How can I forget him?

[mind boggled]

  its mind boggled again....been 10 months since I give my engagement ring back to fiancee...on our premarital counselors suggestion at the church in his town...I tryed to be happy...going out with others...trying to rest in God...but I go from sobbing  to knowing I did the right thing hed be a bad husband...then praying God will give me peace with it all. The fact is I know I'm better off without him...but I think I'm afraid I'll never find anyone I felt like that with again...I just started this computer dating right before I met him...I dated a couple of guys & he was next in line....the thing is & dont take this as being shallow. there was something about his looks...that attracted me to him..right when I looked at his picture there was something bout his eyes. so there was chemistry......&I have looked through lots of pics & I dont feel whatever it was i felt when I looked at him...I feel like I've lost something I wont find again...I also fell in luv with what I thought was humbleness but was actually passive aggressive..hed push me away cause he cant let anyone near him...I never felt secure in the relationship...& he didnt fight for me when I told him not to e-mail or call...hes to passive...so last week my counselor told me to e-mail him & ask him if he wanted to try now after 10 months...he wrote back & said he was doing me a favor...hed never be a good husband..& not marry now ..probably never..so I said lots of angry things Ive had bottled up..he didnt reply to them..Ive been out with lots of guys in 10 months...I just still feel in luv with him...I know we were supposed to get married ..I wanted to be right in Gods eyes..but I didnt want an unhappy marriage either...so my sadnes is the loss of the special something that was there with him...I dont really care bout looks...I just want that extra something ya have with someone...ya can still luv someone without that but I want it all I guess & Ithink thats why I feel this loss I cant seem to get past to move on...I'd appreciate some help...we were together 1year & 1/2was supposed to be married last october...will this ever go away...how can I move on?..when I hear a luv song or lots of things remind me of him...I gave my heart to him & I'm very loyal & lots of things remind me of him...I want to move on..appreciate your prayers & any suggestions..I just have all these emotions going when I'm not angry I'm crying...so maybe I should just stay angry....is it righteous anger? i told him in an e-mail he let me down,God down & his girls down by the bad example of non commitment & most of all his self down for giving up on the love he had for me at our age we may never have again prayers & suggestions greatly appreciated....God bless! Mind Boggled

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

My divorce counselor recommended a book called "Soul Ties."

I haven't actually read it, but it sounds like it would be appropos to what you wrote about.

Jarrod

[chosenone]

I do think that you need to let him go and forgive him.Unforgiveness keeps you bound to the one that you havent forgiven. I also think that while you still have strong feelings for him you shouldnt be dating anyone else. The last thing you want is for a rebound relationship. I would leave it a year or so, and then see if you are over him enough to meet anyone else.

[mind boggled]

  I will get the book ya referred to...from the title I think it will apply to what I feel. It's just that certain something ya cant  explain that feels right when your with someone. ya want to give all the love ya have, make them happy just be beside them.....since hes passive aggressive he began to push me away more & more...ignoring me....always trying to bringing me down when I was happy...I dont know what his exact problem is but I think he loved me...even though it was my choice to leave him on the advice of the church premarital counselor...due to the fact that he said in front of him..I would have an unhappy marriage...my fiancee replied but I luv her deeply...counselor said I dont believe you..ya luv .yourself...ya need to grow up....I asked him what to do...he said give ring back....Ill counsel him alone if ya insist on persuing...but dont be suprised if I say the same thing 6 months from now....my fiancee kept talking bout being in a comfort zone...being scared of moving...not liking new house...couldnt please other wives....so why would this be different..blah blah blah.......I dont think he believed he could change & dont know if he wanted to...or like your saying at the bottom of your column.....he needed to do it with Gods help. so Im left mind boggled thats why i chose that name...it boggles my brain it shocks me  if someone luvs another that much where is the effort to do everything possible to keep them?..he said he was saved...but he never read the Bible....but he knew what he was supposed to do after we went through the course...but either didnt have the faith to let God help him..or didnt want to...I cant understand why someone could not put up a fight to keep someone they loved ,knowing that they would never see them again...it boggles my brain...like I said  thats why I have that name on here cause that the way I always felt in the relationship....it felt insecure..everyone says I made the right decision,but it doesnt change the way I feel.  maybe the reason I cant get clousure is I want answers to the whys I have...maybe its cause I have a minor in psychology.& I need to know the whys & try to fix situations....thankyou for your help & God bless! mind boggled

[mind boggled]

