I feel stuck and I'm not sure how to proceed...

[TroubledMike]

First, let me admit that I am stuck in habitual sexual sin.  I am married with two children (boys ages 3 and 1).  We are members of a non-denominational church and I have been a Christian since I was in high school and rededicated my faith in March 2006.

I have watched porn regularly (at least once a week) since I was 18 and the frequency can go from once a week to multiple times a day...  I am 34 now.  So that's what?  16 years of looking at porn...  Over the past year, I have stepped it up a notch in that I have been chatting on-line with other women and have also met 3 women in person that I have met on-line...  So I understand that I have dishonored God, my wife, my church, and my body and now things are coming to roost in my heart and I don't know what to do next.  I feel dark, alone, and isolated and I am not sure what my next steps should be.  I know that I need help, I know that I have ruined God's plan and design for marriage.

I am not looking to be scolded on this forum, but if I am, I understand where you are coming from.  Instead I am looking for practical advice.  I know that to truly allow the Holy Spirit to change me that I need to bring this to light.  But my concern is that if I bring it to light with my wife, she will split and take the kids with her and a huge chain reaction will take place in how my children are raised...  Do I talk to my pastor first and get his guidance?  Do I confess to him EVERYTHING with the concern that he will expose me?  I feel stuck because this is not something I can tell anyone without getting judged or forced to tell my wife...  I imagine some of you will view me as selfish, I am scared and don't know where to turn...  What ideas do you have?  Thanks all - God Bless

[cs80918]

I've done worse and it hurts.  I don't know if this helps, but God is working on fixing you even though you are doing this.

I don't suggest going to your pastor he might not be equipped to handle this, go to a Christian sex addict therapist.

and no don't go to a female, go to a male.

Do not tell you wife, women usually can not relate.

When sexual sin grabs you it is like it has a hook in you and drags you to do this things it his like a demon grabs you and entices you all the way.

There are some ministries that specialize in this.

One way or another God will fix you of this.  You can do it the easy way or the hard way.

The hard way is getting caught, getting a divoce, going to jail, getting a std, getting someon pregnant, being a politican on TV and all this comes out in the public etc.

The better way is to pray, fast, read your bible daily, get qualify help from other Christians. 

[TroubledMike]

So the problems with going to a Christian sex addict therapist (which is an idea I like and am open to) is that I don't know how to tell my wife that I need to go to a sex addict therapist that we would need to pay for.  I can't just do this incognito because we both keep a very tight grip on the purse strings.  Do I admit to her a lesser offense (that will still really upset her) and say the therapy is for that?

I have been praying all day for God's guidance in this and reading Jeremiah 29 and James 1...  Fasting is an excellent idea as well...  Thanks friend.

[johndoo]

Mike,

I was in a troubling situation too.  To the point of becoming increasingly depressed.  I went to a Christian counselor.  He didn't advertise that he was a specialist in addiction but he certainly knew plenty about addiction.   The lasting "cure" for these problems is not only change the behavior but to get at the core of what drives the behavior which may be childhood issues, personality issues, mental illness, etc.  Foremost, you have do this for yourself because it is destroying you. You can tell your wife that you feel increaingly "dark".   After dealing with your issues,  you can be more fully present for your wife and children.  Although there is healing that can take place from an open confession, you need to talk to the therapist about that.  There is a place for using the therapist as a place to confess to protect the marriage and children.  There are free 12-step programs that you could go to (sexaholics annonamous) and there are free counselors that you can call via focus on the family. 

[Link]

If I look at something inappropriate or look at women walking by and entertain inappropriate thoughts, there is a pretty good chance my wife will sense it or have a dream about it.  It's like built in accountability.  It is good if you have accountability with your wife on this issue.  This sort of thing will no doubt hurt your wife.  I suppose every wife is different.  Have you slept with these women you met with?  Clearly, it was inappropriate even if you did not. 

