not tempted (paraphrase). It's helpful to be sexually fulfilled when going up against sexual temptation. How could anyone deny that?

phoebe · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 12:42:03

Quote from: tennman on Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 12:29:02
Quote from: trick on Sun Jan 23, 2011 - 20:05:00
Sorry, I don't want to start a flame war, but this did seem relevant. Basically Paul was advising "Don't keep each other from sex because you will tempt the other person to find fulfillment elsewhere". The problem is that her husband is "finding fulfillment elsewhere" and while his behaviour isn't justifiable, there is something she can do to help him.

I have to agree with Trick here. It's just logic, if your spouse has a problem looking at pornography, withholding sex from them can only hurt. I'm a visual guy and I can tell you that when my wife and I are regularly having good sex, I'm a MUCH LESS likely to look at another woman, let alone at porn. It does help to be sexually fulfilled. Anyone who denies that is not living in the real world. I'm not saying it's a satisfiable excuse, but I am saying that it contributes to some degree and it needs to be taken seriously.

Paul said it clearly, "Because there is so much immorality...." we should sexually fulfill each other so we're not tempted (paraphrase). It's helpful to be sexually fulfilled when going up against sexual temptation. How could anyone deny that?

Having been married to a porn addict for seven years, I speak from experience. Having sex does not help them be "fulfilled". It is an insatiable craving. It's an addiction. Sex only feeds the monster. They cannot be satisfied.

Why can't people get this??

fassopony · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 13:40:36

Yet another reason why staying single is a good choice for me. In a biblical marriage if you happen to be married to a whore monger you are still required to "perform" sexually while he gets his jollies watching others "perform" sexually? No. Thanks. And bye!

chosenone · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 14:28:32

I agree, A man looking at porn is the best way to make sure his wife does NOT want to have sex with him. After all, he is almost certainly imagining the women he has seen on the porn when they have sex. How horrible that must be for her. It must make a woman feel so bad and 'not good enough'. I could never be with a guy who was into porn. He would have a choice, the porn or me. I cant understand why anyone would just accept it for years and years.

Mind you I also agree that if a man isnt into porn, lots of sex is a very good thing for a marriage.It does stop the temptation to sin that a marriage with no sex, or little sex, can bring.

fassopony · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 14:48:39

I think *most* of us agree that lots of sex in marriage is good, chosen :) I know I do although I am unmarried.

I am just not ever going to agree to having sex with some porno-wannabe. Not gonna happen. I just have issue with certain people who feel that adulterating porn addicts need more! more! more! sex from their already used and abused wimmins, KWIM? Somehow I doubt God would encourage a Godly wife to have sex with an adulterer (which is indeed what porn viewing is, at least according to Gods Word).

phoebe · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 15:25:26

Quote from: fassopony on Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 13:40:36
...In a biblical marriage if you happen to be married to a whore monger you are still required to "perform" sexually while he gets his jollies watching others "perform" sexually?...

No, you are not! One of the lies both men and women believe!

mark s · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 15:27:59

Personally, I think the porn experience is different than and separate from a physically intimate relationship with a spouse.

In a marital relationship, there is a giving and receiving, the porn experience is completely selfish. Marital relations have the context of emotional and intellectual intimacy, porn does not. Marital relations are cooperative, porn is controlled. Marital relations are vulnerable, porn is protected. Marital relations reveal, porn is private. Marital relations are reality, porn is fantasy.

And to the degree that marital relations mirror what I've described as the porn experience, marital relations will likewise become destructive. The difference is where it comes from inside.

Love in Christ,
Mark

chosenone · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 15:31:59

Quote from: fassopony on Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 14:48:39
I think *most* of us agree that lots of sex in marriage is good, chosen :) I know I do although I am unmarried.

I am just not ever going to agree to having sex with some porno-wannabe. Not gonna happen. I just have issue with certain people who feel that adulterating porn addicts need more! more! more! sex from their already used and abused wimmins, KWIM? Somehow I doubt God would encourage a Godly wife to have sex with an adulterer (which is indeed what porn viewing is, at least according to Gods Word).