I think you are right...I am angry...at him still...I dont understand how ya could just let something go ya loved knowing if ya wouldnt but out the effort to keep them ...knowing ya would never see them again.....so does being angry mean I havent forgive him...or is there such a thing as being rigtheously angry...shouldnt I be angry...bout him asking him to marry me buying my rings...then he just accepted that I gave them back on church counselors advice...without more of a fight? He asked me not to give up on him...but he had to want to  let God help him & he gave up on his self...so I did what counselor suggested. he said giving the ring back would show him I was serious....I didnt want to walk down the isle with someone that looked like they were going to a funeral instead of a wedding..he said he loved me so why wasnt he happy...I want answers so i can have closure I think thats a lot of why I cant let it go also....read the other reply i posted for explanation....its been 10 months so does that mean I have to wait 1 more year or 2 more months....I want to move on....& in the back of my mind I want him to make a turn around ..realize what he had with me...realize he cant live without me...& beg me to come back...& of couse go to counselong for his passive aggressive ....I am mind boggled that anyone wouldnt do this if they were that much in love.....knowing he will never see me again...when i poured my heart out to him in the e-mail i wrote him...he replyed with...Im not getting married now & probably never....he just accepted the way he is...he wants things the way he wants them when he wants them ..then he wants ya to go away for what he calls his alone time....I never wanted to be joined at the hip.I have my things i do also....but he just wants ya to go away period ...just wants a visit every weekend...he wants 2 lives ...he swore he didnt cheat on me or have a secret...I believe him...but there was always a insecurity I felt  & a rejection..cause he doesnt want people around him he says...shouldnt it be different with someone ya love? He also said he wouldnt make anyone a very good husband & he is right he wouldnt ..the way he is now..but he could work on it...what is wrong with me...Ishould be happy I got away from him....I feel married to him in my heart...I just cant seem to get past it.  everyone I go out with doesnt compare to the first time I met him.  there was just something there I felt to begin with. so Im just not interested & let them go...I'm praying bout it everyday...so is being angry not forgiving someone? please read my other reply .to understand better my delima...thankyou for your time & your insight...always appreciate any more input. ya may have..God bless!. mind boggled

[OldDad]

Sorry, but this sounds like an unhealthy obsession with him.  Maybe he didn't want to be with someone who would fill post after post with "I want... I need... I feel... I... me... my..."

it's been 10 months since the engagement was broken. It's over.  The only thing holding you back from moving on is you.

[mind boggled]

Maybe your right...unhealthy for sure...but its easier said than done...moving on...cause there are a lot of varibles in peoples situations that ya cant understand unless you are in their shoes...I need to let him go in my heart i know that..thanks for your sincere effort..God bless..mind boggled

[Starry Night]

Hi mind boggled,

It sure sounds like we fell for the exact type of commitment phobic men and I can surely understand how you feel. In my case, I saw through the false hope he was giving me 2 months into the relationship. I remember telling myself he was no good for me, but he asked me to give him time to change to which my reply was 6 months.

During this time, he was traveling so much and putting off the subject that before you know it, 1.5 years had passed and I had grown to love him and fallen into a comfort zone... just as he expected.

About a month before Valentine's I told him not to call me anymore. Of course, I cried bitterly like I would never stop. Every night, I begged Jesus to remove the negative thoughts in my head and if He was willing, to erase all the bad memories I had of him (the ex). I visualised the Lord opening up my brain and removed the bad memories. By Day 3, without much peace and sleep, I finally decided that I just couldn't do it alone anymore and called a Christian friend to pray for me as well as for a cousin of mine who was also trying to end a bad relationship (her 1st love and he cheated on her).

I believed the Lord did answer our prayer. Because the very next day, I felt as much as HALF the pain and sadness...just GONE. Though I still remembered him (darn it... chuckle), I feel it's his lost instead of mine. As I visualised God speaking (couldn't see His face as usual), a few things came to my mind: 

* I was not alone
* Many women have suffered worse (abuse, rape, violence)
* My daughter, you have no idea of the bountiful blessings instore for you
* I (God) can't do anything unless you yourself believe you deserve good things

This is what I did to get on the road to recovery: I started thinking about Him more than him (not easy but it was the only way out). I also finally let my pride down and allowed others to pray for me because I was weak and weary. Well it's only been a month and a half, and I've been waiting to write this post to you, and I know for me to let go in a few short weeks, had to be God's doing. 

Here is the prayer which helped me (Brother Matthew had it printed and instructed me to say it daily):

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

I haven't seen any updates from you since Jan.. I hope you are doing ok.

[Nathanael]

Encouraging and helpful post Starry :) bless you.

Hope you are doing ok Boggled. It is possible to meet someone else who totally makes you feel wonderful and loved. It can take alot of time, but if you focus on being kind, caring, and giving, you have a good chance of meeting someone who will make a marvellous husband.

[mind boggled]

Hi...Im sorry it took me till now to get bk. on line ...Ive been through a lot of trials since this post...I think myex fiance will always be in my heart....been through lots of trials & a bad relationship Im praying for peace to leave....a man cray bout me decieved me.....maybe thats why I keep hanging on to my love for my ex fiance....appreciate prayers for revelations & peace...thanks fro that beautiful verse starry night...it inspired me   .....thanks nat. for encouragement...I know there is someone out there...have to pray to God he brings him to me....thanks my christian friends! God bless!!!!