Will I ever get married?

[Selfishgiver]

I know this question seems all to familiar and maybe a bit cliche, but I'm 31 loosing my hair, ( I could actually go on about my physical appearance) and I just feel like God simply isn't listening to me.

I've done everything from pray to fast, to begging, to shouting, to demanding, to breaking down and wondering why I'm not important enough to get married. I've heard plenty of routine ramblings like, "How do you expect someone to love you, if you don't love yourself?" Seriously, that question makes me laugh because it's not like I've been totally impatient. I've been asking for a wife since I was in my late teens. Of course in my late teens I was asking for a serious girlfriend that would one day develop into a nice marriage.

Unlike most people I value marriage very highly, yet almost every girl that I've tried to make a relationship out of always ends up the same. The same being that the girl isn't interested in me, most of which I believe has a lot to do with my appearance and income.

Something else came to mind, the verse Exodus 20:5, "...I the LORD your God, am a jealous God..." Well I'm a jealous man and I want to be loved too.

So the question is simple, why isn't God listening to me? He does have the power to send me someone, why won't he? I have friends that are much younger then myself and they've been married for years now. I hate to sound like a child but this really isn't fair.

[anx]

Unfortunately, we can't discern the will of God in your life even if we knew you well. A pastor or someone Godly and close might be able to give you specific suggestions what you need to complete in you before a marriage would work.

You mentioned physical appearance, which is very important to a relationship. Simply, be the best you can be. Don't worry about expensive clothes or whatever, but be in good shape, clean clothes, hygienic and shaven or a well kept beard. Even if you met a great woman who would love you, she needs to find you clean and attractive first. I'll ask since you mentioned it. Why did you bring up physical appearance?

Also, I have lost most of my hair and buzz it to the skin 1 or 2 times a week and I like it. There is a point were a super short haircut simply looks best.

Also, knowing I wanted to be married, I worked out staring at about the age of 16. I hate sports. I ended up enjoying running, but was not even close to competitive. I played some Frisbee and got into that, but for several years I worked out and kept in shape only to attract a spouse. Getting out of the house and doing things with friends was part of that too, but I ran in the dark and cold alone to and from the gym many many days after long days of school or work because I knew it was important.

You mentioned your income. Would be it possible to increase that by getting a 2 or 4 year degree going to school nights and weekend? As long as you are still waiting for a spouse, fill that time with improving yourself.

Truly examine your outlook on life, personality, anger, egotism, or too much or too little confidence. Any of those things can kill a relationship with your perfect God chosen spouse even before it would get to marriage.

Relationships are also very hard. You need to be able to forgive big hurts. Your wife has lied to you for years about how much she spends, or you go through a very rough spot and she calls you horrible names, or snaps at you if you look at other women because she is jelous because her last boyfriend cheated on her, your wife leaves her faith for 5 years, or your marriage is sexless for 2 years that you later find out that it is in part due to the fact she is texting and calling another man she is having and emotional affair with? Can you forgive those, work to fix the marriage even if the issues were largely not your fault, and serve your wife?

I heard somewhere that if peoplr knew how hard marriage would be many would have avoided it. My marriage has been through a 2 year rough spot and 2 separations. It was brutal on me and I would not have handed it in a healthy way if I entered marriage with a selfish, not Godly, or immature. I had to man up and give sacrificial love even when I was getting no or little love in return for the better part of 2 years.

However, I'm still happy I married and I feel like I was built to be married. I do not enjoy the bachelor life. It sounds like you are in the same place and want to be married. Look at yourself critically (not negatively) and find what in you would bother a spouse. Until those are fixed, even if God put your future spouse in front of you tomorrow, a relationship may not be able to start, grow, or stand the test of time.

Another suggestions may be to read christian marriage or relationship books now. I wish I had read some before my marriage. There is so much you cannot know unless you read it, are told it, or learn the hard way through relationship issues. "What I wish I knew before I got married" might be a good book.

Unfortunately, that doesn't answer all you questions and concerns, but I hope some of it can help.

I know it sucks to wait on God. Often there is a reason we wait even if we don't understand that for years.

Blessings

[chosenone]

I can only say that my son has recently married his lovely wife at age 33, my daughter will marry next year age 31, and my close friends son has fairly recently met a lovely girl at age 32 and he also has a fast receeding hair line! It doesnt seem to worry his girlfriend one little bit. Young people today seem to get married so much later, and 31 really isnt old to be single. I know several young people of your age who arent yet married.

