Guys and sex

[happypromises]

My story is documented elsewhere....but I was recently chatting to my other half about sex drive in men.   For a lot of women, sex is about intimacy and being touched and feeling cherished, rather than a case of wanting what they 'see'.

Hubby says that yes, he likes intimacy too and loves the feeling of closeness after being together and just being held....but for guys, they will often see something and just 'WANT' it and it can be difficult to let that image go.  For me, I can see a good looking guy and think, 'Yes, he's nice...but I'm married' and leave it there.   But perhaps that is because my sex drive goes from 0-60 at a much slower rate...and requires some tender loving care in the middle!    Hubby says that for guys, it pretty much hits '60' straight away. 

I'm not even sure what the question is here - just that for men who struggle with lust, life must at times feel really tough and a little unfair.  We are surrounded by sexual images everywhere.   Until my relationship struggles, I'd never even noticed it....hubby points out that you can barely watch a regular TV programme anymore or walk down a street without there being an ad with a suggestive or provocative pose of some description.    We were on a flight recently - surely that's safe?  But no...the flight attendant walked down the aisle in her tight skirt and did the safety demo, in clearly a wink, wink, nidge, nudge sort of way.   We later learned from a friend that this airline specialises in this - all their 'girls' are taught to put on a 'show' in this way. 

As a guy, do you find this a nightmare?   How do you STOP your mind from racing to '60'?   

[TJW]

It's only a fleeting attraction, means nothing.  It's not any kind of a "nightmare" at all.

I have never been able to stop my mind from racing from 0 to 60.  It seems that's just the way I'm made.  However, I have such a terrific wife and a wonderful marriage that it never actually occurs to me to "make anything out of it".  Basically, I have forgotten all about this woman 10 minutes from now when I see the next one   

My wife is the only woman in the world to me.  I have no "daydreams" about other women, about having sex with them, about living with them.
2 hours from now, I will go crawl in the bed with her and give her a little back rub before we get up and get dressed.  I love this woman completely with every cell in my body and every neuron of my brain.  No woman I have ever seen, nor any one I ever will see, will be "the one" for me like she is.

I am completely and thoroughly convinced that if I were given the choice of a million women, I would pick her.

[chosenone]

There is a lot that men can do to avoid some of the temptations around. For example, my DH watches little TV and when he does, he is careful about what he watches. We have a sky box where if you record programmes you can fast forward the adverts, but if he watches something that we haven't recorded, he just closes his eyes when they are on. If anything comes on that has a woman not wearing much, for example, he always closes his eyes. Its the way he has always been long before we met.We rarely watch films either as the majority just don't contain suitable material. If we are out and we see one of the many women wearing low cut tops or very short skirts etc he will look away.
No one can help what they see, but we can all help what we stare at and and what we choose to watch on TV or in films or magazines, and where we let our minds go.

[anx]

This can be a big issue for me. I have a crazy high sex drive and go 0 to 60 instantly, and it isn't always fleeting.

There are so many ads, movies, and clothing people wear in public that are overtly sexual in nature.

Even trying very hard to keep it under control, it's overwhelming and a struggle sometimes. I often question the purpose of it. Unless I had a wife that wanted sex daily or multiple times a day, I end up just struggling with it and trying not to either turn to pon or make it an issue in my marriage.

It has gotten better with time, but slowly.

[fenton]

avoid the porn -- period---

fast forward, look away,

even if a man has a beautiful wife he can still look LONGER than he should. nothing wrong with looking at something God created, just don't linger on it, that's what will get you in deep deep trouble. and remember scripture!!!!

[PatientMan]

happypromises, it is a nightmare for me many times.  That is because the sexual and intimate relationship with my wife is very poor.  I've discussed this in the "married and still burning" thread.  A guy is aroused visually.  It doesn't even have to be direct.  For example, I could see a women in a dress that fits a certain way and my mind goes bonkers.  I can feel the arousal shoot from 0 - 60 in a moment.  However, the solution for me is to simply look away and think of something else.

