Physical attraction

[wheatley]

Is physical attraction necessary even in a christian relationship? Or is it just something nice to have as icing on the cake but can be done without?

The reason I am asking is because as much as I try to tell myself otherwise, I am no longer physically attracted to my girlfriend. In every other respect, she is amazing. She is smart, kind, caring and supportive. Those characteristics continue to attract me on an emotional level.

Unfortunately, even as she feels more and more secure in our relationship, she also has let herself go. She stopped dressing up, started to eat recklessly, and gained 30 pounds in a year. What's even more unattractive is the problems that her behaviour has caused. She is now insecure about her weight, when people laugh she thinks its about her, her health has been bad and she spends  2 weeks out of a month sick, limiting the time and activities we do together.

I have suggested many things she could do to tackle the issue, I offered to exercise with her but she refused, she also tried numerous diets but all failed because she couldn't stop her binge eating sprees for more than a few days. This is all very frustrating and as far as trying to help her goes, I do not believe it will ever work if she so steadfastly refuses to change of her own volition.

Recently I told her that my attitude towards her physically had changed. She claimed that physical attraction was redundant in a serious relationship and that I was being superficial, that I could just "turn my mental knobs" and suddenly change my physical preferences to her features.

What do you guys think? Is physical attraction to a relationship like the appendix is to the body?
BTW this is in the context of a serious relationship where we are both in our mid 20s and have not had sex.

[DaveW]

No one can just "turn their mental knobs" to change attraction or there would be a lot less adultery and homosexuality. People (some, not all) feel unwanted desires and attractions and feel they have to act on them.

That said, physical attraction is important, especially before you are married. But even afterward one should try to be as attractive to their own spouse as possible.

The attitude as you describe it smacks me of a fisherman, just dangle the bait (attractive body) and see who you can get hooked.

[wheatley]

No one can just "turn their mental knobs" to change attraction or there would be a lot less adultery and homosexuality. People (some, not all) feel unwanted desires and attractions and feel they have to act on them.

That said, physical attraction is important, especially before you are married. But even afterward one should try to be as attractive to their own spouse as possible.

The attitude as you describe it smacks me of a fisherman, just dangle the bait (attractive body) and see who you can get hooked.

Thanks davew for the comments. Interestingly, she said that if I could not maintain my attraction to her as she let herself go, she claimed that I would be the sort who would be prone to cheating in marriage as women age and of course get less attractive in that sense. But obviously isn't there a difference between the natural process of getting older compared to someone's willed choice to let themselves go and engage in an unhealthy lifestyle? Apparently not to her.

[Thankfulldad]

No one can just "turn their mental knobs" to change attraction or there would be a lot less adultery and homosexuality. People (some, not all) feel unwanted desires and attractions and feel they have to act on them.

That said, physical attraction is important, especially before you are married. But even afterward one should try to be as attractive to their own spouse as possible.

The attitude as you describe it smacks me of a fisherman, just dangle the bait (attractive body) and see who you can get hooked.

Thanks davew for the comments. Interestingly, she said that if I could not maintain my attraction to her as she let herself go, she claimed that I would be the sort who would be prone to cheating in marriage as women age and of course get less attractive in that sense. But obviously isn't there a difference between the natural process of getting older compared to someone's willed choice to let themselves go and engage in an unhealthy lifestyle? Apparently not to her.

I would agree with you here...gluttony is a sin; once married...her body is no longer hers, but yours.  If she is unwilling to take care of herself...you should consider moving on...

Ladies...please don't throw me under the bus; this goes for us men too

[chosenone]

I do think that some sort of physical attraction is important, while remembering that as we age we all change. We can put on weight, we get wrinkles, we get grey hair or go bald etc etc.
Now you aren't married or even engaged, so you are still free to leave the relationship, but what if you had married her or another lady who maybe put on weight after having babies, what then? That is pretty common. What would you do? Of course many men leave their wives for a younger thinner girl when their wives age a bit, but that isn't an option for believers(or shouldn't be).
As a guy who isn't married or engaged its your decision now. Is there absolutely no attraction left at all? Does she turn you off? Have you prayed about this? What do you feel God is saying?Would you want to still be with her if she never looses weight?Did you think she was 'the one' before the weight went on?

You also need to remember that in marriage we cant expect our spouse to always be dressed up and made up and wearing smart clothes. We  need to be able to relax and we will see our spouses at our worst (first thing in the morning for example, hair all over the place and no make up etc etc) and that's just life.

