What do you look for in a wife/girlfriend? Shallowness alert.

[Carwhisperer]

My marriage of 17 years ended recently and I have begun to date. I'm 48 and I've been seeing this girl who is 33. She's a teacher like me and is pretty cute. Two young boys which is a real plus in my book.

I go to a Bayside Church in Granite Bay California. It has about 10,000 people who attend. My gf is catholic and goes to her own church. There are many women at this Bayside Church who dress like/look like movie stars. Skinny, blonde, tight jeans with decorations on the butt, makeup, etc. Basically Barbie Dolls. Many of them don't wear a wedding ring. I have dated a couple of them. I think it would be better if they wouldn't dress this way but I like it and am really attracted to it. I can't help comparing my gf to these other women. She is really cute but perhaps not as hot.

So my questions are:

1. How important is physical appearance when searching for a wife/girlfriend? It is extremely important to me. Way more than it should be.

2. I suppose you should look for a good heart too but it seems to me that pretty much all women have a good, kind, sweet heart. I'm sure there are exceptions.

3. How about earning potential? In my marriage I earned all the money which I didn't really mind but I'm kind of intrigued with the idea of having a spouse with a career.

4. I have found that many women seem to be fascinated with older guys like me. I must say that I do have a baby face. Most think I look mid 30's. I saw an old friend the other. She volunteered that I hadn't aged in the last 20 years. That aside my gf seems to kind of like it that I'm much older. Other women I have dated feel the same way. I went out with a 23 year old girl a few months ago. Do you think it's because women age faster (as far as looks go). Maybe they're afraid of looking older than their husbands some day?

5. What about kids? Are you scared off by womenses with kids? I like the idea. I wish I had had more kids the first time around.

[Nathanael]

Hi CW, well I think you need to consider a few things;

There will always be attractive women around, and even if your girlfriend or wife was your perfect ideal in the looks dept, you would still daydream about the grass on the other side being greener.

We need to get our heads straight, and our hearts right. Learn to value more than superficial things about people. Outward beauty is not necessarily an indicator of a good heart, good chemistry, long term appeal, attractiveness or sexiness. Beauty is fleeting.

Lust grows if we do not resist it. Submit to the Holy Spirit and you will not end up being a slave to your fallen nature.

I would urge you to really seek God to be changed in this area. You are in the relationships arena with the completely wrong currency, and you are gonna struggle to ever be happy.

You are aware that you have some disjointed perspectives, thats great. Make sure you let God keep working on you.

answers;

1. All that matters is that you are attracted to her, and that attraction stems from more than just looks, but the whole person. A marriage needs deep and broad foundations, and physical aspects are not enough to bring happiness. They are way short of the power to do that. Of course you should take looks into consideration, but allow a fair bit of flexibility from the model girl fantasy woman!

2. There are many selfish, cold, hard women! Even a 25 yr old babe can be a total bee-otch.  Just like there are loads of selfish, cold, hard hearted men...of all ages. Your focus needs to be on your own heart, being Christ-like. I would say that the heart is significantly more important than the looks.

3. earnings potential is irrelevant, in my opinion.

4. this question says volumes about your maturity bro, what are you rambling on about?  ok...well, yes plenty of women are willing to date much older men. I don't know why. I suspect often its about a father figure issue.

5. Kids should be embraced, if they are part of her life. Just be prepared to invest in them, it can be demanding but also a great blessing for all. Don't underestimate the commitment though.

[Carwhisperer]

Thank you for the reply. I know I have issues. But would you be willing to share YOUR answers to my questions? Not what you know they should be or what you think mine should be but what you actually think for yourself right now. I'm trying to gain some perspective.

[Nathanael]

I hear you....but they were MY answers :)

They are not just spiritual platitudes, I live by those attitudes. They work !

These are things I have learned only in the last three years, since the collapse of my marriage. I spent a very very long time in reflection on myself, my ex wife, and relationships in general. I only discovered certain things about myself and about women as a result of the massive crisis in my life.

I was married to a younger woman (she was 19 and I was 28 when we married) she was very pretty in the classic way. Now I am with a woman who is my own age, who is attractive in a whole different kind of way, very nice looking yes, but not the typical pretty young girl type. She is gorgeous to me, not the whole world. She has an amazing heart and is vastly more tactile and loving than my ex. I feel loved and adored, something I barely ever felt in 15 yrs with my ex. I have learned not to get too carried away by appearances and that under the surface is really important...anyway I am just trying to say that I am talking from personal experience. I am a very visual person, used to be ALL about the aesthetic, so its taken God a long time indeed to shake my worldview in this area.

Outward things are a part of the jigsaw, but have to be kept in perspective.

I went through such a devastating divorce due to my messed up approach to women, I got a new outlook burned into me through it.

Does not mean I don't ever notice a beautiful young woman and feel attraction...just means that I no longer let the look linger, nor the thought hover and settle.