The fact that I can be aroused so quickly isn't a problem at all.  It is just the way I'm wired.  The problem is that there is little diversion from the side of my marriage.  I basically have to take the brunt of the tempatation so to speak and deal with it myself knowing that there will be nothing from my marriage that will help.

I saw an episode of "Married with Children" once where All Bundy was attracted to this blond for the entire episode.  In the end he came running home with a blond wig, grabbed his wife and rushed upstairs as he put the wig on her if I remember correctly.  He diverted his temptation for the blond to his wife.  Diversion is a major defense to being drawn to what you see.  However, if there is nothing to divert to then that could be problematic.

So the problem isn't my arousal acceleration if you will.  I can deal with that just fine since I'm just wired that way as a man.  The problem is when when the marriage doesn't produce the arousal that other women produce.

[Lavender]

There is a lot that men can do to avoid some of the temptations around. For example, my DH watches little TV and when he does, he is careful about what he watches. We have a sky box where if you record programmes you can fast forward the adverts, but if he watches something that we haven't recorded, he just closes his eyes when they are on. If anything comes on that has a woman not wearing much, for example, he always closes his eyes. Its the way he has always been long before we met.We rarely watch films either as the majority just don't contain suitable material. If we are out and we see one of the many women wearing low cut tops or very short skirts etc he will look away.
No one can help what they see, but we can all help what we stare at and and what we choose to watch on TV or in films or magazines, and where we let our minds go.

Chosenone:   In my opinion, your husband shows wonderful signs of Christian maturity.  How does it say it in the Bible ---- I have made a covenant with my eyes?  Smart man you married.  I'm just guessing, but I think his mind is quite sanctified and quite filled with spiritual matters, so worldly come-ons hardlly phase him.  Wonderful. 

Sometimes I wonder if it would help men to downshift if they would visualize what that sexy lump of earth will look like after being in the coffin a while.          That's all we're really looking at.  We don't know what that person really looks like.

[scullions]

difficult for men loving sexual union is joy ,as u say women dont need sex though  love

[DaveW]

difficult for men loving sexual union is joy ,as u say women dont need sex though  love

And that is NOT the perspective the bible is written from.  Starting in Exodus, (perhaps even Genesis) the biblical perspective is that the woman's sex drive is more important than the man's.  Jewish sages summed it up this way: Sex is a wife's right and a husband's responsibility.  During the 2nd temple period (including NT times) it was not unusual for a wife to demand in the rabbinic courts that a husband change jobs to give her more satisfaction, or force him to divorce her so she can marry someone who would give her better satisfaction.

When the Oral Tradition was written down in the 2nd century, it said that a man who was independantly weathy, or unemployed, or had a buisness that was not overly physically demanding, he was expected to satisfy his wife DAILY. (minimum)

[chosenone]

difficult for men loving sexual union is joy ,as u say women dont need sex though  love

I cant agree at all. I love sex with my husband because I love him and because sex is so vitally important for any marriage. It relieves tension and stress, it brings the couple closer together emotionally as well as physically, and it strenghtens the marriage generally. Also God made is to have and enjoy sex, both men and women.   In fact I have read of several threads by women who are unhappy becuse their husbands wont have sex with them!

I suppose its one of those things that satan will always try to destroy, because he knows just how important sex is in marriage.

[ObeyTheGospel]

I am a 28 year old singe male, and I admit that I have sometimes thought that life is not fair. When my sex drive is high and I see so many beautiful women, it can be very frustrating. Even the apostle Paul said that it's better to marry than to burn with lust, and that was in a time when most women covered up.

Men are stimulated by sight and touch. That's why pornography sells like hot cakes. A man can look at a dirty magazine and get stimulated without even being introduced to her. A man has to use unnatural efforts in order to keep his mind pure. This is why I'm against male doctors examining a woman's private body parts because I know just how easy it is for men to fall into lust just by looking at a woman.

But I find my strength in the Lord. I believe Jesus is returning very soon to rapture his bride, and I know that the glory of heaven is so much better than sex. This is what gives me the strength to overcome sexual sin and endure.