Another thing is what do you to do meet others and get to know them? I and my husband,and all the three young people that I have just mentioned, met their partners on good Christian internet sites. None of the three above met people who lived near them, while we live in the south of the UK, one lived in the north of the UK, one in Scotland and one in Wales!
May be worth a try for you. On Christian sites, there are far more women than men, so thats an advantage for you!
God wont bring a lady along to your door, you have to be in places where they go, and maybe get invoved in more things where your chances of meeting a Christian lady are increased.

Two couples in my home group, didnt meet and marry till their very late 30's, and one of them is now expecting their first baby and she is 42!

[Loner]

Firstly welcome to the forum  

Being 31yrs old isn't exactly old and you really shouldn't be so concerned about that.
You say you have prayed and you are aware that the Lord is well able to fulfill your desire..sooo why the impatience?you have placed your need before the Lord so leave it there and stop trying to work things out yourself...trust Him.
Look there can be many reasons why you have not found a wife yet, and I really don't believe that its because you don't love yourself.Perhaps you need to concentrate on the inner man more, women don't place as much importance on the outward as men do IMO and if its the lack of a high income that's putting women off ..then they aren't worth dating, and they would appear to be very shallow.

Scripture tells us that  Psalm 37:4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Remember the Lord's timing is always perfect.

[happypromises]

Attracting people to you, is NOT solely about looks....but about confidence and the way you carry yourself.   The night I met my other half, I didn't really feel any initial spark of attraction.   I didn't think he was ugly...I just didn't really notice him.   But we became friends and he proved himself to be very funny, very sweet, very kind....and so ok, we're currently going through some difficulties, but it wasn't his 'looks' that attracted me at first.   Once I saw the person for who he was, I started to find myself drawn physically to him too.

So, perhaps you need to stop focusing on this 'I've no hair, I'm not attractive' thing and start asking God to help you act, the way He sees you.   Regardless of what has happened in your life, you are still His child, loved, accepted and made just the way He wanted you to be.   Honestly, looks are so subjective...for example, look at (awful, awful, imo!) daing website which was started for 'ugly people'.   Don't know if you read about that....the press had a field day and printed all these pix of so called 'ugly' people who had found true love.    The part that warmed my heart though was reading the stories - the people there were far from society's 'standards' of good looking but oh wow, they were completely and utterly in love with the partners they found on that site, finding them utterly irrestible.

So, don't fall for the lie that you're not acceptable, start acting as though you are, carry yourself with confidence of who you are, as Jesus sees you.  You might be surprised....

p.s 31 is NOT old!  Goodness....

[Selfishgiver]

Unfortunately, we can't discern the will of God in your life even if we knew you well. A pastor or someone Godly and close might be able to give you specific suggestions what you need to complete in you before a marriage would work.

You mentioned physical appearance, which is very important to a relationship. Simply, be the best you can be. Don't worry about expensive clothes or whatever, but be in good shape, clean clothes, hygienic and shaven or a well kept beard. Even if you met a great woman who would love you, she needs to find you clean and attractive first. I'll ask since you mentioned it. Why did you bring up physical appearance?

    well......

To answer your question about my appearance, I could post a profile picture I guess to make it easier. The problem is my own Mother was telling me one night, "You were an ugly baby but I loved you anyway." Uplifting I know! In addition I've just been called ugly by girls while growing up, girls used to only talk to me to get to my brother. In fact not two weeks ago at work one of my RN's (as i am a CNA) saw my brother on Youtube (he's a pretty important Archaeologist for San Francisco) and asked me if he was "seeing anyone" because she was trying to hook her daughter up with someone. I don't want to ramble here but this is what I'm talking about. I don't even enter their radar.

I don't want to whine and complain here like a baby here but this hasn't happen once or twice. This kind of stuff has been happening as far back as I can remember, It used to almost be an everyday event. It's kind of like somebody poking you. If it happened once or twice, you'd just look at the person wondering if they're retarded or something, but when it happens all the time you start to get really annoyed. I hope this information helped.

Oh and the question about the income, I laughed when I read it. Not to be mean, but all I can say is no. Furthered education can not be in my future. I say can not because my brain has a level cap on what I can handle educationally. It's like you get paid a certain amount as what ever you do for a living right? You can't go beyond your pay rate because what you do has a pay cap. Well my brain is the same way, I have a learning disability, so my brain can handle only so much.

I really need to start making my replies shorter.

[happypromises]

I don't want to whine and complain here like a baby here but this hasn't happen once or twice. This kind of stuff has been happening as far back as I can remember, It used to almost be an everyday event. It's kind of like somebody poking you. If it happened once or twice, you'd just look at the person wondering if they're retarded or something, but when it happens all the time you start to get really annoyed. I hope this information helped.