Another thought is that God can change the way we see people and what we find attractive. When my husband and I met, he had been married for 23 years to an ultra skinny(almost anorexic) lady, and therefore he saw me as quite large even though I am only average sized.(in fact smalller than average for the UK).
This was hard for him for a while, but after a lot of prayer on his part and mine, and a lot of time, he got to see me as the average size that I am, and found me more and more attractive, and now on the rare occasions that he sees his ex he cant believe how scraggy she looks(his words).Now she isn't thinner than she was, but he sees her as far too thin now because he has been married to me for 6 years. He now loves the figure that has a few curves rather than the stick type lady. God has really changed him. Maybe he can you as well!
   

[chosenone]

No one can just "turn their mental knobs" to change attraction or there would be a lot less adultery and homosexuality. People (some, not all) feel unwanted desires and attractions and feel they have to act on them.

That said, physical attraction is important, especially before you are married. But even afterward one should try to be as attractive to their own spouse as possible.

The attitude as you describe it smacks me of a fisherman, just dangle the bait (attractive body) and see who you can get hooked.

Thanks davew for the comments. Interestingly, she said that if I could not maintain my attraction to her as she let herself go, she claimed that I would be the sort who would be prone to cheating in marriage as women age and of course get less attractive in that sense. But obviously isn't there a difference between the natural process of getting older compared to someone's willed choice to let themselves go and engage in an unhealthy lifestyle? Apparently not to her.

So are you saying that if she had put on weight for a reason(ie maybe due to medication or something) this would affect you differently? How would you deal with a wife who maybe put on weight as she aged, or who got wrinkles, or who gained a few pounds each time she had a child? 

[wheatley]

Thanks davew for the comments. Interestingly, she said that if I could not maintain my attraction to her as she let herself go, she claimed that I would be the sort who would be prone to cheating in marriage as women age and of course get less attractive in that sense. But obviously isn't there a difference between the natural process of getting older compared to someone's willed choice to let themselves go and engage in an unhealthy lifestyle? Apparently not to her.

So are you saying that if she had put on weight for a reason(ie maybe due to medication or something) this would affect you differently? How would you deal with a wife who maybe put on weight as she aged, or who got wrinkles, or who gained a few pounds each time she had a child? 

I would not complain at all if it was kids, or age, or an illness or something like that. However, given that none of the above apply to her, am I wrong to expect that she at least tries to put in some effort? For me, I know that even if I, say, broke a leg and had 6 months of physical inactivity, and put on 20 pounds. As soon as it was okay for me to exercise again, I would work towards getting that weight off.

Also with regards to your previous post and to answer the questions, no, I would not leave a marriage regardless of my wife's appearance. No one is entitled to their spouse having to maintain themselves, but it would be nice and I know I would do what I could for my part. About turning me on, well, she has beautiful eyes which I adore, but I will be extremely frank and say that the minute the rest of her comes into view I am pretty much turned off. I don't consider myself a demanding person in terms of standards, but if one's waist is close to the size of one's hips I think that starts to get in the way. Also, aside from looks, there is the issue of health. I *could* see myself marrying someone unattractive, but sickly much less so. As for being "the one, I can't say I thought she was "the one" with certainty, but I was sure that we were working towards marriage together.

[chosenone]

So you arent 100% sure that God wanted her to be your wife? If you have been going out for some time(which it sounds like)I am wondering why you still had that slight doubt? Have you asked God to make it clear to you if she is the one?
As for her appearance, if you are totally turned off by her body, it would be extreemly hard for you and her if you married. A woman knows full well if her man doesnt find her attractive, even if he says nothing.  I think you need to make a decision one way or another, certainly before you get any closer to marriage.
It doesnt sound to me as if she is that big(many many peoples stomachs are far far bigger then their hips), but maybe you like very slim women as a rule.

You say that she is sick 2 weeks out of every 4? Has she been to her doctors about that? I know a very large lady at church and she is the fittest and healthiest lady I know. She is never ill and has enormous energy. You also say that she binge eats. That also may indicate that she has an emotional problem that needs dealing with.

[larry2]

"Get an ugly girl to marry you" lyrics sung by Harry Belafonte  [ Lyrics from: ml ]

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

A pretty woman makes her husband look small,
And very often causes his downfall.
As soon as he marries her, then she starts,
To do the things that will break his heart.

But if you make an ugly woman your wife,
You'll be happy for the rest of your life.
An ugly woman cooks meals all the time,
She'll always give you peace of mind.

