Is it okay to withhold sex if it is painful?

[yungmumma]

with the birth of my daughter, i tore, badly. 3 years later, sex is still really painful. Ive seen doctors, who all tell me that its normal with how much tearing i had. everything else checks out to be okay.

my question is, should i just "suck it up" and endure, as this has really thrown a pickle into the marriage, to the point where he is resorting to pornography, or should he continue to suffer with me?

[chosenone]

I was a small lady, who weighed 110lbs. I  had three very large babies(my first was 9lb 10 oz) and had forceps and loads and loads of stiches. It took them 1 hour to sew me up. I was in bad pain for about 6-8 weeks, but after that I had no such pain. I think that its unlikely that this is the cause of the pain, but may be more likely that there is a psychological cause. Maybe the memory of the birth has affected you badly, maybe you are afraid of getting pregnant again because of that. Maybe you think that you will have pain because of what happened, and therefore you tense up and you get pain. Maybe you had pain the first few times and now fear it every time.
I am surprised that doctors say that it is normal 3 YEARS LATER to have pain? It wouldnt take that long to heal, stitches and wounds heal in a few weeks, so why would they say that it is normal to have pain after so long?
Porn isnt the answer either though, as it will only make things worse. Surely there are things that you can do in the meantime to keep your husband satisfied without actual intercourse? Porn is evil and damaging and can destroy marriages, and he will get drawn in more and more. It will also badly damage his relationship with God and it will deeply hurt you. 

[TonkaTim]

You have a serious medical condition that is affecting your life & the health of your marriage.

The intimacy between you & your husband should be a very special bond & should last a lifetime. You & your husband should not be denied this special gift made for the married, but you should not have to suffer either. Currently you are in a lose-lose situation for you & your husband. Sounds like there must be some type of nerve damage & tissue scarring.

I hope & pray you can find a very capable medical specialist that is knowledgeable & sympathetic to your condition and can help. Until then I hope & pray your husband is patient & understanding and does his best to avoid the porn because it can become a compounding problem that will create a distancing between you & him.

[happypromises]

How long has it been since the birth of your baby?  If we're talking weeks here...then I think your hubby is just gonna have to be patient and hold on.  If we're talking months (or years) then you need to get back to the doctor and keep talking and pestering them, until you get some help.

A friend of mine was in a similiar situation - third degree tears and I suspect they tried too early, because she was in agony.  From what she has said, that left an imprint on her mind that made her tense up for the next time...and in a matter of weeks, it became an emotional issue, whereby she couldn't get going, even remotely, because the very thought equated with pain.

I think it depends where you are on the journey really....if you're still having problems months and months later, try and talk to your doctor or a sex therapist.  They can do absolute wonders in helping you to relax and come to terms with what has happened.

Don't forget, you've been through a seriously traumatic incident and it does take time to recover physically and emotionally from that...but don't be afraid too, to ask for help.

I have just prayed for you. :)

[johndoo]

Please start working with a sex therapist to help you find solutions.
ASSECT.org and other organizations can help you find someone qualified.
In major urban areas there are multidisciplinary sex clinics that provide help from different specialists.
Even in largely rural states, the state medical school will have clinic dedicated to vulvar problems/dysparunia.

Rember that sex is more than intercourse.  There are the other commonly used methods and ways to "have sex" that you have never thought of.  Read up on "nonpenetrative sex" or "outercourse".  You can still have an active "sex life" it will just be different.

That being said, intercourse is the highest form of intimacy and I would work to regain it if possible.

[Lavender]

with the birth of my daughter, i tore, badly. 3 years later, sex is still really painful. Ive seen doctors, who all tell me that its normal with how much tearing i had. everything else checks out to be okay.

my question is, should i just "suck it up" and endure, as this has really thrown a pickle into the marriage, to the point where he is resorting to pornography, or should he continue to suffer with me?

I would not say you would be 'withholding' sex ------- you would not be participating because it is painful for you.  There is a difference.  It would be abnormal to want painful sex.  Your husband wouldn't want sex, either, if it caused him pain. Your post sounds as though you are still having sex despite the pain.

Perhaps seeing some more medical doctors would be wise.  We have some wonderful surgeons in this day and age.  Maybe you just haven't come across the right doctor yet.  Don't give up.  Maybe your pain is purely physical or maybe it is something else; either way, you need to find the cause and cure.

About the pornography---- I think I'm stuck on stupid here because I don't get the 'why' of it, so could you please tell me if you have asked your husband why he is using it?  How is no pornography going to cause him suffering?

[chosenone]

How long has it been since the birth of your baby?  If we're talking weeks here...then I think your hubby is just gonna have to be patient and hold on.  If we're talking months (or years) then you need to get back to the doctor and keep talking and pestering them, until you get some help.

A friend of mine was in a similiar situation - third degree tears and I suspect they tried too early, because she was in agony.  From what she has said, that left an imprint on her mind that made her tense up for the next time...and in a matter of weeks, it became an emotional issue, whereby she couldn't get going, even remotely, because the very thought equated with pain.

I think it depends where you are on the journey really....if you're still having problems months and months later, try and talk to your doctor or a sex therapist.  They can do absolute wonders in helping you to relax and come to terms with what has happened.

Don't forget, you've been through a seriously traumatic incident and it does take time to recover physically and emotionally from that...but don't be afraid too, to ask for help.

I have just prayed for you. :)

She said 3 years.

[Lavender]

You have a serious medical condition that is affecting your life & the health of your marriage.

The intimacy between you & your husband should be a very special bond & should last a lifetime. You & your husband should not be denied this special gift made for the married, but you should not have to suffer either. Currently you are in a lose-lose situation for you & your husband. Sounds like there must be some type of nerve damage & tissue scarring.

I hope & pray you can find a very capable medical specialist that is knowledgeable & sympathetic to your condition and can help. Until then I hope & pray your husband is patient & understanding and does his best to avoid the porn because it can become a compounding problem that will create a distancing between you & him.

TonkaTim -  I really like your sensitivity.  Good post.  Manna to you.

[DaveW]

I will agree with those who have suggested finding a GYN that deals in painful intercourse issues.  You owe it to yourself and your husband to fix this.

In the mean time, there are other ways to keep each other "happy" that would not include that pain, if you KWIM.

[TJW]

One of the best definitions of "sin" I ever heard was "......trying to get our needs met in a way that won't meet our needs....".

Men are seduced into porn attachment by their need to be respected and desired by a woman.   The depicted scenarios tend to carry this
common theme.  It is a similar attraction as created in TV show or movie storylines like Walker, Texas Ranger, Superman, Star Trek, where
the "heroes" fight and never lose, and are admired and pursued by a woman or women.

I think you will find this in your marriage, that your husband needs the pursuit, respect, and admiration far more than he needs physical relief.
After all, we can relieve ourselves with no help from a woman.  But our deepest needs cannot be met by masturbation, only a woman can
do this, and if we are, by God's Holy Spirit, adjusted into His sexual will, only our wives can.

In my own marriage, intercourse is somewhat like the cake icing, but the meat and potatoes comes from her admiration and respect and her willingness to be close and intimate with me.

And, yes, I think that it is "ok" to withhold participation in activities which are painful, if that withholding is not combined with emotional rejection.

[JohnDB70X7]

Ordinarily I refrain from such venues since I cannot imagine the pain of labor women endure and I am not going to insult their intelligence as if I understood what women go through...

But I must say chosenone makes a very good point.