married and celibate - for 3 years

[Qadosh2Him]

My husband and I have been married for 22 years.
He's always struggled at attaining a climax although had no problem getting aroused.  I've had health problems - severe ones, since 2000. Asthma, Psoriatic ARthritis very severely (similar to Rheumatoid arthritis), spinal disease....you get the pictury e.  Sex has at times been physically impossible for me due to severe pain.  This made my husband reluctant to come near me.  then he began to refuse to even touch me...no hugging or kissing - NOTHING.  He claims he is now impotent...which is very possible, considering his prior problems.  

Here's my question:
Is it okay for me to pleasure myself under these circumstances?  We've not been together physically for - at least 3 years now.  And I really miss it and him.  (he is not a believer)...I've never ever even LOOKED at another man in a sexually attracted way.  When I do pleasure myself..it's my husband I am thinking about.
But I still sometimes wonder if I'm doing something wrong.  I figured that what I am doing may be keeping me contented enough not to look elsewhere or to be tempted in that direction...but don't want to wrongly justify myself....
Please give me your opinions...both Male and females among you....

[chosenone]

Has your husband been to seek medical help? It may be that he has low testerone and that the doctor can help with that.
I think the answer is to together find a way to have sex again. Do you take pain killers so that you arent in too much pain during sex? There are certain positions that dont mean that you have to move round too much.I remember seeing a booklet for people who have arthritis and want to have sex.

Now sure about the MB. Its one of those grey areas that The Bible doesnt seem to touch on. You need to pray and ask God to tell you Himself what to do. MY own personal opinion is that its OK used sparingly in certain circumstances(such as when one spouse wont have sex or is away a lot)as long as the one doing it isnt lusting after other people when they do it.

God Bless

[DaveW]

Together is definatly better, but IMO there is nothing wrong with relieving yourself if your mind is on your husband.

Does he know you  are doing this?
Is there any way to include him on at least part of the process?

[Qadosh2Him]

no, unfortunately he will not touch me at ALL - not even hand holding or hugging.  this is heart breaking to me.  My husband has psychiatric issues and the situation is complicated by many experiences we've been through in our marriage...
And re: him visiting the doctor...No, he had a traumatic medical procedure as a youngster--and won't go NEAR a doctor for any issues in that area...And I don't even know if he WANTS help for it.
Things have been slowly improving in our marriage of late and my daughter has moved out now on her own, so I'm praying that all these factors will help the problem to resolve.  I sometimes wonder if he has been cheating on me...but I don't really think so...I pretty much know where he is all the time...or most of the  time anyway.
And re: your question, does he know?  I 'm sure he probably does...but we've not talked about it directly.
Thanks for your opinions ...they have helped me a lot.
Blessings.

[anx]

The physical aspect of marriage is very important to a man. It's often how we open up. It has a profound effect on how we match to a another person and really begin to see them as the one an no one else.

Your husband sounds closed off to you and the world and i think the lack of the physical part, avoidable or not, was a big part of that. Opening him back up may not be simple.

I have a very hard time functioning in my marriage or wanting to hold hands or kiss when there hasn't been sex. It plays a very central role in my ability to love and i think that's true for many other men. After the first several years of my marriage, I realized how little I found anyone else attractive or sexually interesting, but I find my wife extremely attractive and am turned on by her all the time. I realized this working out one day in the gym looking at all the bodies and not feeling anything.

Anyways, even if sex is not possible, a sexual act should be. The difference for me is profound. Sexual rejection or lack of sexual closeness very much hinders my ability to feel love and love. No matter how much I try to not make it like that, I can't.

[TJW]

It is correct that the bible does not mention masturbation.

I struggled through an 18-year marriage in which there was no sex at all for the last 15 years.  I just thanked God that my arms were long enough.

[Supplanter]

I suggest you talk to him directly. He is not a believer and that is more than likely affecting your sex life as well. Christians believe in being unselfish with their bodies in marriage. This is not to mean that sex should be demanded from a spouse, but a spouse should graciously give to their mate. In marriage, the other person's body is not suppose to be denied to the spouse.

However, I'm not sure that unbelievers can full understand the spiritual and practical reasons for this and your husband is truthfully being selfish, whatever the underlying cause.

So, I would suggest that you overcome evil with good. If he won't initiate touching and hugging and kissing then you should with the letting him know the clear intent of what you want it to lead up to and I would say to maybe do something out of character. Sexuality flows from the love you have for him. Try some seductive flirtations. Smack him on the butt or squeeze it when he walks past you. When no one is around in the house flash him or something. Be absurd and goofy if you have to be to let him know that you desire him. And tell him you want him. even if he thinks you've gone mad, at least he may be spurred into action.

And yes I would directly tell him about the masturbation. He may know but it may also be an eye opener for him that you are willing to be so honest about it AND make sure he knows that you'd rather have him than that. AND that you aren't concerned with performance but his effort in the situation.

[epiphanius]

Qadosh2Him,

You haven't mentioned anything about why he doesn't want to touch you. Obviously, your husband has a problem in this area, but even if he has never discussed this with you, you've probably got some insight into this just from being with him.

For example, it could be that he feels rejected because of your disabilities, or that he's afraid of becoming aroused because he might end up hurting you--possibly both.

My guess is that you've attempted to discuss this with him several times, all to no avail. This would not be surprising, as many men are afraid to appear weak in front of their wives. I would suggest making an effort to express your affection in other ways, i.e. both verbally and by doing little things for him, all with an aim to making him feel appreciated without making any emotional demands on him whatsoever (women tend to be emotionally demanding, and it often has the effect of making their husbands withdraw further).

