Help when a spouse rejects faith ?

[constantsorrow]

Guys - Thanks for the support. I needed to vent. We're trying a counselor. On that note, I've deleted the post. We're both computer savvy and if found, this would do more harm than good.

[larry2]

1 Peter 3:1. Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

Dear constantsorrow, you state you pray and according to the will of God you will definitely receive an answer. Whether it is what you want is up to Him because God is working all things for the good of those which love Him.

In 1 Peter 3:1 above, substitute the word "Men or husband" for wives, drop the phrase be in subjection, and insert the new phrase "Love you wives so they know how much they mean to you."

It will now read; "Likewise, ye men, Love you wives so they know how much they mean to you; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the manner of life of the husband;"

Pray, do that which is right, and allow God to make the needed changes in both of you. God bless you dear brother, get some sleep, and be content and at peace with God's decision; nothing is hard for the Lord, so look for the miracle of healing to your life in Jesus' name.

[Nathanael]

So sorry to hear about what you are going through ! It is very painful to say the least. I can relate. It sounds like you are doing all you can. Your wife seems to be being drawn away from God by others and by her own inner battles. Its a narrow road and many stumble along the way, sadly we cannot control how people think and behave, we can only be loving and faithful and pray that God will intervene. Incidentally, It does not seem that you promoted her heavy drinking so don't carry guilt about that. Continue to love her and pray. I will pray that she turns around. We cannot know for sure what will happen, God does not prevent every abandonment by marriage partners, sometimes He works a miracle sometimes not. Trust Him that as YOU continue to walk with Him that you have a blessed future even if right now all seems bleak.

You deserve better than "I will do what I want cos I am an adult"..that is not love but selfishness. But repay bad with good...demonstrate the power and reality of your 'version' of Jesus by loving her in the face of her behaviour. Deal with anything that she has told you about that she feels is unfair or wrong, such as  not helping around the house (not saying you don't its just example) undertake the 'Love Dare' and avoid arguements about homosexuality, only state your beliefs gently and lovingly and don't be drawn into arguements. Be gentle and full of grace toward her and her friends and family, without compromising scriptural values. Ultimately one person cannot save a marriage it takes two, but you can pray and act. It will go one way or the other. I understand your weariness. Get some good guys around you to pray and encourage you and don't give up yet.

[Apothecary 4 Christ]

Dear brother,

One of the ways to begin restoring a broken relationship is by displaying a broken heart.  I would suggest you humble yourself and ask for your wife's forgiveness for 2 specific areas you have mentioned:

1) Being the spiritual leader in your home, one of the biggest priorities is leading your family in regular church attendance.  I know many Christians today think this is only minimally important, but my own experience and understanding of God's Word is different.  Maybe there was simply NO way to avoid this...but from what you have written, I would say that you could still, if needed, have driven an hour to go somewhere faithful.  Ask your wife to forgive you for taking her out of the regular, public context of worship, fellowship, preaching, teaching, sacraments, service and accountability.

2) Alcohol.  If your wife was uncomfortable with a Christian using alcohol, we have no business trying to make her change her mind on this.  She was, in this area, you "weaker brother [or sister]" and you should not try to change her but rather accommodate this weakness patiently.  Ask your wife to forgive you for ever trying to change her views on this. 

Having done this, I suggest that you tell her that you love her and intend to be the best possible husband for her that she could imagine.  Love her like Christ loved the church.  Be a spiritually mature man.  Go to a faithful church, alone if you have to, but do everything you can to make sure your wife knows you are going for the purpose of pleasing Christ so that you can be the best father/husband you can be.

Additionally:

1) Personally I would look into seeing a good, solid Biblical counselor for YOU.  You need someone to be accountable to as you try to work out how best to please God in this trial.  Preferably a pastor you know and will see weekly.

2) Expect this to take some time.  This will not be "fixed" in a few days or weeks. 

3) I would let the smoking thing go for now.  Too many other issues to deal with.  However, I would not allow marijuana in your home (not saying that you have done this). 

Brother...my heart goes out to you.  May the rich grace of God be with you.  Keep praying. 

" My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him." (James 1:2-5)

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19)

Jason

[Seva]

I think you should be loving and understanding, but at the same time you need to be firm and unbending.

The "love dare" is one extreme.

"Love must be tough" is the other extreme.

My advice would be to read both of these and go down the middle.

Some of her crud you should put up with, as she you. But when it involves immorality you should always confront and be a horses behind about it.

Research legal advice and be prepared. Just because you research does not mean you need to go through with it, but you need to be in the know.

[constantsorrow]

Brothers, thanks for the words of encouragement.

I've been spending a lot of time blaming myself for the whole situation.

She hasn't gone down the line of marijuana yet, but I didn't think that things would get to this point, I guess I'm losing trust in her and that scares me the most.

I know this is a turning point, but I am realizing that its going to be a turning point for me (and our child), not for her (at least not now.)

Ugh.