Don't let your friends say you have no taste,
Go ahead and marry anyway.
Her face is ugly, her eyes don't match.
Take it from me, she's a better catch.

Say, man?
Hey baby!
I saw your wife the other day.
Yeah?
Yeah, and she's sure is ugly. Ha!
Yeah, she's ugly, but she sure can cook, baby!
Yeah, alright.
Unfortunately, she has acne.
That's a shame, baby.
Yeah, baby.

[wheatley]

So you arent 100% sure that God wanted her to be your wife? If you have been going out for some time(which it sounds like)I am wondering why you still had that slight doubt? Have you asked God to make it clear to you if she is the one?
As for her appearance, if you are totally turned off by her body, it would be extreemly hard for you and her if you married. A woman knows full well if her man doesnt find her attractive, even if he says nothing.  I think you need to make a decision one way or another, certainly before you get any closer to marriage.
It doesnt sound to me as if she is that big(many many peoples stomachs are far far bigger then their hips), but maybe you like very slim women as a rule.

You say that she is sick 2 weeks out of every 4? Has she been to her doctors about that? I know a very large lady at church and she is the fittest and healthiest lady I know. She is never ill and has enormous energy. You also say that she binge eats. That also may indicate that she has an emotional problem that needs dealing with.

I had those doubts because initially, I felt that as this was my first relationship I needed some time to really be sure I was mature and adult enough to maintain a serious relationship.

I agree with you she isn't "that big", but I guess visually its the contrast or change that gets to me. She started off 5 feet 1, 100 pounds. She was living healthy, exercising regularly, she seemed happier, alot more confident. She was hardly sick. Now all this is gone, but because the transformation only took a year, the impact of the change is really quite strong.

Yes, 2 weeks out of 4 is not an exaggeration. Its march and she had the flu over the new year until mid jan, she was well for a while, then february she was sick again with fever for two weeks. Then, she got well for a while, and just a week back she started having stomach problems. We have seen many doctors and they say there is no underlying serious issue, but they recommend her to live a more healthy lifestyle which of course she doesn't.

[fassopony]

I think it is time to move on, wheatley.  Key words---binging sprees, unwilling to exercise together, stating your lack of attraction makes you prone to cheat later, wow!!  Can that girl take ownership of any of her issues!?  Pray about it because Gods word is final but my opinion is get rid of that one quickly!

Also, just getting fat may or may not cause lack of physical attraction.  I can be physically repulsed by behavior as well as physical whatever.  This is the difference between being shallow and being genuinely turned off by poor behavior and the results of poor behavior.

[chosenone]

It maybe the difference in her general confidence and mental attitude that is putting you off as well as the weight gain. After all a lady who weighs 130lbs is still pretty small actually.

[wheatley]

I think it is time to move on, wheatley.  Key words---binging sprees, unwilling to exercise together, stating your lack of attraction makes you prone to cheat later, wow!!  Can that girl take ownership of any of her issues!?  Pray about it because Gods word is final but my opinion is get rid of that one quickly!

Also, just getting fat may or may not cause lack of physical attraction.  I can be physically repulsed by behavior as well as physical whatever.  This is the difference between being shallow and being genuinely turned off by poor behavior and the results of poor behavior.

Exactly. Honestly I am not that much of an outcome based person. If she ran with me twice a week, started eating healthily (not starving herself either), stopped blaming me for her excesses.. and yet remained overweight, it wouldn't be half as bad. It is really about the effort which reflects one's attitude. Honestly I am in a bind now. I am thinking of giving her an ultimatum soon - if she won't change, I will.

It maybe the difference in her general confidence and mental attitude that is putting you off as well as the weight gain. After all a lady who weighs 130lbs is still pretty small actually.

Yes about the mental thing. A lady who is 130lb at 5 feet 1 is overweight. She used to be 100lbs which is just nice in the recommended range. She is still small stature wise, which makes the horizontal "expansion" all the more glaring.

[chosenone]

Actually 100lbs is very thin. I used to weigh about 6 or 7 lbs over that in my 20's as well, and although I am 3 ins taller than your wife I was far too thin, in the underweight range, and looking back at old pictures I cant believe how underweight I was. I looked very very thin.

[fassopony]

Welllll....not exactly :)  My job back in my active duty USAF days was Nutritional Medicine, I was the Dieticians assistant.

At 5' a healthy weight is right about 100 pounds.  Add 5 pounds for every inch increment.

