Missing my GF, porn without arousal: help!

[wheatley]

Hi guys, i'm new to this forum. I've decided to post here because I don't feel that I'm close enough to anyone in my church to discuss this personal and intimate issue. As you can tell from the topic, some sexual issues are involved so if I have posted it wrongly I apologize!

Some background: I am a young adult, male in mid20s currently going through college. I have been a christian since young. I have been in a serious relationship with my girlfriend who is also a christian (we go to the same church).

Thru our relationship of about a year and a half (she is my first) I have never cheated on her in any physical sense, or even found any temptation to seek anyone else out. However, recently my studies have intensified and at the same time, her work at the office is getting more hectic; hence we are spending less and less time together. While initially we used to go out 4-5 times a week, now we can only manage half that, and even then it is only dinner and talking for an hour or two.

Consequently, I've found myself craving intimacy, because every day or night that I spend alone with my books instead of going out with her I feel very lonely and miss her tremendously. For some reason, a couple of weeks ago I felt the urge to look at pictures of skimpy-clad girls online. Of course, this eventually led to pornography and for the last few weeks, I end up watching pornography except on the nights we go out.

This is shocking for two reasons: first, the last time I watched pornography was waaay before we got together, possibly was 5 to 6 years ago when I was a horny teenager! I got over it when I went to college, joined a christian fellowship there and made the effort to stay off pornography. It has thus been successful until now. I don't know why even when I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I love and treasure tremendously, I still feel such a strong urge to view pornography!

Secondly, unlike the time I was a teen, now porn doesn't arouse me. In fact, I know this sounds strange but when I watch it I just feel "substitute" feelings of companionship and intimacy with a woman, I don't lust or fantasize at the woman on the screen, or even get turned on or masturbate at all. It's just that viewing these material, in some perverse sense staves off the emotion of missing my gf. That's best I can describe such a complex feeling, I hope you understand.

I realize that nevertheless what I have been doing is wrong and needs to be stopped. But I really need to understand why I would gravitate to pornography just because I miss my gf. Maybe I am sick in the head, maybe she deserves better, but I at least want to try and make this relationship work and that includes being faithful to her not just physically but emotionally as well.

[larry2]

Maybe I am sick in the head, maybe she deserves better.

You discovered the answer, and welcome to Grace Centered Christian Forums.

Try the following advice to stop; it's quick and cheap.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw

[wheatley]

Hi larry2,

Thank you for your advice and the funny video. Like you said I have the answer of what to do.

But if it is possible I want to know WHY porn is a problem now rather than when I was a single. If i know there are any triggers internal or external then I would know how to avoid them. Because how I understand it currently is that porn usually fulfills a sexual need but it doesn't seem to be the case here?

[larry2]

There's an old cliché; you are what you eat. At the present you're lonely, but feeding on scantily dressed women will never satisfy you, and the need for more immorality always ensues.  Sexual gratification you're attempting to use as a substitute for seeing your girlfriend is certainly not the answer for loneliness as you have found out, but what to do instead is something many a soldier has dealt with since time begin I reckon. Set down and write letters to her in those times you want to be with her and can't. You will learn to think only of her, and she'll treasure them for the remainder of her life. Sometimes we can write sweet and tender things in a letter we cannot say face to face.

God bless you in Jesus' name

[wheatley]

Thank you very much;

I am actually very blessed to live in an age I can just call her or text her or write emails or even skype. Even a ten minute video call at night would probably be good enough for me and I honestly can't imagine why not.

As for the reasons, do you think it might be that I am placing too much emphasis on the physical aspect of our relationship rather than the other aspects? Hence when she is not physically there, I seek to substitute pornography to get that feeling?

[larry2]

To me, without the one you want to be with is all the reason you need, but we have an enemy that would plant those seeds. I have pasted this before but it seems appropriate in this case, and it is from Pilgrim's Progress if you're familiar with it.

