Is marriage the answer?

[jessiev96]

My fiance and I have been living together since August and I often find myself asking the same question daily. Is it right that we are living together but aren't married. I have been struggling with doubts about her love for me. She does love God and I recently asked her where I fit in. She said at the same level as her kids. If our goal is to be married someday and live as 1, shouldn't our significant others be placed above our children? Thank You in advance for your replies. May God Bless!!!

[johndoo]

Yes, when you are married, the spouse's needs should come before the children.

However, from a practical standpoint you have to understand that the kids came before you and there is an incredible bond there that you shouldn't try to alter. 
You are an adult and can practice patience and long-suffering, unlike what can be expected of young children.  It can be a lesson in growing and sacrifice.
"Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way" 1Peter 3:7

If you aren't in pre-marriage counseling, start now.  You have more than most couples to work through as you have her children at the outset.

[DaveW]

Is it right that we are living together but aren't married.

No.

I have been struggling with doubts about her love for me.

Then you should NOT be getting married. 

I recently asked her where I fit in. She said at the same level as her kids.

While we are called to provide and love our children we are NOT called to be "one flesh" with them (and that is not primarily about sex).

Are you both believers?

[jessiev96]

Thank you for the responses. We are both believers and I do understand that living together before marriage isn't right. I often feel this problem is why I'm having doubts and don't feel as the love for myself is sufficient enough for the major act of marriage. I am often told by her that I am just looking for excuses for us not to be together and that is by no way what I'm trying to do. I have been fighting with this for quite sometime and it's time for something to give. Again, thank you for the replies.

[jessiev96]

Thank you. We will be going to our church membership class tomorrow, 3/3/12, and I will check into when pre-marital classes are conducted and if that is offered at the church we attend. Again, thank you for your reply and insight.

[Carwhisperer]

In my opinion you should not be more important than her kids to her. It would be really hard for me to admit to myself that my girlfriend is more important to me than my daughter. I also cringe when she treats me like I am more important to her than her two little boys. I had my daughter first and she was the world to me. Her well being is more important to me than my own.

I also am going to disagree with whether your doubts about her feelings mean you should not get married. When you and her are on your first marriage and have no children everything can be perfect with Unicorns and rainbows. With second marriages or someone else's children involved I believe you have to accept compromise. Obviously you don't want to rush into something stupid but if I had to choose between an imperfect marriage and living alone for ever I'd take imperfect marriage.

[jessiev96]

Thank you for your response carwhisperer. With your latter response I am under the assumption that you support multiple marriages. No thank you, I have been married once already and with the help of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I will be led to a fulfilling and prosperous marriage. May God Bless!!!

[Carwhisperer]

If you mean multiple marriages at one time no I don't. Furthermore I believe that God intended us to get married once and stay that way. I did not do that and now I am settling for second best. It sounds like you are in the same boat but may the Lord bless you and your girlfriend.

[JohnDB70X7]

My fiance and I have been living together since August and I often find myself asking the same question daily. Is it right that we are living together but aren't married. I have been struggling with doubts about her love for me. She does love God and I recently asked her where I fit in. She said at the same level as her kids. If our goal is to be married someday and live as 1, shouldn't our significant others be placed above our children? Thank You in advance for your replies. May God Bless!!!

Okay. I am sure others have stated something similar to this... but you listed off a number of things that should send off warning flares...

You are living together (i.e. fornicating). I am not an example but a case study in that those who go against the plans of God will suffer consequences. And marriage is already tough enough... you don't need to stack the deck against it from the very start.

Second... HER kids... HER HER HER kinds... not yours...

Setting aside the fact that you will be responsible for raising another man's children... those little crumb crunchers will come between HER and you... every chance they get. And then you will see just how on par you are NOT with HER kids. I promise you this.

I am a 51 year old son of a woman who married 5 men (along with my 4 siblings)  who were surprisingly good since our father died when we were young so we did not have the "we gotta get our birth parents back together" motives all our 8 or 9 step-brothers and sisters had in stirring up trouble. And even then we had those "you're not my dad" moments with stepfathers.

And NEVER was the poor dumb b@$+@#^ (pardon my french but it's an old military expression for guys) mother was married to ever on par with her cubs ever. And that is about the way the animal was created in all homes.

Unless this woman is without a shadow of doubt "the one" and you will be able to put up with what wrecks most marriages (second only to infidelity) then by all means brother... go right ahead.

But if you have any inclination to get the heck out of there...

"The problem is all inside your head", she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Paul Simon (50 Ways to leave your lover)

Jim Croce (One less set of footprints)

We been runnin' away from
Somethin' we both know
We've long run out of things to say
And I think I better go

So don't be getting' excited
When you hear that slammin' door
'Cause there'll be one less set of footsteps
On your floor in the mornin'

And we've been hidin' from somethin'
That should have never gone this far
But after all it's what we've done
That makes us what we are

And you been talkin' in silence
If it's silence you adore
Oh there'll be one less set of footsteps
On your floor in the mornin'

Chorus:
Well there'll be one less set of footsteps on your floor
One less man to walk in
One less pair of jeans upon your door
One less voice a'talkin'

But tomorrow's a dream away
Today has turned to dust
Your silver tongue has turned to clay
And your golden rule to rust
If that's the way that you want it
That's the way I want it more
There'll be one less set of footsteps
On your floor in the mornin'

Chorus

There'll be one less set of footsteps
On your floor in the mornin

[epiphanius]

My fiance and I have been living together since August and I often find myself asking the same question daily. Is it right that we are living together but aren't married. I have been struggling with doubts about her love for me. She does love God and I recently asked her where I fit in. She said at the same level as her kids. If our goal is to be married someday and live as 1, shouldn't our significant others be placed above our children? Thank You in advance for your replies. May God Bless!!!

Jesse,

Looking through the comments on this thread, it seems that there's one obvious fact that no one seems to have commented on: "Is it right that we are living together but aren't married?" It sounds to me like this arrangement is her idea, and you're just going along because you care about her (or perhaps just don't want to be alone). It also sounds as though you shared your misgivings with her on more than one occasion, and she was insistent (or perhaps you were afraid to share them, because you knew she would be).

None of this sounds very good. You say, "she does love God." Has she really given you evidence of this, or are you just using that as an excuse for staying with her? The fact that she is willing to live with a man outside of marriage (assuming she knows this is not God's way?) suggests otherwise.

(Then there's the fact that you recently asked her "where you fit in" with regard to her kids. If you see yourself as "competing" with them for her time and affection, that's not a good sign, either...)

[JohnDB70X7]

Good point. One I mentioned in another topic and had in mind to do so here but got caught up in the advice to a fellow man about "instant families."

Confusion, uncertainty, and troubles are some of the lighter dilemmas of not doing things the way the Creator intended.