[Carwhisperer]

That's awesome Nathanael. Thank you. I hope to achieve that perspective at some point. For me I still am too caught up in trying to prove my self worth based on who I'm with. The funny thing is I know nobody really cares about it as much as I do. So I guess I'm just proving it to myself.

[Nathanael]

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0256380/

<< Great movie, all about what it would be like if our physical appreciation of someone was based on the quality of their heart, catch it if you haven't already. Also read about when Samuel was sent to Jesse to anoint the new King of Israel, in 1 Samuel 16.

Thanks CW! Yes, its a journey, thats for sure. You have already made good progress, because you recognise your mindset and want to deal with it. I am sure that you will get there. Poor self esteem, pride, the fear of man (over sensitivity to other peoples opinion) are things I certainly recognise in myself.

I guess they will be mind battles we will always face. The key is letting God renew our minds by His Holy Spirit, through focusing on what He says about us in His Word, and focusing on the acceptance and love we have in Him. Sometimes we have to go through dreadful stuff before we can shake off that old nature and finally say "hey God, you are right and I now feel tha same about it as you !" Blessings.

[Ben]

1. How important is physical appearance when searching for a wife/girlfriend? It is extremely important to me. Way more than it should be. 

ANSWER. Of course we men like a real looker, but eventually gravity, wrinkles and fat overtake all of us.  Is she a born again Christian?  Are you?  Being a real Christian is A LOT more important than looks.

2. I suppose you should look for a good heart too but it seems to me that pretty much all women have a good, kind, sweet heart. I'm sure there are exceptions.

Answer, nearly everyone has a "good heart" when compared to another human being, but God looks at the heart, and it is "desperately wicked" until redeemed by Jesus Christ in regeneration.

3. How about earning potential? In my marriage I earned all the money which I didn't really mind but I'm kind of intrigued with the idea of having a spouse with a career.

Jesus said you cannot serve God and money.  Lots of money usually destroys the one who loves it.

4. I have found that many women seem to be fascinated with older guys like me. I must say that I do have a baby face. Most think I look mid 30's. I saw an old friend the other. She volunteered that I hadn't aged in the last 20 years. That aside my gf seems to kind of like it that I'm much older. Other women I have dated feel the same way. I went out with a 23 year old girl a few months ago. Do you think it's because women age faster (as far as looks go). Maybe they're afraid of looking older than their husbands some day?

Answer. VERY FEW of these kind of marriage survive. Check the statistics.

5. What about kids? Are you scared off by women with kids? I like the idea. I wish I had had more kids the first time around.

Answer. Will the kids love and respect you or will they see you as a threat to their mother and their way of life.

Ben
 

 

[Carwhisperer]

OK but what do YOU look for?

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

1.  Comely.  What I mean is, I would rather have a nice looking woman who always takes care of herself and looks "fixed" than a knockout who never does her hair.

2.  Attractive.  It's on everyone's list, ain't it?

3.  Voice.  No Fran Drescher for me.  I couldn't spend 10 minutes with a shrieking mimi.  I'm a sucker for soft accents.

4.  Self-sufficiency.  She needs to have her own car & job.  This is a little flexible - these things can be taught, as long as she's willing.  Part time work is fine.  I just don't want to be a taxi cab. And I'd like her to be able to buy some things without me necessarily worrying about it - out of 'her' money rather than 'our' money.

Jarrod

[Carwhisperer]

1.  Comely.  What I mean is, I would rather have a nice looking woman who always takes care of herself and looks "fixed" than a knockout who never does her hair.

2.  Attractive.  It's on everyone's list, ain't it?

3.  Voice.  No Fran Drescher for me.  I couldn't spend 10 minutes with a shrieking mimi.  I'm a sucker for soft accents.

4.  Self-sufficiency.  She needs to have her own car & job.  This is a little flexible - these things can be taught, as long as she's willing.  Part time work is fine.  I just don't want to be a taxi cab. And I'd like her to be able to buy some things without me necessarily worrying about it - out of 'her' money rather than 'our' money.

Jarrod

Thanks for the honest, non preachy answers!

[JohnDB70X7]

I got such a kick out of reading this. Meaning no offense to you, friend, but it sounded like Alan Harper's memoirs (from 2 and a Half men).

My gf is cute but not as hot....

I expect she might be dumping an old toot of nearly 50 anyway... (I'm 51 so I can call another old toot and old toot)... I am also a former 15 year resident of San Diego (till 2009)... so I know of what you speak.

Are you just wanting to play the field?

Or are you looking for a companion?

You do realize this is a Christian forum and that the Bible speaks against fornication... so the answers here are going to be more like "go back to your wife" or "look for a wholesome woman about your age" and "no sex till marriage."

So my questions are:

1. How important is physical appearance when searching for a wife/girlfriend? It is extremely important to me. Way more than it should be.

Wow... what did your ex look like?  And was it a factor in the divorce?