To even be writing about the problem, there is something you don't have control of, and that is the situation Christian of Pilgrim's progress finds him in.

Have you fought bad thoughts, thought stupidly, and wonder if you're saved; how can these things be even in prayer if you're really in Christ? In this case, how can I really say I love my girlfriend and have these other thoughts?

< - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >

John Bunyan had similar thinking. The following is an excerpt from the book "Pilgrim's Progress" by John Bunyan. Wicked ones whispered to Christian on his trip from the city of destruction to the celestial city.

One thing I would not let slip; I took notice that now poor CHRISTIAN was so confounded, that he did not know his own voice. And thus I perceived it: just when he was come over against the mouth of the burning pit, one of the wicked ones got behind him, and stept up softly to him; and whisperingly suggested many grievous blasphemies to him--which he verily thought had proceeded from his own mind. This put CHRISTIAN more to it than anything that he met with before, even to think that he should now blaspheme him that he loved so much before! Yet could he have helped it, he would not have done it; but he had not the discretion neither to stop his ears, nor to know from whence those blasphemies came.

In Jesus' name

[anx]

I think you answered your own question in part. You do it because it drowns out the loneliness. You have found out that it makes you no longer feel sad / lonely / and missing her. Those feelings suck. They are part of a relationship however. Dealing with difficult and negative emotions in a healthy way is the only way for 2 people to make it.

I agree that its a little strange you aren't turned on by it or turning to porn for that reason, but seeing naked people cranks up our dopamine (feel good brain drug), which often leads to arousal. You don't want to feel bad so that is an easy way to feel good or make the bad feelings go away.

Nothing is crazy in your story and your not broken or weird. You miss her because you love her. You substitute things in her place when you can't meet because you don't want to be sad. That is totally normal.  The only slightly strange thing is you turn to porn to feel good and don't finish that up with arousal.

When I have failed and looked at porn at least half the reason I do is to make loneliness if boredom go away. Drive is usually the other half of that.

[happypromises]

Because how I understand it currently is that porn usually fulfills a sexual need but it doesn't seem to be the case here?

I think your understanding of the problem isn't quite right.   Many (unmarried) men think they look at porn to cure their loneliness and if they get married and have a normal sex life, they will be 'cured'...but this is not true.   Addiction to porn is rarely about meeting sexual needs (if it was...why are so many married men, having regular sex so addicted to it?), but about meeting un-met emotional needs.   Basically, what you see stimulates you and gives you a rush of 'happy' hormones, even if doesn't flick the switches sexually.    But please don't make the mistake of thinking if you saw your girlfriend more, that this problem would be 'cured'.   It might go away for sometime, but next time you have a fight or a seperation, it will be there again to welcome you with open arms.    And porn only gets worse - after a while, what you look at does not meet your 'needs' in the same way, so you go looking for something even 'better'.   It is a degenerative disorder - like a cancer.

If you have cancer, you don't eat more vegetables or just stay away from other people with cancer - you get aggressive treatement, you face it head-on and you DEAL with it.   If you ignore ir or just hope it will go away, it *might* for a while, but it will come back.

So, your solution?  Speaking as someone who is a woman and doesn't struggle in this area...but my partner does, you have to face up to it and admit there is a problem.   If you can, consider telling your girlfriend, get some accountability from your church or pastor and get some software on that computer.   Go on a fast, throw yourself at God and tell him you do NOT want this in your life and ask for help to recognise the triggers before it's too late.  Plan your week in advance - you must know when you won't see your girlfriend so make real plans to be doing something constructive on those nights.  Volunteer somewhere, do church stuff, keep busy...and all the while, ask God to fill your heart and mind with HIS love...so that in time, as you practice restraint, you will stop feeling the 'need'.  

That WAS a funny video (I chuckled out loud at that!) and it is true.  You have to make a decision to STOP IT.  Stopping is easy....but staying 'stopped' is the difficult part, so get yourself a support team.   Stop it...and then allow your support team to help get you through the hard part.  The longer you stay abstinent, the better it will get....and the better your relationship with your girlfriend will be.