Oh and the question about the income, I laughed when I read it. Not to be mean, but all I can say is no. Furthered education can not be in my future. I say can not because my brain has a level cap on what I can handle educationally. It's like you get paid a certain amount as what ever you do for a living right? You can't go beyond your pay rate because what you do has a pay cap. Well my brain is the same way, I have a learning disability, so my brain can handle only so much.

I really need to start making my replies shorter.

Well, it's kinda simple.  You are what you say you are.  You join a forum and you say you're ugly, you're constantly passed over by others, you can't further your income because your brain won't hold any more....you are angry, sad and upset.   All round, you're right...why would anyone find you attractive?  Would YOU find any of that attractive in a woman?  I doubt it....you'd run a mile.

I'm not talking about false modesty here, but all I see in your posts is, 'I hate myself, I hate myself'.  That is SUCH a negative vibe...I would say it's not you that people are not attracted to, but the VIBE.   People do not like to be around negative people who don't like themselves.

Dude, get into some counselling, discover what's good about you, shake off the past, start to walk tall (fake it, until you FEEL it) and LIKE yourself.   This, 'no one likes me' vibe is like....urrggh.    And it's a total lie that you'd buying into, every time you repeat it or part of it, you're saying, 'Yay devil, come get me, sure...I'll be your dartboard'.

Until you make a choice to get past this, you may just stay 'stuck'.

[seasonedbygrace]

I know this question seems all to familiar and maybe a bit cliche, but I'm 31 loosing my hair, ( I could actually go on about my physical appearance) and I just feel like God simply isn't listening to me.

I've done everything from pray to fast, to begging, to shouting, to demanding, to breaking down and wondering why I'm not important enough to get married. I've heard plenty of routine ramblings like, "How do you expect someone to love you, if you don't love yourself?" Seriously, that question makes me laugh because it's not like I've been totally impatient. I've been asking for a wife since I was in my late teens. Of course in my late teens I was asking for a serious girlfriend that would one day develop into a nice marriage.

Unlike most people I value marriage very highly, yet almost every girl that I've tried to make a relationship out of always ends up the same. The same being that the girl isn't interested in me, most of which I believe has a lot to do with my appearance and income.

Something else came to mind, the verse Exodus 20:5, "...I the LORD your God, am a jealous God..." Well I'm a jealous man and I want to be loved too.

So the question is simple, why isn't God listening to me? He does have the power to send me someone, why won't he? I have friends that are much younger then myself and they've been married for years now. I hate to sound like a child but this really isn't fair.

Think I'll start where you ended.
31, and you still believe in fair?  
I raised all my kids to believe that there is no such thing as fair - Because there isn't. I would have thought by now you would have learned that .

"NOT FAIR" is an immature claim to blame anyone we can for not getting our childish way, as you called it, or trying to use a term to put a guilt-trip on someone in-order to get what you want, instead of growing up and taking responsability for your own life, and what you want.

Remember that getting married is like picking apples or oranges off a tree, there's rotten one's up there, even in church, or Christians anywhere where ever you go that have major problems.
Reading all of your post tells me your not "Quite Ripe" yet like others I've met. You have some "Growing to do" on Christs vine.

Your entire post is nothing but whining and complaining and blaming. Not much of a personality character trait to offer a perspective bride. Women pick up on that sort thinking right away, and will do you way more harm than being "Thin" on top. A bad whinny attitude carries all through an individuals personality, and touches every corner of ones life, including the way you'll treat your wife, and women know that.

With your attitude, if you think you have to offer what a woman needs right now, you're fooling yourself BADLY. What do you have to offer, or are you one of those people just looking because you WANT .....the woman to give to you, without any consideration for her needs - Very common occurance  

If I was you, I'd be out making a life for myself, a really good one with gratitude and thanksgiving for all God has done for you. I'd make some really good friends, go to church, serve others there, and do some volunteering in the community to honor God, and ease the "REAL" pain of someone elses life, and see those that are really struggling, and be glad it's not you. Inother-words, GROW UP. REMEMBER NOW THAT YOU NO LONGER BELONG TO YOURSELF - YOU BELONG TO GOD AND WHATEVER PLANS HE HAS FOR YOU. Life is no longer just about you, its about GOD FIRST and what He wants.

God loves answering our prayers and providing for us, but it's always in His own time when He knows we are ready to "Handle our desires", not just for us, but good for the other person too.