[Michigan Mike]

This might not be what you want to hear, but I believe we need to be honest and forthcoming.  Every time I hear about what he has done/not done or she has done/not done, I'm conscious that there is another side of the story.  No matter how convincing the story is, the person on the other side is likely telling someone something that is a game-changer.  I know you don't want to hear that it's your fault, but I'm not saying that.  I'm saying I don't know, given half of the story.  I've been with men giving their side, and it was so convincing, I was ready to seek out the woman and go kung Fu on her!  But I found that surprisingly, that she had a story I was unaware of; he was doing this and that!

Sorry, brother, but all I can say is what's been said to you & me in scripture. Love her.  Lead her.  If she defies it, love her and lead her again... and again, and again.  I'm sorry if I'm not sounding responsive, but I don't know half of what I'm to be responding to. I pray you have the support to do the hard things and that she comes to have her Godly Love for you. You stood before God and pledged yourself to her.  All you can do, in your power, is to honor what you pledged to Him. 

I'm so sorry that you're heart is grieving. 

[constantsorrow]

Guys - Thanks for the support. I needed to vent. We're trying a counselor. On that note, I've deleted the post. We're both computer savvy and if found, this would do more harm than good.

[Cally]

I'm not married . . . but I think it's important not to be hard on yourself. It sounds like it hurts like crazy.

The walk of faith is one where we face betrayals between (biological) family members and spouses--what I'm saying is, her walk with God is not under your control, so I hope you don't find yourself feeling guilty about that.

Under influence, yes--that is, you can be an influence to her. You can do the right things, do the best you can, but try not to be hard on yourself over the results about what she CHOOSES to do.

I sure sympathize with married people who deal with the faith issues of their spouses (whether in her state or an unbelievers altogether). My prayers for you, sir.

[Nathanael]

Sorry for what you are facing brother. Sounds like you are doing all you can to save the marriage single-handedly. But at least she is going to counselling. Scripture puts the focus on the unbelieving spouse being the one who has initiate seperation, but how you stay sane in the middle of all this I dont know. All I can say is keep loving and doing your part.

I am wondering if the advice in the 'Love must be tough' book may be what is needed now, as this is a recurring issue. Its unbearable to be with someone who does not want to be with you. Bear in mind though that things can turn around. I have close friends who had a really rough year, the wife was an the verge of abandoning the marriage, the husband remained firm in his total commitment to her and kept on being loving and patiant. He hurt alot and despaired at times but his wife came through the other side and when she could once again commit he was there with arms open wide.

I know thats not a magic wand that applies to all marriages, but its one possible path. God spoke to her throught the Bible, and maybe one of the big problems is that your wife is shutting God out, and he won't necessarily break down the door.

[IAMOK]

This might not be what you want to hear, but I believe we need to be honest and forthcoming.  Every time I hear about what he has done/not done or she has done/not done, I'm conscious that there is another side of the story.  No matter how convincing the story is, the person on the other side is likely telling someone something that is a game-changer.  I know you don't want to hear that it's your fault, but I'm not saying that.  I'm saying I don't know, given half of the story.  I've been with men giving their side, and it was so convincing, I was ready to seek out the woman and go kung Fu on her!  But I found that surprisingly, that she had a story I was unaware of; he was doing this and that!

Sorry, brother, but all I can say is what's been said to you & me in scripture. Love her.  Lead her.  If she defies it, love her and lead her again... and again, and again.  I'm sorry if I'm not sounding responsive, but I don't know half of what I'm to be responding to. I pray you have the support to do the hard things and that she comes to have her Godly Love for you. You stood before God and pledged yourself to her.  All you can do, in your power, is to honor what you pledged to Him. 

I'm so sorry that you're heart is grieving. 

Very true! As a husband of a wife who has never been grounded or  walked in the spirit I have had to suffer for Jesus..Probably the hardest thing I will ever do...This has caused me to grow. The growth has enriched me but put more space between us spiritually.
I pray that I would be the Christian man I'm supposed to be so that I wouldn't hamper anything..But!! Its so hard when I wish to lead but my wife also wants to lead and disregards the scriptures. Wouldn't be so bad but I think she's Narcissistic. Selfish in the extreme and of course I can't do ANYTHING right...I'm a broken man trying to stay focused on Christ and Love my wife..
People get deceived by you know who..SATAN. The world seeps in and robs them of joy and the truth and in turn they try to destroy anything good. We are to walk a narrow path and in that path will be joy.
If what you are thinking isn't the truth then what you are feeling isn't reality. Stay grounded in truth and Satan will flee.
God Bless you! Never break a vow!

[constantsorrow]

So as a follow up -

About a year ago when this thread was started, I was worried about her 'loss of faith', pulling away from our son and I, her party life (excessive alcohol + considering drug use), etc. One of her main complaints was that I worked to much and wasn't around as much as she wanted (I didn't enjoy partying, large groups, etc). I'm a 'great father', loving, caring, good guy, 'help a lot around the house', but I missed the mark somewhere.