Little by little, you can establish an environment where he feels "safe," and can open up about these matters. I pray that you will find the wisdom to do this.

May God bless you and your husband.

[Qadosh2Him]

Thank you for  this insightful reply.
It' is hard for me to feel that my husband is not simply rejecting me because he no longer cares about me...and this has been backed by many comments he's made...however you are probably right in suggesting that the matter is more complex than that....

And it has been true that on the occasions where I've gone "above and beyond" the call of duty to him, he has responded with a bit more kindness and had even on one occasion made note of the fact that he'd noticed my kindness, where normally my kindnesses seem to go unnoticed and unappreciated.

I know that one thing I really need to do is to listen to his needs (practical ones) that he has expressed to me and to carry them out without any "creative " deviation from his statements.  If I don't do something EXACTLY the way he has desired it to be done, my effort not only goes unappreciated, but resented.  And it has been very hard for me to not throw my own personal touches into the mix and to simply do what he wants and nothing more; nothing less. And here I am not speaking sexually.  Just in every need or desire that he has other than that....

(light goes on)

And it may well be that this same exactitude should have been carried out in our sexual lives as well in order for him to be pleased.  I should have done exactly what he was expressing to me he wanted...although admittedly a lot of that was out of my control.

Thank you for the understanding that your reply has prompted in me.
Blessings
Q

[marcella]

For myself I do not think masturbation is a sin. My husband is in the Army and deployments are LONGGGGGG.. So thinking of him. No I'm not sinning. However if I was thinking of someone else ya its a sin..

[Birdy]

I also agree that masturbation is not a sin. My husband travels for a living and is gone for weeks at a time and then home for a dew days and then he's gone again. We have a great marriage and a healthy sex life that includes masturbation on both our parts.

Q, have you had any progress with your hubby on this? I have this though in my head of a line from a movie (can't remember which one) but the wife looks at the husband and says "Is telling you now that I want to have sex tonight enough of an advance warning?" Maybe he just needs you to be blunt. Men can be like that sometimes...

[Qadosh2Him]

it's been some time since I posted this question.  During that time there has been no progress in terms of sexuality however I've had some insight into the causes of the problem.  Recently, I've gone way out of my way to make my husband feel appreciated and loved....We've begun to eat supper together and to have friendly discussion during those times...and I  had begun to consider possibly taking a risk and approaching him sexually again...The last time i did that, got dressed in a negligee and knocked on his door, was met with flat cold rejection which was very hurtful and is something i'm really not looking forward to risking again.  But things had appeared to change and i was again considering it.  But then I got sick again...with a bad infection/ high fever and respiratory illness which then escalated into my severe problems with asthma and I'm now in the hospital from it.  On the night before i was admitted, my husband, who'd once again turned cold and angry and resentful of me, came into my room and began to yell at me saying 'i will never trust you to be there because you're just going to leave me through getting sick again or dying...I will  not let myself need you. I don't want to be hurt by you again.  He had relaxed his guard and was evidently feeling responsive toward me and this scared him incredibly because my health and life are always somewhat precarious.  i don't know what to do about this..He needs therapy but is not willing.  I don't want him to live with the horrible guilt and regret he will have after I'm gone for his poor treatment of me and for losing out on the only real love he's had.

I've even been considering some rather radical approaches to break this shell of his down and to show him how desperately i want him to be my husband in every sense of the word...But need to pray more about these approaches...I'm not happy with the answer of purely masturbating to substitute.  It IS not much of a substitute although is rather necessary to avoid really  losing my mind over this situation.  Thanks to all of you for your help and further advice is appreciated.

[JohnDB70X7]

My husband and I have been married for 22 years.
He's always struggled at attaining a climax although had no problem getting aroused.  I've had health problems - severe ones, since 2000. Asthma, Psoriatic ARthritis very severely (similar to Rheumatoid arthritis), spinal disease....you get the pictury e.  Sex has at times been physically impossible for me due to severe pain.  This made my husband reluctant to come near me.  then he began to refuse to even touch me...no hugging or kissing - NOTHING.  He claims he is now impotent...which is very possible, considering his prior problems.  

Here's my question:
Is it okay for me to pleasure myself under these circumstances?  We've not been together physically for - at least 3 years now.  And I really miss it and him.  (he is not a believer)...I've never ever even LOOKED at another man in a sexually attracted way.  When I do pleasure myself..it's my husband I am thinking about.
But I still sometimes wonder if I'm doing something wrong.  I figured that what I am doing may be keeping me contented enough not to look elsewhere or to be tempted in that direction...but don't want to wrongly justify myself....
Please give me your opinions...both Male and females among you....

For better or for worse in sickness and in health... sex is a big part of what we are as human beings, but it is  not all that we are. The same is true about marriage.

Masturbation (to answer your question) can become a trap for lust /  fantasizing  and a means of denying your spouse sexual affection... BUT it can also be a means of releasing sexual tension built up from the sex drive God built into us to perpetuate the species before we killed each other off 

You pretty much said sexual intercourse is not an option with your husband so masturbation is about the only thing left to ease the tensions in your own body. He is probably doing it too and just being low key about it.

I can see how some folks would consider this a taboo practice... and I will admit the prescription from the Apostle Paul for being unable to control one's passion is that he should marry (he did not say masturbate which he could have... ) so it may not be a Godly solution, but it is a lesser evil to simply lusting and and in cases where one is healthy enough to have sex... committing adultery... I would say this is a matter of whether or not to eat meat (personal choice)...