do i love her?

[saintsfan80]

i posted this in another area but just in case i could get more feedback here ill try here as well....anyways im 30 yr old male...been in relationship for 3 yrs....we have had many ups and downs..confusion...fights..breakups....yet it seems we still care for each other......however i sought counseling cuz somtimes i questioned whether or not i was in the right relationship...i was told by numerous christian counselors that i was not and that it wasnt healthy for me emotionally or spiritually....i tried to follow the advice but it turns out we are still talking....ive let her go and after a few weeks i began to question whether or not i did the right thing....when she began to talk to a new guy i became upset and we started talking again..now im back to my confusion and unsure about everything....ive caused alot of pain for both of us...i just wanna do the right thing..i dont know my feelings i feel like...i dont knw what i need to do..ive prayed and prayed but i dont feel like i have a sure enough answer from God about this

[Catholica]

Hi saintsfan, surely this is hard to tell from your descriptions whether you love her.  The model of love for us is our Lord.

Are you willing to lay down your life for her?
If tomorrow she became an invalid, would you be willing to take care of her and be devoted to her for the rest of your life, even without any benefit (worldly speaking) to yourself?
If she hurt you in the deepest part of your being, would you be ready to forgive her?

Surely as people grow together, these questions become easier to answer.  Yet we should consider the answers still, because they can reveal whether the love in our hearts is real.  If the answer is a hard "no" then probably this is a selfish "love" and not truly love at all.  To love someone is to work and hope for the best of that person simply because they are a person.  And marriage is to lay down one's life for his spouse as Jesus loved the Church.

[JohnDB70X7]

i posted this in another area but just in case i could get more feedback here ill try here as well....anyways im 30 yr old male...been in relationship for 3 yrs....we have had many ups and downs..confusion...fights..breakups....yet it seems we still care for each other......however i sought counseling cuz somtimes i questioned whether or not i was in the right relationship...i was told by numerous christian counselors that i was not and that it wasnt healthy for me emotionally or spiritually....i tried to follow the advice but it turns out we are still talking....ive let her go and after a few weeks i began to question whether or not i did the right thing....when she began to talk to a new guy i became upset and we started talking again..now im back to my confusion and unsure about everything....ive caused alot of pain for both of us...i just wanna do the right thing..i dont know my feelings i feel like...i dont knw what i need to do..ive prayed and prayed but i dont feel like i have a sure enough answer from God about this

By relationship you mean having premarital sex?

Confusion, unhappiness, uncertainty about much of anything... these are the lighter problems people have when they do not do things the way the Creator intended.

[JohnDB70X7]

Going back to the question "Do I love her?" setting aside all the details to answer just that one question for us guys.

||||||||| You are now entering the politically incorrect zone so beware, almost no one will agree with this, but it's true |||||||||||

You have been warned...

Most guys (males) are hunter gatherers / broadcasters of seed by nature. That means polygamous. That does not mean it is right. Not all things natural are good... take what necessitates potty training for instance. So, this is not advocating our natural tendency to wander in our minds, fantasies, and especially not in our actions. Because these things have consequences you either totally forget at the time or somehow convince yourself you will beat the odds. And you never will beat the odds.

Galatians 6:7 (KJV)
7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

Numbers 32:23 (KJV)
23 But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against the LORD: and be sure your sin will find you out.

I say these things to warn you, prepare you for the kinds of difficulties ahead.

Women are by nature nesters. This makes them monogamous by nature and pretty much geared for everything involved with the building of the nest the maintaining of the nest and she's already dealt with "do I love him?" before you ever get to that stage (otherwise you would not even be a consideration for the one she will share the nest with.

In the case of the OP, the willingness of his love interest to contact other males suggests he is not very high on her list of nest candidates or that she is too ready to move on. His reaction is typical male "mine mine mine." And most  guys think that's love... Well it actually is a form of love but not the kind of love one has to be willing to be monogamous to, to have his children with, till death do us part. That kind of love is more like that for a car or a boat or a computer or fishing pole. Seriously. Yes there is a bit more to it like exclusivity (whereas all the other items I listed a guy might loan to another guy... but NOT this possession!).

And the reason guys have such a hard time figuring out what true love is, is because we are wired to ever be on the prowl or contemplating other female options. And no, this does not go away even when you fall madly and truly in love with the one... you have to fight off the urges and the thoughts all of your life. And this is what brings us to the definition of true love:

Love is not just a feeling, it is an act of your will.

It is saying no to the "ladies" who offer themselves to you... or even just pretend to... it is saying no to roaming eyes and fantasies about how things could work out with XYZ if things with ABC do not work out... it is putting you wife before your own self interests. If you are unwilling to do these things you can be pretty certain you don't really love her.

[saintsfan80]

Going back to the question "Do I love her?" setting aside all the details to answer just that one question for us guys.

||||||||| You are now entering the politically incorrect zone so beware, almost no one will agree with this, but it's true |||||||||||

You have been warned...

Most guys (males) are hunter gatherers / broadcasters of seed by nature. That means polygamous. That does not mean it is right. Not all things natural are good... take what necessitates potty training for instance. So, this is not advocating our natural tendency to wander in our minds, fantasies, and especially not in our actions. Because these things have consequences you either totally forget at the time or somehow convince yourself you will beat the odds. And you never will beat the odds.

Galatians 6:7 (KJV)
7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

Numbers 32:23 (KJV)
23 But if ye will not do so, behold, ye have sinned against the LORD: and be sure your sin will find you out.

I say these things to warn you, prepare you for the kinds of difficulties ahead.

Women are by nature nesters. This makes them monogamous by nature and pretty much geared for everything involved with the building of the nest the maintaining of the nest and she's already dealt with "do I love him?" before you ever get to that stage (otherwise you would not even be a consideration for the one she will share the nest with.

In the case of the OP, the willingness of his love interest to contact other males suggests he is not very high on her list of nest candidates or that she is too ready to move on. His reaction is typical male "mine mine mine." And most  guys think that's love... Well it actually is a form of love but not the kind of love one has to be willing to be monogamous to, to have his children with, till death do us part. That kind of love is more like that for a car or a boat or a computer or fishing pole. Seriously. Yes there is a bit more to it like exclusivity (whereas all the other items I listed a guy might loan to another guy... but NOT this possession!).

And the reason guys have such a hard time figuring out what true love is, is because we are wired to ever be on the prowl or contemplating other female options. And no, this does not go away even when you fall madly and truly in love with the one... you have to fight off the urges and the thoughts all of your life. And this is what brings us to the definition of true love:

Love is not just a feeling, it is an act of your will.

It is saying no to the "ladies" who offer themselves to you... or even just pretend to... it is saying no to roaming eyes and fantasies about how things could work out with XYZ if things with ABC do not work out... it is putting you wife before your own self interests. If you are unwilling to do these things you can be pretty certain you don't really love her.

wow..perhaps your right about this..sounds a bit like me.