2. I suppose you should look for a good heart too but it seems to me that pretty much all women have a good, kind, sweet heart. I'm sure there are exceptions.

Quite a few actually. Read Proverbs (all 31 chapters and find what a rarity the one in chapter 31 is).

3. How about earning potential? In my marriage I earned all the money which I didn't really mind but I'm kind of intrigued with the idea of having a spouse with a career.

Okay you REALLY should post this in the women's forum... 

FYI I am 31 years married now to a gorgeous woman who was a news anchor on TV back in the 70's when looks were most important for women on air. She had the Farrah Fawcett look only much better (not exaggerating) and the body that women even even to this day. She was a career woman until 2003 when work and taking care of home (I mean I helped but let's face it guys just don't have the knack) burned her out (that and UCSD took extreme advantage of her above average work skills in the R&D department... when she quit they had to hire two full time replacements at higher level pay (we had such a law suit against them but she was too ill to put her through that). Still a knock out to this day. And much recuperated.

I give this to you as background so you can't think of me as a D list bum who married a sack of potatoes because she's all who could stand me.

God has a mate for us. We hinder God's matching us up with our desperate search for Ms Right or our desperate quest to deflower as many females as possible.

Point being, you have to make up your mind what you want to do. Just remember there is a big price to pay for not doing things God's way. And there is a lot of happiness in doing things his way.

4. I have found that many women seem to be fascinated with older guys like me.

You really want to know the truth? They are toying with you some for ego boosts, some to see if you have money to spend on them, others just play you along to see if they can make a fool out of you. And that's not just because you are old to them... they tend to do this to all males. And there are far more of them that there are women who are nice and see you as a person rather than a rube or a mark. And moreso now that you are older. And the rest is your own ego. Trust me, I was in those same shoes you are wearing (yeah even with all the blessings I have I had a middle age crisis that thankfully did not end up in adultery... but not from my having not tried). The Lord really does protect us from ourselves...

I must say that I do have a baby face. Most think I look mid 30's.

Oh, here we go... boing! I was right... can't pass a mirror that you don't check on the hairdo and the smile? Been there done that.

You really should post this in the women's section. They will howl at this... 

I saw an old friend the other. She volunteered that I hadn't aged in the last 20 years.

Either she is just being a friend or she picked up on the Johnny Dashing image you are portraying in public and just lets you carry on your merry way. Once in a while you will find a sister or rare  friend who will say something like your part in the side or bangs looks better on you or some such thing... but the "you haven't aged in 20 years... be careful how much to heart you take that.

Have you been to the surgeons at Rodeo drive? They can make turkey necks look like 30 years olds but at a high price (I used to drive a limo in LA).

That aside my gf seems to kind of like it that I'm much older.

Some women do have daddy issues but they tend to have a lot of other issues too. You said she has two sons so that's a big negative on her "will I end up along?" check list... not that she is settling for a young looking  fellow like you... you understand...

Other women I have dated feel the same way. I went out with a 23 year old girl a few months ago. Do you think it's because women age faster (as far as looks go). Maybe they're afraid of looking older than their husbands some day?

There are women who are looking for a guy any guy who is responsible. Like who have a job. You may be able to scoop up a variety of youngsters looking for a man with a steady income or a job with insurance. But it's not about you ate all. And even if that's okay with you... once your age starts to get around 51, 55, 60... the 15 year old you married will wheel you into a nursing home and take whatever money you have left from your first divorce.

I wish I had someone like me to talk to when I was at the stage you are at... it would have saved my wife a lot of grief. . . and therefore me too.

What about kids? Are you scared off by womenses with kids? I like the idea. I wish I had had more kids the first time around.

I know you'll never be number one to a woman who has kids by another man. My mother proved that (5 husband in all). You should have heard the fights and times that our poor stepfathers took a backseat to everyone (including the dog). And we were good kids... meaning our dad died and we weren't out to reunite our birth parents like all our stepbrothers and sister were. Still there were a few "you're not my father" episodes.

Getting the point in all this?

If you find a woman who loves you for being you and you both can't live without each other... that is the one God has in mind for you...

Notice I said nothing about looks or age.

[Carwhisperer]

Thanks. There for the honest matter of fact reply. I am trying to be different. Right now I am seeing two counselors and working through something called the Genesis process.

[cs80918]

If you think most women, have a good heart, you are just not digging deep enough.  You first need to know what your standards are.

Do they believe in abortion?

How do they feel about homosexuals?

Do they believe the bible is 100% true?

How do they treat other people?

I'd say find someone who is attractive and then learn about their views very fast, if they don't line up then move on right away.  Do this until you find someone that you are attracted to on the outside and inside.

[Carwhisperer]

Is this what you do or what you think you should do? Or what you think I should do?

[cs80918]

Is this what you do or what you think you should do? Or what you think I should do?

This is what I did once I got a clue.