Here--->
http://www.7habitsofweightloss.com/am-i-overweight.html

My friend and I both gained weight, we quit smoking.  Lemme tell ya, 30 extra pounds looks a lot *ahem* wiiiiiiiiiddeerrrrrrr on me at 5'4" than her almost 5'9" LOL!!!

[chosenone]

She is 5ft 1in. I was 5ft 4. 130lbs isnt much on a women of 5ft 1.100lbs is very very thin. A friend of mine is about 5ft 3 and weighs 135lbs and she looks REALLY slim.
I suppose if a guy likes really only likes very thin women, it may seem too much.

[chosenone]

I think it is time to move on, wheatley.  Key words---binging sprees, unwilling to exercise together, stating your lack of attraction makes you prone to cheat later, wow!!  Can that girl take ownership of any of her issues!?  Pray about it because Gods word is final but my opinion is get rid of that one quickly!

Also, just getting fat may or may not cause lack of physical attraction.  I can be physically repulsed by behavior as well as physical whatever.  This is the difference between being shallow and being genuinely turned off by poor behavior and the results of poor behavior.

Exactly. Honestly I am not that much of an outcome based person. If she ran with me twice a week, started eating healthily (not starving herself either), stopped blaming me for her excesses.. and yet remained overweight, it wouldn't be half as bad. It is really about the effort which reflects one's attitude. Honestly I am in a bind now. I am thinking of giving her an ultimatum soon - if she won't change, I will.

It maybe the difference in her general confidence and mental attitude that is putting you off as well as the weight gain. After all a lady who weighs 130lbs is still pretty small actually.

Yes about the mental thing. A lady who is 130lb at 5 feet 1 is overweight. She used to be 100lbs which is just nice in the recommended range. She is still small stature wise, which makes the horizontal "expansion" all the more glaring.

Giving an ultimatum wont go down well believe me. Imagine this scenario. She says to you that unless you get a job that earns double what you are earning now she will leave you. That's sort of how it will feel if you say that to her. I only love you and want to be with you if you are very thin and will do what I want you to do and be exactly like me.
Giving her an ultimatum will  show her that your love for her is conditional. If you cant love and accept her as she is then leave her. What if she does loose weight to keep you, and then you get married and the same thing happens again?

You will both go through many many changes and difficulties in marriage, and if you cant get over the first challenging hurdle with her I don't hold out much hope for it to last. Let her go to find a man who will love her no matter what happens, and you can look for a very thin lady who is a fitness fanatic/freak and who throws a hissy fit if she gains a pound(yes I have known women who actually do that!)

[graciemay]

I think you really need to do some soul searching before you commit to marriage.  I certainly do not want to be discouraging but the things that are issues before marriage can get even bigger afterwards, from what I've seen anyway.

I wonder what prompted this change in her? Maybe there is something more going on?

Ultimatums can go over like a lead balloon. That said, if you do decide to go that route, I advise you to choose your words CAREFULLY. Once you put it out there you can't take it back. So be ready to follow through. If you aren't sure you can, then don't do it.  

In response to some other comments I saw... numbers on a scale can be deceiving. I'm proof positive of that! I'm thin but weigh more than I look. Bone structure, muscle vs fat...all factors. Don't get hung up on numbers.

And bigger gals can be in better shape than thin girls! If you saw my friend you would never  in a million years take her for a runner. She is kicking butt in marathons. Never assume.

[chosenone]

gracie may
I have to agree, One of the women that I know with the most energy is very large. She is always on the go, and never seems to get tired or ill.
Thin women can be very unfit. I used to be very very thin in my 20's and I was always ill. I doubt that the flu has anything to with putting on a bit of weight, anyone can catch the flu or be ill.
I read recently that women who are slightly underweight are more likely to have health problems then those who are slightly overweight.(not talking about obese people here)

[DaveW]

Here--->
http://www.7habitsofweightloss.com/am-i-overweight.html

I do not like your chart, fassopony.

It said I was seriously underweight when I got married.  I was 6' 2" and 145 lb with a large frame.  That is called 'underweight' even on a small frame.....

I was in the best shape of my life.

[chosenone]

Here--->
http://www.7habitsofweightloss.com/am-i-overweight.html

I do not like your chart, fassopony.

It said I was seriously underweight when I got married.  I was 6' 2" and 145 lb with a large frame.  That is called 'underweight' even on a small frame.....

I was in the best shape of my life.

And also it says that this guys girlfriend is fine at her new weight of 130lbs at 5ft 1in. It gives the range of between 105 and 140, and she is 130. At her old weight of 100 lbs she was underweight as I thought.
Goodness I was also underweight when I got married at 112lbs at 5ft 5ins. Glad I am bigger now then.