Whether you start out with confessing to your wife or not, you do need someone to confess this to.  Do you have someone you trust in a cell group, maybe, from your church?  Find an accountability partner that you pray with every week who will ask you every week if you have watched porn.  There is software I heard about that will send all the websites you looked at to someone else.  If you let your wife in on your secret, she could learn how to search your websites from some directory on your computer that catches things you can delete in your web browser and check it every week for accountability.  You could also use the Internet if you need to with your pictures turned off, so you can't show any .jpg or .gif files. 

Some people have to use a computer or even the Internet at work.  But if you don't, why not just get rid of your computer altogether.  I remember in that movie Fireproof where the main character just takes his computer outside and destroys it to help him overcome his porn problem.  If you cut yourself off from sources from porn, it may help with the temptation issues. 

Ultimately, I believe you are going to have to get your wife involved.  Maybe you could start some marriage counseling even before you tell her.    You might expose her to teaching that discourages divorce and remarriage, for example, this, <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0P_Sg6Pqfo>.  But I think you will eventually have to tell her.

[TroubledMike]

Thanks to everyone for the advice...  I am seeing a counselor right now (hoping to be able to keep it under the radar for now)...  Also I have found a website affairrecovery.com that gives me some hope that at some point I will be able to make my marriage whole again...  I still haven't disclosed to my wife, but I am coming more to the understanding that I will have to talk to her about it at some point...  I am trying to buy my time until after Christmas and the new year...  That probably sounds pretty selfish, but I figure it's better to wait until after the holidays pass so her and the kids can stay happy through that season...  I'll keep this forum updated on progress that's been made.  Thanks again...

[cs80918]

I could be wrong, but I don't see how admiting this to your wife will help anything.  Confess your sins to God.

[TroubledMike]

Yeah - I guess I feel that confessing my sins to my spouse is just as important so we have the ability to heal...  I thought I would pass along this article that I found that has been pretty instrumental in forming my opinion...

http://www.affairrecovery.com/after-affair-tell-or-not-tell

I am planning on waiting until the new year so that we can at least have one last peaceful Christmas...

[cs80918]

Yeah - I guess I feel that confessing my sins to my spouse is just as important so we have the ability to heal...  I thought I would pass along this article that I found that has been pretty instrumental in forming my opinion...

http://www.affairrecovery.com/after-affair-tell-or-not-tell

I am planning on waiting until the new year so that we can at least have one last peaceful Christmas...

This might end your marriage instead of healing it.

[mark s]

Hi Mike,

I'd think very carefully about telling your wife.

As a Christian, you can be assured that God will ultimately remove this from your life.  You are in that process now.  You are seeing the bad behavior of your flesh escalate, and you realize you are in a danger zone.  

Now is the time to clean this up, and you are already taking steps to do so.  The most important is to give it over to God.  The truth is, no amount of human decision, willpower, whatever, will overcome the lusts of the flesh.  But the Spirit of God living in you already has.

(I am writing on the assumption that you are truly born again.  Please see this thread for more info on "born again".)

Your mission is to allow the Holy Spirit to guide your behavior, and when you do that, porn and other behaviors simply go away.  If you are doing the right thing, then you are not doing the wrong thing.  It's as simple as that.  The flesh wants what it wants.  But it doesn't actually have any power.  The power has been broken.

But this is my point.  You want disclosure.  But what disclosure is appropriate?  And what disclosure is useful?  And what disclosure is loving?

This is how I define Christian Love:  To commit yourself to the well being of another person.  That is, to do what you believe is best for them, to care for their physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental needs.

Whose needs are you serving when you tell your wife you've been giving yourself to other women (either in fantasy or reality)?  It that serving her needs?  Or yours?

And how does she benefit from this knowledge?

Yeah, she knows you aren't there for her.  But does she want to know that you've found a thousand other women more appealing then her?  Or does she just want you back?

I want to protect my wife from all harm, and that includes from myself.  Now, certainly there is a balance.  I don't want to keep from her something that she truly needs to know, just to be self-serving.