I agree that it is unfaithfullness with many many women. Thats why I couldnt stay with a man who was into porn and wasnt prepared to stop.

phoebe · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 15:35:04

Quote from: mark s on Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 15:27:59
Personally, I think the porn experience is different than and separate from a physically intimate relationship with a spouse.

In a marital relationship, there is a giving and receiving, the porn experience is completely selfish. Marital relations have the context of emotional and intellectual intimacy, porn does not. Marital relations are cooperative, porn is controlled. Marital relations are vulnerable, porn is protected. Marital relations reveal, porn is private. Marital relations are reality, porn is fantasy.

And to the degree that marital relations mirror what I've described as the porn experience, marital relations will likewise become destructive. The difference is where it comes from inside.

Love in Christ,
Mark

In a marital relationship with a porn addict, there is no giving and receiving, either. Only taking. And taking. And taking. And taking.

Assuming the porn is kept private? Nope. It is usually brought into the marriage relationship at some point. It evolves, kind of like a serial killer. At some point the addict no longer can separate reality from fantasy. They both become his (or her--women can be addicted to porn, too) fantasy.

And someone always finds out.

phoebe · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 15:39:34

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 14:28:32
I agree, A man looking at porn is the best way to make sure his wife does NOT want to have sex with him. After all, he is almost certainly imagining the women he has seen on the porn when they have sex. How horrible that must be for her. It must make a woman feel so bad and 'not good enough'. I could never be with a guy who was into porn. He would have a choice, the porn or me. I cant understand why anyone would just accept it for years and years.

Mind you I also agree that if a man isnt into porn, lots of sex is a very good thing for a marriage.It does stop the temptation to sin that a marriage with no sex, or little sex, can bring.

No one "just accepts it" for years and years and years. We live with his shame, in fear of so many things. Not knowing what to do, how to do it, when to do it, what the consequences will be--for everyone involved. Protecting everyone becomes the MO. It is co-dependent behavior at its finest.

hopeforfuture · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 16:15:46

Phoebe and Chosenone I agree with many of your points. I've put up with it for years and years and years. I have no clue what to do about this one (of many) sins and problems in my marriage. Just when I think he may be truly repentant, we start all over again...sometimes only a week later.

And yes, Phoebe, it becomes total co-dependant behavior for the wife. I am in protection mode right now. Protect the kids, protect myself, protect all our relationships with God. I feel like there is a darkness always lingering in my house because of the porn to be honest.

hopeforfuture · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 16:20:49

And taking it a step further what do you all think about the "soft porn"? The reason I ask is because when my husband says he is doing well and not looking at porn, he for sure is still checking out images, videos and tv shows with girls in bikinis or raunchy sexual themes...like searching them out specifically. And I don't consider myself a prude at all so we are not talking about an episode of Saved By The Bell where Zach and Kelly kiss.

Then when that just isn't enough, back to the porn.

MZS · Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 17:39:08

Quote from: hopeforfuture on Tue Jan 25, 2011 - 16:20:49
And taking it a step further what do you all think about the "soft porn"? The reason I ask is because when my husband says he is doing well and not looking at porn, he for sure is still checking out images, videos and tv shows with girls in bikinis or raunchy sexual themes...like searching them out specifically. And I don't consider myself a prude at all so we are not talking about an episode of Saved By The Bell where Zach and Kelly kiss.

Then when that just isn't enough, back to the porn.

Soft porn = porn. This is why most filters, alone, are useless. They typically will not filter out much of the soft porn that popular video sharing sites have. What is needed, in addition to a fairly good filter, is accountability. The porn-user must enter into a covenant with another trusted person that can check up on all sites visited and have the ability to block unfiltered sites as well. See the info at http://fightingthebattle.com/for-adults/ There needs to be an avoidance of any provocative imagery - and that is pretty tough to do in today's age.

Login:
Password:
Login for:

News:

User

Stats ezBlock

Pornography addiction

Recent Topics