[stevehut]

Wheatley, by your description of your relationship, I assume that you're thinking that you might get married someday. If you marry a girl for whom you have no sexual attraction, that's a dangerous place to be. All men have sexual needs, and if you don't think your girl will meet that need, you could be setting yourself up for failure.

Many people will tell you that your "spiritual" relationship will overcome these physical issues. Don't be fooled.

[chosenone]

My nephew who is 21 and very slim, has been with a lovely girl for 3 years now who is pretty overweight. He really loves her. She is fit healthy and very very clever. I love my nephew.  

[Alfred Combes]

My nephew who is 21 and very slim, has been with a lovely girl for 3 years now who is pretty overweight. He really loves her. She is fit healthy and very very clever. I love my nephew.  

If he loves her and fancies big women, good for him.

If the poster in the OP isn't attracted to his girlfriend, he should move on.  He is wasting his time and hers.

The "looks aren't important" crowd deny God's handiwork.

[IamStefanie]

Agree with Alfred! Everyone has their own opinion and preferences. If the OP has a problem with it, then trying to change his mind won't help. To the OP, I believe your feelings are valid. It sounds like what she is doing is more of the issue than the numbers on a scale; you just happened to mention that. My point is, if I may offer you advice, let her know how you feel. Let her know you love her and that you fell in love with/was attracted to (whatever you feel is best for you all) took care of her body and that you like that. And it hurts you to see where she has gotten herself too. Sure, you may not be attracted, but I like to think you care; otherwise, you wouldn't had posted on this board. And her decisioin will allow you to see how to proceed. And pray about it. Maybe for patience or wisdom to make the right decisions.

[fassopony]

It's not "my" chart.  It belongs to the American Medical Association...  you know, the folks who actually study and are professionals in the health areas ;)  SO I will believe them and not someone who just wants to believe they are or are not obese/too thin/too chunky.

[chosenone]

My nephew who is 21 and very slim, has been with a lovely girl for 3 years now who is pretty overweight. He really loves her. She is fit healthy and very very clever. I love my nephew.  

If he loves her and fancies big women, good for him.

If the poster in the OP isn't attracted to his girlfriend, he should move on.  He is wasting his time and hers.

The "looks aren't important" crowd deny God's handiwork.

 He doesnt fancy big women, he loves this one. His previous girlfriends werent large.

The fact is that even if the OP leaves this lady because she has put on 28lbs and finds another very thin lady, what happens when she gets older and puts on some weight like most of the population do as she ages and maybe as she has children, what then?
I just think its sad and tragic that he loved this lady and was even thinking of marriage, and now because she has grown a bit larger, (and is still only average size) he now wants to leave. I dont believe that looks dont matter, but I do believe that in marriage there will be many many changes over our life times and we cant just get rid of our spouses because we dont like it.
Personally I think that he needs to seek God and ask him what to do.God can and does change people in this way, I have seen it. If God clearly says that she isnt the one then he can move on, but he needs to be careful that he doesnt throw away Gods choice for him.Good and godly Christian people dont grow on trees.
He also needs to be very wise in what he says to her if he does decide to leave, so as not to leave her feeling totally rejected and deeply hurt.

[chosenone]

It's not "my" chart.  It belongs to the American Medical Association...  you know, the folks who actually study and are professionals in the health areas ;)  SO I will believe them and not someone who just wants to believe they are or are not obese/too thin/too chunky.

This chart show that this lady is well within the normal healthy weight for her size.

[fassopony]

So...?

The purpose of posting the chart is to show what the AMA (and in effect ADA) says is a healthy range of weight.

The issue, from what the OP has said, is a continual behavior change in his girlfriend that is negative in trend.  Binge eating, regardless of  or weight, is gluttony and is a sin.  We all know this, I am guilty of it myself.  The other behaviors such as projecting and refusal to take ownership/responsibility of her own issues are also not a good portent for any future marriage.

Also, regardless of size, packing on 30 pounds in less than a year is unhealthy weight gain (with the exception of growing children, pregnancy and starvation victims).

[chosenone]

Its makes me feel sad though, that someone would end a serious relationship because of it. Still thats life I suppose.

[Thankfulldad]

Its makes me feel sad though, that someone would end a serious relationship because of it. Still thats life I suppose.

I understand your saddness chosenone...this is a tough situation.