I found a few months later that she attempted/desired (unsuccessfully) to have a physical affair with a mutual guy friend and was (unwittingly?) involved in an emotional affair with a lesbian friend (in another state) from her college years. I was devastated. She backed off the guy friend, but refused to let go / back off the lesbian friend. As we tried to work through this, she 'came-out' and said she was 'bi'. She suggested she wanted to have an open marriage so she could experiment (w/girls and be the third in some cases).  I explained that I wanted a monogamous and clean (no illegal drugs) marriage - these are almost deal breakers for her.  Again - I was pretty guilty about the 'neglect' which I blamed for the affairs - but it doesn't answer the bi-want-an-open-marriage thing.

She moved out. We kept on working on the marriage (counseling, etc) for a few months, slowly trying to rebuild trust .. slowly.  Out of the blue, while on a trip, she met up with her lesbian friend (who she refused to back away from) and smoked pot. She was good enough to tell me... I was very upset. The fragile trust we'd been working on had been broken (in my eyes). Trying to talk about it (hoping I'd hear some sort of apology 'mistake', etc) , she defended her actions and had no remorse. She was pretty mad that I was upset at all. That pushed me over an edge where I felt I was pretty much done.

We attempted to start rebuilding again, but my desire (ultimatum) for a monogamous and clean (no illegal drugs) marriage is still a sticking point. Her point is even if she gives it up, the marriage is unhappy for her (shes agnostic, gung ho for LGBT causes, still parties, drinks heavy, etc.. basically living out the college life she never had while I'm a devout believer)

Kinda at a stalemate. So much prayer has gotten us this far. I know Gods not done yet. I just hope I can make it.

[JohnDB]

I would say let her have the full weight of her choices. Cut her off & kick her out of the house & keep the kids. Then when going thru the divorce proceedings have her show a clean drug test in exchange for the kids. You'll win that one.

She then has to provide you with child support. 

20 yrs later there will be an extreme sense of loss for her. Maybe that will bring her back. Maybe not. But for now protect the kids.

[LucasCowles28]

I would say let her have the full weight of her choices. Cut her off & kick her out of the house & keep the kids.

Agreed, set the example for your kids I wont say divorce is the best way but personally. If my wife did these thing i would tell her I love you but you will not compromise my faith and your children to this foolishness. in the Corinthian church Paul told them to ex-communicate a member living in unrepentant sin. one other note I would make sure it was no fault of my own. I dated a girl for five years before i was a christian and met my wife. I was very jealous and she left me I could not get her back and it still bothers me because I had a child with her and i see my child every other weekend. You said you flt guilty is this satans guilt or the Holy Spirits conviction? Do you show her enough time? Is everything second to her. I only ask because some children will do bad thing if they don't receive attention just to get it. she has this relationship with a lesbian and wants to do drugs.Ask her how can i satisfy you the so thoroughly at you don't need drugs or want to have the types of sexual experiences that are an abomination unto the Lord? and if she give you you and answer that does not go against the Bible Do it with all your heart make her second only to the Lord. forget about wives submit to your husbands remember love your wife as Christ loved the church(he died for it) You might also want to figure out why specifically she rejects the faith (i know it sounds funny witness to your wife).

If she cant let you know what you can do for her, let her to her destructive ways and pray that the Lord sets her apart.

[qbrandon]

I do hope that you two can figure things out for the good of your marriage and if you really love each other I'm sure that you can find a way, God will guide you through this, it is just going to be a rough ride through it but if you guys are both willing to take the chance to do something or at least willing to seek consult then it will eventually turn out for the best. I know that religion can be a very sensitive topic so i wish you all the best! may God give you both wisdom and fill your hearts with love and patience for each other.

[JohnDB70X7]

Replying after the edit (so I am in the dark here on much) but the responses are clue-ful...


If an unbeliever wants to leave, the Apostle Paul said let them leave. You are not bound under those circumstances.

If an unbeliever is willing to remain then they are to be afforded the same exclusivity and obligations a believing spouse would be granted.

If your faith or your spouse are the only two options... you are actually better off without your spouse. And God will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.

I believe it can be a dangerous place to test God on mere whims... but when he is put to the test in  matters such as these (that is your placing your faith and trust in him) he will blow your mind!

I remember a most unlikely public test of God in 1995 when the San Diego Chargers went down to the wire in the play off game with Pittsburgh (in Pittsburgh). Players knelt in prayer openly on the sidelines in those days. And Junior Seau and the Chargers offense and defense team members huddled in a kneeling prayer while the Pittsburgh place kicker prepared for an easy field goal to win the game... TV announcers mentioned it was the birthday of the Pittsburgh Quarterback's mother that day as they showed the kicker pacing steps prior to the snap. Then they showed the Chargers in the prayer circle.

And one of the announcers said, "Well it's between the Quarterback's mother... and God..."

I looked at my wife in our new home in San Diego and said "OMG, we are going to the Superbowl!" The ball had not even been snapped yet but I knew (I mean I knew) with a set up like that in front of millions God had to show his glory and the field goal was missed... and the San Diego Chargers went to the 1995 Superbowl!

I am not advocating blab it and grab it doctrine. I am saying God can be trusted. 

[sesantek]

You need to pray her to have an encounter with Christ. You have the power as a Christian. You are even the husband.