Link deleted per rules 3.1 & 3.3

[seasonedbygrace]

Hi guys, i'm new to this forum. I've decided to post here because I don't feel that I'm close enough to anyone in my church to discuss this personal and intimate issue. As you can tell from the topic, some sexual issues are involved so if I have posted it wrongly I apologize!

Some background: I am a young adult, male in mid20s currently going through college. I have been a christian since young. I have been in a serious relationship with my girlfriend who is also a christian (we go to the same church).

Thru our relationship of about a year and a half (she is my first) I have never cheated on her in any physical sense, or even found any temptation to seek anyone else out. However, recently my studies have intensified and at the same time, her work at the office is getting more hectic; hence we are spending less and less time together. While initially we used to go out 4-5 times a week, now we can only manage half that, and even then it is only dinner and talking for an hour or two.

Consequently, I've found myself craving intimacy, because every day or night that I spend alone with my books instead of going out with her I feel very lonely and miss her tremendously. For some reason, a couple of weeks ago I felt the urge to look at pictures of skimpy-clad girls online. Of course, this eventually led to pornography and for the last few weeks, I end up watching pornography except on the nights we go out.

This is shocking for two reasons: first, the last time I watched pornography was waaay before we got together, possibly was 5 to 6 years ago when I was a horny teenager! I got over it when I went to college, joined a christian fellowship there and made the effort to stay off pornography. It has thus been successful until now. I don't know why even when I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I love and treasure tremendously, I still feel such a strong urge to view pornography!

Secondly, unlike the time I was a teen, now porn doesn't arouse me. In fact, I know this sounds strange but when I watch it I just feel "substitute" feelings of companionship and intimacy with a woman, I don't lust or fantasize at the woman on the screen, or even get turned on or masturbate at all. It's just that viewing these material, in some perverse sense staves off the emotion of missing my gf. That's best I can describe such a complex feeling, I hope you understand.

I realize that nevertheless what I have been doing is wrong and needs to be stopped. But I really need to understand why I would gravitate to pornography just because I miss my gf. Maybe I am sick in the head, maybe she deserves better, but I at least want to try and make this relationship work and that includes being faithful to her not just physically but emotionally as well.

It's so cool that your here, opening up, and seeking some input  .
What I've found for myself over the years, when it comes to dealing with my own temptations and issues, is to continually stay in God's word, and be aware of the verses that seem to pertain to you and your "Stuff". God's word is alive and active and can have a huge impact on overcoming struggles, and we'll all have them.
Right now with school, the idea of taking the time for reading your Bible may sound a little difficult,, but it sounds like you have enough spare time for porn, SOOO... maybe you could stay off the computor, pray for God's leading and wisdom, and open up His word and maybe start developing a different pattern and source for dealing with your lonliness and emotional pain in a very healthy way. We all eventually develope "Band-aids", good or bad, for healing or dealing with our pain, so maybe letting God speak to you could act as a "Shield" to going down the road to destruction, which porn always is, if not dealt with successfully and quickly.

Committing God's word to your heart (memorizing) has been the biggest help in my own lif. Porn isn't a problem for me, but I've had my issues just like everyone else.- Satan never lets up and you need the "Armor of God" (Memorized Word) to protect you.

I have a verse memorized for every issue and temptation in my life, and believe me it works every time to call on God and say those verses to yourself, and remind yourself who you want to be for God, knowing that the "GOOD" choice are going to bless your life for now and eternity.

This is the time of your life when you start developing a pattern for thinking and doing for the rest of your life. All your decisions will take you down a road leading to either blessings or destruction, and you get to choose.

Gods blessings
Seasonedbygrace

Philippians 4:8-9
Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is PURE, whatever is lovely, whatever is kind, if there is any excellance, and if anything worthy of praise, LET YOUR MIND DWELL ON THESE THINGS....and the God of peace shall be with you.