However, it does take two; if she could understand him, then...she could take the steps necessary to lose weight; exercise, eat right...things that we all should do for our spouse.  Once married...our body is no longer our own...it is our husband or wife's.  To resolve this before marriage is a step that needs to happen...

[Bitter Sweet]

My husband likes me with something something...

[happypromises]

I could be wrong, but I didn't read Wheatley's post as him saying he wanted to end it, because she'd put on weight....it seemed to me that the weight was only one part of the issue.   130lbs at 5ft1, is not huge....but it seems his biggest concerns are that she has 'let herself go' (by which I assume he means, she looks scruffy) plus her mental attitutude and general sickness.   And the problem is, when he talks to her about it, she fires back with a list of reasons why he's wrong.

I'd say the weight gain was the least of his worries!   If he was seriously wanting to ditch her because of 30lbs, I'd be a little concerned - after all, she could easily gain that after the birth of a child.   But, I think he is more worried about everything else - the whole deal.   If she cannot accept what he's saying now, then it's only going to get worse.   She needs to get help for whatever is causing her to binge eat and hate herself this much!   If not, I think he is totally within his rights to think about ending the relationship...not because she gained weight, but simply because she stopped caring about herself, or really about the relationship enough to change.

I also think it's ridiculous to suggest that physical attraction is not important - of course it is!  Some days when you don't like each too much - physical attarction and the desire to make love, might be the only thing that keeps you strong, till you reconnect.   If you don't even have THAT, then it's just a friendship. 

I'm a little overweight and have always struggled with the insecurity of that.  Hubby never seemed to notice - but one time, he made a comment like 'well, you could tone up a little'.   I was off to join the gym the next day!  Why?  Because I want to look good for him.  Isn't that what you do when you love someone?  

[graciemay]

I agree with chosenone. If you do decide to leave, please take care with your words. Don't make her feel badly about herself.  Treat her how you would want to be treated. So many of us forget that golden rule.

[psalm22]

I could be wrong, but I didn't read Wheatley's post as him saying he wanted to end it, because she'd put on weight....it seemed to me that the weight was only one part of the issue.   130lbs at 5ft1, is not huge....but it seems his biggest concerns are that she has 'let herself go' (by which I assume he means, she looks scruffy) plus her mental attitutude and general sickness.   And the problem is, when he talks to her about it, she fires back with a list of reasons why he's wrong.

I'd say the weight gain was the least of his worries!   If he was seriously wanting to ditch her because of 30lbs, I'd be a little concerned - after all, she could easily gain that after the birth of a child.   But, I think he is more worried about everything else - the whole deal.   If she cannot accept what he's saying now, then it's only going to get worse.   She needs to get help for whatever is causing her to binge eat and hate herself this much!   If not, I think he is totally within his rights to think about ending the relationship...not because she gained weight, but simply because she stopped caring about herself, or really about the relationship enough to change.

I also think it's ridiculous to suggest that physical attraction is not important - of course it is!  Some days when you don't like each too much - physical attarction and the desire to make love, might be the only thing that keeps you strong, till you reconnect.   If you don't even have THAT, then it's just a friendship. 

I'm a little overweight and have always struggled with the insecurity of that.  Hubby never seemed to notice - but one time, he made a comment like 'well, you could tone up a little'.   I was off to join the gym the next day!  Why?  Because I want to look good for him.  Isn't that what you do when you love someone?  

Amen.  I agree and then some.  Based on what was said,  her "letting go of herself" involves weight gain, unhealthy behaviors, binge eating, no longer dressing up and not caring about her appearance.  Then placing the blame on him for all of it.  This is very indicative of someone with moderate to severe clinical depression and somewhat serious self esteem issues.  Taking the approach that this change is unacceptable and she has become unattractive is only going to make it worse.

Many times our own self image is molded or based on our perception of how others view us.  My advise to anyone in this situation would be to love them through it.  If you want to maintain the relationship that is.  Instead of asking or focusing on why she has let herself go, I would begin by being a little more introspective and asking myself how my attitude or behavior has changed to make her feel less attractive.

In any case, her pattern of behavior is one that she is very unlikely to be able to change without medical and psychological help.  The fact that it seems that her immune system is not operating normally is of concern as well.  There are a myriad of things that can cause all of these symptoms and she should probably be more carefully evaluated.

If it were me, instead of issuing ultimatums, I would start with something more supportive.  "Honey,  I have noticed in the last year all of these ______________________things.  and it is worrying me.  I love you and I want to help.  How do you feel about yourself in the last year?

Love in all things.