I'd be praying and asking God to make me ready to be acceptale for a mate, 'cause from what I've read here from you, you're not even close to ready .

[Selfishgiver]

I'd be praying and asking God to make me ready to be acceptale for a mate, 'cause from what I've read here from you, you're not even close to ready .
[/quote]

Well then it's great you actually don't know who I am. Because from what I've read, all my explaining has done little to remedy my situation. You want to know who I am? When I go to work I have my RN's and co-workers laughing so hard they almost pee themselves. When I'm with my friends they can't get enough of my hyper, fun, active attitude and they love to hear the new songs I write. (I play guitar) When I was growing up I used to make tons of female friends because they liked how giving I was and what an awesome listener I am. They would always go to me for help. Once at work a co worker of mine got sexually harassed by one of my managers. Who did she run to? Me! That's who, because I've been labled a "safe guy."

Do you think that perhaps I'm having a legitimate problem with finding someone? How about when I really like a girl and try to create something they always don't consider me in that range because I'm such a good friend. Sometimes people just don't have the luck/gift that some others may have.

You know what? I'd be a fantastic catch. In fact I am! I listen, I help, I'm pretty selfless, I'm giving, I'm usually a happy hyper active goofball. I went into debt for some school thing that totally exploded on me, at the same time my Mom was trying to get through RN school. She needed money so what did I do? I gave my Mom the 13 grand that I was supposed to give the loan people. Why? Because I'm just a nice guy.

Thanks for trying though.

[Carwhisperer]

No matter how fat, ugly or boring you are there is someone out there in your league. Roughly 50% of us are men, the rest women, except in China. Beyond that, try some flirting. The next time you go to the grocery store or Home Depot, choose a clerk that you think is in your league. When you get to the register say "How is the grocery business or home improvement business, etc?" This starts a conversation almost every time for me. But if you get shot down don't worry about it. That's the key to winning this game. Don't care about losing.

[Seva]

No matter how fat, ugly or boring you are there is someone out there in your league. Roughly 50% of us are men, the rest women, except in China. Beyond that, try some flirting. The next time you go to the grocery store or Home Depot, choose a clerk that you think is in your league. When you get to the register say "How is the grocery business or home improvement business, etc?" This starts a conversation almost every time for me. But if you get shot down don't worry about it. That's the key to winning this game. Don't care about losing.

CW,

don't you want to know if they are Christian before you hit on them?

Or make sure you're not hitting on a married woman? For some stupid reason alot of married people don't wear rings anymore(why?)

I've had no dates since my divorce. Maybe i'm doing it wrong. But I am more picky than i used to be. Being single is much better than being in a bad relationship.

I'm sure there is a medium between you and me (:

[Carwhisperer]

Well that's a good point, Seva. But of course you can find out later if she has what you are looking for (i.e., is a believer). I have dated too much since my wife and I called it quits. I've been seeing the same girl for about 6 weeks now.  Doesn't being alone suck? I was alone for 1 1/2 years while trying/hoping for reconciliation and I hated it. If you like it then fine but what I'm saying to the OP is that you CAN do something about it. You don't have to sit there and wait for God to do it all.

[chosenone]

No matter how fat, ugly or boring you are there is someone out there in your league. Roughly 50% of us are men, the rest women, except in China. Beyond that, try some flirting. The next time you go to the grocery store or Home Depot, choose a clerk that you think is in your league. When you get to the register say "How is the grocery business or home improvement business, etc?" This starts a conversation almost every time for me. But if you get shot down don't worry about it. That's the key to winning this game. Don't care about losing.

For Christians. the numbers of men to women is greatly in the mans favour as well,  but not sure about hitting on the check out lady. The chances of her being unmarried, having no partner, and being a believer are pretty remote I would have thought.
The best place to meet a believer is at a Christian event such as church, Christian singles groups, Christian internet sites, Christian singles holidays etc etc.

[chosenone]

No matter how fat, ugly or boring you are there is someone out there in your league. Roughly 50% of us are men, the rest women, except in China. Beyond that, try some flirting. The next time you go to the grocery store or Home Depot, choose a clerk that you think is in your league. When you get to the register say "How is the grocery business or home improvement business, etc?" This starts a conversation almost every time for me. But if you get shot down don't worry about it. That's the key to winning this game. Don't care about losing.

CW,

don't you want to know if they are Christian before you hit on them?

Or make sure you're not hitting on a married woman? For some stupid reason alot of married people don't wear rings anymore(why?)

I've had no dates since my divorce. Maybe i'm doing it wrong. But I am more picky than i used to be. Being single is much better than being in a bad relationship.