But while you may want absolution, or just to clear your secrets, or to enlist her in helping to fix you, this could be an act of unspeakable cruelty, from which she, and your marriage, might possibly never recover.

Its bad enough to abandon her and to turn aside to other women.  But now is the time to be the man she needs, the man she wants.

Be the man who cleans up his mess without rubbing her face in it.  Become the faithful, loving husband by living out your Christianity, without making her pay the price for the sinful works of your flesh.

The breach is on your side.  Fix your side.

Get into a men's discipleship group, with men who are serious about Christian living.  Nothing weak-willed.  Internet Filters are good.  Moving computers to public spaces are good.  Cutting off internet access is excellent.  How serious are you???

You may also want to take a look at the "why porn" thread a little further down.

Will you do what it takes?

If you smash your computer, and your wife asks you why, all you need say is "it's better for me this way".

At the very least, my suggestion, get into a discipleship group, or partnered with an elder, spiritually mature Christian man in regular mentoring meetings (once or twice a week), and get a few more months of growth, and start to get a handle on this thing, and consider who you would really be served by telling her.  

If you still truly believe this is the most loving thing you can do for her, then by all means, go ahead.  And at least you will be able to have this progress to hopefully cushion the blow for her.

But in all times, and situations, act according to what is the very best thing for her, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

Praying for you!

Love in Christ,
Mark

[bemark]

Read the word and pray daily and if that doesn't work,  read it on the hour.When the urge comes go to the word first for15 min and pray for 5

It is the power of God

[winston]

Be a prayerful person even when you feel more evil of yourself because you are fighting an experience enemy.it may take a little while but it will fade away.i was also in the same habit but now am free.maybe your pastor may not understand how a christian can get hooked into that stuff.wish you success

[Edenlife]

First, let me admit that I am stuck in habitual sexual sin.  I am married with two children (boys ages 3 and 1).  We are members of a non-denominational church and I have been a Christian since I was in high school and rededicated my faith in March 2006.

I have watched porn regularly (at least once a week) since I was 18 and the frequency can go from once a week to multiple times a day...  I am 34 now.  So that's what?  16 years of looking at porn...  Over the past year, I have stepped it up a notch in that I have been chatting on-line with other women and have also met 3 women in person that I have met on-line...  So I understand that I have dishonored God, my wife, my church, and my body and now things are coming to roost in my heart and I don't know what to do next.  I feel dark, alone, and isolated and I am not sure what my next steps should be.  I know that I need help, I know that I have ruined God's plan and design for marriage.

I am not looking to be scolded on this forum, but if I am, I understand where you are coming from.  Instead I am looking for practical advice.  I know that to truly allow the Holy Spirit to change me that I need to bring this to light.  But my concern is that if I bring it to light with my wife, she will split and take the kids with her and a huge chain reaction will take place in how my children are raised...  Do I talk to my pastor first and get his guidance?  Do I confess to him EVERYTHING with the concern that he will expose me?  I feel stuck because this is not something I can tell anyone without getting judged or forced to tell my wife...  I imagine some of you will view me as selfish, I am scared and don't know where to turn...  What ideas do you have?  Thanks all - God Bless

Hey brother...I hear your heart! I would say look for someone you respect much, and you trust, someone who can be a spiritual guide to you. Submit youself to him first, and make yourself accountable. This requires openess. You will tell him what has been going on, and agree to pray together, buy teachings and books that will help renew your mind, and if you ever feel the urge again, call this accountability partner.

[ImmigrationDave]

God can work in innumerable ways, but after 20 years of pornography (8 years old to 28) and endless feelings of doubt, shame, spite, efforts failed, and even thoughts of suicide. I stumbled on setting captives free website. I'm not saying i'm 'cured' because temptation slaps me in the face every day it seems, but the approach on that website is totally biblical, free, and in my experience, and answer to 10 years of desperate prayer for help for myself. Check if out if you will, God be with you and the rest of us who are, or have been mired in sexual sin.