I'm sure there is a medium between you and me (:

Its good to be picky 

[Seva]

Well that's a good point, Seva. But of course you can find out later if she has what you are looking for (i.e., is a believer). I have dated too much since my wife and I called it quits. I've been seeing the same girl for about 6 weeks now.  Doesn't being alone suck? I was alone for 1 1/2 years while trying/hoping for reconciliation and I hated it. If you like it then fine but what I'm saying to the OP is that you CAN do something about it. You don't have to sit there and wait for God to do it all.

But what other standards do you have than "Gee, they're cute." ?  That's a heartache waiting to happen. Really, believe me, I do see what you are saying. Being alone bites... glad you found a woman

[chosenone]

Well that's a good point, Seva. But of course you can find out later if she has what you are looking for (i.e., is a believer). I have dated too much since my wife and I called it quits. I've been seeing the same girl for about 6 weeks now.  Doesn't being alone suck? I was alone for 1 1/2 years while trying/hoping for reconciliation and I hated it. If you like it then fine but what I'm saying to the OP is that you CAN do something about it. You don't have to sit there and wait for God to do it all.

Isnt that playing with fire, to start seeing a girl and then find out later whether she is a believer or not? By then, even if she isnt you may decide that you will just carry on anyway. For me, I would want to know before we dated that he was a Christian.

[IamStefanie]

Selfishgiver: I understand. People tell you 'you are too young to think about that.' Then they tell you 'if you love yourself first, a mate will come.' BOGUS!!!! Not saying these things aren't true, but if a person doesn't know you will, then they can't assume what you are thinking. We must remember that no one knows the mind of another man. No one knows another man's thoughts. You are having these feelings and you are frustrated. And it's hard when you look in the mirror and you don't feel that you are at your 'prime' physically when you are at an age where MANY are married/engaged/dating by now.
You know the obvious: take care of your body, take care of your mind, take care of your heart, stay rooted in God's word, live your life.
Someone did say it best, none of know the full layout of what God has in store for us. You are 31, but you are not dead. You are 31 and you have life. So, every day you wake up, there is an opportunity for you to meet a wife. Or, truth be told, you may not meet that woman. You don't know how life or how God will change your heart. He knows so much more than we can fathom, it's ridiculous!!! LOL.  I think as a people, especially those of faith, we try so hard to figure out why God hasn't given us kids, or why he has given us a husband or a wife, or why allowed us to look the way we do (especially if we aren't pleased with what we see). But there are simply somethings we CAN NOT CONTROL!!!!!
I can control the way I eat and working out. I can do my hair the way I want. Even though you are thinning, you can make some major changes (google it!). I can change where I decide to go hang out at and how I decide to treat people. But I cannot control the people who will cross paths with me. I don't know who I'm going to see when I'm walking down the street if I haven't planned to see them. My point is, you desires are normal. You want a wife. Fair enough, but don't stop being happy or content even because you don't HAVE something. You have everything that you need. Don't yell at God, LOL. Ask Him are you where you should be now? Is there something you should be doing now. I believe in His infinite wisdom, God will lead you through His word or through someone to give you an answer WHEN YOU ARE READY TO RECEIVE IT. I just believe that and I hope you do too.
I'm 28, so I get it. I think I'm beautiful but I know I don't look like the girl on the magazine or better yet, the girl in the club with all of the guys flocking to her. I'm short, round, kinky hair, and sometimes I have glasses on. And I think it works, for me. And my husband will look at me, whether I'm wearing glasses or I have the body of a swimsuit model and think I am his beautiful woman, his wife. I'm just now getting to the point where I say 'I'm not the problem.' God is not the problem. NOTHING IS THE PROBLEM!!! It's just not my time.
And that's my point to you - enjoy the life God is giving you, have that desire for a wife, and when and if you meet her, it'll be beautiful because you will be all about her...now isn't that a nice thought???

[graciemay]

Hello.

I agree with a lot of the good advice given. As such, I will try not to be redundant.

There was a recent article that said it's not your looks that attracts people, it's confidence and how you make them feel. Yes, everyone needs to be presetable, as in clean and put together. But this statement is absolutely true. So, keep that in mind.

How you feel about yourself comes across whether you are aware of it or not. That's people repellent right there. You need to shed the defeatist attitude and poor self image and change your stinkin' thinkin'. 

Also, your desire to get married may be coming off as to eager?? I don't know, just tossing that out there. You need to relax a little. 31 is not old...unless you ask a 4 yr old and then, well,  you're ancient.    

God's plan. God's time.